Today, after leaving my workplace, I realized that I forgot some important work papers. When I went back to get them, I was faced with the sight of my boss and a coworker getting it on against my desk. FML
Today, I was tanning nude in my backyard, when I took a picture of our dog lying in the grass and sent it to my dad. It was only after I looked at the picture indoors that I realized my nipple had made it into the picture too. FML
Today, my friends hired a male stripper to give me a lap dance for my birthday. It was all pretty nice until he let rip one of the most nauseating farts I've ever encountered, right in my face. Hours later, I can still smell it. FML
Today, I finally gave in to my long-distance boyfriend's requests and texted him dirty things. Any time I would send him something, he would reply, "What?" or "What do you mean?" Either I'm not doing this right, or I'm in a relationship with the most innocent person ever. FML
Today, my mother took me to go and see my grandfather, who I hadn't seen since I was 4. The first thing he said to me was, "Pfwoarr, look at those tits." FML
Today, my boyfriend asked why I never let him go down on me. I told him that it doesn't do much for me, even though it really does. I didn't have the courage to tell him that it's because he acts like a rabid dog when he does. FML
tayymeds tells us more.
So yes, I agree that I completely deserve it because I won't be blunt with him. I just don't want him to get insecure about it, like he has with other intimate things. I drop hints by not showing response when he starts to act like I'm a chew toy, but it doesn't work. I have however, brought up the idea of watching movies with him, he's agreed to it, so maybe I'll lightly drop the bomb there.... But all in all, he's a great man and an exceptional lover--just not with that one bit of foreplay. Thanks for the laughs and opinions!
Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She'd walked in on me jerking off, which she said is exactly the same as cheating on her. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML
Today, I spent my first night at my boyfriend's place, and my first night sleeping beside him. I woke up in the early hours to him holding me and muttering in his sleep something like "surprise fisting". I'm beyond terrified. FML
Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML
Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML
Today, I was playing an intense game of Flappy Bird. I was so excited at being about to beat my high score that I got a hard-on. FML
Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML
Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Devastated, I told my dad about it, hoping he'd help cheer me up. His advice was, "Just rub one out son, you'll feel better in no time." Thanks dad. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML
Today, I woke up with a strange and itchy feeling in my anus. When I told my boyfriend about it, he started laughing. I still don't know what he did. FML
Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML
Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML
Today, the rash on my thigh started itching again. I felt good after a vigorous scratch, but the relief did not extend to my roommate, who only saw me at my laptop with my hand moving up and down in my pants. FML
Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML
Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML
Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML
Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML
Today, I opened up a Snapchat from my best friend. I received a full and detailed view of her and her boyfriend having sex. All I wanted to know was how her Valentine's Day dinner went. FML
Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a hickey on my breast. To be fair I decided to give him a hickey on his chest. He was so worried about catching shit from the guys on his swim team that he dislocated my jaw trying to get me off him. FML
aireeahna tells us more.
aireeahna 23
i didnt have an account at the time this was posted but anyway..we were rough housing and he was sorry afterwards. I have a lose jaw from a prior accident so it pops out of place fairly easy so it wasnt a big deal. We didnt break up for those of you who suggested that we should have..everything is fine now thanks
Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML
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