Love: Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me... - FML

By Spatch - 24/09/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, my navy boyfriend, who's stationed in Italy, calls me to say he is in San Francisco and is coming to see me. After scrambling to get ready, he calls me back to say he doesn't recognize the train station. After searching on Google Maps, it becomes clear he's drunk at Oktoberfest. In Germany. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 147

You deserved it 3 251

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By jolene11 - 17/05/2010 02:24 - United States

Today, I found out my husband doesn't love me. At all. He told me this while playing Call of Duty with his friends with his microphone on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 646

You deserved it 3 841

By the other guy? - 29/03/2014 21:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 520

You deserved it 19 697

By Marty - 24/08/2011 17:14 - United States

Today, I've gotten the most calls of my life. Turns out the idiot who changed the sign on my local Pizza Hut put up the wrong phone number. My phone number. I've already received 16 calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 509

You deserved it 2 584

False accusation

By Missa - 04/07/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7-year-olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 400

You deserved it 56 340

By rawdoglyfe69 - 17/04/2013 06:14 - United States - Helena

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 396

You deserved it 6 063

By Anonymous - 04/10/2010 02:04 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up finding out I had a wet dream last night. About someone other than my girlfriend. I don't remember anything about the dream, but my girlfriend remembers everything, aparently I talked through out my dream, she was right next to me listening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 668

You deserved it 5 891

By jordeshting - 22/06/2011 15:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 647

You deserved it 8 596

Single life

By AnonThoughts - 19/09/2021 17:00

Today, I'm single again, after my now ex attacked my best friend out of jealousy, forcing me to choose between 25 years of friendship and 3 months of a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 022

You deserved it 107

By onlyme123 - 27/06/2018 15:00

Today, I got a phone call. I thought it was just one of these toll free numbers that were always calling so when I answered the phone, I said, “City morgue: you stab 'em, we slab 'em! How may I help you?” It was my college calling to discuss my grades. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 867

You deserved it 3 664

By Regina - 03/07/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I got a job selling knives. I had training for 11 hours. At the end of the training session, the instructor promptly informed everyone that they had to pay $145 for a set of demo knives. I paid the $145. I went home and learned that it was a scam. I went back for a refund. They said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 383

You deserved it 55 446

By nostamp - 10/07/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 272

You deserved it 39 166

By kevdev - 09/09/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 700

You deserved it 9 318

By Say Cheese - 22/08/2011 17:19 - United States

Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 277

You deserved it 3 670

By UnicornPancake - 25/04/2018 15:00

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 435

You deserved it 411

By LonelyAngel22 - 24/11/2016 08:10

Today, out of curiosity, I took an online test to see if I have ADHD. Halfway through, I got so distracted and bored that I gave up. Guess I know the answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 373

You deserved it 1 534

Meep Meep

By MeepMeep - 08/04/2018 01:30

Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that road runners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 690

You deserved it 444

By bonehead69 - 31/05/2015 07:06 - United States - Taylorville

Spicy

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 576

You deserved it 5 363

Three is the magic number

By KTBeck - 26/05/2020 14:00

Spicy

Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 023

You deserved it 276

These boots are made for walking

By Anonymous - 08/03/2021 05:01

Spicy

Today, I went to a strip club for the first time ever and was about to enjoy a private dance when the stripper stepped onto my chair, between my legs, to climb up onto platform. Sexy. Unfortunately, she missed the chair and stood on my balls, full weight, without noticing. I didn't 'enjoy' anything after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 230

You deserved it 293

By Me - 05/01/2010 07:16 - France

Today, I was rejected for a job I really wanted, they said I didn't have enough experience. I designed the systems they are implementing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 712

You deserved it 2 059

By howtobesingle - 07/04/2016 02:45 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 233

You deserved it 1 978

By fourfootnine - 07/03/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 652

You deserved it 4 356

Broken vibrator

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 20:00

Today, I received my package. I ordered a vibrator, I was so excited to use it, but when I was finally ready to use it, I found out that it broke during the delivery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 021

You deserved it 247

By Normal - 13/12/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 943

You deserved it 3 852

By Starchyld - 11/11/2009 12:21 - Canada

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 846

You deserved it 4 117

By jess - 08/04/2012 14:30 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and decided to make my mom a special Easter breakfast in bed. I pre-heated the oven to bake the sausage just the way she likes. Guess where my easter basket was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 702

You deserved it 6 983

Classic

By Anonymous - 07/05/2021 17:01 - New Zealand

Today, I pulled up to an intersection behind a car waiting to turn left and we missed a whole set of lights. As I was getting frustrated that they weren’t going when the light was green, I realised I was waiting behind a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 225

You deserved it 929

By Sean - 09/10/2010 20:54 - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 441

