Intimacy: Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 434

You deserved it 69

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 36

23/05/2014 22:46

Spicy

Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 231

You deserved it 5 964

Triage

Batman

Stop talking!

04/06/2011 09:36

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 125 626

02/05/2012 02:27

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 604

You deserved it 32 747

Leave it

By caleighrossi - 16/06/2014 00:21

Today, I was working my shift at our local nursing home. I was assisting a "sweet", "innocent" 100-year-old lady, and she had a bunch of used tissues balled up in her lap, so I offered to dispose of them in the waste-basket. She told me that if I touched them, she would kill everything I love. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 551

You deserved it 5 366

06/08/2009 20:01

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 315

You deserved it 4 573

10/04/2012 02:33

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 283

You deserved it 2 938

25/08/2011 22:57

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 080

You deserved it 41 743

14/06/2019 06:24

Today, my coworker, who is constantly singing "Baby Shark," wanted to take selfie for her Instagram account. She moved all the junk from her desk to mine, so her desk would look great in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 690

You deserved it 204

20/06/2009 17:09

Today, was my high school's senior awards ceremony. Over 400 people were crammed in the hot auditorium. I won five awards and each time I was called up the laughter grew louder. Apparently even the back row could see my pit stains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 543

You deserved it 5 340

30/07/2019 14:00

Today, my daughter was acting strange. When she wasn’t muttering in some strange language, she was talking about invisible people coming to get me. Terrified, I called my boyfriend. Turns out he taught her that as a prank. He knows I’m afraid of anything supernatural. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569

You deserved it 581

17/07/2012 21:11

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 012

You deserved it 3 802

04/08/2016 21:32

Spicy

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 805

You deserved it 5 279

11/05/2014 17:57

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I loved him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 297

You deserved it 5 462

24/10/2017 01:30

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 240

You deserved it 274

10/07/2009 23:18

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 101

You deserved it 72 921

15/08/2010 12:52

Today, I found out that my overprotective parents hired a private investigator a month ago, who since then has been watching my perfectly normal boyfriend, in case he "tries to rape or kill" me. We're both 25 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 226

You deserved it 2 883

25/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 460

You deserved it 359

17/03/2018 19:00

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 721

You deserved it 380

09/03/2016 19:30

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 279

You deserved it 6 586

21/06/2014 02:48

Spicy

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 623

You deserved it 16 289

11/04/2011 17:36

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 648

You deserved it 4 847

02/05/2011 14:30

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 022

You deserved it 46 011

05/07/2010 23:22

Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 547

You deserved it 4 347

26/09/2009 16:43

Today, it is my three-year-anniversary with my boyfriend. I asked if he had planned anything for us, and he said yes. My parents volunteered to watch our daughter, I got all excited, and apparently our "plans" are to watch a football game. What do I get to do? Make sandwiches. For him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 754

You deserved it 8 527

04/11/2010 23:28

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 229

You deserved it 8 499

29/05/2010 13:16

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 929

You deserved it 6 522

01/01/2019 11:00

Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 718

You deserved it 177

08/05/2015 12:46

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 511

You deserved it 2 130

13/12/2009 05:19

Spicy

Today, I let my boyfriend finger me for the first time. Today, I also learned, after fifteen very, very long minutes of it, how to fake an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 471

You deserved it 6 307

14/03/2011 06:53

Today, my ex-girlfriend moved out. I came back to a sparsely furnished home, she even took the shower head, my beard trimmer, and the soap from the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 016

You deserved it 5 636

01/12/2010 08:35

Today, I tried to fix my laptop charger by fiddling around with it using metal tweezers. Not only did I forget to unplug the cord and shocked myself, I also ended up breaking the charger completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 880

You deserved it 50 915

27/09/2012 15:46

Today, I was on a plane returning to University, and I decided to shut my eyes. I opened them about 45 minutes later just as the plane landed to find I couldn't move at all. I was in sleep paralysis. The air hostesses had to lift me out of my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 225

You deserved it 2 280

Pet Store Madness

By I Heart My Cats and Dogs - 16/09/2019 22:01

Today, I was filling out an application for a job at a local pet store. At the end of it, they wanted a paragraph about any pets I had. After a while, I found myself finishing a 3-page essay about them. That's the longest essay I've ever written. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 214

You deserved it 477

14/02/2012 02:55

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 181

You deserved it 41 887

Next

By Anonymous - 25/05/2021 00:01

Today, I took a girl out on a date. We had dinner, we had good conversation, the vibe was excellent, and everything was great. I took her to a bar I frequent after for a couple of drinks to finish the night. She left with some other dude on his motorcycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 041

