Miscellaneous: Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Auberry

Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML

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BO Central

Waiting for that special someone

Unrequited

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML

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By MotherofET - Australia

Today, my daughter announced on Facebook that she is directly descended from extra-terrestrials. That would be okay - except she's 25 and believes it's true. FML

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By ocroyalty - United States

Today, I was trying to get my car out of my boyfriend's apartment garage but couldn't. Why? Because somebody decided to park in front if the garage door and have sex. Complete with steamed windows and loud noises. FML

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By kthx - Canada

Today, it was my grandfather's burial. As the family was about to leave, a great aunt came up to my skinny, tall and pretty cousin and told her, "Stay beautiful and kind." Then, she walked to me and said, "And you, Stay kind." FML

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By Oops - Australia

Today, I was talking to a female friend online. She was typing out a story bit by bit about how awful she was feeling after being teased. I was responding with "So, so true" but because of my slow typing it appeared after she wrote, "Doesn't help being fat." FML

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By pissedexworker - United States

Today, I found out that being rushed unconscious to the hospital and missing work qualifies you for termination if you don't call in, even if you have a note from the ER doctor. FML

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By firedupasshole - 27/7/2020 05:01

Make your mind up

Today, while taking to-go orders at my restaurant, a customer called saying he wanted his food well done. He even said, “Burn it to a crisp.” Which is what I told the kitchen. When he came to pick it up, he opened his food, inspected it and screamed, “Not this burned, you damn retard!” and threw it at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

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By tabbycacti - Australia

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

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By cancerfreak - United States

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

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By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Ipswich

Today, I was cycling with my uncle and became increasingly frustrated as we got further and further from our intended destination. It took me a while to figure out that I had somehow lost my uncle and was following a complete stranger. FML

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By samgonzalessb - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was installing wireless surveillance cameras outside my workplace. Before mounting them, I pointed them around the building to make sure there was a good signal and picture. I got inside to the monitor just in time to see a kid steal one of the cameras. FML

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By metalmusic - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

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By yper - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By worried - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that a boy in my class had written a song about me. Intrigued, I went to see him perform. I spent 3 excruciating minutes listening to a song about 'the girl of his dreams', his tear-filled eyes staring into mine the whole time. I have to sit next to this freak for the next 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML

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By HungryStudent - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By unbelievable - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML

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By amy - United States - Wellesley Hills

A cashier's life

Today, as I worked as a cashier, two girls came up laughing. I smiled as I rang them up, asking what had made them laugh so hard. One looked me dead in the face and said, "You." They then both walked away, laughing. FML

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By it's shitty, yeah, stfu - Sweden - Trollh?ttan

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up early to prepare for my graduation party. I'd invited the entire graduating class of 2011, and tons of people confirmed that they were going to come. Two hours after the time I'd told everyone to show up, I'm still the only one here. FML

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By poncho31 - United States

Today, I drove 6 hours to make a job interview missing my best friends' wedding. The interview is actually tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML

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By oh my fucking god - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

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By jlw1998 - United States - Dallas

Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML

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By sandwichmaker - United States

Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML

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By Tj Hunt - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

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By panicromanceX3 - United States

Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML

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By sad - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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By okaythen - United States - Euless

Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

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By It was the 11 year old - United States - Austin

Today, I overheard my 11-year-old son giving my 8-year-old daughter the sex talk. FML

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By NightHawk4926 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

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By donguigeek - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

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By kya - 29/1/2021 03:31

Low effort

Today, my mother, who works in retail, wears her mask around my dad and my siblings, but deliberately takes it off around me. I always knew she hated me. FML

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By bibou2324

Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

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By DingusGinger

Today, I found out my boss likes to shit talk about me when I'm not around. Best part is I don't know what I've done to piss him off. FML

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Top comments

By dakotahulsey | 15

#5893645 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:36

Now you can put it on and impress girls.

By just16letters | 15

#5893647 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:37

Well you didn't specify where you wanted him to keep it..

COMMENTS

By dakotahulsey | 15

#5893645 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:36

Now you can put it on and impress girls.

Reply

aireeahna | 23

#5893946 - Sunday 23 March 2014 19:56

That would only work if op was a guy or was into girls.

