Health: Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my...

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 21:55 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, knowing that I have been in a lot of stress lately, my friend tried to teach me how to meditate. Eventually, I ended up in a deeply relaxed state in which my mind was completely clear. When I snapped out of it, I realized I'd peed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 756

You deserved it 3 577

Health

You, you, you…

Assumptions part 27674

Get out

By Anonymous - 09/08/2013 14:54 - France

Today, I asked out a guy at work that I really like. He just stared at me and said, "Honestly? I'd rather smash my balls with a mallet. No offense." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 628

You deserved it 4 922

By Emily S - 09/10/2011 05:17 - Australia

Today, I let a guy I like look at my phone. A second later I remembered I had a secret copy of his Facebook profile picture on there to show a friend what he looked like. I was forced to tackle him to get my phone back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 292

You deserved it 40 312

By Anonymous - 13/09/2014 14:39 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 224

You deserved it 5 064

By thanksfamily - 18/09/2012 11:22 - United States - Bethesda

Today, I got engaged. My family is already placing bets on how long it will take for my fiancée to "wise up and ditch" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 271

You deserved it 2 414

By Anonymous - 16/05/2016 04:48 - United States - Rocky Mount

Today, I had to sit through the wedding of my best friend and the love of my life, and pretend to be happy for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 944

You deserved it 3 345

By suspiciouspeople - 05/08/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I discovered that sitting in the back of your car from 8-9 p.m. talking with a friend in a park area is suspicious enough behavior to have cops called on you, then for backup to arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 514

You deserved it 5 218

By scumbag i guess - 08/09/2012 00:26 - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 886

You deserved it 53 247

By BunniesOnAcid - 03/07/2012 23:01 - United States - Clinton

Today, I was at the airport. I was on my way to see my dad for the first time since I was 4. Whilst I was waiting for my dad to find me, a strange man started flirting with me. Irritated, I told him I was waiting for my dad to get me, and to f*ck off. The strange man was my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 735

You deserved it 4 102

By -_- - 22/09/2013 18:00 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant I really like. As I waited on my first customer, I suggested that he try the apple pie, because it's my favourite. He looked up at me and said, "Yeah? Figures! Lay off 'em, porky!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 209

You deserved it 6 092

By Anonymous - 12/11/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 291

You deserved it 7 418

By that's methed up, darling - 16/08/2013 21:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dragged me to the local McDonald's, refusing to drive me home until he ate. When I mentioned how dangerous that part of town is, he stopped and went all Walter White on me in front of everyone, spouting lines like "I AM the danger" and "I'M the one who knocks, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 818

You deserved it 6 062

Workers rise up!

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 08:01 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I found out that, despite working 4 part-time jobs, that I will not qualify for maternity leave by my due date with the mandatory 600 hours. I can't get full-time work and I'm 8 months pregnant now. This'll be fun! FML

I agree, your life sucks 876

You deserved it 137

Grab it while you can

By Arabian_Soap - 31/05/2021 16:01 - Australia - Mermaid Beach

Today, I was walking through a rich part of the city and saw 2 dollars on the ground. I didn't pick it so people wouldn't think I was poor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 272

You deserved it 1 076

By BearMan - 09/02/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 000

You deserved it 4 854

By UptoHERE - 04/02/2010 03:18 - Canada

Today, I was on a road-trip with some of my buddies, when we stopped at a gas station. When I opened the door to their bathroom, brown water flowed out, soaking my legs up to my knees. I then spent another 2 hours in an enclosed vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 367

You deserved it 2 268

Bon appétit

By Anonymous - 05/09/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from underground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls, only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 958

You deserved it 24 611

By tbree - 19/09/2014 22:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could get some feminine hygiene products. When we got there, he went running down the aisles yelling, "Help! My daughter's bleeding to death! Where're the tampons?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 948

You deserved it 4 453

Air Conditioned Egg on Face?

By Anonymous - 05/08/2019 06:00

Today, I went to see the mechanic who'd just serviced my car, because it was still leaking cooling fluid. I started to explain the problem, but he stopped me and asked if I'd had the AC on. I said yes. He smiled and said lots people have this "problem" in summer. Did you know the AC releases fluid when you turn it off? I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 718

By RAHrahRAH - 15/01/2010 02:07 - Canada

Today, I went to my doctor to get my x-ray results. Turns out, I have a fractured spine and a chip of my spine has moved. Now I'm in a neck brace because my dad didn't think it was serious, and told me to "suck it up princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 365

You deserved it 2 372

By pillowless - 13/10/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my house had been broken into. The items stolen were my PS3, cell phone, laptop, tablets, and for some reason my deodorant and pillowcases as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 898

You deserved it 2 394

By NotFunny - 24/09/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 990

You deserved it 4 367

Denial

By Alvin - 02/07/2021 17:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I'm quit my job after finding out that there were multiple confirmed cases of Covid-19. It wouldn't be a big deal, if I didn't find out that people aren't following safe distancing, checking their body heat, walking about without face masks, and leaving the entire site dirty as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 756

You deserved it 270

Disgusting

By ocdeane - 01/10/2019 22:00 - Germany - Mainz

Today, I noticed a disgusting, cheesy smell and spent all day wondering what it was. I later found out that it wasn't coming from my feet, but from my belly button. My surgery wound got infected. I'm a germaphobe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 524

You deserved it 246

By Anonymous - 05/02/2012 20:41 - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 201

You deserved it 5 049

Who did you piss off?

