All the FMLs

Delusional

By fmlifetime - 24/10/2009 22:24 - United States

Today, while shopping for some bananas at my local grocery store, an old woman came up to me and started rubbing my stomach. She simply asked when I was due. I am a 43 year-old man with a beer belly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 652

You deserved it 14 912

By Granny - 24/10/2009 21:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a nice moment with my granddaughter as she was being affectionate by stroking my face. We were both quite content, until she said, "Aw, Grandma, your skin feels just like a crocodile." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 978

You deserved it 3 486

By sexyswollen - 24/10/2009 17:14 - Netherlands

Today, I woke up to find my face all red and swollen. Turns out it is caused by the medication I’ve been taking for over a week now. Only in very rare cases it will cause redness on your skin. I’m glad to know I’m special. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 976

You deserved it 3 145

By meg265 - 24/10/2009 16:11 - United States

Today, I discovered that when you're the maid of honor giving a toast at your best friend's wedding, it's important to make sure the zipper on your dress is secured. Otherwise, your bare breasts and Hello Kitty panties could end up exposed to a wedding party of 600 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 123

You deserved it 9 175

Boring

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 14:58 - Canada

Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 468

You deserved it 7 618

Smooth

By HungryGirl - 24/10/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I went to McDonald's to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 548

You deserved it 9 808

By nnnaaazzz - 24/10/2009 12:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 381

You deserved it 6 237

Oh mother, I can feel, the soiiiiil falling over my heaaaaaaad

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 10:27 - United States

Today, I was informed by my next door neighbor that they heard me singing in the shower last night. I laughed and she told me that the family gathers in their upstairs room closest to my bathroom window to guess which song I'm singing. Every night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 628

You deserved it 6 610

Matching

By Clunker - 24/10/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, as I was driving with my boyfriend, he pointed out what a crappy car I drive. About how the locks don't work, the vents are broken, the windshield wipers are busted, my headlights aren't bright, and a hubcap is missing. Then he said I’m a good match for my car, 'cos we have the same “personality". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 973

You deserved it 3 979

By Marcella - 24/10/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, my fiance told me he thought it was time that we started to see other people. I'm six months pregnant with his baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 611

You deserved it 4 471

By Brinty - 24/10/2009 04:26 - Australia

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 494

You deserved it 3 569

Ninja move

By kiran - 24/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I went to the post office. As I entered the building, my car alarm went off. Thinking I'd accidentally pressed the alarm on my keys, I shut it off without looking. When I returned to my car, the passenger window was demolished and my purse with all my money was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 080

You deserved it 39 677

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 351

You deserved it 35 665

Chris Hansen time

By lloydLO - 24/10/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I met and asked a cute girl out on a date. We decided to meet at a fancy restaurant downtown. When I got there I saw her sitting with what turned out to be her parents. They made a huge scene, calling me a pedophile and a low-life. Apparently, the girl was 16 years-old. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 166

You deserved it 13 643

By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 550

You deserved it 7 407

Gross

By iross - 23/10/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway. I shut my windows and sunroof when I started to feel heavy rain hitting me in the face and shoulder. I was confused by the rain because the sun was bright and there was blue, cloudless sky. Then I saw the large trash truck in front of me spewing "trash juice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 760

You deserved it 3 314

By ashleyramsay - 23/10/2009 19:13 - Canada

Today, I heard whimpering while I was in my bedroom. Thinking it was my parents doing something nasty, I let them do it and turned on my music. My parents came home from work and I realised they were never home. I went into the room and saw my dead dog laying on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 724

You deserved it 11 828

By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 15:15 - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 407

You deserved it 4 378

By CarolinaD - 23/10/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, my son's teacher told me that I should take my son to the doctor, because he has been complaining of bad headaches. They ran some tests, and then removed a peanut that's apparently been lodged in his nose for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 116

You deserved it 5 245

Thanks, I hate it

By effmylife - 23/10/2009 10:09 - United States

Today, I took my SUV in to get the oil changed, and the tires rotated. They allowed me to stay there, because they said it would only take 30 minutes. So I sit there in the waiting room, and I look through the window only to see my SUV falling off the lift, from 6 feet in the air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 802

You deserved it 3 661

Flirtatious bubble

By BoogieCandy. - 23/10/2009 08:56 - Canada

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 444

You deserved it 8 594

By wahwah - 23/10/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 209

You deserved it 6 276

By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says Anal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 499

You deserved it 49 739

By E.S. - 23/10/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I had lunch with some important potential clients at a fancy restaurant. I really wanted to make a good impression. When the piano music stopped, I started clapping while looking around for the pianist. Apparently, it was a CD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 184

You deserved it 41 014

Awks

By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 04:56 - Australia

Today, while trying on a dress, my sister came up behind me and poked my back, asking, “What have you stuck down your dress?” I hadn’t put anything down the back of my dress; it was just my back fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 685

You deserved it 10 073

By Leash - 23/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 212

You deserved it 9 372

By mandy - 23/10/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 914

You deserved it 6 704

By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my bed drinking Yoohoo from a juice box. I decided it would be fun to see how much I could fit in my mouth. As soon as my mouth was full, I sneezed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 730

You deserved it 41 636

Ewwwww

By JustEwww - 22/10/2009 21:24 - Australia

Today, I played with the white dust on the counter at work for the last time. After a couple of weeks of arriving to a thin coating of dust over the counter, and drawing in it, piling it up and other such fun things, I met the guy who now does the earlier shift. He has a huge, dandruffy beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 292

You deserved it 13 530

By iplaytwister - 22/10/2009 21:00 - United States

Today, I realized that sometimes I forget to turn off my desk light when I leave the room for dinner. I also learned that said desk light can get hot enough to melt plastic, which is why my brand-new laptop screen was literally oozing onto the table top when I got back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 750

You deserved it 12 864

iplaytwister tells us more.

iplaytwister 0

Friday 23 October 2009 2:52

OP here. Technically this happened almost a year ago, and I wrote the FML from my new(er) laptop, which is a mac. It WAS true, and the desk light was a regular desk light, I had it like 8 inches from the screen (Toshiba laptop), and it melted the plastic all around the corner of my screen and onto my screen. When I rescued it, I could see into the cords and everything inside. so yea.

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Love Coworkers Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Kids Parenting Annoying Shopping Jealousy Underwear Parents Thief Intimacy Suspicious Sex Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I went to a local concert. The singer from my favorite band stage-dived and I got to catch him. Unfortunately I was the only one to catch him. The next thing I know I'm pinned between him and the concrete floor as he finishes whatever part of the song he was on. He was fine, I hit my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 349

You deserved it 5 714

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 337

You deserved it 38 810

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 470

You deserved it 5 756

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 448

You deserved it 3 275

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 683

You deserved it 3 956

Today, my girlfriend's cat adores me. I can't sit down without her jumping on my lap and purring. The cat is also overweight, with very sharp claws, and likes to knead on my legs. My legs look like I lost a fight with a thorn bush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 117