Valentine's slay, Looking good and Health: Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the...

By maniac11 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31425

6555

Age difference

Another great day to be alive

Get the hell out of Dodge

By pregnantapparently - United States - Durham

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

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24898

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By JustAGiftCardPlease - United States

Today, I received the box my parents sent me for my birthday. Contents were a travel first-aid kit, and a remote control robot toy, with an age recommendation on the box of 8. I'm 29. They thought that since I'm an engineer I would like the toy. They also think I'll hurt myself with it. FML

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41964

You deserved it

3807

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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62133

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3701

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By Anonymous

Today, I called my daughter a wimp and insisted her pain can't be that bad. She left in tears. Later, I got a call from her doctor informing me that she has trigeminal neuralgia, one of the most painful diseases known to man. I'm an asshole. FML

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1550

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10224

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By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I took my 12 year-old to the orthodontist. While I was talking to the dentist about what was needing to be done, my daughter listened. With a straight face, the dentist joked, "Yeah, we're going to need to rip off her entire jaw." My daughter won't leave her room anymore. FML

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43623

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5269

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By Lalalala - 6/9/2020 02:02 - United States - Austin

Post-it

Today, my boyfriend told me to stay home, because he wanted to come by to give me a birthday surprise. Later on, he came by, posted a note, rung the bell and left. The note was a break up note. FML

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1640

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By MAC - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20328

You deserved it

3140

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By mu5icadd1ct

Today, my sister stole my bike and gave it to her boyfriend. When I told my parents, they said it was fine, because I wasn't using it anyway. The reason I wasn't using it was because it needed a new tire, and I was saving up for one. FML

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14544

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885

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew home from college to see my parents. Later I found the expensive painting and hand-made necklace I mailed to my mom for mother's day while taking out the trash. FML

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62600

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3115

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By just socially awkward

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

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3007

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191

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By Anonymous - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

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50224

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7723

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By omfgitburns

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

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48380

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2852

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By possiblyoverweight - United Kingdom

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

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44812

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4362

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By Gremlin - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

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22822

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3988

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By lmaofuck - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

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11503

You deserved it

1375

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

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31214

You deserved it

6230

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By DaddysGirl - Canada

Today, I took the train to visit my parents, which arrives late at night. As I was getting off, the cute guy in front of me looked out the window, then turned to me and said, "Doesn't that guy out there give you the creeps?" That guy was my dad. FML

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33318

You deserved it

2590

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my parents are planning to divorce. My dad said, "I'll take Rachel." Rachel isn't even his daughter; I am. Rachel is my mom's daughter with her first husband. FML

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42147

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2793

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By Wrongdoor - United States

Today, I was taking a placement test for the new college I am going to. After the test and picking up a few numbers, I left with great pride. I opened the door and started walking out. I then realized that I had walked into the closet. FML

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11452

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband hooked up with his classmate in the school I talked him into going to. I helped him pass classes to get there. FML

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2915

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250

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By seamonkeys - United States

Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

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55247

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By Greattitan2 - United States - Beaufort

Today, I was working at a fast food restaurant when I cut my hand. There was a good amount of blood flowing out so I ran to my manager and asked where the first aid kit was. He then picked up a washcloth and some tape and handed it to me. FML

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25527

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1886

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By oldtimerclark - United States

Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML

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67519

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

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32968

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By smokecloud_ - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

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52190

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By natedudelol

#choices

Today, at the self-checkout, I didn't have enough money for honey, so I just walked out with it and ended up getting caught. Now I have to hold a sign in front of the store wearing a big bumblebee costume. FML

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891

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8393

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking through the park eating fries. There was an old woman feeding a few pigeons. They didn't seem too interested, so I threw some fries down as I walked by to try and help her out. About 2 minutes later, I heard screaming. A huge group of pigeons were attacking the old woman. FML

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57448

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By fmlsomuch - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

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30124

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML

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20610

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By "PineappleOfMyEye"

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

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1929

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2415

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By stepshart - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, my thieving, layabout stepmom planted weed in my bedroom and showed my dad. Well, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but her smirk and telling me later that I shouldn't fuck with her again seems conclusive to me. Goodbye freedom. FML

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45887

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in the bathroom during the ACTs, my hair got stuck in the electric hand dryer. I had to rip my hair out. For future reference, hair + hand dryer = dreadlocks. FML

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38110

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By theunluckylifeofme - United States - Gilroy

Today, while I was working the drive-thru, a couple came through. As I was handing back their change they began giggling. I looked down to see the man's sex-nose fully erect. FML

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46647

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 08:02 - United States - Ann Arbor

How's your hovel?

