Work: Today, I applied for a job as a secretary. As I sat in the waiting...

By caltech - 10/10/2012 04:15 - United States - San Jose

Today, I applied for a job as a secretary. As I sat in the waiting room, the interviewer came out with his wife. She gave me a once-over, then said to her husband, "Hire this one. She's so ugly, you would never have an affair with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 087

You deserved it 2 072

Work

Own it

Weird reason to leave, but OK

The smell detective is on the case

By Burny - 12/10/2017 16:00

Today, my partner took a shower while in the middle of cooking something. My eyes are still burning from the smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 793

You deserved it 270

By singing

By Ramb0 - 21/12/2019 01:00 - United Kingdom - Christchurch

Today, I was headbanging so hard to a song in the shower that I hit my head on the wall and got a concussion. I'm now in hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 2 069

By Anonymous - 18/08/2015 12:34 - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 096

You deserved it 2 874

By Anonymous - 21/02/2012 19:17 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 678

You deserved it 6 362

Near the knuckle

By Anonymous - 20/10/2020 05:01

Today, as a waitress I served someone who was hoping their food would come back faster than expected. I replied, “Fingers crossed!” just for the person to show me they had no hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 99

By anonymous - 05/09/2012 16:25 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my teacher assigned us teams in a class debate. I landed on the team that had to argue the obviously wrong point of view. When I finished, my teacher told me and the entire class how much I disturbed her, and how I reminded her of Hitler and Napoleon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 583

You deserved it 2 554

By Anonymous - 16/07/2019 22:30

Today, I watched a customer open a bottle of salad dressing, taste it, then just put it back on the shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 784

You deserved it 111

By bad date - 13/06/2012 04:42 - United States - Bennet

Today, my date made me pay him for picking me up, and taking me back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 273

You deserved it 3 709

By MoncaBang - 29/01/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, jumped out, and ran straight to hide in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 609

You deserved it 3 417

By Anonymous - 15/09/2018 13:00

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 359

You deserved it 831

By Wrongdoor - 06/12/2009 14:58 - United States

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 460

You deserved it 27 881

By ow my kidneys - 14/07/2015 10:33 - Germany - Bad Oeynhausen

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 795

You deserved it 1 909

By eternal - 24/06/2019 18:00

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 1 162

Fight! Fight! Fight!

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 17:54 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 538

You deserved it 1 997

By Caroline - 24/02/2013 09:34 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I went to the doctor to get a blood test and I started crying when I saw the needle. I planned on becoming a doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 077

You deserved it 13 495

By justanaccount - 27/02/2009 19:35 - Spain

Today, to ask a boy I really liked to my school's turnabout dance, I gave him a box full of 10 cupcakes that spelled out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?. The boy gave the box back a little later. There were two cupcakes left inside. It said N-O. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 445

You deserved it 12 005

By Sucks2beme - 09/11/2017 15:00

Today, a cute guy who works in my building said, “Wow! You look hot.” I blushed and replied, “Oh thanks!” He then said, “Oh, no. I meant you look sweaty. Is it hot outside?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 127

You deserved it 432

By Anonymous - 23/05/2013 10:52 - United States

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 197

You deserved it 7 350

Double standards

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 08:08

Today, the friend who I'm crushing on but doesn't like me like that back said she wants us to keep our distance AND got angry because I told her I joined a dating app. Now she thinks I lied about my feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 151

That's tasty

By shithole - 26/12/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, my dad and I found in my house a water filter that has not been changed in over 20 years. We have been drinking that water that has been going through a filter that had more colors than a rainbow on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 077

You deserved it 9 130

By Alissa - 29/06/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I'd give him head one last time before he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 678

You deserved it 6 893

By ShanghaiSam - 17/05/2017 04:00 - China - Shanghai

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 127

You deserved it 360

By Stupidhuman - 13/04/2017 13:02 - United States - Sparta

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 485

You deserved it 2 147

By I warned him - 19/12/2014 02:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 037

You deserved it 4 614

By GeeTwo - 21/02/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, I signed the divorce papers my wife gave me. When I went to bed, she was on the phone talking to her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 537

You deserved it 3 052

Better out than in

By flying13 - 03/11/2010 07:27 - United States

Today, I was on a bench enjoying the sun, when a guy comes and sits next to me. Next thing I know, he lets out a loud fart, then looks my way with pride. I stare back in shock. He then says to me, "Yeah, that just happened," and walks off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 424

You deserved it 13 260

By panda - 03/03/2011 11:20

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 200

You deserved it 6 266

By Tom - 26/06/2009 00:56 - United States

Today, I rushed home to tell my parents my girlfriend had accepted my proposal. They asked how I could be so selfish at a time like this. Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is more important than their son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 769

You deserved it 6 873

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 15:14 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 441

You deserved it 15 988

By ev_lyn_aw - 17/05/2017 04:00

Today, today while walking my dog in a different part of town, a man ran screaming out of his house, and threw a plastic bag at me. It was dog poop. It was the first time I'd ever walked in front of his house with my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 809

You deserved it 266

By babymine - 09/03/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and a woman's bag started to fall. In the spur of the moment I thrust my arm up to catch it. I didn't catch the bag, but I did catch her boob. I had to sit next to her for the rest of the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 987

You deserved it 2 939

By Skidaddle123 - 23/08/2011 16:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 916

