Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me... - FML

By Spatch - 24/9/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me to say he is in San Francisco and is coming to see me. After scrambling to get ready, he calls me back to say he doesn't recognize the train station. After searching on Google Maps, it becomes clear he's drunk at Oktoberfest. In Germany. FML

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Gas giant

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 21:22

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

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By SorryUncleTommy - 1/10/2012 04:23 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 20:00

The Graduate

Today, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. The excitement didn't last too long because I broke my elbow by tripping over a stick at my graduation dinner. Definitely not intoxicated, just clumsy. FML

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By my gran is a cuntwaffle - 26/9/2013 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

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By megs - 10/12/2016 12:49

Today, I was promoted. After going to school for 10 months to get certified for the new position, training extensively, and taking on a ton more responsibility, I was hoping for a decent raise. How much do my bosses think all of that time and effort is worth? One dollar more per hour than I made before. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 03:16 - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

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By lebanesewoman - 30/6/2009 16:17 - Hong Kong

Today, I went to my 7 year old son's school for a conference with his teacher. When I got there, the teacher said "she adored me for who and what I am". I was puzzled. Turns out my son told his class that I am a "lesbian American." Wrong. I'm Lebanese-American. FML

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By bluep313 - 18/9/2015 17:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the real cause of what I assumed was a healthy increase in my teenage daughter's appetite lately. Some fine young gentlemen with a fat fetish convinced her start gaining weight so they could jack off to her. FML

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By Dangling - 21/6/2016 03:01 - United States - Lizella

Today, as I entered our narrow hallway while leaving the bathroom, my belt loop caught on the knob of a nearby closet. My husband had to come and rescue me as I hung there, my ass in the air. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, my boyfriend threw a snowball at me. This would have been fine had it not been hard enough to break my glasses. As a college student, I have to choose between eating for the next two weeks or replacing them. FML

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By Tiffosaur - 4/1/2013 06:12 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2019 00:01

Today, my 16-year-old cousin told me she was "late." When I asked if she could be pregnant, she said no, because, "you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex." I ended up having to give her the sex talk. FML

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By bacon lovers worst nightmare - 26/9/2012 06:57 - United States - San Diego

Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML

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By "Mom2grls808" - 19/12/2018 20:00 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month old on the floor (carpeted) in the livingroom. when I woke up my daughter bombed her diaper her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen....FML

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By Reek - 22/6/2016 14:29 - United States

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought this hot pink Chanel nail polish. Bored, she thought it would be funny to paint my nails. I finally gave in and let her paint my toe nails. After she left, my buddy calls to to see if I can give him a ride. I forgot I had a swim meet today. FML

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By screwed. - 3/2/2009 01:42 - United States

Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML

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By ronboy - 26/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2014 00:56 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

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By wtf - 17/12/2012 19:38 - United States

Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2015 03:31 - United States - New Britain

Today, I found out that the nickname my friend has been calling me in Japanese for the past year is the word for "Idiot". FML

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By eric - 16/3/2011 07:31 - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By goodbye-college - 15/8/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, I found out I won't be able to go to college. Why? My sister's horse needs surgery. FML

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By wakinginvegas87 - 5/9/2010 15:49 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary so I thought I'd do something to impress them. I made them chocolate-covered strawberries. But for some reason they gave me really dirty looks when they saw it. Turns out his mother is allergic to strawberries and his father is allergic to chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2016 23:40 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

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By Sleepless - 3/2/2014 13:29 - Australia

Today, after years of insomnia and going to doctors to help get a regular sleeping pattern, I finally fell asleep without the help of medication, only to dream about being chased by an angry seal and singing to Rihanna with a horse. This is probably why I don't sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2013 07:46 - United States - Denton

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

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By InAnAwkwardSituation - 25/8/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By wtbfiber - 5/3/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

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By AIienware - 30/6/2015 15:33

Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By sadbuttrue. - 25/6/2014 01:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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By dumped - 26/7/2010 23:48 - United States

Today, I was in the shower and I heard my boyfriend walk in. I struck my sexiest pose and when he came in, he looked me up and down and told me, "You look like my mother." Thanks. FML

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By Lissa - 10/9/2019 20:00

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 10:37 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by sending me a text. She was sitting right beside me on a 10 hour car trip, and there was still 6 more hours to go. FML

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By unexpected_failure - 22/11/2010 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

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By liltravol23 - 15/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, the only cute girl in my office made fun of me because I'm 27 and bring fruit cups with my lunch. FML

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By WhatALoserAmI - 27/6/2016 16:08 - India - Bhopal

Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML

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By Sarri - 18/2/2014 02:13 - United States - Pembroke

Today, I worked up the courage to sing at an open mic night. I lost my cool halfway through because all I could hear was laughter. FML

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Top comments

By tenkenshi | 2

#583550 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:40

At least he was thinking about you while he was drunk.

