Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some...

By fucking hell my eyes burn - 23/5/2014 22:46 - Germany

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

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Intimacy

Dad jokes, part 43884

Call CPS!

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - 29/4/2016 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

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By moosemay - 2/4/2013 15:04 - Germany - W?rzburg

Today, suffering from severe morning sickness followed by cravings for salty food, I had stacked our fridge with yummy snacks. When finally emerging from our bathroom after retching this morning, I found out my husband had eaten all my snacks the night before. FML

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By Alice - 1/8/2009 08:15 - United States

Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 01:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

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By xXMudkipNoobXx - 13/1/2012 01:20 - United States

Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML

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By 20month dry spell - 27/9/2018 03:00

Today, my girlfriend thinks I'm sex-obsessed because of the number of times I've asked for it. I've asked exactly 3 times this year, one of which was on my birthday. She said no all 3 times. I'm usually too scared of her temper to even try. FML

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By foojew93 - 9/8/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, I was walking at a section of the zoo where you are in the cage, and the monkeys are climbing outside of the cage. I was having a great time until I looked up and one of the monkeys urinated all over my face. Not only did everyone see, but there was no way for me to shower for six hours. FML

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By alltimelove - 18/11/2010 15:34

Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that he needed some time alone for a few weeks. This break just so happens to include our one year anniversary, Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Now I get to spend the next three weeks alone. FML

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By Reena - 19/8/2011 06:38 - Canada

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

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By Concussed - 17/1/2010 06:22 - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

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By fmynote - 27/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian. FML

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By anon - 9/11/2016 20:54 - United States - Laurel

Today, my boyfriend sent me an article about how smelling farts can reduce dementia then added, "You're welcome." FML

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By Username - 30/4/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I was cruising with a coworker and his friend, and I started getting tired. His friend offered me a caffeine pill. It wasn't caffeine. It was laxatives. FML

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By deeenalynn - 18/7/2011 16:22 - Canada

Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:37 - United States - Conover

Today, a woman at work was complaining about her weight. She looked pretty thin, so to make her feel better, I said that she looked small. She said "Well, you haven't seen me naked." For some reason, I replied, "Not that you know of." FML

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By raebay - 5/11/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

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By tawan - 4/12/2009 16:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

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By ktwithaq - 18/10/2010 11:27 - United States

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

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By reddd - 10/5/2012 06:44 - United States

Today, I purposely wore a red shirt to Target just so people would talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 14:26

Today, I woke up to my husband's face. That'd be nice if he hadn't turned his eyelids inside out, waiting to scare me. I was scared alright. So scared that I pissed myself and broke my side table falling out of bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML

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By hatecolin - 10/9/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

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By greg - 14/2/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sued me for whiplash in a car accident that was her fault. She screamed to stop so I slammed on the brakes and the car behind ran into us. It wasn't an emergency; she just thought she saw her friend at the bus stop. It wasn't even her. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 06:00

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. He then told me that he will love me forever, wait for me and will follow me to the ends of the earth. Apparently, that means standing outside my door and calling my house phone every five minutes. It's been 3 hours straight now. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2015 16:58 - United Kingdom - Exminster

Today, after assuming I'd been scammed, I finally found the vibrator I ordered over 2 months ago. It was in my mom's bedside cabinet. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 04:16 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

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By fudgydiaper22 - 30/1/2011 00:28 - United States

Today, my dad attempted to fix a power outlet. He managed to shock himself with 120 volts and fall backwards, landing on top of me. I am 85 pounds and he weighs 290 pounds. FML

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By GeeThanksMom - 25/2/2018 15:00

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

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By why me? - 6/9/2014 04:25 - United States - Tulsa

Today, my roommate decided that because she has an oral report due, she's going to scream at the top of her lungs until she loses her voice to get out of it. It's been two hours and she refuses to stop. FML

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By Bear - 10/7/2017 04:30

Today, while picking up my 14-year-old sister, a friend of hers ask if I was her mother. I'm only 17. FML

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By jamalinho - 11/5/2011 17:51 - Bangladesh

