Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the...

By maniac11 - 11/10/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML

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Get me away from here, I'm dying

Sister of the year

Ambien conversations are the worst

By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

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By guy - 25/11/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, my entire family came over for thanksgiving. It went pretty well, only four family members got in a fist fight and only one cop car was called. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2016 16:29

Today, I dyed my hair for the first time. It turned out great, and I couldn't wait to show it off during my night out with my friends. Everyone was so shocked or disgusted, I ended up claiming I lost a bet. FML

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By chronic masticator - 21/5/2016 11:51 - United States

Today, after I skipped dessert for the third day in a row, my mom cornered me and accused me of being anorexic. I'm actually not far off being clinically obese and I'm just trying to diet, but nothing I say will convince her. She wants me to see a psychiatrist about a disorder I don't even have. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 16:01 - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2013 22:22 - United States - Arvada

Today, things got pretty steamy between my boyfriend and me. We started doing stuff that neither of us had tried before. Then, he straddled me with a raging erection and boomed, "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML

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By pass me the fucking rope - 18/6/2016 13:17 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML

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By Username - 17/7/2011 19:59 - United States

Today, after applying sunscreen to myself every two hours, I still got sunburned. Through my clothes. FML

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By soccerbuddyz - 3/8/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, I got a complaint from my neighbor about a little girl staring at her through my guest bedroom window for the past month. I live alone. And now I'm scared to live in my own house. FML

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By Tomtom - 17/11/2008 05:04 - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 21:40 - Ireland - Kilkelly

Today, my dad introduced me to my half-sister. He'd only recently found out that he had another daughter by another woman, and had only just met her. She and I have been in the same class in school for the past three years. FML

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By taxed - 2/2/2010 13:00 - United States

Today, I found out that I owe the IRS money due to my previous job not taking enough taxes out. I am broke, unemployed, and was counting on a big refund so I could pay for my divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2009 07:58 - United States

Today, I punched my wife in the face, because she jumped out from behind the bedroom door in the dark. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2018 15:00

Today, the man I've been dating for four months said he could see I had feelings for him, and he was mad because it made things complicated. FML

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By Kan23 - 26/1/2016 03:37 - United States - Altus

Today, I got fired from my job. When I asked why, all that was said to me was, "We don't have to disclose that information, but you did nothing wrong. It's just not working out." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 18:00

Grab the balls by the horn, dude

Today, the only girl I've ever had eyes for said she can't find any good single men, all while sitting next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2012 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

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By thnxbabe - 22/9/2014 02:11

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our six-month anniversary. And by that, I mean he brought along his obnoxious best friend, and I paid for everyone's dinner at an expensive restaurant. FML

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By creeped - 29/12/2010 00:50 - United States

Today, I was talking to the guy that has been in love with me for two years. He said "There is a shortage of perfect breasts in the world. It would be a shame to lose yours." He then creepily looked at me and said "It's true." Thanks, Princess Bride, for supplying creepers with material. FML

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By why they bomb - 9/3/2015 06:01 - Canada - Campbell River

Today, feeling in need of a self-esteem boost, I took what I thought was a good selfie and I put it on Facebook. Out of 500 friends, the only response I got was a picture of Saddam Hussein with the caption, "This is why I bomb people." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2018 15:00

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

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By Chessmomma3 - 10/5/2019 01:00

Today, my 18-month-old found our "naughty drawer." I found her carrying a "toy" all over the house. FML

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By single - 1/7/2011 09:12 - China

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

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By mairelys - 26/1/2010 06:56 - Canada

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

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By confused - 7/4/2013 14:51 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2019 00:01

Today, my family drove me to the airport. Before they said goodbye, my mom discreetly pulled me to one side and asked if I'd remembered to pack my birth control pills. Unfortunately, my little sister heard, then chased me through the security line, yelling, "YOU'RE ON BIRTH CONTROL?!" FML

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By Stressed dad - 18/7/2017 20:00

Today, my wife's water broke so I drove her to the hospital. After 16 hours without labor, I went home to get a little sleep. Four hours later I got the call and ran outside to find that my car was towed from my parking space. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 17:54 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML

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By not my fault you got knocked up - 9/8/2020 20:02

Sister of the year

Today, my older sister threw an epic tantrum, demanding that my parents not pay for my 21st birthday trip. She insists it’s not fair for them to gift me a trip, since she didn’t get to celebrate her 21st. She didn’t get to celebrate because she was pregnant. Now my mom wants to reconsider. FML

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By - 27/11/2019 18:00 - United States

My electric toothbrush

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By Kramer - 16/2/2012 12:49 - Canada

Today, I found out that driving for 2 weeks on 3/4 of a tank doesn't mean my truck magically got more efficient, it means my gas gauge is broken. FML

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By FaceTime issues - 6/4/2014 06:57 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