Today, I was cooking in my Airbnb and grabbed a pan, only to find it had some kind of beetle and droppings all over it. I realized soon after that the whole place was infested, but the person in charge of maintenance won’t answer my messages. FML

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1067

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By farts

Today, my brother who routinely marred my life by stealing from me, fighting me, and isolating me from my own family, made his hollow AA apology to me so he'll feel better. My parents employ him, bought his car and house, and pay his insurance. I've been in poverty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3310

You deserved it

200

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By Into the darkness - 30/3/2021 21:30

Losing more than I'll ever have

Today, my girlfriend left me. When she moved out, she even took the light bulbs with her. FML

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892

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2021 04:01 - United States - Weyauwega

Ungeeked

Today, while trying to fix a corrupted USB hard drive with my wife’s computer I accidentally wiped her laptop drive instead of clearing the external drive. I’m not allowed on her computers anymore. FML

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257

You deserved it

1427

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By Mateo - France

Today, I surprise my girlfriend by turning up at her flat on her twenty-fourth birthday. She gets up from the couch as I enter and I shout: "Tonight, my cock is going to stab you twenty-four times!" (Okay, that's not smart). That's when her father glances over from the couch and greets me. FML

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13754

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By DearLord - Canada

Next, on The Jerry Springer Show…

Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML

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1891

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157

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By Marou - France

Today, I sent a text message to a guy I like, saying, "Dear Santa, I want to fall in love." He replied: "Wait for next Christmas..." FML

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25275

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Top comments

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3417110 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:55

I find it weird that they'd observe how long you took in the bathroom...

By DynamicDave | 11

#3417230 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:16

I'd be pissed if that happened to me. I mean urine their home as a guest, your comfort should be number 1. I think they just flushed away any dignity you had left. It doesn't get much bladder than that.

COMMENTS

By prettyinpunk1025 | 14

#3417098 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:53

Guys always take long in the bathroom anyway ;)

enonymous | 8

#3417216 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:14

I wish my family would do that for me :(

DynamicDave | 11

#3417230 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:16

SwiftFaux | 0

#3417257 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:30

Well done.

SwiftFaux | 0

#3417258 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:30

Well done.

changesinme | 0

#3417346 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:28

Someone sign this guy up for a world record holder

theten_fml | 9

#3417565 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 12:14

I'd take the girlfriend in the room and give them another reason to clap

Dudelike89 | 8

#3417582 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 12:23

42- gonorrhea?

rallets | 22

#3417665 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 13:01

looks like urine trouble

rallets | 22

#3417680 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 13:14

looks like urine trouble

LouisianaBob | 9

#3418136 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 17:08

The people at the urinal over never get excited for me when I do my victory dance for such a long piss =(

Roevera | 14

#3418270 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 18:06

Haha those must be thin walls if they heard you.

Jammy01jams | 2

#3418897 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 22:18

When I walk out of public restrooms I pronounce: "Mission Accomplished!"

upyourzlolz | 11

#3419722 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 2:43

68- you must be one of those obnoxious douches who think they are hilarious, but no one really thinks they're funny.

izvakutzklipx | 2

#3419936 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 3:42

-17 I SEE WHAT YA FUCKING DID THAR!

construction | 7

#3420816 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 7:55

Very well done buddy

ATSViper | 15

#3421356 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 11:22

LOL

CaptainCommenter | 6

#5830212 - Friday 17 January 2014 21:33

By what logic are you going by that you'd be sane enough to say that guys take long in the bathroom? I'll have words with you, oh yes I will!

By azcardinals1307 | 2

#3417110 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:55

I find it weird that they'd observe how long you took in the bathroom...

22cute | 17

#3417337 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:19

Agreed. That's really rude, especially with a guest.

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3417871 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:05

They must've thought that was his first time. On the bright side you weren't caught trying to weigh your balls...

YayFlameWarz | 9

#3417936 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:43

-Walks out to clapping- "I missed..."

angrymexican | 8

#3420576 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 6:08

His mother would be proud

IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3476605 - Sunday 23 October 2011 16:04

You win.

By not_cool808 | 14

#3417115 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:56

*clapping*

Takami662 | 2

#3417256 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:28

You don't really need to tell what happened again.

not_cool808 | 14

#3417334 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:19

cool story bro

snakerake | 10

#3419815 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 3:19

...Welcome. To the society of uncompromising men. Welcome, to the WiserHood.

By abudali911 | 3

#3417133 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:57

I once pissed for 4 minutes

ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#3417304 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:48

That usually only happens to me after a night of heavy drinking. My roommate wasn't too happy when he went to put his clothes in the washing machine the next day though.

prettyinpunk1025 | 14

#3417375 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 10:43

5, congratulations...

Jdeluxh | 12

#3422584 - Wednesday 12 October 2011 16:09

Haha great reference!

GamingTroller101 | 12

#6617669 - Sunday 29 May 2016 19:25

Thats almost the world record

By Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#3417137 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 8:58

Take a bow

nothingmuch_ | 5

#3417909 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 15:29

Like. Congrats OP :)

Her family obviously found it amusing, so definitely not FYL.

By KVKdragon | 26

#3417167 - Tuesday 11 October 2011 9:02

Just ignore them and let them continue being immature. Pretty soon, they're going to figure out that they're not being funny and that they're harassing a guest in their household