You deserved it 3 318

By TeaSea - 11/02/2018 01:30

Today, I told my class I was giving them 60 seconds to do a problem. A girl replied furiously "At least give us one minute!!" I teach a high school honors math class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 274

You deserved it 445

By onlyme - 23/05/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 102

You deserved it 64 753

By Anonymous - 25/01/2013 20:13 - Canada - Quebec

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 505

You deserved it 4 240

By idonteven - 12/08/2013 20:04 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 949

You deserved it 4 451

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 05:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 914

You deserved it 8 562

By Anonymous - 29/07/2019 12:00

Today, while I was sitting in the living room with my mother, my phone rang. She immediately exclaimed, "I'm not calling you! Why is it going off?" She was serious. My own mother doesn't believe people talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 686

You deserved it 166

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 07:30 - United States

Today, between my cats scratching every surface they can find, my boyfriend's snoring, and the dog barking at every slight noise outside, I'm unlikely to ever get more than 3 hours of sleep at a time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 047

You deserved it 6 028

By shelly - 08/03/2012 22:23 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house and had to pee. I waited an hour for my boyfriend to come home. When I saw him pull into the driveway, I peed myself in excitement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 490

You deserved it 7 388

By Anonymous - 13/02/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 081

You deserved it 1 912

By indefiniteforest - 10/09/2016 04:11 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my best friend texted me and told me she broke up with her boyfriend. Trying to be supportive, I sent a long message about how he never deserved her and that I was there for her if she needed someone to vent to. She replied, "Are you high?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 828

You deserved it 1 104

By whoawhat - 11/11/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store where I work to pick up my pay check. After I got it, I headed back to the dorms to take a quick nap before Chemistry later. I woke up, and my check was gone. I later found it. In the form of a text from my roommate saying he gambled away 'our' money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 475

You deserved it 4 006

Romance in Appalachia

By HereWeGoAgain - 22/09/2017 13:00

Today, my mother beamingly asked for my opinion on her wedding dress. She is engaged to her cousin. Conveniently, they already have the same last name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 073

You deserved it 297

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:40

At least he was thinking about you while he was drunk.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:33

your boyfriend is awesome

Comments

allmidnighteyes 10

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:36

At least he's getting drunk.

tuxedoedmudkip1 4

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Tuesday 21 March 2017 21:52

Deja entendu!

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:33

your boyfriend is awesome

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Thursday 24 September 2009 10:36

Yea I'm not buying that either.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 13:34

What the fuck, I don't get this FML at all...

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Thursday 24 September 2009 14:14

Fuck off grammar police. OP: WOW, your life is totally fucked cos your bf is having a great time?

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Thursday 24 September 2009 15:53

The girlfriend got ready moron, learn how to read.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 19:56

It's not that he/she can't read. They are being a grammar Nazi because that is technically worded incorrectly.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:46

its not october. WTF. i dont get this FML. how did you search him on google maps?

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:49

You just fail at life. Sorry, but MY GOD.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 23:59

Oktoberfest is always in late September, weirdo.

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Friday 25 September 2009 4:56

But its not october!!!

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Friday 25 September 2009 13:44

The Oktoberfest is always in the last days of september.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:40

At least he was thinking about you while he was drunk.

24788 6

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:45

I bet he would of told you earlier if he was actually coming.

allmidnighteyes 10

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:48

For anyone screaming, "FAKE!!" to this, Oktoberfest is from September 19th through October 4th this year. Now shut your cumholes, jackwads.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 10:50

How do you accidentally dial an international call? You need to add on extra numbers, no?

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:48

Oktoberfest runs from Sept 19 - Oct 4.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:49

alright, I guess SOMAgirl deleted her comment? I assure you it was mentally stimulating, and quite the worthwhile read :)

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Thursday 24 September 2009 9:50

Nah, the first 20 or so comments get fucked up really badly. It will chill out after some more comments get up.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 10:13

Actually I was quite flattered that he called me. The situation was frustrating since I haven't seen him in almost a year, but it was more of a laughing FML haha

Antivirus_fml 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 11:02

You're lucky OP, your boyfriend thinks about you even when drunk.

Antivirus_fml 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 11:09

OP, you're quite lucky that your boyfriend thinks about you even when drunk. Cheer up. :)

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Thursday 24 September 2009 10:16

YDI for dating a guy who's too dumb to know the difference between being in San Francisco or being in Europe. Either that or for YOU being too dumb to know when your boyfriend is fucking you over.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 10:28

non. this isn't /b/ my friend. :)

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Thursday 24 September 2009 10:18

haha aw I wish I were there :) YDI though for dating a retard.

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Monday 22 October 2012 15:06

He was drunk usually when people drink it doesn't make them smarter.

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 101

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 193

You deserved it 288