Miscellaneous: Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked... - FML

By scaredtosleep - 24/09/2009 09:50 - United Kingdom

Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 750

You deserved it 2 899

There's no helping some people

Batman

The smell detective is on the case

By Wormy - 11/05/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I bit into a Reese's Cup that had been sitting on my desk for a while. As I did, half of a yellow meal worm fell out and landed in front of me, the other half was in my mouth. It was wiggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 118

You deserved it 30 364

By Karl - 21/02/2011 11:43

Today, I woke up and heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I went down stairs and saw a huge guy in there. I got a vase and hit him over the head, not realizing it was my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 661

You deserved it 5 945

By shiftybizniss - 16/04/2009 18:43 - Canada

Today, I tried to sneak up on my girlfriend who was sitting in her car with one of her girlfriends. I snuck up to the driver's side window and tried to startle her by banging on the window. The window was down. My thumb went right in her eye. She has to wear a patch for 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 166

You deserved it 69 230

By DLS - 18/02/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 235

You deserved it 44 717

You've got a friend

By no one - 21/05/2011 09:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 537

You deserved it 11 375

By Insomniac - 02/02/2012 07:07 - United States

Today, I finally got my stubborn toddler to take an afternoon nap after an hour and a half of wrestling with her. Ten minutes later, a UPS package arrived at my door. The UPS man decided it would be a good idea to ring my doorbell repeatedly in rapid-fire sequence as he was walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 102

You deserved it 2 905

Better out than in

By Anonymous - 28/08/2020 17:01

Today, I resigned from my dream job with a small company. In the 6 weeks I worked there, a fist-fight occurred, the police were called 4 times, a person was fired for lying on important documents, and I was yelled or heckled for my ideas everyday. Now I'm jobless and worried, but had the first good night's sleep in 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 138

By bannana0zoom - 03/03/2012 08:06 - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 924

You deserved it 7 947

By MomLovesMeLessThanTrash - 14/08/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, I slipped on a plastic bag that my mom, the hoarder, was keeping on the stairs. I fell and sprained my ankle, getting rug burn in the process. Her response? Getting mad at me, putting the bag back on the stairs, then getting another to add to the pile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 076

You deserved it 2 694

By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 056

You deserved it 3 378

By AmericanDream - 01/12/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, after recently moving to America as I've always dreamt of, I saw my first, majestic deer. My boyfriend slammed it with the rental car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 175

You deserved it 3 811

By Ido - 14/06/2016 00:51 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I announced my engagement on social media. I got more people telling me how stupid I was than any actually congratulating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 222

You deserved it 3 091

By chieftain - 09/05/2012 19:34 - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 181

You deserved it 5 659

By immovingout - 04/05/2013 17:46 - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 066

You deserved it 4 727

By angel grace - 15/02/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for "lying" about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 042

You deserved it 236

By Diachronic - 12/09/2014 08:05 - United States - Lewiston

Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 183

You deserved it 3 069

By anon - 19/01/2015 05:35 - United States - Burleson

Spicy

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 370

You deserved it 6 511

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 521

You deserved it 8 216

By DDD - 31/01/2009 15:04 - France

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 320

You deserved it 66 620

By madeyoulaugh - 25/11/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I was watching my 7 year old daughter and her friend jump on our trampoline. I was really impressed by all the flips they were doing, and I told her "Hey! I can't even do that." To that her friend replied " Of course you can't. You're fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 907

You deserved it 8 157

By Anonymous - 24/02/2013 13:56 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 974

You deserved it 3 220

By Anonymous - 17/01/2010 00:46 - Canada

Today, I woke up at 2:30 AM. Thinking I was going to be late for my 3:30 AM flight, I rushed into the bathroom to shower. As I came out of the shower, I slipped and broke my arm. I then realized my flight is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 765

You deserved it 8 846

By killerxdeagles - 23/12/2014 02:22 - United States - Wichita

Today, I was t-boned and my truck was rendered useless. I was given a ticket even though the man who hit me ran a red light. Why? Because there was dirt on my license plate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 460

You deserved it 3 079

By Anonymous - 09/12/2012 14:53 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years drunkenly introduced me to another very special lady. His wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 197

You deserved it 3 735

Compassionate

By Anonymous - 25/01/2021 12:01 - Australia - Carnegie

Today, I tried to speak to my wife about my feelings for this coming year, family and work. I thought it wouldn't be a problem as I regularly listen and support her with her feelings, emotional issues, anxiety, depression, etc. She shut me down in 30 seconds and said to stop acting like my mother and being so stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 185

You deserved it 85

Queue cutters should be prosecuted!

By Anonymous - 13/04/2020 17:00

Today, while queuing in a shop, a girl appeared to bunk the line. When I asked her about it, she said it was nothing to do with me. She then asked me what was I going to do about it, before kneeing me in the nuts. I was overtaken by everyone in the queue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 588

You deserved it 236

By no - 11/09/2014 01:47 - United States - Worcester

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 103

You deserved it 3 430

By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 08:17 - Australia

Today, I spent two hours researching ways to fake my death, just so I can escape my crazy, overbearing stalker of a mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 452

You deserved it 2 846

By HomicidalPegasus - 25/05/2014 15:50 - United States - Bethalto

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 213

You deserved it 36 189

By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 23:17 - United States - Killington

Today, I found a wounded turkey in our backyard. I brought it inside, put it in a cage, and tended to its wounds. I then left. When I got back home, I smelled the wonderful aroma of my mother's cooking. She had prepared a turkey, the one I'd rescued. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 737

You deserved it 5 616

By Anonymous - 21/07/2011 23:46 - Australia

Today, my three-year-old daughter rushed in, excited about her new baby brother or sister. She was so excited, I didn't have the heart to tell her men can't have babies, and I just have a beer gut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 898