You deserved it 9 693

By that's methed up, darling - 16/08/2013 21:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dragged me to the local McDonald's, refusing to drive me home until he ate. When I mentioned how dangerous that part of town is, he stopped and went all Walter White on me in front of everyone, spouting lines like "I AM the danger" and "I'M the one who knocks, babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 815

You deserved it 6 061

News to me

By Anonymous - 29/11/2021 14:01

Today, I checked my mom's email to track a package I'm waiting to receive. Instead, I found out my mom canceled the order, and that my parents are getting a divorce and have been fighting via email for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 120

By anonymous - 03/01/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 794

You deserved it 5 031

By Out Ran - 16/02/2010 06:32 - United States

Today, while running, I sped up to show off for a cute female runner I'd seen before up ahead. I passed her and not more than a minute later she sprints past me. I couldn't catch up. She not only out ran me, but waited to tell me it was a 'nice try'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 822

You deserved it 34 849

By Juanna - 13/01/2010 08:07 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. We were walking in the park and I noticed a funny smell. I looked down and realized I stepped in dog crap. I tried to nonchalantly rub it off on the grass, but instead hit a patch of wet grass and slipped onto my butt, right into a pile of goose poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 608

You deserved it 4 501

By Spawn_of_Satan - 27/03/2009 15:18 - Hong Kong

Today, whilst my parents and I were out, my older brother thought it would be funny to play porn on my computer. At full volume. With my window wide open. Now my next-door neighbors tell their kids I'm a spawn of Satan, and the weird guy from across the street winks at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 042

You deserved it 7 407

By dmvsucks - 13/09/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I was at the DMV getting temporary tags for my new car. While waiting in line, a huge fat lady behind me felt the need to run her finger down the scar on the back of my neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 535

You deserved it 3 075

By Anonymous - 12/02/2015 03:59 - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 385

You deserved it 5 977

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Top comments

TwitchingNebula 17

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:06

That doesn't mean you can't prove her wrong

jessikamahone 6

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:04

Look on the bright side, you've got a job.

jessikamahone 6

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:04

Look on the bright side, you've got a job.

timjones 8

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:29

That went straight to the self esteem.

WritingWrongs 8

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:39

Oh yes, a, job is good. These days it can be so hard to find, one. You gotta take what you can get, even if the boss (or his wife) is an asshole

ohcheriecherie 20

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:23

Your comma use needs help, good sir.

WritingWrongs 8

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 20:21

Ah, yup it does; I don't know what I was thinking, I had just woken up when I wrote that.

Liamj774 36

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Friday 12 October 2012 0:50

But don't look on the bright side for too long or you'll go blind

vanillacocoa 6

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Friday 12 October 2012 22:31

That means you HAVE to sleep with him now

SkoomaKi 27

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:05

Get a nearby stapler and fire staples at her. It's only logical.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:05

That Was Easy(TM), Mr. Spock.

TwitchingNebula 17

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:06

That doesn't mean you can't prove her wrong

fml121785 14

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:22

Challenge accepted!

Mister_Triangle 21

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:29

She's gotta do it out of spite now

onlychildFTW 33

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 19:58

Oh yeah. Just to get back at that mean woman. It's horrible to say that, especially to someone's face. Behind back isn't much better but at least OPs feelings would be spared.

Trym 7

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:07

Haha, doesn't sound like she trusts her husband!

TheMathMajor 26

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 16:38

Maybe he's had a secretary affair before.

walmartpaysme 15

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:24

Or maybe she was making a joke.

ohSNAPyall 26

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Friday 12 October 2012 18:19

That's a pretty cruel joke at the OP's expense and the husband's as well.

Krirn 21

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:07

That's just an assumption, if he bent you over the desk, it wouldn't matter.

SammyS2012 21

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 14:53

It's all about the mermaid effect

AFEmoWifey 0

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:09

Eye Broccoli?

AFEmoWifey 0

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 19:10

Obviously few people understand HIMYM references.

ifuckmonsters 5

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:10

I think there's some trust issues going on there.

herpderpherpderp 13

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:18

thankyou Captain Obvious!

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 17:31

Epic win: if we had a FMLer named Capt.Obvious and he said "You're welcome!"

dmblonde 13

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:16

Hey just be happy you now have a job. Who cares about how you look. Make some money and enjoy.

olpally 32

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:16

Tell her she's a bitch... And there's no cure for chronic bitch syndrome, and tell your boss you feel sorry for him... Too far? Nope... Congrats on the job, hopefully he's a lot nicer than she is, bitch...

BIGpenis 4

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:53

Haha your cute

zandalee 19

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 13:23

No you are. ;)

gc327072 30

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 14:32

19 & 27: this is FML, not okcupid, move along.

Mirorbo 26

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:17

One order of "ouch" with a side of "daaaaaymmmnnn!" Whatever happened to the golden rule? My goodness!

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 15:55

It was silenced by the silver duct tape. Maybe his wife needs to be, too.

afropuffjake 9

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Wednesday 10 October 2012 12:20

If there's anything I've learned about affairs, looks really don't seem to have anything to do with it. Shit even Shania Twain was cheated on. If the boss is sleeping around it might be because the wife's a bitch. I hope you have other offers OP, but like everyone says a job is a job. Just don't look to make this a permanent one :-)