Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my...

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:55 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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Health

Family values

No justice

Not a cheating!

By Jen__ - 22/3/2014 07:18 - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By howtragic - 17/8/2011 12:13 - Australia

Today, my husband wrote all these wonderful romantic messages to me via Facebook, proclaiming his love to me in front of all my friends and family. Too bad he hasn't spoken to me in "real life" for almost 3 weeks. FML

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By Life of the party - 19/8/2009 05:13 - France

Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 15:09 - United States

Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML

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By LLP - 15/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Freudian slip

Today, I found out there's nothing like getting dumped and then receiving an inadvertent Snapchat sext from your ex-girlfriend that was intended for her new boyfriend, on what would have been your anniversary. FML

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By Username - 14/4/2011 06:59

Today, my boyfriend punched a hole in a door. This is on top of the broken handle, cracked sink top, dented fridge, and other holes in the wall he has also made. We are 4 months into our year lease. I don't think we are getting our $720 deposit back. FML

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By Sam - 28/11/2008 08:50 - France

Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML

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By LonerCow - 20/1/2012 15:15 - United States

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

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By a man - 13/7/2013 13:20 - United States - Houston

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, at the mall my brother and I went to look at a vendor's items when my mom said not to touch anything. Thinking my brother was standing next to me, I saw him touching stuff so I smacked him in the arm and told him to stop. I turn to see that the old lady to my side was giving me a mean look. FML

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By anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:07 - United States

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

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By I write sins not other people's essays - 12/5/2016 03:13 - United States - King George

Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

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By SadMother - 4/10/2014 19:52 - United States - South Windsor

Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML

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By Bad Parent - 23/5/2011 11:58

Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

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By racking-leaves - 14/11/2012 19:55 - United States

Today, after spending 3 hours raking leaves, I went to the store to get some supplies. I came back to find my neighbor had decided to blow his leaves all over my yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I was at a party. The music changed to a slow dance. Everybody grabbed a partner and I was left on the dancefloor alone. Suddenly, this guy walks up to me. I swore that he was going to ask me to dance. He then says: "Could you hold me my drink?" and goes to dance with another girl. FML

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By anon - 3/12/2013 04:26 - United States - Elkhart

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

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By jazzie7719 - 28/9/2014 19:26 - United States - Arlington

Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my patients. I told the little girl's mother that she needed her flu shots. When the girl heard this, she took an apple out of her pocket and threw it at me. FML

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By Elmo - 16/2/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

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By goldfish - 6/3/2012 02:47 - Canada

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

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By cmore - 11/3/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

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By anonymous - 5/2/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, due to the dry weather, my nose became dry and began to bleed so I plugged it with toilet paper and went about my business. Forgetting about it, I later went out to smoke a cigarette. Not paying attention, I lit the toilet paper on fire as well. FML

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By verycherryfucked - 28/4/2013 22:10 - United States - Bronx

Today, I had to go to the hospital for an allergic reaction. Turns out, I'm highly allergic to cherry blossoms. My wife and I just bought a house and moved into a new neighborhood. Almost every block in this neighborhood, including my own, has rows and rows of cherry blossom trees. FML

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By freakingow - 14/2/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2014 23:24 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, after ten years, our sewing machine broke. My mom tried to return it back to the store she bought it from. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 1/10/2015 05:56 - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By denied - 11/8/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I was supposed to finally go out with my guy-friend that I have liked for a long time. He told me he would text me, and after waiting for hours for the text, I finally got it. It said, "Guess what!? I just got laid!" He forgot our date, had it off, and I congratulated him. FML

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By RescuePups - 30/4/2018 09:00 - United States - Waterford

Sneaky Bitch

Today, my 8-week-old foster puppy pooped on my backpack as I was getting ready to go to work. In the 10 seconds it took to grab cleaning supplies, another foster dog ate my homemade breakfast sandwich off the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2011 18:20 - United States

Today, due to my lagging browser, I accidentally "liked" a status my friend made about the deterioration of her relationship. Then, the computer froze, making it impossible to "unlike" it immediately. My friend won't accept that it was a mistake. FML

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By StevieMe - 8/4/2009 14:48 - Canada

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

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By dumb dumb dumb - 20/10/2020 11:04 - United States

Not a good look

Today, my daughter decided she wants to be a Pokémon for Halloween. To practice the look, she used fabric dye because she thought it would look cool on her skin. Only she decided to dress as Jynx and instead of looking cool, she looks like a racist idiot in blackface. She posted pics. FML

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By couch_potato - 28/3/2013 07:53

Today, I finished installing remote access CCTV cameras around my house due to the high rate of burglaries around my neighborhood. I turn it on to see my teenage son rubbing one out on the couch. FML

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By EpicMayonnaise - 26/8/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, I went to a club. The only guy who asked me to dance introduced himself as "Bird Dog." FML

