Intimacy: Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some...

By fucking hell my eyes burn - Germany

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

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Intimacy

Mother of the year

Great question

Family issues

By Iguana - Canada - Oromocto

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

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By SignificantShrinkage

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I realized that I'm so lonely I can no longer whack off without bursting into tears and crying like a little bitch. FML

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By me - United States

Today, while in my drama class, my character in a play has to quickly jump up out from his desk. Somehow, my shirt got caught on the desk, ripping it almost completely off in front of a live audience. FML

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By anon - Canada

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was in a public restroom when someone took the toilet next to mine. Moments later, a used tampon rolls into my cubicle followed by an "Oops!" A creeping hand then promptly reached under to retrieve it. Both her hand and the tampon touched my bare toes. FML

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By Party Pooper - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a 'Good Morning' text from my boyfriend. Since I hadn't gotten one of those in a while, I thought it was rather nice. That is, until I saw the picture that accompanied it. It was of him, sitting on the toilet and taking a shit. FML

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By fmlifer - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

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By ElephantLover - United States - San Diego

Today, my grandma added to my elephant collection by giving me some underwear with elephant ears on the hips, and a long, sock-like nose. She has no idea they're meant for a guy. FML

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By :( - United States - Parker

Today, I was at a swim meet, swimming as hard as I'd ever swum before. During the last lap I saw no one in the lanes next to me. Thinking I was first, I became extremely excited. When I came to the wall, I realized the reason no one else was around: They already finished the race. I was last. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, my boss asked me if he could pay me in gum. Thinking he was playing around, I agreed. He wasn't playing around. FML

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By owew

Today, I don't know anyone in the city where I just moved. I felt really lonely so I picked up my cat to try and cuddle with her. She freaked out and ripped my face apart. She ran then away to go play with the cats outside. Even my cat has more friends than me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was playing a game on my phone, an unknown number sent me a nude picture and the words "Miss you, baby." This person's mistake just cost me a black eye, and probably my relationship too. FML

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By MirandaJones - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML

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By NoBabies - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

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By LockandKey - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By OytoBeAfather - United States - Nesconset

Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML

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By MessyMal - United States

Today, my 25 year old brother ran into my room very excited at 8am. "Wake up! We got a new puppy!" he told me. I was so excited so I jumped out of my warm bed. When I asked him if he was serious he said "No, but we have to go to church, so get dressed." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

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By smellsofeggs - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a playful fight with my brother. I made the point that our dog likes me better than him. To this, my dog jumped onto the sofa, turned to me and vomited on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

I heard that

Today, I organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens. I packed lunch and paid for the tickets. He decided to bring a friend, who doesn't speak English. The only thing that he said that I understood was that, "Your girlfriend eats a lot." FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my car is being repaired, so I had to catch a bus to work. When the bus came, the driver pulled toward the curb and gunned it through a large puddle of water, then pulled away and continued down the road, leaving me soaking wet. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2020 11:01 - Slovakia - Senec

Whackjobs 'R Us

Today, I realised that 3/4 of my family are prone to believe conspiracies and are anti-Covid freaks. I want to keep our relationships, but every discussion ends in an argument about some conspiracy they believe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my husband still hadn't gotten me anything for Christmas, so I bought and wrapped my own presents. Then I had my husband write 'to me, from him' on them so that I won't be embarrassed in front of my family on Christmas when it comes time to open presents. FML

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By motherlover - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

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By apparentfatty - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

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By Noalixah - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

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By calcstudent101 - 25/2/2021 11:03 - United States

"Destroy me completely, then throw me away"

Today, I was just beginning a calculus exam when my brain thought it was a good time to get stuck on the song "Close Every Door" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Now that the exam is over, I'm afraid that I can foresee the future through song. FML

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539

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By LonelyBoy - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to go to the dentist to get 11 cavities filled. I took a wrong turn and ended up being 10 minutes late. My dentist told I had to reschedule because of his "10 minute policy." I have to wait 14 days now to get my cavities filled. FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

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By youaresodumb - United States

