Miscellaneous: Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into... - FML

By sick of this shit - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

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Everyone's an expert

Greed

F is for Family

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I got to the frozen foods, I saw some lean pockets, which I haven't had in forever, so I bought a couple of boxes. Around lunch time, I was hungry and thought I could have some, until I realized why I stopped buying them: I don't have a microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2021 17:00

Marriage doesn't solve anything

Today, my wife told me how she really felt about me, and said she didn't love me anymore. We got married last month. FML

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By blck - United States

Today, my girlfriend tried to clean out the fireplace with a vacuum cleaner, she sucked up a bunch of embers which set the vacuum on fire. After a crying for a bit, she went back to finish cleaning up only to find that some embers she dumped in a bucket melted through and set part of the carpet on fire. FML

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By poop - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

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By razordot - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after complaining all my life that no one makes a decent can opener, I have realised that I have been using them the wrong way. I finally figured out that the cutting blade goes on the SIDE of the can not the TOP. I'm 57 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 08:08

Like what you see?

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my cousin, instead of the girl who shares the same name. She liked it. FML

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By wow - United States - Gainesville

Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML

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By :| - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I heard my neighbors having a violent argument in their front yard. I listened in, and soon found out why the wife wasn't happy with her husband. Apparently, she had caught her husband peeking through my windows for the second time this month. FML

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By grenade - United States

Today, I was at a club with my friends, when a group of guys approached us. It got quiet for a second, and I heard one of them say, "It's okay, I've got the fat one this time," then walk over and start talking to me. FML

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By TMI - United States

Today, I had the misfortune of being left alone with my dad. He took it as an opportunity to tell me in detail all about his recent vasectomy, and the complications the surgeon had due to the scar tissue on my dad's testicles. FML

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By HistoryFreak - France

Today, I told my parents that what I'd really like for my 21st birthday is the 1865 edition of the Memoirs of Saint-Simon in 22 volumes that I found online for $200, and have been wanting for months. They laughed and said, "Yeah, right. We'll get you an iPhone and perhaps you'll become normal." FML

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By fmyarse - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

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By supergirl7 - United States

Today, I discovered I can properly operate the television remote with my feet. I then realized that it is pretty much my only talent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

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By notpregnant - United States

Today, I updated my Facebook status to "It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood." My cousin, seeing the status, failed to pick up on the sarcastic humor. She called all my family members and tell them that I was pregnant. Including my husband in Iraq. FML

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By whatchagonnado - Canada - Victoria

Today, while at my boyfriend's house, I needed to use the bathroom. I decided to be a good girlfriend and leave the seat up for him. He later yelled at me for not putting the seat down because he needed to take a dump. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I had a gymnastics meet. I thought I was done with my period, but when I was up on the beam warming up my routine, one of my coaches called me down and told me that I apparently wasn't. My coach goes around asking my teammates moms if they had any pads. My dad caught this all on tape. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wasilla

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

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By froyo - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Thanks.

Today, I asked a guy if I could finally meet his mom after we’ve been exclusive for almost a year now. He goes, "You’re special, but you’re not THAT special." FML

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By insomniac x2 - Mexico - Garza Garc

Today, I watched TV in the early morning. I was watching The Ring, and when the scene came on where the girl is crawling out of the TV, my dad grabbed my shoulders from behind me out of nowhere, causing me to shriek like a little bitch. I don't know how long he waited to do that. FML

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By justawallflower - United States - Elyria

Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML

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By mimabee - United States

Today, my boyfriend got a job at a trendy clothing store in the mall. Trying to be supportive, I went to visit him and tried something on. I got stuck in the jeans and had to call my boyfriend, who sent the manager to pull the jeans off me. FML

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By jend - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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By mochiko - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my little brother. I saw him touching some expensive objects, so I slapped his arm. I noticed he wasn't my brother when he started crying and his real mom slapped me in the face. FML

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By Mrmz07 - United States - Midland

Today, I was called in to work on my day off to cover for a co-worker because she was busy getting it on with my brother. FML

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By Username - Netherlands

Today, my sister announced that she had gotten engaged. I was happy for her until I found out she's marrying the guy who relentlessly bullied me all through high school. FML

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By screwyouchris - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By Anna

Today, I went into a gynecology appointment to find out my IUD had apparently fallen out without me knowing. What tipped me off? My pregnancy test. FML

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By MyMomIsInsane - United States - Uniontown

Today, my mom demanded that I go into the basement and fix the water heater. I told her that I had no idea how to fix it, so she threw my phone down the stairs, told me to Google it, and locked the basement door behind me. It's been two hours. FML

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By creepyguy - Australia

Today, I noticed a girl looking at me on the train. Playing it cool, I decided to give her a smile and see what would happen. It came out as a creepy, seedy grin, prompting her to call security. FML

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By mudafkrmas - Canada

Today, I was trying to look cute in front of this really nice guy. I sure hope he thinks smacking into a pole, rebounding backwards and knocking over an old man is cute. FML

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By thatguy - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

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By ThatOneGirl646 - United States

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

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By labie

Today, my girlfriend angrily broke up with me. The reason? I misgendered her new dog. FML

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By omgwhyme - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me for a blow job. After I said "no" over ten times, he decided to get up and slap me across the face with his penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my phone. On the bright side, someone found it. On the downside, they won't give it back. FML

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By iFail - United States

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML

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By jess - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

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Top comments

By whatarethisss | 22

#6557727 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:15

Next time, don't forget to pee around your fridge to mark your territory.

By kenyrabit | 25

#6557736 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:17

Never heard of the Dutch-fridge before! :D

COMMENTS

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6557726 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:14

Rip in peace

Reply

GeorgeCarter95 | 16

#6557806 - Sunday 13 March 2016 1:31

Rest in peace in peace?

Reply

icekingz | 7

#6557840 - Sunday 13 March 2016 3:06

It's a meme

Reply

SumDonkus | 6

#6558032 - Sunday 13 March 2016 10:10

"it's a meme you dip"

Reply

ADOG2645 | 17

#6558532 - Monday 14 March 2016 3:24

Rip in pepperonies

By whatarethisss | 22

#6557727 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:15

Next time, don't forget to pee around your fridge to mark your territory.

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#6557893 - Sunday 13 March 2016 5:04

That's a good idea, I'm gonna go pee on my girlfriend

Reply

whatarethisss | 22

#6557935 - Sunday 13 March 2016 6:04

Kinky! Lmao.

Reply

isuckwithnames | 22

#6558062 - Sunday 13 March 2016 12:14

R. Kelly?

By HoboMeth | 32

#6557732 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:16

kick him out

By TheClassicMan848 | 11

#6557735 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:17

You're dad is either really funny, or an absolute asshole

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6557839 - Sunday 13 March 2016 3:02

I'm going to go with asshole, just because that's NASTY!

Reply

isuckwithnames | 22

#6558069 - Sunday 13 March 2016 12:21

Why? We can assume that he's wearing pants and underwear, since the wording of the post implies OP lives away from their parents and that is the social norm for developed countries. The fart would have to penetrate the underwear and pants so nothing is getting in there.

By kenyrabit | 25

#6557736 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:17

Never heard of the Dutch-fridge before! :D

By WCARlover | 34

#6557737 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:17

Well if you were planning on having beans for dinner he's just taking out the middleman

By Scarylizard1798 | 23

#6557743 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:21

Dad jokes gone too far

By JpTheGreat23 | 19

#6557745 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:23

Delicious

By FelicityWishes | 32

#6557758 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:34

Free dinner :D

By weatherxveins | 29

#6557765 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:40

How considerate of him to provide for his family.