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By bouncekitty - 20/2/2011 17:04 - United States

Today, I had all of my wisdom teeth removed. After the anesthesia wore off, I asked how long the procedure took, and the nurse told me a little less than an hour. Apparently I thought this was hilarious and started laughing, which ripped my new stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2014 08:58 - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

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By crappingrapping - 21/5/2013 15:01 - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 10:30 - United States - Saint Joseph

Bad, bad, bad

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2020 14:01

Bye bye love

Today, according to my emotionally distant boyfriend, stopping by a whorehouse on his way home several nights a week for a quick blowjob isn’t cheating, because it involves cash and no intimacy afterwards. Dumped his ass real quick. FML

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By dumbass - 7/2/2011 00:58

Today, my boyfriend left for a 2-year job posting in China. We had agreed to maintain a long distance relationship and even worked out a visiting schedule. Later that night, after trying to reach him, I realized the numbers he gave me weren't for China. The country code doesn't even exist. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 15:30

Today, we woke up to two inches of water in our finished basement, which my wife and I use it as our bedroom. The plumber found roots in our sewer line. The kicker: we just bought the house four days ago. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#5151590 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

By chippa | 24

#5151587 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs?
Depends!
(Get some.)

COMMENTS

By chippa | 24

#5151587 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs?
Depends!
(Get some.)

Wolvander88 | 19

#5151605 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

How does it make a difference unless he was wearing a diaper?

chippa | 24

#5151607 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

Depends is a brand of diaper-underwear hybrid...

AshhyTheBlonde | 8

#5151795 - Thursday 15 November 2012 9:42

Duh!
8- Idiot.
It was a joke! I found it quite funny myself:D

Unbweavable | 17

#5152210 - Thursday 15 November 2012 13:54

Clever

Myo_fml | 20

#5152404 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:59

Sucking up gets you nowhere, 26. As you'll soon see, commenting upon that fact goes nowhere as well but at this point, I'm bury baiting.

MormonPornstar | 7

#5154224 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:55

Hey uh... 42? She's hot, so your argument is invalid. Cheers :)

By WCARlover | 34

#5151590 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

Enslaved | 36

#5151623 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:30

Haha-- Well, it does relieve stress.

Schizomaniac | 24

#5151635 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:38

You know you've been around FML too long when...

razbery_nerd | 4

#5156355 - Friday 16 November 2012 23:56

Well we all know where your minds at!

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#6159494 - Thursday 1 January 2015 5:45

No big deal, this happens to everyone.

By afrothunder666 | 5

#5151592 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

So urine a lot of stress huh? I hear meditating is good for that... Oh, maybe not hahaha

Yousuck24 | 21

#5151626 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:32

What a piss poor attempt at a pun...

Hannahmgp | 9

#5151667 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:48

Clearly, this guy is not a wizz at puns.

bettykooler | 7

#5151833 - Thursday 15 November 2012 10:18

I see what you did there..

wickedninja918 | 1

#5152257 - Thursday 15 November 2012 14:23

idk i thought it was kinda funny (but thats probably just pee)

By Wolvander88 | 19

#5151593 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

So, that happened..

ArmyxWife | 5

#5151911 - Thursday 15 November 2012 11:34

You're a *beep*ing idiot -_-

WritingWrongs | 8

#5152356 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:31

Yes it did! Very good! Now can you tell us what didn't happen?

Whaaaaaat734 | 6

#5152515 - Thursday 15 November 2012 17:06

^Intelligence.

By Gulianna | 2

#5151595 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

At least it wasn't sleep paralysis. That would've been STRESSFUL!

iOceanus | 18

#5151649 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:43

I find sleep paralysis to be an interestingly weird experience every time it happens.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#5151853 - Thursday 15 November 2012 10:39

I hate it! It scares the shit out of me.

BradyT918 | 9

#5151939 - Thursday 15 November 2012 12:01

I enjoy it. It makes it very easy to enter a lucid dream

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5151599 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:23

Congratulations grasshopper. You have achieved the ultimate state of relaxation.

tsim14 | 4

#5151776 - Thursday 15 November 2012 9:34

Not until he soils himself from the rear has he achieved the "ultimate" state.

By DocBastard | 38

#5151609 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

At least it wasn't your anal sphincter that relaxed.

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5152387 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:50

Maybe it did and there was just nothing that needed to come out lol

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5151613 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:27

hey that stuff happens. hopefully your friend didn't notice. and if he did. FYL

By perdix | 29

#5151618 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:29

Now, you smell of urine and have to walk around in public sporting a giant pee stain. I'm guessing that's more stressful than the state you were in before. Your friend must be a bear of a yogi.

By Hannahmgp | 9

#5151628 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:34

Go watch a movie or something, I don't think meditation seems cut out for you.