Valentine's slay, Looking good and Health: Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the...

By maniac11 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31415

6547

Triage

TMI

Gas giant

By notyourfriend - Canada - Peterborough

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37315

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3439

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By anon - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I heard some boys shouting behind me. As I turned around they poured a bucket of red liquid over my head. They thought I was someone they knew. I wasn't. And i was wearing a $200 white dress. Red dye doesn't come out of white dresses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

83975

You deserved it

4912

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By HeadTrauma - United States

Today, I had a dream that I was 25, unemployed, living with my parents, and still completely in love with someone who no longer feels the same way about me. Oh wait... it wasn't a dream. FML

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27246

You deserved it

6862

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By Renesmeekuhnell - Denmark

Today, I had to walk through the blistering snow, because my boss needed something really important: cream cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28121

You deserved it

2967

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29849

You deserved it

5420

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By loser - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I asked the girl I sort of like as we were leaving class how her day was going so far. She said, 'Great. Don't ruin it.' FML

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34360

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3264

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife slapped me for touching her boobs during sex. FML

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55164

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6246

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By AnRom - United States

Today, I spent five minutes trying to kill a spider with my mind. FML

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10582

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43848

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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26874

You deserved it

4226

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By Beewwwbs - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

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2662

You deserved it

241

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By NooOOooOO

Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2937

You deserved it

304

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2020 17:00

Indifference

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me having phone sex with another guy. He either didn't notice or didn't care. FML

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479

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4753

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By Adam

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

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8556

You deserved it

955

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend started a conversation with "I don't want to break up" and ended the conversation with "I think I'd be better off alone." So I guess I'm now single. I think. FML

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29010

You deserved it

2494

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By Sub - United States

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to a female friend of mine, because I thought they would get along. Apparently they get along better than I expected; she dumped me for the other girl. FML

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40506

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4338

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By Ray - United States

Das wat u get hoomin

Today, we took my cat to get her shots. She screeched and clamored in the car until I took her out of the carrier and held her in my lap...where she immediately pooped on my new white pants and then hid under the seat. FML

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3037

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2354

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By husks

Today, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend for the 5th time. She still hasn't got the hint. FML

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39016

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12386

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 17:00

Bird's eye view

Today, I found out that my shower area is in direct view from my neighbours' balcony. I realised this when I caught my neighbour and his wife watching me while I was getting dressed. I've been living here for 7 years. FML

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1474

You deserved it

507

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, nobody wanted to come to my graduation after finding out that my father was coming too. FML

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6807

You deserved it

447

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By Richard

Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML

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2041

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1407

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By sealy - United States

Today, I was told I sound like a seal barking when I orgasm. FML

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31943

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7834

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By bullseyed - United States

Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year old on a scooter. FML

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9551

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36254

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By ilovebigmacs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

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22711

You deserved it

3160

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By brokenhearted - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my boyfriend sent me so many nice texts that he made me fall in love with him that little bit more. It turns out he was sweetening me up before telling me he cheated on me the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34057

You deserved it

2581

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By 315 - United States

Today, I drank a good amount of vodka and cut my own hair. FML

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7561

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45656

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By ohhhman - United States

Today, one of the Haitians that works in the kitchen at my restaurant said something to me. Usually I can't understand them and I just smile and laugh, so that's what I did this time. Later, I found out he was trying to tell me his father had passed away. FML

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19656

You deserved it

58028

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By LegInPieces - United States - Redmond

Today, I spent an excruciating hour walking to campus with a broken leg, only to find my professor had left a note on the door saying class was canceled. FML

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47794

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3823

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By Anonymous

Today, I bought a rather unique shirt for my boyfriend, planning to give it to him for Christmas. He showed up wearing the same shirt. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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8400

You deserved it

655

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By Nazi-chef - United States - Tucson

No mash for you

Today, I was making mashed potatoes in a hurry, I had the pot boiling on high when I had to rush to the bathroom. As I'm walking away, I ask my boyfriend to watch the potatoes. When I returned, they were no longer boiling and he proudly announced he added cold water because they looked a little dry. What? FML

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5799

You deserved it

639

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By fakelaugher - United States

Today, I found out that my friends have been "fake laughing" whenever I make a joke just so that the situation doesn't get awkward. FML

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15233

You deserved it

24219

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By TuteSweet - United States

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

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37447

You deserved it

4775

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By Username - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

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29554

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15686

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 23:01

"I'm horny, horny horny horny"

Today, I got incredibly horny at work. No one was in the office, so I spread out on my yoga mat and started to masturbate. All of the sudden, I heard a forklift outside. I quickly tried to hide, but I think the construction worker caught me. He’ll be working here all month. FML

