Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my...

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:55 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

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Health

The best cat

You snooze, you lose

A beautiful truck decoration

By mylifesuckssss - 9/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I received a 7 page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

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By holyshart - 5/6/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

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By YOURMOM - 31/12/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

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By eh - 6/10/2014 19:12 - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2011 16:37 - United States

Today, I told my crush of two years that I love him. He responded with an, "Aww, I'm sorry." and a pity hug. FML

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By bambam - 12/5/2014 16:01 - United States - League City

Today, me and the guy I was dating ran into my sister at the mall. He took one look at her and mumbled, "Great, I chose the ugly one" under his breath. FML

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By brittgreen - 11/8/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

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By myself - 30/1/2012 05:24 - Canada

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

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By bizzyizzy0121 - 21/11/2011 06:28 - United States

Today, I was called by a restricted number. The man on the phone then explained to me in detail what I was doing at every second that I was on the phone with him. I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2009 04:02 - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By yobruh - 17/5/2011 04:54

Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML

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By Mike - 11/9/2019 04:01 - United States - Burlington

Drama Llama

Today, I called my mother to say hi. She spent a whole hour and a half complaining about how I never call her, bawling and calling me "a waste of human flesh." I call her at least once a week. FML

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By mandapanda - 2/2/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By firehurts - 8/6/2015 23:38 - United States - Wallkill

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By mulligan - 7/7/2016 17:38 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I'll be moving to a different state in a few months for a new job. He now refers to me as his "girlfriend for now". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I though it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

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By unnamed - 26/7/2011 03:19 - United States

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

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By fuckspellcheck - 28/4/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, I realized the senior thesis I turned in last week uses the word "asses" instead of "assess" 17 times. FML

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By dantko - 1/1/2014 05:04 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

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By big_bail - 3/4/2015 23:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to the annual family reunion. The reason? Everyone thinks I'm "creepy" because I'm the only adult who will go out and play with the kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, a spider dangled an inch away from my face while I was driving. I freaked out and accidentally bumped the car in front of me. Three cops arrived on the scene and I had to explain to them what happened. I can still hear them laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2013 19:56 - United States - West Babylon

Today, a few of my friends arranged for us to go skinny-dipping with the guy I really like. It went really well, until a turd surfaced before our eyes. After we scrambled out of the pool in panic, my crush called us all freaks and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2014 10:13 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 16:47 - United States - Miami

Today, I invited my deadbeat dad over for dinner, hoping we could resolve our issues and build a proper relationship. Just minutes after he arrived, I caught him stealing money from my purse. He actually said I owe him for raising me. He ditched my mom and me when I was 5. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 16:52 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I had to explain to several young children why asking the new blind girl to play hide and seek with them is inappropriate. FML

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By breeeeeh - 21/6/2013 22:18 - France - Brou-sur-chantereine

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:45 - Norway

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

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By Anon - 28/5/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, while at the mall, a kid no older than 5 pushed a stroller into my heel, which caught the back of my shoe and caused me to face-plant the floor in the middle of a very crowded department store. I didn't even get an apology. FML

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By yen - 7/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was talking to my sister about how I need to buy gifts from Santa for my daughter, when my son asked why I would be buying them instead of letting Santa bring them. My son genuinely still believed in Santa. He’s 22 years old. FML

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By TheSacredTeddyBear - 31/7/2013 03:06 - United States - Independence

Today, I finally gave away all of the stuffed animals that I've been hoarding for years. Proud, I told my family. They congratulated me by buying me stuffed animals. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By neveragain - 12/2/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Byfleet

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2011 05:36 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend called me as I was getting ready for bed and asked me to pick him up from the bar. Being a loving girlfriend I drive the 45 minutes; when I get there his friend informs me he left about 45 minutes ago. FML

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By bademployee - 12/8/2014 23:16 - United States - Portland

Today, my boss had a lengthy and obnoxiously egocentric conversation with a colleague. After she left across the office, I stood up, looked over at my colleague, and made a sarcastic "shooting myself in the head" gesture. I saw my boss staring at me over a cubicle wall as I turned around. FML

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By Steve-noh - 10/8/2018 23:30

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By awkward - 6/11/2013 21:16 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2014 06:25 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was telling my friends about a date I had recently that went badly, because the guy turned out to be a moron. I said the last straw was when I used the word "decipher" and was met with a blank stare. I was then met with more blank stares. FML

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By seriously though - 22/2/2014 05:48 - United States - Littleton

Today, I arrived at the airport only to find my suitcase was lost and my 3 weeks worth of clothes and supplies gone. All I had left was my wallet and carry ons. Upon leaving the airport I was mugged. FML

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By shiznit - 25/10/2010 19:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

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By tylah - 23/6/2012 15:11 - United States - Piscataway

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#5151590 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

By chippa | 24

#5151587 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs?
Depends!
(Get some.)

