Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me... - FML

By Spatch - 24/9/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me to say he is in San Francisco and is coming to see me. After scrambling to get ready, he calls me back to say he doesn't recognize the train station. After searching on Google Maps, it becomes clear he's drunk at Oktoberfest. In Germany. FML

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Rock, hard place

Long story short

Headache

By Rich - 26/11/2011 20:50 - United States

Today, I admitted to my wife that I'd really like to get a Prius, but I was worried that if I did, everyone would question my sexuality. She told me, "I don't know why you care, everyone already thinks you're gay." FML

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By student101 - 26/3/2014 03:37 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I got a history project back that I worked very hard on. The teacher didn't bother to write any feedback, besides, "Did you even understand the assignment?" on the back. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2017 06:00 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I was driving when a woman started crossing the street against the light at the upcoming intersection, so I slammed on the brakes and stopped short of hitting her. That's when she intentionally jumped onto my car and started screaming that I had "mowed her down". The cops believed her. FML

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By rejectedprobably - 18/7/2016 23:06 - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2013 14:26 - United States - Campbellsville

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. We decided to play chicken and I was on the shoulders of the guy I like. Right as we started playing, for some unearthly reason my body decided to let out a little pee. I thought he wouldn't notice since we were already wet. He did. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I returned home after a three-week trip to Jamaica. When I opened the door to my room, I was greeted by a swarm of bees and their enormous nest, which was attached to my doorknob. Apparently, I'd forgotten to close the window properly before I left. FML

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By Rhea - 28/10/2009 11:00 - Australia

Today, I won a raffle organised by a friend. I discovered one of the "prizes" was actually a present that I had given to her, that she had "loved". When I asked her where she had gotten it, she said, "Oh, just some crap someone gave me once." She didn't even remember that I had given it to her. FML

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By dave - 27/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

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By BloodyHorror - 11/7/2019 22:00

Today, the blood from some defrosted steak dripped under my fridge where I couldn't see it. One insanely hot day later, and my whole house smells like it has its period. FML

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By MM - 2/2/2012 14:50

Today, I had to give my husband a tutorial on how to use jumper cables. Confused and flustered, he requested written instructions. FML

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By happymum - 30/9/2011 11:10 - Netherlands

Today, I lost my watch at the pool. After giving a detailed description of it at the desk, I was really happy to hear someone had found it and handed it in. Too bad I was too late, because someone had already claimed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 06:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

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By Littlebigben - 19/7/2017 05:00

Today, I found a cellphone. I went through the contacts and called the one listed as 'dad' to inform them I could leave it at a cash register of the store I found it in or take it to the police station so they could pick it up. They then called the police, insisting I stole it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at work as a musician, sitting on a piano bench. Suddenly I found myself at eye-level with the piano, dumped on the floor by the broken bench, with my legs splayed out. I felt like I picked the wrong day to wear a skirt to work - but the audience members all disagreed. FML

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By wow - 2/11/2014 15:23 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML

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By sexyswollen - 24/10/2009 17:14 - Netherlands

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

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By Punk - 7/6/2011 20:07 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time. Just as I was about to climax, I spotted my greatest fear, a big wasp, only a few inches away from me. I shuddered and made a very unmanly orgasm wail. She now refuses to have sex because she says I "turned her off forever". FML

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By Herbiee - 18/8/2010 12:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. 15 Minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML

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By underemployed - 8/12/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I found out my no-work-experience brother has just accepted a 50k/year job. He is still in school and has never had a job. I work as an intern for 11 hours a day, get rude emails from my boss, and have 3 degrees and 5 years work experience. FML

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By Plume - 23/12/2008 07:43 - France

Today, it's my birthday. My ex just sent me a text. I read it, happy he had remembered. He wanted me to know he has a new girlfriend. FML

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By - 24/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

Submission

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By luckycharmed - 17/6/2014 17:34 - United States

Today, my roommate played a "prank" on me. He taped a length of clear cellophane at ankle-height just outside my bedroom door, causing me to trip and faceplant the floor, and busting out a tooth. I now look like a hick, and my roommate is refusing to cover my dental bills. FML

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By FacebookStrikesAgain - 21/1/2014 23:59 - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason why my credit card mysteriously maxed out 2 months ago 'might have been' because she posted a picture of it on Facebook. I ordered a new credit card without the custom picture of us immediately. She broke up with me. FML

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By P0wned - 29/9/2009 21:21 - France

Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML

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By Cano951 - 16/12/2011 20:16 - United States

Today, I was bitched out by a pizza delivery man. I didn't have the cash to pay him for a pizza I didn't even order. FML

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By playinmyguitar - 15/8/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, I invited everyone to a gig I'm playing at a bar. They closed it down just for me when I told them how many people were attending, and I spent all day setting it up. Turns out nobody showed up besides my mom, my dad, and 2 of my cousins. I still had to play 7 songs in front of them. FML

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By unwantedforlife - 20/11/2013 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me but wanted to make sure that we were still friends, so he could still use my Netflix. FML

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By LanaStidolph - 2/12/2017 06:00

Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML

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By FASHlONABLE - 5/4/2010 07:32 - United States

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

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By walnutbladder - 7/1/2011 21:46 - United States

Today, I realized that every time I hear running water, I have less than a minute to find a toilet or I'll pee my pants. FML

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By sealpop09 - 30/6/2011 14:36 - United States

