All the FMLs

By monkeycannon7 - 24/04/2012 16:36 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 350

You deserved it 29 730

By Sad Sally - 24/04/2012 11:22 - United States

Today, a therapist told me that I was too depressed to attend his depression group meetings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 716

You deserved it 2 976

By xharmonyx - 24/04/2012 08:29 - United States

Today, I paid for someone else's piss so that I could pass my drug test. I didn't pass the drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 765

You deserved it 71 152

By jessica071509 - 24/04/2012 05:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my new dog unburied my old dog and chewed on his bones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 367

You deserved it 3 700

By Anonymous - 24/04/2012 04:44 - United States

Today, I yet again heard a friend say "YOLO" as if it's a word. It was so annoying that I had to restrain myself from punching him in the face and offering him the chance to suck on one of my turds, since apparently "YOLO." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 941

You deserved it 5 831

By GogoTheGreat - 24/04/2012 02:12 - United States - Mission

Today, I saw a picture of a dude on a Harley on my friend's wall. I asked her if it was Dog the bounty hunter. It wasn't, it was her aunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 584

You deserved it 5 013

GogoTheGreat tells us more.

GogoTheGreat 12

Tuesday 24 April 2012 17:12

Her hair was in her face so I couldn't tell if there was a beard or not.

By sadmommy - 23/04/2012 22:51 - United States - Keller

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 573

You deserved it 6 209

By beleria - 23/04/2012 22:41 - United States

Today, I went grocery shopping. As I was leaning in to pick up some produce, someone viciously slapped me on the butt. I whirled around and nobody was anywhere in sight. Now I'm starting to worry that I'm losing my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 250

You deserved it 2 894

Fat chance

By Dave - 23/04/2012 13:22 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I left my number on my receipt for a cute waitress. As I was leaving the bar, she came running out and called me over. I obviously got excited. Turns out I'd forgotten to sign my slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 662

You deserved it 22 066

Charming

By hoggypig - 23/04/2012 13:00

Today, I was walking across a pedestrian crossing and waved at the driver of the car who'd stopped, just to say thank you. She stuck her middle finger up at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 602

You deserved it 2 901

By Anonymous - 23/04/2012 09:51 - United States

Today, due to nervousness, I threw up while proposing to my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 273

You deserved it 3 805

By Anonymous - 23/04/2012 05:50 - United States - Harrison

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 176

You deserved it 2 111

By leprechaun23 - 23/04/2012 04:21 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I taught my friend how to use a staple gun. She taught me how to get staples out of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 312

You deserved it 4 323

By gottalovefriends - 23/04/2012 04:04 - United States - Atkinson

Today, it was my wedding day. With my best friend as the priest, she asked, "Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" After saying I do, she then turned to him and asked, "Do you want to bang my friend?" Everyone laughed, except my already disapproving father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 996

You deserved it 4 922

By AngryLittleMan - 23/04/2012 03:00 - United States

Today, I discovered something more dangerous than drivers who text: drivers who break your car windows with a bat while stopped at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 606

You deserved it 2 209

By jack - 23/04/2012 02:43 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 018

You deserved it 2 314

By whirlednews - 23/04/2012 02:01 - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 272

You deserved it 1 820

By dontbuysamsung - 22/04/2012 20:06 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mobile phone wouldn't turn on. I took it in to the phone store, but they won't fix or replace it because the account is in my dad's name, not mine. He's abroad for the next month, and the only way to get a hold of him is on a number I only stored on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 157

You deserved it 5 761

By Gitana - 22/04/2012 19:08 - Spain - Tafalla

Today, I was trying on some clothes in the store's changing room, when someone reached under the door and grabbed my purse, shoes, and pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 935

You deserved it 3 176

By Coquette - 22/04/2012 18:14 - United States

Today, I realized just how awful my relationships have been when I discovered I emotionally connect with women on Jerry Springer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 976

You deserved it 5 767

Toilet training

By Anonymous - 22/04/2012 17:12 - United States - Houston

Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 385

You deserved it 2 792

By stoggie96 - 22/04/2012 15:34 - United States - Wooster

Today, I realized that both my husband and son refer to me as "the bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 590

You deserved it 29 148

By Mary Kathryn - 22/04/2012 12:09 - United States - Fremont

Today, I took off the training wheels of my niece's bike. I tried to show her how to ride it, but she told me to get off because I needed a "fat girl's bike." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 233

You deserved it 6 594

By ultraattitude - 22/04/2012 07:01 - United States - Union City

Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 026

You deserved it 12 636

Bad hair day

By Andrew7847 - 22/04/2012 05:24 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I discovered I have really bad dandruff. I learned this when I went indoor mini golfing and my whole upper body lit up like a Christmas tree underneath the black light. Among my friends I'm now known as The Abominable Snowman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 172

You deserved it 4 454

Boom!

By JurassicHole - 22/04/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 236

You deserved it 4 475

By Jenn P - 22/04/2012 03:15 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 974

You deserved it 70 663

You wish!

By Anonymous - 22/04/2012 02:22 - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 841

You deserved it 2 494

By Lorena - 21/04/2012 19:26 - United States - Kapolei

Today, just three days into a much-needed vacation, my 5-year-old daughter has come down with chickenpox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 116

You deserved it 3 254

By Anonymous - 21/04/2012 14:50 - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 216

You deserved it 3 244

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I'm trying to get over my OCD by wearing 2 different shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 254

You deserved it 448

Today, I went to confession. I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to. He chuckled and said, "You know, lying is a sin too." I wasn't lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 689

You deserved it 9 585

Today, my neighbor's dog decided to knock over our trash cans, which were full of my bathroom trash. I had to pick up tampon and maxi pad wrappers from all over the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 465

You deserved it 2 574

Today, I was going to a talent show. On the way there, my car broke down, I lost my keys, and managed to slam my hand in a window. I got there and waited in the theater for an hour, before a janitor came by and said, "Show is tomorrow, lady." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 672

You deserved it 9 596

Today, for my birthday, my wife gave me a "day to myself", except less than 20 minutes after I woke up it was, "could I quickly drive her to an appointment?", and "can we do a quick grocery shop?", and, "the kids need this and that." At bedtime, she asked me how I’d enjoyed my day to myself, seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 294

You deserved it 186

Today, I got home from my 6-week vacation. Apparently, my mum cleaned my room for me while I was gone because my vibrator was neatly tucked into my blanket, next to my pillow instead of being hidden under my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 486

You deserved it 9 328