Miscellaneous: Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 324

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 126

24/09/2009 19:10

Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 630

You deserved it 3 497

Mama's boy

The smell detective is on the case

Take what you can get

25/01/2009 00:27

Today, I was trying to be-friend a boy who was sitting alone. He had his gameboy nearly plastered to his eyes. I, cleverly, say to him, "Geeze don't put that thing so close, your eyes will fall out!" He took off his sunglasses, eyes going crooked, and said, "I'm legally blind." Insert foot here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 792

You deserved it 9 237

17/05/2015 19:32

Today, in bare consciousness, I found out what it feels like to be stabbed in the hand with an earring. How? By slamming my hand on the snooze button of my alarm and missing horribly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 973

You deserved it 6 526

04/10/2012 07:13

Today, my seemingly normal girlfriend decided to erase every girl's name out of my phone. Family and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 243

You deserved it 3 252

You learn something new every day

By virginkiller - 03/03/2012 13:23

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 105

You deserved it 5 669

13/06/2012 12:47

Today, I finally bought the expensive but beautifully stylish dress I've been eyeing for ages online. Ten minutes later, I went back to check the shoes the model was wearing so I could coordinate my outfit. The dress had been reduced to half price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 583

You deserved it 4 116

16/01/2011 17:38

Today, I discovered that I've lost thirty pounds since having my second child. However, I still weigh just as much as I did when I was full-term with my first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 969

You deserved it 8 580

13/05/2016 09:10

Today, at work, the shopping carts have coin locks on them so people put them back or don't go stealing them. A lady couldn't find a coin, so I unlocked one with my key and said to her, "It doesn't look like you will run off and steal it" as a joke. She replied, "I can't run darling, I have an artificial leg." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 120

You deserved it 1 985

No Ragrets

By surfergal91 - 14/02/2011 20:12

Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 625

You deserved it 4 134

28/06/2014 20:40

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 052

You deserved it 4 595

26/03/2009 17:11

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 609

You deserved it 35 227

03/02/2010 01:16

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 766

You deserved it 11 558

31/08/2019 08:01

Today, I found out that my step-daughter, who is 29, still living at home and planning her wedding 2 years from now and who I've completely supported since marrying her mother 16 years ago, wants her cousin to walk her down the aisle and not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 005

You deserved it 182

Alexa, play "Dream baby Dream" by Suicide

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 18:01

Today, I awoke from a bizarre dream where I, a man, was pregnant. If that wasn’t weird enough, when I gave birth, it was a pug puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 763

You deserved it 119

27/01/2010 20:03

Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving the heat on so it would warm up, I slipped as I was entering the car and hit my head on the door, causing it to close and lock. I'm waiting for my mom who has a spare key to come and unlock it. Class started ten minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 565

You deserved it 3 856

Transference

By KayBee - 30/01/2021 02:00

Today, my psychiatrist of 6 years suddenly and out of nowhere told me I need to see someone else. She gave me the equivalent of the "it's not you it's me' speech." Actually her assistant told me via email. I basically got broken up with by someone I was paying a lot of money to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 93

22/08/2010 06:28

Today, at work, I stopped in my boss/boyfriend's office to find him getting intimate with a girl. He then tells me that he is cheating on me, that he is dumping me, and that I am fired. Oh, and he is keeping the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 052

You deserved it 6 563

07/07/2009 11:51

Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 790

You deserved it 62 877

12/02/2012 06:17

Today, I had a debate with my girlfriend about whether giving birth or getting kicked in the balls hurts more. It ended up with her kicking me in the balls. I was the one who said giving birth hurt more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 955

You deserved it 6 456

26/06/2009 14:22

Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 709

You deserved it 11 152

12/09/2009 21:19

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 616

You deserved it 96 414

21/01/2013 17:04

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 790

You deserved it 8 290

07/07/2009 14:31

Today, I finally got a Wii Fit to try and lose some weight. I came home and set it all up, only to be told that I weigh too much to actually use it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 949

You deserved it 32 284

19/05/2009 14:04

Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 194

You deserved it 9 298

23/01/2017 12:00

Today, I took my "girlfriend" to a nice restaurant to celebrate our first month anniversary, only to find out she didn't even know we're dating, but only "friends who have sex sometimes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 796

You deserved it 1 654

Overreaction much?

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 310

05/07/2011 14:04

Today, I had to sift through hundreds of pages of legal documents. They were all written in Comic Sans font. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 813

You deserved it 4 609

03/04/2016 16:53

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 335

You deserved it 1 571

28/09/2016 13:13

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 594

You deserved it 940

25/09/2018 07:00

Today, I'm recovering from a bad motorcycle crash that could have cost me my life. A truck pulled out in front of me while going 60. Luckily I only have a broken arm and a fractured sternum. I was just notified by my attorney that the guy at fault has no insurance or assets to his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 407

You deserved it 221

22/09/2010 07:47

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 936

You deserved it 3 699

Bad omen

By KarmasPlaything - 14/08/2021 02:01

Today, I’m on vacation with my fiancé and his kids. We came to see a wedding venue. Too bad I severely sprained my ankle. I also sprained that same ankle when he proposed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 666

