Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some...

By fucking hell my eyes burn - 23/5/2014 22:46 - Germany

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

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Intimacy

Breaking Badly

Lockdown is driving us down

Non-baby fever

By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, I got stopped at the bank by security for carrying a weapon and threatened to call the police. I had to prove my “metal stick” was not a weapon. I am partially paralyzed in one of my feet and have to walk with a cane. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 00:36 - Austria

Today, my bag, including phone, money, keys and cards, was stolen. In a church. During my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 05:06

Uninvolved

Today, I woke up to the only home I've ever known in 32 years being burned to ash by a wildfire with everything we own inside, barely getting me and my dogs out alive. My boyfriend of 3 years promised me we would work through this together, no matter what it took, only to completely ghost me a few hours later. FML

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By low_expectations - 19/8/2020 02:04

Zoom call from hell

Today, I was yelled at by my mom for not communicating to the rest of my family about the zoom call SHE planned and asked for. The call was to celebrate my birthday. Apparently, it was my responsibility to coordinate it. FML

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By Magilla - 16/2/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

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By Omar Khalaf - 28/9/2017 01:30

Wham!

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

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By a_boring_snuffkin - 16/5/2020 02:00

Honestly?

Today, my friend needed to talk out bad feelings. Then she urged me to open up as well. I hate doing it, but it only seemed fair, so I confessed my deep insecurities. Not only did she agree with everything, but she also helpfully added that I'm boring, have no life and all my dreams are unattainable. FML

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By jerk - 24/6/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, my friend decided to come clean to his parents about his pot usage. He told them that he did it with me on many occasions. His parents decided it would be the right thing to call my parents. Thanks a lot asshole. FML

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By spoiled22 - 12/10/2011 07:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to change the batteries of my automatic room freshener. As I held it to my face to figure out where the batteries went, it started spraying on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

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By thejbarrick50 - 21/5/2012 02:29 - United States - Bergen

Today, I decided to save a few bucks and let my mother cut my hair. I then had to wait in the hospital for attention due to the fact that she cut the tip of my ear off. FML

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By ModernCindy - 30/11/2015 16:07 - United Kingdom - Cleveleys

Today, I felt like Cinderella. No, I didn't lose a shoe in public. Nor did I dance with Prince Charming. But I did get a visit from tiny wild mice in my home. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2018 20:00

Today as I was waiting at the gynecologist I texted my husband to see if birth control pills were covered on our insurance...yep texted my boss instead who I had been asking about a raise..don’t think I’ll be getting that raise... FML

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By razzipost1 - 5/10/2009 05:28 - Canada

Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML

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By brannonjames - 10/5/2012 22:20 - United States

Today, I was getting coffee with my aunt, and she asked me to pay. She then turned to the Barista and said, "He's never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to show him that they take your money." The Barista laughed so hard she had to excuse herself. FML

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By sopathetic - 26/2/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2014 02:04 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone interview with a company. Excited, I prepared for the interview and conducted extensive research on the company. The interview ended within a minute. They'd got the wrong person. FML

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By Lilly - 30/10/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, my husband and I found out that our dog was pregnant. He now refuses to have kids with me for at least two years, because he wants to raise the puppies without any "distractions". FML

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By PunctureWound - 10/10/2010 00:57 - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - 13/4/2016 01:45 - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 04:01 - United States

Today, I was looking at the annoucements in the newspaper and find out that my boyfriend of the past 6 years is supposed to be married in 2 days to what I thought was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By shinoza - 13/2/2009 15:02 - Malaysia

Today, for the first time in months, I got a call from a beautiful girl asking me what I was doing tonight. Then my battery died. FML

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By why yes, I do mean "ex-boyfriend" - 17/8/2013 22:40 - Netherlands - Oosterwolde

Today, I got sent home early because a large fire broke out at work. I was greeted by the sight of my cocktard of a "boyfriend" making out on my sofa with another woman. He actually had the audacity and brass balls to claim he thought she was me. FML

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By Whoops - 28/1/2010 20:21 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

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By lloydLO - 24/10/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I met and asked a cute girl out on a date. We decided to meet at a fancy restaurant downtown. When I got there I saw her sitting with what turned out to be her parents. They made a huge scene, calling me a pedophile and a low-life. Apparently, the girl was 16 years old. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 23:01 - United States - San Jose

Looks like we made it… Oh.

Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2012 10:35 - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

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By whatproject - 24/9/2009 09:50 - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 16:27 - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

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By skidmark - 8/12/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

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By KaityK - 19/4/2016 19:15 - United States

Today, I let my little sister play a game using my Facebook account. She then accepted all of the people that had sent me a friend request. Among them included my boyfriend's crazy ex, and 3 people I've never met. Now I'm getting strange messages from all of them. FML

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By DogDays - 31/3/2017 14:00

Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 09:00 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

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By fuckered519 - 6/12/2014 19:53 - United States - Du Quoin

Today, being useless at thinking of gifts, I asked my boyfriend what he wants for Christmas. I said it could be anything that I could afford. He looked me in the eye and said very seriously: "Anal." FML

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By grrr1234 - 1/7/2012 16:00

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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By Andrea Trevor - 30/4/2018 01:30

Today, I woke up at 5am to my dog jumping off of my bed. No big deal. I rolled over to the other side of the bed to fall back asleep and my face landed right in a puddle of his pee. I tasted it. FML

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By ifaisal - 26/2/2010 03:05 - Qatar

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

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By Anto - 3/12/2008 06:11 - France

Today, in front of a hospital, I noticed that an old lady was having trouble lighting her cigarette because she had Parkison's. So I went to help her to light it up and she then started chatting with me and told me she had lung cancer. FML

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Top comments

By jamalamadingdong | 18

#5954520 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Hey, you got to enjoy the sun and the moon all at the same time!

By mattjamt | 16

#5954516 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Goooooooooodd morning neighbor!

COMMENTS

By noobienick | 19

#5954515 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Were they doing doggie position?

PewDiePie_Lover | 14

#5954540 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:28

I don't recall op mentioning there was two people.

toaster123 | 11

#5954555 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:33

i think #1 was referring to yoga asanas... but still a very bad attempt.

PewDiePie_Lover | 14

#5954562 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:34

11, youre probably right. :T

fortune789 | 17

#5954565 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:36

Let's hope he just stuck to the plank after be was spotted.

khaoticpanda | 28

#5954623 - Saturday 24 May 2014 6:19

Downward facing dog

TheAbstract | 15

#5954763 - Saturday 24 May 2014 10:23

This thread fell apart before it even got started.

sweetbliss3 | 37

#5954829 - Saturday 24 May 2014 14:15

doggie position? you mean downward dog? on another note, people do their yoga differently and he, too, probably wanted some sunshine.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5956383 - Monday 26 May 2014 4:12

I hope it wasn't Mr. Rogers...

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5958897 - Wednesday 28 May 2014 19:07

Justin Bieber, clueless as ever.

popprock | 13

#5979350 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 7:27

You dear sir, have a perverted mind.

By mattjamt | 16

#5954516 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Goooooooooodd morning neighbor!

Kamon97 | 23

#5954718 - Saturday 24 May 2014 8:28

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor,
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?

warsun | 27

#5954785 - Saturday 24 May 2014 11:28

Really? I was kinda thinking of the lyrics that go
The earth says hello!
Right after #2's comment :3

mattjamt | 16

#5954873 - Saturday 24 May 2014 15:15

#39 - I was imagining it in more of a "Gooood morning San Diego!" anchorman type voice, but to each their own. :)

Brandi_Faith | 33

#5954997 - Saturday 24 May 2014 17:20

I heard it in Flanders' voice

grapefruit_hd | 7

#5955308 - Saturday 24 May 2014 23:54

I was thinking of the go dady comercial and their were all these body builders with their shirt of running towards a stire

By jeezburger12 | 10

#5954517 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Oh dear God...

iOceanus | 18

#5954568 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:37

Are you writing a letter to God?

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#5955040 - Saturday 24 May 2014 18:24

Asking for eye bleach.

By AshaaFerreira | 22

#5954518 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Now that's a sight I wish anyone could un see. I'm scared just by you describing it.

chickenfeet223 | 11

#5954615 - Saturday 24 May 2014 6:12

No one wanna see that

By jamalamadingdong | 18

#5954520 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Hey, you got to enjoy the sun and the moon all at the same time!

annunaki_fml | 10

#5956382 - Monday 26 May 2014 4:12

hehe clever cookie you are.

By ColonelCusswords | 24

#5954524 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Oy! Nasty!

By Dthsapprntc | 23

#5954531 - Saturday 24 May 2014 5:26

Brain bleech. Brain bleach! We need some brain bleech over here! Now! Immediately! Yesterday even!

mikbrooke | 25

#5954685 - Saturday 24 May 2014 7:28

im wondering how you managed to get from spelling bleach wrong, to right, to wrong again.

TheAbstract | 15

#5954764 - Saturday 24 May 2014 10:25

I honestly didn't even read "bleach." All I got was "blech." Like when you express discuss in something. I was so terribly confused through that entire comment.