Reply

dakotahulsey | 15

#5894010 - Sunday 23 March 2014 21:22

Thank you for letting me know

Reply

ender6137 | 5

#5894278 - Monday 24 March 2014 4:41

Like Beavis and Butthead!

By woainishamu | 21

#5893646 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:36

He shaved it just for you. (Save)

Reply

Tobber | 16

#5893671 - Sunday 23 March 2014 10:07

Wait, you meant 's(h)aved'? :D

...

No, still not funny

Reply

glabberfasted | 16

#5893685 - Sunday 23 March 2014 10:46

He Sean Connery shaved it

Reply

Kamon97 | 23

#5893777 - Sunday 23 March 2014 15:14

You guys aren't funny...

Reply

Lct1196 | 31

#5894050 - Sunday 23 March 2014 22:28

I like how this entire string of comments all have a large number of negative ratings

Reply

JaneChemi_fml | 21

#5894496 - Monday 24 March 2014 12:33

my turn :D

By just16letters | 15

#5893647 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:37

Well you didn't specify where you wanted him to keep it..

By SemiAuto | 21

#5893649 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:39

Must've been a hairy situation.

Reply

PotterHead_DH | 26

#5893710 - Sunday 23 March 2014 13:18

No.

Reply

birdeye1524 | 12

#5893922 - Sunday 23 March 2014 19:37

I still don't know why this got x such negative votes. I loved it. I laughed way to long at this actually.

Reply

SemiAuto | 21

#5893945 - Sunday 23 March 2014 19:56

I'm sorry. I'm new to this app and did not realize it would get so many down votes.

Reply

SemiAuto | 21

#5893949 - Sunday 23 March 2014 19:58

People must not like puns lol.

Reply

mad_hatter0666 | 22

#5893959 - Sunday 23 March 2014 20:09

Nah...we don't mind puns, it's just that one has been really over used here.

Reply

SmokinGuns | 13

#5893992 - Sunday 23 March 2014 21:04

Puns are supposed to be creative and funny. This was obvious and overused.

Reply

patchesOhoolihan | 12

#5894053 - Sunday 23 March 2014 22:46

People on iFunny love puns, FML users, not so much. Especiall all the overused "situation" ones

By Nilorak | 24

#5893650 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:39

Your dad is a legend.

By GEBEH | 14

#5893651 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:39

Maybe he took it a little too literal.. hopefully he has a great sense of humour and didn't actually think you wanted his beard in a jar!

Reply

OptimusVader | 23

#5893760 - Sunday 23 March 2014 14:41

I'm pretty sure his sense of humor is the reason why he put it in a jar in the first place.

By lisslyi | 19

#5893652 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:40

Why would you want him to keep it?

Reply

Nilorak | 24

#5893653 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:41

Maybe he just had a special bond to his dad's beard.

Reply

SmuggletheBudgie | 15

#5893728 - Sunday 23 March 2014 13:36

Or maybe because if your dad doesnt have a beard you have two mums.

Reply

OptimusVader | 23

#5893761 - Sunday 23 March 2014 14:44

Or maybe it's like with my dad where you've only ever seen him with a beard and couldn't imagine him without it.

My dad shaved his beard only once before and I thought there was a stranger sleeping on my living room couch when I got home that night. Weirdest situation ever.

By bluucat | 17

#5893654 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:41

Guess he wasn't clear about what you meant...

Reply

chutney_02 | 22

#5893661 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:47

#9 Just like how OP wasn't clear what he meant in the FML

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5894785 - Monday 24 March 2014 21:50

#13- No, OP was pretty clear about it...

By Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5893655 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:42

Now you can glue it to yourself ... wherever you need hair.

Reply

Stryker78cRS | 15

#5893830 - Sunday 23 March 2014 16:43

WHEREVER you need hair... LOL

By colby6666 | 42

#5893656 - Sunday 23 March 2014 9:43

Sounds more like an FML for him. "Today, my [son/daughter] told me [he/she] wanted me to keep my beard. So I shaved it off and put it in a jar in [his/her] room. [He/she] is now afraid to come near me. FML"