Health: Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my...

By Anonymous - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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Health

Walk the line

And today, on Dr Phil…

Miss me yet?

By Anonymous

Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

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By violated ._. - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Foxboro

Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

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By imok - United States

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

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By Brrrb - Singapore

Today, I passed by a small shop and decided to go in to look at the jeans. Before I could even step in, the shop owner told me expressionlessly, "All the sizes here are too small for you". FML

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By Kirta - Canada

Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML

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By yankeeboy123 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got in line for my flight to visit a friend in England. My mom was there to see me off, and decided to shout "No sex!" while waving, in front of at least a hundred people who will very likely be sharing the transatlantic flight with me. FML

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By imwrong - Philippines

Today, I met a guy who said he thinks he's in love with my sister. As a joke, I told him that my sister cheats on everyone. I get home to find my sister crying, because some 'person' told her boyfriend that she's cheating on him. FML

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By little tooth - France

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

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By MickeyDManager - United States

Today, I found out that the girl I tutored in high school in basic ENGLISH just received her PhD in Biophysics. I am now the manager of a McDonald's. I was also the Valedictorian of our graduating class. FML

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By faglypoog

Today, my $200 drone malfunctioned and wouldn't stop. For fifteen minutes I followed it on my bike until it finally disappeared. On the way back I was pulled over for not wearing a helmet. FML

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By sunny_funny - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I'm on a residential trip for 4 days with 72 children, 5 other staff and 72 sets of parents who want to be on the phone to me constantly. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Qualicum Beach

Today, desperate to meet a guy, I went clubbing. The only guy to show any interest opened with: "You're hot, for a black chick!" FML

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By onlyme123

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

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By Cass - Australia

Today, I got the feeling that my phone smelt of cigarettes and B.O. I smelt it, realised that it was my hands that smelt, then got confused and thought maybe it was my nose piercing that smelt. I then realised my psychology class was watching me trying to smell my own nose. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was going so slow in traffic that my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

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By carey33

Quite the catch

Today, even though I’m having contractions, I’m still trying to clean up the house. My husband just got pissy with me because I was rolling the vacuum behind me instead of picking it up and carrying it to the closet. FML

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By ima nerd - United States

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of trying, my wife of seven years told me she is finally pregnant. I'm going to be an uncle. FML

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By Shelby - United States - Nokomis

Today, I got into a huge fight with a girl at school. My mom and dad decided to punish me by letting my three older brothers pick out my wardrobe for the next week. FML

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By nonbelieber - United States - Keenesburg

Today, my girlfriend started bawling, saying that our relationship wouldn't work. Why? Because if Justin and Selena can't do it, no one can. FML

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By IneedMaury - United States - Lowell

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By [email protected] - Canada

Today, I forgot my work clothes at home so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML

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By ThunderThighs - United States - Flemington

Today, I was so ashamed of my weight when I sat down and the suction of my thighs made a loud fart noise, I admitted to it being a fart rather than my fat rolls. FML

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By Bleached_Eyes - United States - Pikesville

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

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By WrongTrainGuy - 27/5/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom

Wrong way down a one way strrreeeeet

Today, I took the wrong train and didn’t realise it until it arrived in Aberdeen. Eight hours from where I was meant to go. FML

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By KC - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

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By IlikeGreenPlants - United States

Today, I found out that the plant in my kitchen that I have been watering for almost 2 years is fake. FML

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By moviewalker - United States

Today, my parents and I went to the movies for my mom's birthday. After the movie, my mom and dad got into a fight, and left me at the movies. My cell phone was dead, and my house was about 12 miles away. They finally came and picked me up, hours later. FML

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By WoofWoof - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

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By WasteOMoney - United States

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to videotape his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

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By neverdrivingagain - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours arguing with my mother, who claimed I shouldn't make a three hour drive because I wouldn't be able to concentrate for that long. I argued that I was a perfectly capable driver, and left. In the last 2 minutes of the journey, I hit a van and messed up the front of my car. FML

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By good citizen - United States

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's ex. I decided to be a good person and hold the door for her as we walked into the store. She decided to be the bitch she is and stomp on my foot as she walked through the open doorway. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, I learned that the house I've been living in and paying rent for the past two months was never advertised as vacant. I learned this when the actual homeowners walked in, and called the police for an "intruder." FML

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By Anonymous

Vultures

Today, after spending a few weeks getting to know my birth father and thinking he seemed decent, he's realised my adoptive parents aren’t rich and no, I can’t lend him a few grand. Now, he’s vanished and written several nasty Facebook posts about not being able to trust family. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#5151590 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

By chippa | 24

#5151587 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs?
Depends!
(Get some.)