By Smashed - 15/11/2009 23:16 - United States

Today, when I walked up to my car, all my windows were smashed. Thankfully, all I keep in my car is jumper cables, a pen, my car insurance and manual. Whoever smashed my windows apparently was pissed, 'cos they left a note saying "F**k you and your f**king station wagon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 447

You deserved it 2 594

By Lolaa123 - 25/09/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, my 5 year old daughter told me that I needed to stay 50 feet away from her at all times when we were at school, mostly because I didn't hang with the cool parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 142

You deserved it 3 846

By Anonymous - 01/05/2019 04:00

Today, I noticed that my 80-year-old mother has gone through 50+ bottles of my home-made wine. She only moved in with me a month ago. And now I have no wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 141

You deserved it 213

By Anonymous - 06/04/2012 07:24 - United States - Everett

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 599

You deserved it 27 900

By Anonymous - 18/11/2012 05:05 - United States - New Cumberland

Today, I put on a shirt that said "skilled in every position." My boyfriend took one look and said, "since when?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 103

You deserved it 30 379

Nice to know

By LyricalTragedy - 16/12/2016 00:08

Today, I saw my father for the first time in two years. He felt compelled to tell me about how he got involved with a BDSM group and got an STD because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 995

You deserved it 722

By SadOral - 03/07/2019 00:01

Today, my wife fell asleep. I was giving her head at the time. Her snoring gave it away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 496

You deserved it 838

By anonbob - 08/07/2011 01:28 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 320

You deserved it 3 207

Time consumed

By unendowed - 18/03/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 314

You deserved it 11 656

By Wrongword - 17/04/2012 10:52 - China - Shanghai

Today, I congratulated a bride standing in front of a church in a white dress. Turns out she'd been stood up at the altar. She thrashed me with her bouquet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 547

You deserved it 4 084

Not a good look

By dumb dumb dumb - 20/10/2020 11:04 - United States

Today, my daughter decided she wants to be a Pokémon for Halloween. To practice the look, she used fabric dye because she thought it would look cool on her skin. Only she decided to dress as Jynx and instead of looking cool, she looks like a racist idiot in blackface. She posted pics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 148

You deserved it 165

By Carmen - 11/04/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend does not stop by my apartment to give me a kiss between classes. He is actually stopping by between his classes to steal my condoms because he is too cheap to pay for them when he cheats on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 331

You deserved it 5 641

By deathstar3548 - 22/09/2014 10:58 - United States - Orlando

Today, I learned that even though a woman has a baby carriage and seems friendly, she won't be afraid to mug you in front of her kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 746

You deserved it 3 446

Menace II Society

By can’t buy her love - 22/03/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 448

You deserved it 134

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 18:30 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 388

You deserved it 5 325

By Username - 03/01/2011 11:40

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 764

You deserved it 10 651

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

WCARlover 34

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

chippa 24

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs? Depends! (Get some.)

chippa 24

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:20

Does a 50 year old man wear boxers or briefs? Depends! (Get some.)

Wolvander88 19

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

How does it make a difference unless he was wearing a diaper?

chippa 24

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

Depends is a brand of diaper-underwear hybrid...

AshhyTheBlonde 8

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 9:42

Duh! 8- Idiot. It was a joke! I found it quite funny myself:D

Unbweavable 17

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 13:54

Clever

Myo_fml 20

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 15:59

Sucking up gets you nowhere, 26. As you'll soon see, commenting upon that fact goes nowhere as well but at this point, I'm bury baiting.

MormonPornstar 7

Send a private message

Friday 16 November 2012 8:55

Hey uh... 42? She's hot, so your argument is invalid. Cheers :)

WCARlover 34

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

I automatically read "meditate" as "masturbate". Oops

Enslaved 36

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:30

Haha-- Well, it does relieve stress.

Schizomaniac 24

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:38

You know you've been around FML too long when...

razbery_nerd 4

Send a private message

Friday 16 November 2012 23:56

Well we all know where your minds at!

HeyHeyFishFillet 34

Send a private message

Thursday 1 January 2015 5:45

No big deal, this happens to everyone.

afrothunder666 5

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:21

So urine a lot of stress huh? I hear meditating is good for that... Oh, maybe not hahaha

Yousuck24 21

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:32

What a piss poor attempt at a pun...

Hannahmgp 9

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:48

Clearly, this guy is not a wizz at puns.

bettykooler 7

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 10:18

I see what you did there..

wickedninja918 1

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 14:23

idk i thought it was kinda funny (but thats probably just pee)

Wolvander88 19

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

So, that happened..

ArmyxWife 5

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 11:34

You're a *beep*ing idiot -_-

WritingWrongs 8

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 15:31

Yes it did! Very good! Now can you tell us what didn't happen?

Whaaaaaat734 6

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 17:06

^Intelligence.

Gulianna 2

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:22

At least it wasn't sleep paralysis. That would've been STRESSFUL!

iOceanus 18

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:43

I find sleep paralysis to be an interestingly weird experience every time it happens.

PeteyPablo12308 20

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 10:39

I hate it! It scares the shit out of me.

BradyT918 9

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 12:01

I enjoy it. It makes it very easy to enter a lucid dream

Kallian_fml 21

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:23

Congratulations grasshopper. You have achieved the ultimate state of relaxation.

tsim14 4

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 9:34

Not until he soils himself from the rear has he achieved the "ultimate" state.

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:26

At least it wasn't your anal sphincter that relaxed.

amandajlucas2015 2

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 15:50

Maybe it did and there was just nothing that needed to come out lol

secretsymbiote21 5

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:27

hey that stuff happens. hopefully your friend didn't notice. and if he did. FYL

perdix 29

Send a private message

Thursday 15 November 2012 8:29

Now, you smell of urine and have to walk around in public sporting a giant pee stain. I'm guessing that's more stressful than the state you were in before. Your friend must be a bear of a yogi.