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By Slayeddd - 28/10/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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By HungryGirl - 24/10/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, I went to McDonalds to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML

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By kill me - 20/6/2017 04:00

Today, while serving at my restaurant, a mother acted as a wing-woman for her son by insisting I read a note he'd written, asking for my number. I had to awkwardly reject the guy in front of his entire family, before having to keep serving them for another hour. FML

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By facepalm - 22/7/2013 20:19 - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By TPelekakis - 8/6/2016 17:01 - United States - Kingsport

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

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By Rissa Warrington - 9/3/2012 08:30 - Canada

Today, I was walking to the bus in my favorite jeans, and I felt a uncontrollable itch in my leg. I scratched and it went away, but then I felt something moving on my leg. I hadn't worn my jeans in so long that a spider had decided to make it a nest. FML

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By wendtinmypants - 31/5/2014 15:05 - United States - Omaha

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

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By SwimSquid - 15/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, my mom and I went to Winn-Dixie. I told her I was going to a different isle 5 minutes later I hear my name on the intercom to go to the front of the store. As I go I see my mom crying, she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost. Im 22, I had my cell phone, and I drove there. FML

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Top comments

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3417110 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:55

I find it weird that they'd observe how long you took in the bathroom...

By DynamicDave | 11

#3417230 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:16

I'd be pissed if that happened to me. I mean urine their home as a guest, your comfort should be number 1. I think they just flushed away any dignity you had left. It doesn't get much bladder than that.

COMMENTS

By prettyinpunk1025 | 14

#3417098 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:53

Guys always take long in the bathroom anyway ;)

enonymous | 8

#3417216 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:14

I wish my family would do that for me :(

DynamicDave | 11

#3417230 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:16

SwiftFaux | 0

#3417257 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:30

Well done.

SwiftFaux | 0

#3417258 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:30

Well done.

changesinme | 0

#3417346 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:28

Someone sign this guy up for a world record holder

theten_fml | 9

#3417565 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 12:14

I'd take the girlfriend in the room and give them another reason to clap

Dudelike89 | 8

#3417582 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 12:23

42- gonorrhea?

rallets | 22

#3417665 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 13:01

looks like urine trouble

rallets | 22

#3417680 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 13:14

looks like urine trouble

LouisianaBob | 9

#3418136 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 17:08

The people at the urinal over never get excited for me when I do my victory dance for such a long piss =(

Roevera | 14

#3418270 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 18:06

Haha those must be thin walls if they heard you.

Jammy01jams | 2

#3418897 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 22:18

When I walk out of public restrooms I pronounce: "Mission Accomplished!"

upyourzlolz | 11

#3419722 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 2:43

68- you must be one of those obnoxious douches who think they are hilarious, but no one really thinks they're funny.

izvakutzklipx | 2

#3419936 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 3:42

-17 I SEE WHAT YA FUCKING DID THAR!

construction | 7

#3420816 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 7:55

Very well done buddy

ATSViper | 15

#3421356 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 11:22

LOL

CaptainCommenter | 6

#5830212 - Friday 17 January 2014 21:33

By what logic are you going by that you'd be sane enough to say that guys take long in the bathroom? I'll have words with you, oh yes I will!

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3417110 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:55

I find it weird that they'd observe how long you took in the bathroom...

22cute | 17

#3417337 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:19

Agreed. That's really rude, especially with a guest.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3417871 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:05

They must've thought that was his first time. On the bright side you weren't caught trying to weigh your balls...

YayFlameWarz | 9

#3417936 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:43

-Walks out to clapping- "I missed..."

angrymexican | 8

#3420576 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 6:08

His mother would be proud

IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3476605 - Sunday 23 October 2011 16:04

You win.

By not_cool808 | 14

#3417115 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:56

*clapping*

Takami662 | 2

#3417256 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:28

You don't really need to tell what happened again.

not_cool808 | 14

#3417334 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:19

cool story bro

snakerake | 10

#3419815 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 3:19

...Welcome. To the society of uncompromising men. Welcome, to the WiserHood.

By abudali911 | 3

#3417133 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:57

I once pissed for 4 minutes

ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3417304 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:48

That usually only happens to me after a night of heavy drinking. My roommate wasn't too happy when he went to put his clothes in the washing machine the next day though.

prettyinpunk1025 | 14

#3417375 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:43

5, congratulations...

Jdeluxh | 12

#3422584 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 16:09

Haha great reference!

GamingTroller101 | 12

#6617669 - Sunday 29 May 2016 19:25

Thats almost the world record

By Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#3417137 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:58

Take a bow

nothingmuch_ | 5

#3417909 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:29

Like. Congrats OP :)

Her family obviously found it amusing, so definitely not FYL.

By KVKdragon | 26

#3417167 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:02

Just ignore them and let them continue being immature. Pretty soon, they're going to figure out that they're not being funny and that they're harassing a guest in their household