Today, my dad gave me a speech about being gay. He said he'll accept me if that's who I truly am, but he wants me to think it over first. I'm an actor in a play. I had to explain the concept of wearing costumes and acting like someone else to him. For the third time. FML

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By Youdontneed2knowmyname - 5/2/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2016 21:11 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family got detained by airport security thanks to one of their dogs. It didn't even bark to indicate there was something wrong, though. It only kept smelling my dad, probably because we had our dog with us in the car on the way there. FML

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By noboyfriend - 24/5/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I got into a huge fight with my boyfriend. I called him and started yelling at him over the phone. He told me that if I wanted to end the relationship I should just hang up the phone right then. Before I could say I still love him and don't want to break up, my phone battery died. FML

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By .. - 13/9/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

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By Abbynyc - 28/9/2014 11:40 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, while running an event, my belt loop got caught in those metal whorls that outdoor chairs have. I couldn't get it undone and had to greet guests by standing up and bringing the chair with me, hanging from my ass. My coworker finally had to cut the belt loop to set me free. FML

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By shtidsfpa - 18/6/2014 21:06 - United States - Shelby

Today, I only just found out that the abbreviation "lbs" is actually short for pounds. I've been saying "labs" my entire life. I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 22:35 - United States - Houston

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he thought he heard another guy in the room when he called me, and that I'm cheating on him. The guy he heard was a character from a cartoon my sister was watching. FML

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By Lika1712 - 26/8/2014 22:55 - India - Mumbai

Today, while at the bakery, I stood there trying to pick between black forest and dark chocolate. The salesman said kindly, "I've heard dark chocolate helps you lose weight. Yeah, you'd definitely want dark chocolate." FML

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Top comments

By tenkenshi | 2

#583550 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:40

At least he was thinking about you while he was drunk.

By celiba_fml | 0

#583544 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:33

your boyfriend is awesome

Comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#583543 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:36

At least he's getting drunk.

Reply

tuxedoedmudkip1 | 4

#7427795 - Tuesday 21 March 2017 21:52

Deja entendu!

By celiba_fml | 0

#583544 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:33

your boyfriend is awesome

Reply

crzy8mnky | 1

#583591 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:36

Yea I'm not buying that either.

Reply

Zhejan | 0

#583761 - Thursday 24 September 2009 13:34

What the fuck, I don't get this FML at all...

Reply

MR_OHCRAP | 0

#583798 - Thursday 24 September 2009 14:14

Fuck off grammar police.

OP: WOW, your life is totally fucked cos your bf is having a great time?

Reply

soccerkrzy | 0

#583860 - Thursday 24 September 2009 15:53

The girlfriend got ready moron, learn how to read.

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#584234 - Thursday 24 September 2009 19:56

It's not that he/she can't read. They are being a grammar Nazi because that is technically worded incorrectly.

Reply

Anonanimal | 0

#584700 - Thursday 24 September 2009 23:46

its not october. WTF. i dont get this FML. how did you search him on google maps?

Reply

Spatch_ | 1

#584707 - Thursday 24 September 2009 23:49

You just fail at life. Sorry, but MY GOD.

Reply

esushi | 0

#584730 - Thursday 24 September 2009 23:59

Oktoberfest is always in late September, weirdo.

Reply

Rakayum | 0

#585258 - Friday 25 September 2009 4:56

But its not october!!!

Reply

Kenji_fml | 0

#585762 - Friday 25 September 2009 13:44

The Oktoberfest is always in the last days of september.

By tenkenshi | 2

#583550 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:40

At least he was thinking about you while he was drunk.

By 24788 | 6

#583556 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:45

I bet he would of told you earlier if he was actually coming.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#583557 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:48

For anyone screaming, "FAKE!!" to this, Oktoberfest is from September 19th through October 4th this year.

Now shut your cumholes, jackwads.

Reply

ZuRG_fml | 7

#583599 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:50

How do you accidentally dial an international call? You need to add on extra numbers, no?

By zOMGitsdc | 0

#583558 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:48

Oktoberfest runs from Sept 19 - Oct 4.

By untoldfame | 3

#583559 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:49

alright, I guess SOMAgirl deleted her comment?
I assure you it was mentally stimulating, and quite the worthwhile read :)

Reply

Intoxicunt | 5

#583561 - Thursday 24 September 2009 9:50

Nah, the first 20 or so comments get fucked up really badly. It will chill out after some more comments get up.

By Spatch_ | 1

#583571 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:13

Actually I was quite flattered that he called me. The situation was frustrating since I haven't seen him in almost a year, but it was more of a laughing FML haha

Reply

Antivirus_fml | 0

#583600 - Thursday 24 September 2009 11:02

You're lucky OP, your boyfriend thinks about you even when drunk.

Reply

Antivirus_fml | 0

#583604 - Thursday 24 September 2009 11:09

OP, you're quite lucky that your boyfriend thinks about you even when drunk. Cheer up. :)

By Flounder | 2

#583574 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:16

YDI for dating a guy who's too dumb to know the difference between being in San Francisco or being in Europe. Either that or for YOU being too dumb to know when your boyfriend is fucking you over.

Reply

Spatch_ | 1

#583580 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:28

non. this isn't /b/ my friend. :)

By MandieHart | 0

#583575 - Thursday 24 September 2009 10:18

haha aw I wish I were there :) YDI though for dating a retard.

Reply

JJBADGE10 | 7

#5067670 - Monday 22 October 2012 15:06

He was drunk usually when people drink it doesn't make them smarter.