Routine

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I finished too quickly and apologized. She said she was used to it by now. FML

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By "Boyufd"

Today, I almost got arrested. The cops put me in handcuffs without searching me first and told me that I "matched" the description of a package thief. Turns out, I didn't even closely fit the description of the suspect. FML

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By 123literateABC - United States - Grand Haven

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

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By Neveragain - United States - Tampa

Today, while at work, a creepy guy blatantly stared at my chest for a good 40 seconds. Finally snapping out of his trance, he said with a wink, "You forgot your name tag." He was right. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from work when I saw the woman in the car in front of me throw something out the window. Only when it landed on my windshield did I realize what it was. A bloody tampon. FML

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Top comments

By jamalamadingdong | 18

#5954520 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Hey, you got to enjoy the sun and the moon all at the same time!

By mattjamt | 16

#5954516 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Goooooooooodd morning neighbor!

COMMENTS

By noobienick | 19

#5954515 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Were they doing doggie position?

PewDiePie_Lover | 14

#5954540 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:28

I don't recall op mentioning there was two people.

toaster123 | 11

#5954555 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:33

i think #1 was referring to yoga asanas... but still a very bad attempt.

PewDiePie_Lover | 14

#5954562 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:34

11, youre probably right. :T

fortune789 | 17

#5954565 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:36

Let's hope he just stuck to the plank after be was spotted.

khaoticpanda | 28

#5954623 - Saturday 24 May 2014 6:19

Downward facing dog

TheAbstract | 15

#5954763 - Saturday 24 May 2014 10:23

This thread fell apart before it even got started.

sweetbliss3 | 37

#5954829 - Saturday 24 May 2014 14:15

doggie position? you mean downward dog? on another note, people do their yoga differently and he, too, probably wanted some sunshine.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5956383 - Monday 26 May 2014 4:12

I hope it wasn't Mr. Rogers...

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5958897 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 19:07

Justin Bieber, clueless as ever.

popprock | 13

#5979350 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 7:27

You dear sir, have a perverted mind.

By mattjamt | 16

#5954516 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Goooooooooodd morning neighbor!

Kamon97 | 23

#5954718 - Saturday 24 May 2014 8:28

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

warsun | 27

#5954785 - Saturday 24 May 2014 11:28

Really? I was kinda thinking of the lyrics that go
The earth says hello!
Right after #2's comment :3

mattjamt | 16

#5954873 - Saturday 24 May 2014 15:15

#39 - I was imagining it in more of a "Gooood morning San Diego!" anchorman type voice, but to each their own. :)

Brandi_Faith | 33

#5954997 - Saturday 24 May 2014 17:20

I heard it in Flanders' voice

grapefruit_hd | 7

#5955308 - Saturday 24 May 2014 23:54

I was thinking of the go dady comercial and their were all these body builders with their shirt of running towards a stire

By jeezburger12 | 10

#5954517 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Oh dear God...

iOceanus | 18

#5954568 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:37

Are you writing a letter to God?

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#5955040 - Saturday 24 May 2014 18:24

Asking for eye bleach.

By AshaaFerreira | 22

#5954518 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Now that's a sight I wish anyone could un see. I'm scared just by you describing it.

chickenfeet223 | 11

#5954615 - Saturday 24 May 2014 6:12

No one wanna see that

By jamalamadingdong | 18

#5954520 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Hey, you got to enjoy the sun and the moon all at the same time!

annunaki_fml | 10

#5956382 - Monday 26 May 2014 4:12

hehe clever cookie you are.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#5954524 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Oy! Nasty!

By Dthsapprntc | 23

#5954531 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:26

Brain bleech. Brain bleach! We need some brain bleech over here! Now! Immediately! Yesterday even!

mikbrooke | 25

#5954685 - Saturday 24 May 2014 7:28

im wondering how you managed to get from spelling bleach wrong, to right, to wrong again.

TheAbstract | 15

#5954764 - Saturday 24 May 2014 10:25

I honestly didn't even read "bleach." All I got was "blech." Like when you express discuss in something. I was so terribly confused through that entire comment.