Today, I worked 12 long hours cooped up in my office. Before leaving, my boss asked me whether I'll ever take my job seriously. FML

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By Mary - 4/12/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was packing for his annual hunting trip, I saw him slip a box of condoms into his bag. FML

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By uncomfortable - 12/3/2009 00:20 - Canada

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

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By anon - 27/3/2013 23:17 - Netherlands - Swalmen

Today, I showed my aunt and mother my tattoo. They both burst out laughing. FML

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By Christoams - 12/1/2009 04:35 - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By gymgirl - 5/5/2011 13:47 - Hong Kong

Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, Chocolate and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML

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Top comments

By jamalamadingdong | 18

#5954520 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Hey, you got to enjoy the sun and the moon all at the same time!

By mattjamt | 16

#5954516 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Goooooooooodd morning neighbor!

Comments

By noobienick | 19

#5954515 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Were they doing doggie position?

PewDiePie_Lover | 14

#5954540 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:28

I don't recall op mentioning there was two people.

toaster123 | 11

#5954555 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:33

i think #1 was referring to yoga asanas... but still a very bad attempt.

PewDiePie_Lover | 14

#5954562 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:34

11, youre probably right. :T

fortune789 | 17

#5954565 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:36

Let's hope he just stuck to the plank after be was spotted.

khaoticpanda | 28

#5954623 - Saturday 24 May 2014 6:19

Downward facing dog

TheAbstract | 14

#5954763 - Saturday 24 May 2014 10:23

This thread fell apart before it even got started.

sweetbliss3 | 37

#5954829 - Saturday 24 May 2014 14:15

doggie position? you mean downward dog? on another note, people do their yoga differently and he, too, probably wanted some sunshine.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5956383 - Monday 26 May 2014 4:12

I hope it wasn't Mr. Rogers...

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5958897 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 19:07

Justin Bieber, clueless as ever.

popprock | 13

#5979350 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 7:27

You dear sir, have a perverted mind.

By mattjamt | 16

#5954516 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Goooooooooodd morning neighbor!

Kamon97 | 23

#5954718 - Saturday 24 May 2014 8:28

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

warsun | 27

#5954785 - Saturday 24 May 2014 11:28

Really? I was kinda thinking of the lyrics that go
The earth says hello!
Right after #2's comment :3

mattjamt | 16

#5954873 - Saturday 24 May 2014 15:15

#39 - I was imagining it in more of a "Gooood morning San Diego!" anchorman type voice, but to each their own. :)

Brandi_Faith | 33

#5954997 - Saturday 24 May 2014 17:20

I heard it in Flanders' voice

grapefruit_hd | 7

#5955308 - Saturday 24 May 2014 23:54

I was thinking of the go dady comercial and their were all these body builders with their shirt of running towards a stire

By jeezburger12 | 10

#5954517 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Oh dear God...

iOceanus | 18

#5954568 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:37

Are you writing a letter to God?

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#5955040 - Saturday 24 May 2014 18:24

Asking for eye bleach.

By AshaaFerreira | 22

#5954518 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Now that's a sight I wish anyone could un see. I'm scared just by you describing it.

chickenfeet223 | 11

#5954615 - Saturday 24 May 2014 6:12

No one wanna see that

By jamalamadingdong | 18

#5954520 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Hey, you got to enjoy the sun and the moon all at the same time!

annunaki_fml | 10

#5956382 - Monday 26 May 2014 4:12

hehe clever cookie you are.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#5954524 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Oy! Nasty!

By Dthsapprntc | 23

#5954531 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:26

Brain bleech. Brain bleach! We need some brain bleech over here! Now! Immediately! Yesterday even!

mikbrooke | 25

#5954685 - Saturday 24 May 2014 7:28

im wondering how you managed to get from spelling bleach wrong, to right, to wrong again.

TheAbstract | 14

#5954764 - Saturday 24 May 2014 10:25

I honestly didn't even read "bleach." All I got was "blech." Like when you express discuss in something. I was so terribly confused through that entire comment.