By celiba_fml | 0

#583544 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:33

your boyfriend is awesome

COMMENTS

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#583543 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:36

At least he's getting drunk.

Reply

tuxedoedmudkip1 | 4

#7427795 - Tuesday 21 March 2017 21:52

Deja entendu!

By celiba_fml | 0

#583544 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:33

your boyfriend is awesome

Reply

crzy8mnky | 1

#583591 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:36

Yea I'm not buying that either.

Reply

Zhejan | 0

#583761 - Thursday 24 September 2009 13:34

What the fuck, I don't get this FML at all...

Reply

MR_OHCRAP | 0

#583798 - Thursday 24 September 2009 14:14

Fuck off grammar police.

OP: WOW, your life is totally fucked cos your bf is having a great time?

Reply

soccerkrzy | 0

#583860 - Thursday 24 September 2009 15:53

The girlfriend got ready moron, learn how to read.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#584234 - Thursday 24 September 2009 19:56

It's not that he/she can't read. They are being a grammar Nazi because that is technically worded incorrectly.

Reply

Anonanimal | 0

#584700 - Thursday 24 September 2009 23:46

its not october. WTF. i dont get this FML. how did you search him on google maps?

Reply

Spatch_ | 1

#584707 - Thursday 24 September 2009 23:49

You just fail at life. Sorry, but MY GOD.

Reply

esushi | 0

#584730 - Thursday 24 September 2009 23:59

Oktoberfest is always in late September, weirdo.

Reply

Rakayum | 0

#585258 - Friday 25 September 2009 4:56

But its not october!!!

Reply

Kenji_fml | 0

#585762 - Friday 25 September 2009 13:44

The Oktoberfest is always in the last days of september.

By tenkenshi | 2

#583550 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:40

At least he was thinking about you while he was drunk.

By 24788 | 6

#583556 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:45

I bet he would of told you earlier if he was actually coming.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#583557 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:48

For anyone screaming, "FAKE!!" to this, Oktoberfest is from September 19th through October 4th this year.

Now shut your cumholes, jackwads.

Reply

ZuRG_fml | 7

#583599 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:50

How do you accidentally dial an international call? You need to add on extra numbers, no?

By zOMGitsdc | 0

#583558 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:48

Oktoberfest runs from Sept 19 - Oct 4.

By untoldfame | 3

#583559 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:49

alright, I guess SOMAgirl deleted her comment?
I assure you it was mentally stimulating, and quite the worthwhile read :)

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#583561 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:50

Nah, the first 20 or so comments get fucked up really badly. It will chill out after some more comments get up.

By Spatch_ | 1

#583571 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:13

Actually I was quite flattered that he called me. The situation was frustrating since I haven't seen him in almost a year, but it was more of a laughing FML haha

Reply

Antivirus_fml | 0

#583600 - Thursday 24 September 2009 11:02

You're lucky OP, your boyfriend thinks about you even when drunk.

Reply

Antivirus_fml | 0

#583604 - Thursday 24 September 2009 11:09

OP, you're quite lucky that your boyfriend thinks about you even when drunk. Cheer up. :)

By Flounder | 2

#583574 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:16

YDI for dating a guy who's too dumb to know the difference between being in San Francisco or being in Europe. Either that or for YOU being too dumb to know when your boyfriend is fucking you over.

Reply

Spatch_ | 1

#583580 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:28

non. this isn't /b/ my friend. :)

By MandieHart | 0

#583575 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:18

haha aw I wish I were there :) YDI though for dating a retard.

Reply

JJBADGE10 | 7

#5067670 - Monday 22 October 2012 15:06

He was drunk usually when people drink it doesn't make them smarter.