Miscellaneous: Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into... - FML

By sick of this shit - United States - West Grove

Today, my dad opened my fridge, let rip a horrible fart into it, then closed it and said "There ya go, a little somethin' for supper." FML

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Relationships sink

Don't shoot the messenger

Persona non grata

By notacashier - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I used the self-checkout for the first time. I didn't see a slot for bills, so I tried to put them in the coin slot for a solid three minutes. There was a huge line behind me, silently judging. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, I noticed there was no toilet paper left, so I dug through my purse to use my one and only pad as a substitute. It clogged the toilet, and I started my period ten minutes later. FML

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By amidreaming?? - United Kingdom - Bushey

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish - 6/7/2020 14:02

Bosom buddies

Today, while caring for my drunk girlfriend, she confessed that she cheated on me 3 different times with my sister. Now I know why they are always spending time together. FML

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By beeee - Australia

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML

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By JL.

Today I was trying to show off to my mother about how much detail I placed into my group project that I had to do tomorrow. I then proceeded to delete the project thinking that I was just removing it from my phone.... Everyone's research and my 3 day's of hard work went with it. FML.

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By Lola

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

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By 20month dry spell

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By aXel

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after disappearing for an unusually long period of time, my boss called the store phone while sitting on the toilet. Turns out she'd started bleeding uncontrollably from the arse, and as the only other female staff member, she needed me to go help her. FML

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By fuckmyhair - 16/4/2020 23:00

Stuck

Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went on vacation. We flew 2000 miles, got off the plane, got our bags and stood outside the airport for our ride. She looks at me and says, "I can't do this anymore." So, she broke up with me and flew back home. Now I'm on vacation alone. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my dad why it is important for him to clear the browsing history after watching sexual explicit material on the family computer. FML

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By iloveryanhiga - United States

Today, my parents woke me up at 4 am and informed me of their impending divorce. They then woke me up again three hours later and told me "never mind". This same routine happens several times a month. FML

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By tumblrinas_at_work - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

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By Kiddo - United States - Jacksonville

Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

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By Jesse from - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was trying to get my girlfriend to speak Mandarin. After speaking her first words and taking a break, she posted on Facebook: "I speak ching chong! :D :D :D" FML

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By Stung - United States

Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML

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By AloneAgainNaturally - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I found nudes on my boyfriend's phone. We've been together 14 years. They weren't of me. FML

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By a - Korea Republic of

Today, I was chatting with a friend on msn. She told me a few days ago a Halloween party we had been planning was canceled because her parents said no at the last moment. Wanting to cheer her up, I went to her house to surprise her. I guess the party wasn't canceled after all. FML

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By dickofbrokendreams - United States - Waynesville

Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2021 02:01 - United States - Orlando

Covidiots

Today, I found out my roommate was exposed to COVID back on New Year's. She tested positive on the 4th and was scared too tell me because she, "didn't want me to see her as irresponsible." Now I can't work for 2 weeks and need to find a place to stay because my roommate still doesn't think it's "that serious." FML

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By Casey - France

Today, I took a test as part of a job requirement. I took a sip from a bottle of juice, and the lady leading the test gave me a warning. I tried to explain that if I didn't, I would faint. She took the bottle and hid it. 15 minutes later I collapsed. She thought I was faking. I'm hypoglycemic. FML

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By kenabrookee - United States - Northridge

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

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By NewTenant - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By dracer - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years who I helped through drug rehab and find employment in my office left me for someone else. His explanation was that now that his "head is not clouded with chemicals" and he "makes decent money", he wants to settle down with someone worthy of him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, life gave me lemons, delivering them straight to my nuts via my neighbor's tennis ball shooter. FML

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By RKD - United States - Panama City

Dodged a bullet, TBH

Today, my girlfriend, whom I thought I would marry, broke up with me. She broke up with me because I don't believe the government controls the weather. Um, what? FML

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By Anonymous

TFI Friday

Today, I started a new job. The hours are long, but I didn't mind as I could REALLY use the overtime. Turns out, they don't pay over time. I'm just expected to go "above and beyond for the company." FML

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By botheredgf - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend drunkenly decided to let his friends cut his hair into a mullet. He won't change it. I'm supposed to introduce him to my family. FML

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By LonelyBoy - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

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By frankie - Canada

Today, I had a date with a girl. After movies and dinner we came back to my place. I had to go to the washroom BADLY. I took a BIG #2 and when I went to flush the toilet to my horror it didn't flush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling my friend about how my boyfriend never does anything nice for me. Confused, she replied, "That's odd, he's always doing nice things for me." FML

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By Notadrugdealer

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice...

Today, I was just browsing Facebook when my friend sent me a GoFundMe link. Someone wrote a page saying I killed myself and that we need money for funeral services. People are actually donating to it. FML

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By Innocence - United States - Amelia

Today, my husband fell asleep while cuddling. I didn't want to wake him, so I lay there for ages, trying to fall asleep. Just as I finally dozed off, my leg uncontrollably jerked and hit him in the nuts. He's convinced I did it deliberately as revenge for an argument we had 5 days ago. FML

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By SunBed - 11/5/2020 17:00

Soaked

Today, I came home to my bed and most of my room soaking wet. This morning, my mom thought it would be "smart" to warm up my room by opening the skylight above my bed. There were heavy showers all day today. FML

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Top comments

By whatarethisss | 22

#6557727 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:15

Next time, don't forget to pee around your fridge to mark your territory.

By kenyrabit | 25

#6557736 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:17

Never heard of the Dutch-fridge before! :D

COMMENTS

By ThuNDeY | 23

#6557726 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:14

Rip in peace

Reply

GeorgeCarter95 | 16

#6557806 - Sunday 13 March 2016 1:31

Rest in peace in peace?

Reply

icekingz | 7

#6557840 - Sunday 13 March 2016 3:06

It's a meme

Reply

SumDonkus | 6

#6558032 - Sunday 13 March 2016 10:10

"it's a meme you dip"

Reply

ADOG2645 | 17

#6558532 - Monday 14 March 2016 3:24

Rip in pepperonies

By whatarethisss | 22

#6557727 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:15

Next time, don't forget to pee around your fridge to mark your territory.

Reply

firefighter925 | 18

#6557893 - Sunday 13 March 2016 5:04

That's a good idea, I'm gonna go pee on my girlfriend

Reply

whatarethisss | 22

#6557935 - Sunday 13 March 2016 6:04

Kinky! Lmao.

Reply

isuckwithnames | 22

#6558062 - Sunday 13 March 2016 12:14

R. Kelly?

By HoboMeth | 32

#6557732 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:16

kick him out

By TheClassicMan848 | 11

#6557735 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:17

You're dad is either really funny, or an absolute asshole

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#6557839 - Sunday 13 March 2016 3:02

I'm going to go with asshole, just because that's NASTY!

Reply

isuckwithnames | 22

#6558069 - Sunday 13 March 2016 12:21

Why? We can assume that he's wearing pants and underwear, since the wording of the post implies OP lives away from their parents and that is the social norm for developed countries. The fart would have to penetrate the underwear and pants so nothing is getting in there.

By kenyrabit | 25

#6557736 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:17

Never heard of the Dutch-fridge before! :D

By WCARlover | 34

#6557737 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:17

Well if you were planning on having beans for dinner he's just taking out the middleman

By Scarylizard1798 | 23

#6557743 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:21

Dad jokes gone too far

By JpTheGreat23 | 19

#6557745 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:23

Delicious

By FelicityWishes | 32

#6557758 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:34

Free dinner :D

By weatherxveins | 29

#6557765 - Sunday 13 March 2016 0:40

How considerate of him to provide for his family.