You deserved it 76

The bed is lava

By for better or for farts - 06/08/2020 23:01

Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 282

You deserved it 178

24/08/2009 09:57

Spicy

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend at her house. When things started heating up, I heard the front door open and my girlfriend said that it must be her Dad. She handed me my clothes, pushed me out the window, and told me to knock at the front door. Her Dad answered, holding my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 714

You deserved it 18 519

02/01/2016 02:07

Today, after much reflection, I realized my "happy childhood" was more like "the years I was oblivious to how much people despised me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 555

You deserved it 2 081

21/12/2018 04:00

Today, I was pulling in to my work parking lot gate, accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake pedal, ran through the gate arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 644

You deserved it 1 227

10/03/2009 01:16

Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 982

You deserved it 12 186

Being nice is so 1968

By Anonymous - 23/06/2017 01:00

Today, I decided to do something nice and compliment a stranger. I told a girl that I liked her skirt and that it looked good on her. She just rolled her eyes at me and said, "I'm not gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 245

You deserved it 533

08/03/2015 21:49

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 799

You deserved it 3 129

08/07/2012 03:16

Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 336

You deserved it 1 856

02/05/2016 12:27

Today, my boss admitted that he seriously regrets hiring me, but can't really do anything about it because that would make the senior management question his judgment, making him look bad. So he's just 'putting up' with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 725

You deserved it 1 275

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Top comments

I_am_stupid_also 6

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:35

Just tell her, "I know what you mean, my husband said he had to eat the dog's food behind your back when he was growing up so he didn't starve."

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:11

What a bitch >.

Comments

DeadMansCrack 4

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:10

j

DeadMansCrack 4

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:14

You should just have an "accident" involving her head in the microwave. FML's acting weird again, oh boy..

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:32

This sounds like something off of Everybody Loves Raymond

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:56

I was thinking that. How could microwaved food taste better than a chef's food?

kentt 0

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Friday 25 September 2009 0:22

YDI for having poor grammer.

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Friday 25 September 2009 2:02

Ooo true that 42! Popcorn is good stuff! I mostly eat leftovers cold cuz the microwave ruins it :/

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Friday 25 September 2009 15:14

#33, you are the biggest idiot of all time. You spelt "grammAr" wrong. Do you know what the word "irony" means?

maverick21703 0

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Friday 25 September 2009 18:41

You should have jokingly said something along the lines of "So stop feeding them when they visit you then."

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Saturday 26 September 2009 8:22

Um, "Mother and laws"??

i_heart_boobies 0

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Saturday 20 March 2010 16:07

do you? (spelt) ????

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Tuesday 1 June 2010 12:08

bitch much?

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Friday 30 July 2010 23:29

lol totally :)

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Monday 28 March 2011 5:02

chef boy rd ftw

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:11

What a bitch >.

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Friday 25 September 2009 2:08

Pffft, Mac N' Cheese, homie. Mac N' cheese.

i_heart_boobies 0

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Saturday 20 March 2010 16:08

haha toss that easy mac in there..and in minutes you have what I call dinner

22cute 17

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Sunday 15 April 2012 15:01

Maybe you should have just said, "Thank you" instead of being rude and ungrateful.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:11

Mmmmm, microwaved food.

missmontreal97 4

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Monday 27 September 2010 3:30

lol

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 18:41

Ya so much better than chef inspired freshly made food...

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:12

Well what do you expect from a mother in law? But yeah, FYL.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:53

My mother in law is absolutely wonderful, considerate, and kind. Any woman who has children that marry will end up being mothers in law. Women don't turn into horrible people just because their children get married.

aaaaa12345_fml 0

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Friday 25 September 2009 0:15

yes they do. all mothers-in-law are cold, horrible bitches.

life_sucks_bad 0

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Friday 25 September 2009 0:27

haha but some actually kind and considerate, others like you said are just cold horrible bitches....

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:13

Damn, maybe Hot Pockets would be a wise choice. Um, CostCo has them cheap, and so does Walmart. Get the Family Size. Those are great. “There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will.”

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Friday 25 September 2009 17:15

Jim Gaffigan fan?

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:15

microwave does not equal good food. seriously fail.

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Friday 25 September 2009 4:40

I agree: as an aspiring chef, nothing I make in the microwave is nearly as good as what I make by hand. /Microwave's handy in a pinch, though.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:16

:0 slap that bitch

waterynuggets 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:21

Clearly she's batshit

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:21

Agreed #1& #2!!

moonlight_daze 8

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:22

I agree with #17

Flamersplamer 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:40

i also agree with #17's original comment.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:57

WIN!!

life_sucks_bad 0

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Friday 25 September 2009 0:32

MAJOR WIN!!!

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Friday 25 September 2009 6:57

General win! Private win! Sergeant win!

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Friday 25 September 2009 7:22

I agree with #11.

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Monday 28 September 2009 9:20

You should be able to favorite comments...T_T

Flamersplamer 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:25

jackass, she was saying that because you were a jerk and tried to refuse her gift. and i agree with #12