Health: Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my...

By Anonymous - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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Health

Targeted

Technologically challenged

Left behind

By madfather - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By lopsided - United States

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to buy a bra. A woman sized me and then gave me a bra to try on in the fitting room. To my pleasure, it seemed to fit well. The woman who had sized me came in to check on me and replied, "Yeah, it happens. Not everyone can be symmetrical." FML

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By lee - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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By GOAWAY - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML

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By OuchImAMoron - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

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By Anonymous - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

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By jesus christ, dad - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

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By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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By acneface - United States

Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work at a new job, my brother comes and takes my car. Along with all my money, my phone, and whatever else I had in my purse. His message to me through one of my co-workers was "walk home." FML

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By highschoolsucks - United States

Today, I let out a monstrous fart at the gym. They said it didn't even sound human. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

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By justdancebbyx3 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and found out that my own mother unfriended me because she didn't want her new boyfriend to know that she had a daughter. FML

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By ohiochibi - United States

Today, I posted a note on Facebook about a weird dream I had about my ex-boyfriend, where I made out with him, then it transitioned into a vampires vs. werewolves battle. My ex private messages me and says there's a better chance of a vampires vs. werewolves battle than us ever making out again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at lunch with my girlfriend. The waitress came up and asked for her number, then asked if she had a significant other. I laughed as my girlfriend gave the waitress her number. They're going on a date, tonight. FML

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By Sebastian Bonaparte - 11/2/2021 00:30

Sandwiches rule

Today, it's the fourth day since I got home from hospital in a wheelchair after a car wreck. It was also the first day that someone in my house offered to do something for me. My father-in-law visited and offered to make me a sandwich. My response? I cried. My wife and kids laughed at me. FML

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By GodMemory_AbsentMind

Today, when paying for gas, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet back home. After a moment of panic, I managed to remember my card number. I paid, blowing the cute cashier's mind, and drove away, before my car started sputtering and slowed to a crawl. I'd used the wrong fuel. FML

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By holy sleet - United States - Rochester

Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son got an email saying he could win an iPad if he just entered his credit card number. He asked for mine, telling me that it was so he could buy some school supplies online, so I gave it to him. The internet just conned a credit card number out of a 17-year-old nitwit. And me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Bored

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

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By cherrycokeee - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years said he would finally take me somewhere romantic. I spent my day at a Star Wars convention. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we had our busiest day at work all year with lots of angry people calling, and a co-worker called in sick. I went to my local game shop after work, exhausted and upset, and guess who was at his usual table running a Dungeons and Dragons group, apparently not too sick to go out. Yeah. FML

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Caldwell

Today, I realized how nice it was that, after moving into my ground-floor apartment, I no longer have to worry about being too loud walking on the floor at night. Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbors do not have any qualms about shouting or stomping their feet loudly at night, either. FML

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By theseguysarewhipped... - Canada - London

Today, as a limo driver, I had to drive 8 guys for a night-out from their wives. I put the Michigan/Rutgers game on the radio, thinking they would appreciate that. Apparently, they wanted to listen to their "pump-up" songs instead, which were mostly Katy Perry songs. FML

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By Nightbird827

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By effinit - United States

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4". FML

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By just die already - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

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By jonh_215 - United States

Today, as a going away present after five years of military service and one combat tour, the hospital scheduled me for a prostate exam. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Tranent

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

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By Mishti

Today, whilst on the toilet at the mall, I took my new designer sandals off as my feet were blistered. Not even a second later, a hand reached out from under the stall, grabbed my sandals and disappeared. I had to walk home a mile barefoot. In the burning heat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while out for lunch, a guy approached me and asked for my number. I politely declined. To my dismay, he dropped to his knees, grabbed his head, and started moaning about how nobody ever gives him a chance. I felt the accusing stares. FML

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Nothing

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

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By DefinitelyNotMyMeds - Canada

Today, just like everyday, I opened my med box, took out a blister pack and took one of the pills before putting the pack back in the box. Today, not like everyday, I had diarrhea. Turns out one of the packs was laxatives put in my med box by my boyfriend because they looked the same as my meds. FML

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By WTF Lady? - 8/4/2020 20:00