You deserved it 94

14/03/2009 19:28

Today, I learned that the surprise party thrown for my girlfriend's 19th birthday was wonderful and she couldn't be happier. Except that I didn't show up. Apparently 40 people were invited but I wasn't one of them. We've been going out for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 317

You deserved it 4 036

16/12/2013 04:47

Today, I was at a Christmas party when I noticed someone had taken all of the cash I had from out of my wallet. It was a family gathering. I'm related to the culprit but have no idea who it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 417

You deserved it 3 207

25/03/2015 19:40

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 555

You deserved it 4 864

24/03/2009 02:48

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 897

You deserved it 11 117

23/12/2011 21:02

Today, my family and I went over to our new neighbors' house, to sing a carol and say hello. The only response we got was a door slammed in our faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 462

You deserved it 31 900

Great tip, thanks

By Anonymous - 11/07/2013 07:10

Today, my therapist told me to write any negative thoughts that I had on a piece of paper and then set fire to it. When I lit it in the trash can, huge flames broke out and I had to throw the trash can out my window to keep from setting my house on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 360

You deserved it 40 888

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Top comments

jamalamadingdong 18

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Hey, you got to enjoy the sun and the moon all at the same time!

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Goooooooooodd morning neighbor!

Comments

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Were they doing doggie position?

PewDiePie_Lover 14

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:28

I don't recall op mentioning there was two people.

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:33

i think #1 was referring to yoga asanas... but still a very bad attempt.

PewDiePie_Lover 14

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:34

11, youre probably right. :T

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:36

Let's hope he just stuck to the plank after be was spotted.

khaoticpanda 28

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Saturday 24 May 2014 6:19

Downward facing dog

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Saturday 24 May 2014 10:23

This thread fell apart before it even got started.

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Saturday 24 May 2014 14:15

doggie position? you mean downward dog? on another note, people do their yoga differently and he, too, probably wanted some sunshine.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 26 May 2014 4:12

I hope it wasn't Mr. Rogers...

VonBlitzkrieg 27

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Wednesday 28 May 2014 19:07

Justin Bieber, clueless as ever.

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Wednesday 18 June 2014 7:27

You dear sir, have a perverted mind.

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Goooooooooodd morning neighbor!

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Saturday 24 May 2014 8:28

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, A beautiful day for a neighbor, Would you be mine? Could you be mine?

warsun 27

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Saturday 24 May 2014 11:28

Really? I was kinda thinking of the lyrics that go The earth says hello! Right after #2's comment :3

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Saturday 24 May 2014 15:15

#39 - I was imagining it in more of a "Gooood morning San Diego!" anchorman type voice, but to each their own. :)

Brandi_Faith 33

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Saturday 24 May 2014 17:20

I heard it in Flanders' voice

grapefruit_hd 7

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Saturday 24 May 2014 23:54

I was thinking of the go dady comercial and their were all these body builders with their shirt of running towards a stire

jeezburger12 10

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Oh dear God...

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:37

Are you writing a letter to God?

kingdomgirl94 28

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Saturday 24 May 2014 18:24

Asking for eye bleach.

AshaaFerreira 22

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:24

Now that's a sight I wish anyone could un see. I'm scared just by you describing it.

chickenfeet223 11

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Saturday 24 May 2014 6:12

No one wanna see that

jamalamadingdong 18

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Hey, you got to enjoy the sun and the moon all at the same time!

annunaki_fml 11

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Monday 26 May 2014 4:12

hehe clever cookie you are.

ColonelCusswords 24

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:25

Oy! Nasty!

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:26

Brain bleech. Brain bleach! We need some brain bleech over here! Now! Immediately! Yesterday even!

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Saturday 24 May 2014 7:28

im wondering how you managed to get from spelling bleach wrong, to right, to wrong again.

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Saturday 24 May 2014 10:25

I honestly didn't even read "bleach." All I got was "blech." Like when you express discuss in something. I was so terribly confused through that entire comment.

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Saturday 24 May 2014 15:41

Oh dear, this is what happens when I have stayed up for 24 hours. I do apologize. I will try to restrain myself in the future.

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Sunday 25 May 2014 20:08

I'll also make sure to properly spell 'disgust' in the future.

whitetiger13131 26

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:29

oh my God that kind of made my day but yeah FYL

blondeamazonian 18

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:32

There are some things that cannot be unseen...

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Saturday 24 May 2014 5:34

I just love old people lol !! Too funny

SkyGuy32 17

Saturday 24 May 2014 18:45

I dearly hope that the event described in this FML do not demonstrate the manner in which you love old people.