Dad jokes

Tooth hurty, get it?

By Anonymous - 03/12/2023 10:00

Today, acting like a responsible, proactive adult and make a dentist appointment. The receptionist asked if I was available at 2:30. I replied, "Sorry, can we do 2:31? I've got a meeting." She didn't find it as funny as I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 671

Mystery

By Waheyyy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 570

You deserved it 8 201

Dad pranks '09

By PISSED - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Germany

Today, I finally got a date with one of the hottest girls in school, a perfect 10. Just before I go to pick her up to go to the movies, I called her to find out where she lives. She answered the phone, only to hear my father yelling in the background, "STOP TALKING TO THAT WHORE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 635

You deserved it 5 281

Oddly specific question

By Anonymous - 08/11/2023 06:00 - Japan - Osaka

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he’d love me if I were a worm. His answer involved chopping me in half and having a threesome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 381

Not funny, Graham

By Anonymous - 25/10/2023 22:00

Today, I was at the gym when my dad thought it would be funny to push me into the ladies' changing room. Over a dozen naked women didn’t think it was funny. I was slapped twice, police were called, I’m now banned from my favourite gym for life, and even my wife is giving me dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 896

You deserved it 118

Nice guy

By Guineapig98 - 03/10/2023 04:00 - United States - Miami

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 5 years when he was going to propose to me because I wasn’t getting any younger. He responded with, “Well, ask yourself are you getting any skinnier? I need a trophy wife, you know?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 335

Heckler hell

By katie876 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 703

You deserved it 3 535

Happy Birthday

By Schubey - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - North Bay

Today, I woke up to my dad telling me that we're going to Disneyland. Apparently, by "we" he meant him and my mom. They did, however, make a point to say "Happy birthday!" before they left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 727

You deserved it 2 144

Octopi

By daddoesn'tknowbest - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 690

You deserved it 3 726

Detained

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying, "Only these guns!" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. Neither will the cops down at the station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 061

You deserved it 51 036

Freaked

By Anonymous - 12/06/2023 15:00

Today, my dad joked he’d have to fight my boyfriend to find out if he’s worthy. My boyfriend grew up abused by his dad and older brothers, and has a powerful instinct to fight back. My dad is now out cold on the floor and my boyfriend is in the corner rocking back and forth and crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 146

Violence is never the answer

By Anonymous - 04/06/2023 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my coworker warned me that if I made one more dad joke, she’d belt me with a frying pan. Alas, I did not believe her capable of such violence, which is why I now sit here with a bag of frozen peas pressed to the 3-inch lump on the back of my head. Plus she was sacked, so now I feel horribly guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 666

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay

By axewoman - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 571

You deserved it 3 799

No time to be joking around

By Anonymous - 03/04/2023 19:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to have two stents removed from having kidney stones, so I was strapped down to a table. The doctors were guys. I said, "I’ve had this dream before, but you two weren’t in it." I didn’t realize the female nurse was still there. It took them quite a while to stop laughing before they started.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 595

You deserved it 335

Awkward phrasing

By Anonymous - 09/01/2023 12:00

Today, a blind guy asked me out, but since I'm already in a relationship I politely declined, saying, "Sorry, I'm already seeing someone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 807

You deserved it 227

Sailed over my head

By Robbed - 05/01/2023 11:00 - United States

Today, my mom told she was robbed once, 40+ years ago. My mom is 51, so I was wondering what kind of monster would steal from a child. I then realized after almost an entire minute that it was a joke about my uncle, named Robert, who was born at that specified time. It would seem that I've been "robbed" of a brain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 271

Digging my heels in

By jj. - 03/01/2023 21:00

Today, my family dragged me to a steakhouse, knowing full well I'm vegan. I sat there, with my sad little salad, watching as they stuffed themselves with burned animal flesh and laughed at me. They wonder why I hate them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 643

You deserved it 1 464

Inappropriate "joke" time

By Anonymous - 21/11/2022 09:00 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, we were talking about how Google apparently has a room full of puppies for when their employees are feeling stressed. I made a very loud joke about how we should get a room full of company prostitutes for when we feel stressed, not realizing there was a customer and my manager in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 2 013

Helter Skelter

By EffUrEll - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, while at work, a Beatles song came on the radio. I jokingly said, "These guys are pretty good, are they new?" Everyone thought I was being serious, and now they're convinced I'm an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 182

You deserved it 36 836

Good one, dad

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was almost done getting ready for a really big date, when I heard my dad call for help from outside. I rushed downstairs and out the door, only to be ambushed and showered by my father with the garden hose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 446

