All the FMLs

Okay, I wanted to clarify a few things for some people. During this event, I was in the living room she was in her bedroom. She was actually laying down for bed; this was close to 10:00AM she was supposed to be already sleeping. So I thought she was already asleep. As for the bucket in the potty chair, my wife decided since my daughter is a big girl we would place it in her room, so if she needed to go at night she could. A bad decision on our part I assure you. She removed the bucket herself before the post occurred. Again she was lying down and suppose to be asleep, I did not know she did this either. Needless to say the potty chair is no longer in their room.

Check these bad boys out

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 06:57 - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 371

You deserved it 40 198

By tawnaciousd - 10/09/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my sister surprised me by cleaning my room and doing my laundry. She found my journal, condoms and vibrator and decided to share her findings with my family. Oh yes... she also shrunk half my wardrobe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 180

You deserved it 5 070

Licence to drive

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 06:19 - Australia

Today, after failing my learner's licence twice in the previous weeks, I finally passed. As I got home, I went for a drive with my dad. I smashed my mum's car into an old lady's fence and ended up in her backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 605

You deserved it 37 960

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 695

You deserved it 6 968

By Embarassed - 10/09/2009 05:32 - Canada

Today, I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. At least, I thought I did, until I woke up to my pants, sheets, and boyfriend all soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 631

You deserved it 8 149

Pay up!

By Anonymous - 10/09/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, while driving on the tollway my car overheated and died a few yards from the toll booth. I then had to wait, crying, in my smoking car for a patrol guy while cars moved around me. He had to push me through the toll and the lady in the booth said she felt sorry for me but still took my $3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 478

You deserved it 5 144

By slashteddy - 09/09/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 977

You deserved it 2 811

By K-9cop - 09/09/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I hadn't popped the question to her yet. For the last six months, I have been respectfully trying to convince her over protective father to give me his blessing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 050

You deserved it 5 129

By sadchick - 09/09/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 715

You deserved it 8 815

By nick2.0 - 09/09/2009 21:20 - United States

Today, I hired a private investigator to find out if my wife of 15 years is cheating on me with my brother. I don't know what's worse, that she is cheating on me, or that instead of cheating with my brother she's cheating with my brother's wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 258

You deserved it 5 557

By Missy - 09/09/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 962

You deserved it 4 628

By WOCOACH - 09/09/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 934

You deserved it 5 049

By hwood - 09/09/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 541

You deserved it 8 244

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 307

You deserved it 43 685

By GoodDog - 09/09/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 51 921

By Victor - 09/09/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my last period class. When I woke up my teacher said "you missed your bus". I grabbed all my stuff and ran out the room. My class mates were standing outside the class laughing. We still had an hour left in class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 664

You deserved it 59 299

By clingmaster - 09/09/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of over a year broke up with me. Two weeks ago she complained that I didn't act like I really loved her. I then became more involved and caring just for her to show my love. The reason she broke up with me? Because I was "suffocating her with clinginess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 845

You deserved it 4 684

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I realized I forgot to write a 5000 word essay for my English class. I tried to be calm since I had until midnight to finish, and it was only 8pm. I typed for three hours straight,and finished the assignment. I read over the instruction again, and realized it only had to be 500 words. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 547

You deserved it 57 339

By theboywithlonghair - 09/09/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I decided to go get my hair cut because it was getting a bit long. I told the lady that I wanted it way short and she replied "Why? You will look like a guy sweetie." I am a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 019

You deserved it 6 902

Traumatized

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 702

You deserved it 5 909

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 757

You deserved it 5 821

By comet5002 - 09/09/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I played a goth character in my friend's student film with goth clothes, lip ring, eyeliner, etc. We went into Starbucks at break and an elderly man came up to me and said "Your kind is the reason for all the bad stuff in this world" and then spat in my $5 drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 861

You deserved it 5 483

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The Top

Today, I forgot my phone on the roof of my car. I took a 30 minute drive from my friend's city to my city. I got on to my driveway, surprised to see my phone still there. Thinking I'm really lucky, I pick up my phone. Then, I trip over a pebble, cracking my phone in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 958

You deserved it 4 362

Today, my parents announced they are adding a sister-wife to our very conservative Christian family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 047

You deserved it 238

Today, I finally noticed that my new coworker, with whom I have to share an office, starts every sentence with, "I mean…", then a pause, then says whatever he has to say. I can't un-notice it now, and it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 147

Today, and since I went to a club with a few friends for the first time two days ago, I now have tinnitus, which still persists and I'm worried it might be permanent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 264

Today, I’m a 32 year-old man with a wife, a dog, and 2 kids. I still pick my boogers and eat them, and have no plans to stop anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 178

You deserved it 1 105

Today, despite all I've sacrificed to stay home with my child, and operating a small business while they are in school, my child decided to make a punchline out of me and roasted me in front of the whole family because my husband paid for my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 108