You deserved it 15 737

By jadakorn - 11/07/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 124

You deserved it 29 340

By ScrewedOver - 02/01/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, is January 1st. Last night, I threw a party. Only 3 people came. Luckily, one of the people who came was the love of my life, I had been hoping to get a midnight kiss from him. Unluckly, he decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend. At my party. They were liplocked almost the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 211

You deserved it 4 513

By TrappedInSchool - 28/07/2018 12:30 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 623

You deserved it 482

The Rupture

By oofouchmyvagooter - 06/10/2019 16:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 318

You deserved it 181

By Anonymous - 02/01/2011 21:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband was kind enough to hold my hair back while I was going down on him, but didn't have the thought to comfort me this morning while I suffered the effects of morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 324

You deserved it 5 537

By Anonymous - 30/06/2017 02:00

Today, I caught my 29-year-old brother-in-law scratching his poison ivy with a handful of forks before putting them back in the drawer. I called him on it and he huffed, "You've never said anything before." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 796

You deserved it 315

By Anonymous - 23/08/2014 18:16 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 481

You deserved it 6 610

By AnonymousAmber - 31/10/2014 23:10 - United States - Yadkinville

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 082

You deserved it 2 847

By Anonymous - 02/11/2012 19:46 - Netherlands - Delft

Spicy

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 591

You deserved it 8 350

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Top comments

catatonicsleep 17

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Thursday 24 September 2009 16:56

creepy....

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Thursday 24 September 2009 16:58

haha. I would had called the police.

Comments

catatonicsleep 17

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Thursday 24 September 2009 16:56

creepy....

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Thursday 24 September 2009 18:14

That seems like a "cold" assumption to make about someone

LewJH 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 18:19

Pun fail.

xxmirandapandaxx 14

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Thursday 24 September 2009 18:36

not necessarily, lolz if i worked at a hotel front desk, i wouldn't be able to resist saying stuff like that.. it'd be hilarious all the stuff you could say to freak people out.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 18:39

That's sexy

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Thursday 24 September 2009 19:33

hell yea its sexy, :D ur gonna get lucky maybe tonight ;]

xxmirandapandaxx 14

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Thursday 24 September 2009 20:48

I feel special :O

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Friday 25 September 2009 9:19

Since when does Edward Cullen work as a receptionist?

khoff 0

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Saturday 26 September 2009 2:59

fake!

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Monday 28 September 2009 5:14

HAHHAHAHAHAhahah that is so funny. I put it as my facebook status

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Sunday 5 June 2011 5:50

Thats just plain scary!

RiZiX 0

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Tuesday 22 November 2011 22:09

Run. Run as fast as you can.

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Thursday 12 January 2012 3:51

You didn't know that hotel staff drugs the candies on the pillows, sneaks through the windows at night, quietly creep over to your bed (ninja style) and curls up next to you until the "special candy" wears off?

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Thursday 24 September 2009 16:57

creeper!

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Thursday 24 September 2009 16:59

Anyone else hate the term creeper? It's like its sprung up all of a sudden. It's everywhere!

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Thursday 24 September 2009 18:09

Why? Are you one or do you aspire to be one? I know a group of people who hate this use of the term "creeper:" Gardeners! Now when they want to discuss philodendrons, for example, the rest of us think Phil O'Dendron is a paunchy, middle-aged pervert masturbating just outside of a teenage girl's window. A similar fate struck the model railroad club of northern Ohio, the Cleveland Steamers.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 18:10

It does seem to be a bit of a cultural phenomenon of late. Same with "stalker." Correlation?

Witchcraft_fml 4

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Thursday 24 September 2009 21:03

I agree. I'd never heard the term before until a few months ago, and since then it's been everywhere. Following me, if you will. :]

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Friday 25 September 2009 7:09

It's eating us from the inside AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! The pain fluffy come help meeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!!

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Friday 25 September 2009 7:51

You might say it's crept up.

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Friday 25 September 2009 8:27

#73 and #107 - Lmao at the subtleness of your jokes.

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Friday 25 September 2009 18:38

8trickster8 the term creeper didn't "spring up all of a sudden" it's been gaining in popularity for the last like, 5 years or so. That's about when I first heard it anyways, and I've been using it regularly for the past 3 years at least.

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Sunday 31 October 2010 5:44

Watch old school Scooby Doo! There's an episode with the "Creeper"

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Thursday 24 September 2009 16:58

haha. I would had called the police.

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Monday 12 April 2010 1:45

lol at 45...

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Thursday 24 September 2009 16:59

that's so creepy.

canucksrule88 0

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Friday 25 September 2009 19:03

at least he cares about her(:

threer 30

Monday 14 October 2013 23:14

Gender stereotyping or just an innocent mess-up? OP is a man and the receptionist's gender is unconfirmed.

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Thursday 24 September 2009 16:59

run run and don't look back that is creepy

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Thursday 24 September 2009 17:00

Creeepy

scorpioserpent 1

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Thursday 24 September 2009 17:00

wow that's weird!

XOfiestypixie 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 17:01

That's creepy. And I agree with whatever Intoxicunt may comment on this. =)

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Thursday 24 September 2009 17:21

Yay! I feel special. You know the complimentary candy on your pillow? DRUGGED. Enjoy.

XOfiestypixie 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 17:43

Yay drugged candy! =D

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Friday 6 May 2011 4:36

you look creepier.,

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Tuesday 16 August 2011 4:48

I'm never having that candy again.

Intellectualist 0

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Thursday 24 September 2009 17:01

Did they touch you gently too?

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Thursday 24 September 2009 17:03

hahahaha nice.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 82

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 44