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313

You deserved it

2651

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By 1942ford - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called an airline to try to locate a bag I left on a flight. When I told the phone rep which airport I flew into, he asked me what city it was in. He paused after I told him, then asked me what state Seattle is in. I don't think I'll be getting my bag back. FML

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46044

You deserved it

3805

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By Scared

Today, I played a harmless joke on my neighbors by pointing a laser pointer out of my window onto their wall. Apparently, my neighbors don't take jokes lightly as one of the sons pointed at my window while screaming and swearing, then took out a gang bandana and wrapped it around his face. FML

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646

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2371

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By burgerpants - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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4155

You deserved it

277

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By Anonymous - United States - Helena

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she'd leave me for her ex in a heartbeat. Tomorrow is, or should I say "was", our wedding day. FML

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38885

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2386

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

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34454

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By frenchy - United States

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

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124649

You deserved it

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By baddream - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Our soul

Today, at my grandmother's funeral I tried my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. Afterwards, my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

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65840

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Top comments

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3417110 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:55

I find it weird that they'd observe how long you took in the bathroom...

By DynamicDave | 11

#3417230 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:16

I'd be pissed if that happened to me. I mean urine their home as a guest, your comfort should be number 1. I think they just flushed away any dignity you had left. It doesn't get much bladder than that.

COMMENTS

By prettyinpunk1025 | 14

#3417098 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:53

Guys always take long in the bathroom anyway ;)

enonymous | 8

#3417216 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:14

I wish my family would do that for me :(

DynamicDave | 11

#3417230 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:16

SwiftFaux | 0

#3417257 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:30

Well done.

SwiftFaux | 0

#3417258 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:30

Well done.

changesinme | 0

#3417346 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:28

Someone sign this guy up for a world record holder

theten_fml | 9

#3417565 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 12:14

I'd take the girlfriend in the room and give them another reason to clap

Dudelike89 | 8

#3417582 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 12:23

42- gonorrhea?

rallets | 22

#3417665 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 13:01

looks like urine trouble

rallets | 22

#3417680 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 13:14

looks like urine trouble

LouisianaBob | 9

#3418136 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 17:08

The people at the urinal over never get excited for me when I do my victory dance for such a long piss =(

Roevera | 14

#3418270 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 18:06

Haha those must be thin walls if they heard you.

Jammy01jams | 2

#3418897 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 22:18

When I walk out of public restrooms I pronounce: "Mission Accomplished!"

upyourzlolz | 11

#3419722 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 2:43

68- you must be one of those obnoxious douches who think they are hilarious, but no one really thinks they're funny.

izvakutzklipx | 2

#3419936 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 3:42

-17 I SEE WHAT YA FUCKING DID THAR!

construction | 7

#3420816 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 7:55

Very well done buddy

ATSViper | 15

#3421356 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 11:22

LOL

CaptainCommenter | 6

#5830212 - Friday 17 January 2014 21:33

By what logic are you going by that you'd be sane enough to say that guys take long in the bathroom? I'll have words with you, oh yes I will!

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3417110 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:55

I find it weird that they'd observe how long you took in the bathroom...

22cute | 17

#3417337 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:19

Agreed. That's really rude, especially with a guest.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3417871 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:05

They must've thought that was his first time. On the bright side you weren't caught trying to weigh your balls...

YayFlameWarz | 9

#3417936 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:43

-Walks out to clapping- "I missed..."

angrymexican | 8

#3420576 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 6:08

His mother would be proud

IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3476605 - Sunday 23 October 2011 16:04

You win.

By not_cool808 | 14

#3417115 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:56

*clapping*

Takami662 | 2

#3417256 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:28

You don't really need to tell what happened again.

not_cool808 | 14

#3417334 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:19

cool story bro

snakerake | 10

#3419815 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 3:19

...Welcome. To the society of uncompromising men. Welcome, to the WiserHood.

By abudali911 | 3

#3417133 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:57

I once pissed for 4 minutes

ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3417304 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:48

That usually only happens to me after a night of heavy drinking. My roommate wasn't too happy when he went to put his clothes in the washing machine the next day though.

prettyinpunk1025 | 14

#3417375 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:43

5, congratulations...

Jdeluxh | 12

#3422584 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 16:09

Haha great reference!

GamingTroller101 | 12

#6617669 - Sunday 29 May 2016 19:25

Thats almost the world record

By Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#3417137 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:58

Take a bow

nothingmuch_ | 5

#3417909 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:29

Like. Congrats OP :)

Her family obviously found it amusing, so definitely not FYL.

By KVKdragon | 26

#3417167 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:02

Just ignore them and let them continue being immature. Pretty soon, they're going to figure out that they're not being funny and that they're harassing a guest in their household