Rod Stewart was wrong

Today, I was walking down my street when a girl came up behind me and started yelling about me being a slut. When she saw I was the wrong person, she continued to yell at me because I have blonde hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Red Oak

Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML

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By coveredupforfun - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I saw my co-worker write about how awful Muslims were and how the religion is stupid, the hijab is oppressive, and how they're a poison on society. When I questioned them about it, they pretty much said that I didn't know anything and should stop talking. I'm Muslim and a hijabi. FML

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By hannahg - United States - Romulus

Today, my dad yelled at me for being irresponsible while he watched me fold his laundry. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#5151590 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

By chippa | 24

#5151587 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs?
Depends!
(Get some.)

COMMENTS

By chippa | 24

#5151587 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs?
Depends!
(Get some.)

Wolvander88 | 19

#5151605 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

How does it make a difference unless he was wearing a diaper?

chippa | 24

#5151607 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

Depends is a brand of diaper-underwear hybrid...

AshhyTheBlonde | 8

#5151795 - Thursday 15 November 2012 9:42

Duh!
8- Idiot.
It was a joke! I found it quite funny myself:D

Unbweavable | 17

#5152210 - Thursday 15 November 2012 13:54

Clever

Myo_fml | 20

#5152404 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:59

Sucking up gets you nowhere, 26. As you'll soon see, commenting upon that fact goes nowhere as well but at this point, I'm bury baiting.

MormonPornstar | 7

#5154224 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:55

Hey uh... 42? She's hot, so your argument is invalid. Cheers :)

By WCARlover | 34

#5151590 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

Enslaved | 36

#5151623 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:30

Haha-- Well, it does relieve stress.

Schizomaniac | 24

#5151635 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:38

You know you've been around FML too long when...

razbery_nerd | 4

#5156355 - Friday 16 November 2012 23:56

Well we all know where your minds at!

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#6159494 - Thursday 1 January 2015 5:45

No big deal, this happens to everyone.

By afrothunder666 | 5

#5151592 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

So urine a lot of stress huh? I hear meditating is good for that... Oh, maybe not hahaha

Yousuck24 | 21

#5151626 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:32

What a piss poor attempt at a pun...

Hannahmgp | 9

#5151667 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:48

Clearly, this guy is not a wizz at puns.

bettykooler | 7

#5151833 - Thursday 15 November 2012 10:18

I see what you did there..

wickedninja918 | 1

#5152257 - Thursday 15 November 2012 14:23

idk i thought it was kinda funny (but thats probably just pee)

By Wolvander88 | 19

#5151593 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

So, that happened..

ArmyxWife | 5

#5151911 - Thursday 15 November 2012 11:34

You're a *beep*ing idiot -_-

WritingWrongs | 8

#5152356 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:31

Yes it did! Very good! Now can you tell us what didn't happen?

Whaaaaaat734 | 6

#5152515 - Thursday 15 November 2012 17:06

^Intelligence.

By Gulianna | 2

#5151595 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

At least it wasn't sleep paralysis. That would've been STRESSFUL!

iOceanus | 18

#5151649 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:43

I find sleep paralysis to be an interestingly weird experience every time it happens.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#5151853 - Thursday 15 November 2012 10:39

I hate it! It scares the shit out of me.

BradyT918 | 9

#5151939 - Thursday 15 November 2012 12:01

I enjoy it. It makes it very easy to enter a lucid dream

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5151599 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:23

Congratulations grasshopper. You have achieved the ultimate state of relaxation.

tsim14 | 4

#5151776 - Thursday 15 November 2012 9:34

Not until he soils himself from the rear has he achieved the "ultimate" state.

By DocBastard | 38

#5151609 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

At least it wasn't your anal sphincter that relaxed.

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5152387 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:50

Maybe it did and there was just nothing that needed to come out lol

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5151613 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:27

hey that stuff happens. hopefully your friend didn't notice. and if he did. FYL

By perdix | 29

#5151618 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:29

Now, you smell of urine and have to walk around in public sporting a giant pee stain. I'm guessing that's more stressful than the state you were in before. Your friend must be a bear of a yogi.

By Hannahmgp | 9

#5151628 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:34

Go watch a movie or something, I don't think meditation seems cut out for you.