COMMENTS

By chippa | 24

#5151587 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs?
Depends!
(Get some.)

Wolvander88 | 19

#5151605 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

How does it make a difference unless he was wearing a diaper?

chippa | 24

#5151607 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

Depends is a brand of diaper-underwear hybrid...

AshhyTheBlonde | 8

#5151795 - Thursday 15 November 2012 9:42

Duh!
8- Idiot.
It was a joke! I found it quite funny myself:D

Unbweavable | 17

#5152210 - Thursday 15 November 2012 13:54

Clever

Myo_fml | 20

#5152404 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:59

Sucking up gets you nowhere, 26. As you'll soon see, commenting upon that fact goes nowhere as well but at this point, I'm bury baiting.

MormonPornstar | 7

#5154224 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:55

Hey uh... 42? She's hot, so your argument is invalid. Cheers :)

By WCARlover | 34

#5151590 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

Enslaved | 36

#5151623 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:30

Haha-- Well, it does relieve stress.

Schizomaniac | 24

#5151635 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:38

You know you've been around FML too long when...

razbery_nerd | 4

#5156355 - Friday 16 November 2012 23:56

Well we all know where your minds at!

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#6159494 - Thursday 1 January 2015 5:45

No big deal, this happens to everyone.

By afrothunder666 | 5

#5151592 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

So urine a lot of stress huh? I hear meditating is good for that... Oh, maybe not hahaha

Yousuck24 | 21

#5151626 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:32

What a piss poor attempt at a pun...

Hannahmgp | 9

#5151667 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:48

Clearly, this guy is not a wizz at puns.

bettykooler | 7

#5151833 - Thursday 15 November 2012 10:18

I see what you did there..

wickedninja918 | 1

#5152257 - Thursday 15 November 2012 14:23

idk i thought it was kinda funny (but thats probably just pee)

By Wolvander88 | 19

#5151593 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

So, that happened..

ArmyxWife | 5

#5151911 - Thursday 15 November 2012 11:34

You're a *beep*ing idiot -_-

WritingWrongs | 8

#5152356 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:31

Yes it did! Very good! Now can you tell us what didn't happen?

Whaaaaaat734 | 6

#5152515 - Thursday 15 November 2012 17:06

^Intelligence.

By Gulianna | 2

#5151595 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

At least it wasn't sleep paralysis. That would've been STRESSFUL!

iOceanus | 18

#5151649 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:43

I find sleep paralysis to be an interestingly weird experience every time it happens.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#5151853 - Thursday 15 November 2012 10:39

I hate it! It scares the shit out of me.

BradyT918 | 9

#5151939 - Thursday 15 November 2012 12:01

I enjoy it. It makes it very easy to enter a lucid dream

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5151599 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:23

Congratulations grasshopper. You have achieved the ultimate state of relaxation.

tsim14 | 4

#5151776 - Thursday 15 November 2012 9:34

Not until he soils himself from the rear has he achieved the "ultimate" state.

By DocBastard | 38

#5151609 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

At least it wasn't your anal sphincter that relaxed.

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5152387 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:50

Maybe it did and there was just nothing that needed to come out lol

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5151613 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:27

hey that stuff happens. hopefully your friend didn't notice. and if he did. FYL

By perdix | 29

#5151618 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:29

Now, you smell of urine and have to walk around in public sporting a giant pee stain. I'm guessing that's more stressful than the state you were in before. Your friend must be a bear of a yogi.

By Hannahmgp | 9

#5151628 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:34

Go watch a movie or something, I don't think meditation seems cut out for you.