Comments

By chippa | 24

#5151587 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs?
Depends!
(Get some.)

Wolvander88 | 19

#5151605 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

How does it make a difference unless he was wearing a diaper?

chippa | 24

#5151607 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

Depends is a brand of diaper-underwear hybrid...

AshhyTheBlonde | 8

#5151795 - Thursday 15 November 2012 9:42

Duh!
8- Idiot.
It was a joke! I found it quite funny myself:D

Unbweavable | 17

#5152210 - Thursday 15 November 2012 13:54

Clever

Myo_fml | 20

#5152404 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:59

Sucking up gets you nowhere, 26. As you'll soon see, commenting upon that fact goes nowhere as well but at this point, I'm bury baiting.

MormonPornstar | 7

#5154224 - Friday 16 November 2012 8:55

Hey uh... 42? She's hot, so your argument is invalid. Cheers :)

By WCARlover | 34

#5151590 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

Enslaved | 36

#5151623 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:30

Haha-- Well, it does relieve stress.

Schizomaniac | 24

#5151635 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:38

You know you've been around FML too long when...

razbery_nerd | 4

#5156355 - Friday 16 November 2012 23:56

Well we all know where your minds at!

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#6159494 - Thursday 1 January 2015 5:45

No big deal, this happens to everyone.

By afrothunder666 | 5

#5151592 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

So urine a lot of stress huh? I hear meditating is good for that... Oh, maybe not hahaha

Yousuck24 | 21

#5151626 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:32

What a piss poor attempt at a pun...

Hannahmgp | 9

#5151667 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:48

Clearly, this guy is not a wizz at puns.

bettykooler | 7

#5151833 - Thursday 15 November 2012 10:18

I see what you did there..

wickedninja918 | 1

#5152257 - Thursday 15 November 2012 14:23

idk i thought it was kinda funny (but thats probably just pee)

By Wolvander88 | 19

#5151593 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

So, that happened..

ArmyxWife | 5

#5151911 - Thursday 15 November 2012 11:34

You're a *beep*ing idiot -_-

WritingWrongs | 8

#5152356 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:31

Yes it did! Very good! Now can you tell us what didn't happen?

Whaaaaaat734 | 6

#5152515 - Thursday 15 November 2012 17:06

^Intelligence.

By Gulianna | 2

#5151595 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

At least it wasn't sleep paralysis. That would've been STRESSFUL!

iOceanus | 18

#5151649 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:43

I find sleep paralysis to be an interestingly weird experience every time it happens.

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#5151853 - Thursday 15 November 2012 10:39

I hate it! It scares the shit out of me.

BradyT918 | 9

#5151939 - Thursday 15 November 2012 12:01

I enjoy it. It makes it very easy to enter a lucid dream

By Kallian_fml | 21

#5151599 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:23

Congratulations grasshopper. You have achieved the ultimate state of relaxation.

tsim14 | 4

#5151776 - Thursday 15 November 2012 9:34

Not until he soils himself from the rear has he achieved the "ultimate" state.

By DocBastard | 38

#5151609 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

At least it wasn't your anal sphincter that relaxed.

amandajlucas2015 | 2

#5152387 - Thursday 15 November 2012 15:50

Maybe it did and there was just nothing that needed to come out lol

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5151613 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:27

hey that stuff happens. hopefully your friend didn't notice. and if he did. FYL

By perdix | 29

#5151618 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:29

Now, you smell of urine and have to walk around in public sporting a giant pee stain. I'm guessing that's more stressful than the state you were in before. Your friend must be a bear of a yogi.

By Hannahmgp | 9

#5151628 - Thursday 15 November 2012 8:34

Go watch a movie or something, I don't think meditation seems cut out for you.