You deserved it 4 270

Self confidence

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my parents and I were looking through old photos. My dad comments, "Wow you were chubby back then. But that's ok, it was baby fat." Then he turns to me and asks, "What's your excuse now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 093

You deserved it 11 575

Good one, thanks

By Skidaddle123 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of Coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 508

You deserved it 9 871

You can't say anything these days

By Ashley Marshburn - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter walked into my home office and said, "Fuck you!" Then she ran to my husband and said, "Did I say it right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 575

You deserved it 5 354

Alexa, play "No Fun" by The Stooges

By Anonymous - 15/02/2022 21:59

Today, I was supposed to be meeting my daughter's boyfriend, but my wife has locked me in the basement until he leaves, so there’s no chance of me tormenting the boy. Quite wise on her part, I had all kinds of evil ideas, but now I’m locked in here, I’m bored as hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 311

You deserved it 2 499

Punching down

By Anonymous - 22/01/2022 04:59

Today, my parents and I went on a hilarious tangent where we rattled off the most ridiculously dark jokes that we could think of. It was going pretty well, until my dad made a joke about diabetes. My mom is diabetic. Now my mom is furious at my dad, and he's blaming me for it. I wasn't the one who made the joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 241

You deserved it 173

Dads gonna dad

By biggrl - 11/05/2021 08:00 - South Africa

Today, I had to ask my dad to drop me off at my doctor's appointment. He insisted on coming up to the waiting room with me. When my doctor came out, he greeted her with, "Hi, I'm the dad, but I won't sit in because she's a 'big girl now'." I'm 21, and I was at my gyno check-up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 325

You deserved it 122

Don't be a dingdong

By Steve - 03/04/2021 21:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter's boyfriend came to the house to pick her up. As a responsible father, I had an evil plan to torture the boy who dares date my girl, but my wife preempted my plan so during his short visit, she stood behind me the whole time with her taser down my buttcrack in case I acted up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 438

You deserved it 2 677

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

By Anonymous - 05/02/2021 05:01

Today, I was working at my desk when a colleague came over to my desk and said, “You loiter in gay bars”. I started having a panic attack because I thought he'd found out and would out me to my wife. Only when he began cracking up laughing did I realise it was a "joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 465

You deserved it 2 036

Dad joke number 287474

By HunkyFez - 28/08/2020 08:06 - Australia

Today, my dad offered to make me lunch as it was my first day at a new school. Today was also the day I had to eat a penis-shaped sandwich in front of my new peers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 735

You deserved it 247

Go forth and NOT multiply

By MirandaKristine - 06/03/2020 12:31 - United States - Miami

Today, my dad handed me my refilled birth control prescription. I thanked him, and he replied, "Well, God forbid you run out and reproduce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 325

Keywords

Weird Creepypasta Love Nice Guys LGBTQIA+ Religion Work Awkward Food Health Painful Transportation Sex Intimacy Politics Coworkers Death Mental health Cars Technology Social Media Parents Gamers Video games Poopoo peepee Kids Animals Cats Bosses Snow

The Top

Today, my dentist kept staring at me with a worried expression while working on me. Concerned that something was wrong with my teeth, I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "I'm not a dermatologist, but you should go to a doctor, I think you have staph." She was referring to my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 434

You deserved it 134

Today, I stayed at my mate's house over the weekend, but his mother threw me out, saying I’m was taking advantage of her hospitality. First, it’s her son's house, so it’s not even her hospitality, but also I was helping redecorate the whole house for free, so how was I taking advantage? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 105

You deserved it 82

The Top

Today, my boyfriend told me he had to go pick up his family from the airport. I assumed he meant his parents. He apologized and said he meant his wife and child. They'd got their visa sooner than he'd thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 080

You deserved it 6 201

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 470

You deserved it 1 575

Today, I woke up to the sight of a zucchini and a condom on my bedside table, along with a note saying "I know it's tough being single." Apparently my mom has boundary issues, my dad will laugh at anything, and the fact I just got dumped means nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 665

You deserved it 3 012

Today, I had to crown the homecoming queen, a responsibility of mine as class president. It just happened to be that the queen is my ex-girlfriend that I still love, escorted by her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 714

You deserved it 4 146

Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, I tried to wipe some sweat off my brow before it could make its way down into my eye. I ended up poking myself in the eye so hard that I yelped, stumbled and was thrown off the still-moving treadmill while trying to regain my balance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 448

You deserved it 7 246

Today, I realized our cat has a sixth sense for when he wants to be seen. When we don't care where the cat is, he's within plain sight. When we lose track of him and are in a panic worrying if he got out, he's hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 332