Today, while giving my fiancé a hand-job, my ring got stuck in his pubes. We had to awkwardly get to the kitchen to get scissors. FML
Mega_bug tells us more.
Mega_bug 9
Guys, calm down. Yes, I was giving him a handjob, big deal. Ever heard of foreplay? "Sexy-time" had just started. Trust me, we were getting to the rest. And we have been engaged long enough that I was used to the ring and didn't notice that I still had it on.
Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family has nicknamed me "The Hobbit". FML
Today, I'm at the unique point in my schooling that I'm either extremely overqualified or extremely underqualified for every job opportunity that appeals to me. FML
Today, my ex-girlfriend was supposed to come pick up her things, and while I waited I took a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with two police officers hammering on my door. They'd come to get my ex-girlfriend's things and said they were "watching me." That's the last time I date a cop's daughter. FML
Today, I was talking to a colleague about love. He told me he's given up on love because things ended badly with a previous girl. I said, "Maybe it wasn't meant to be, and she wasn't the one." He then said the reason it didn't work out was because she killed herself. FML
Today, I had my first free night in months. I spent it doing homework and watching TV. I had set my Facebook status to say I was spending time with the boys from The Big Bang Theory, then fell asleep. I woke up later to an angry text from my boyfriend thinking I was cheating on him. FML
Today, my dad got a warning from our ISP for going well over their fair usage limit. I barely use our wifi, and I keep telling him he should password-protect our router to stop people leeching our Internet. He's blaming me anyway, and says I'm grounded until January. FML
Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML
Today, I realised that I could see my own mustache out of my peripheral vision while I was eating. I'm a 23 year-old woman. FML
Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML
Bex98 tells us more.
Bex98 6
So, this is my FML. I'm not sure if it's verified, because I keep forgetting my passwords. Like a complete ******* haha. But anyways, this answer was prompted because I asked the server to describe the alfredo sauce, and she said: "It's creamy and white." Also, the FML about the veteran and his pickup line was also mine a few months ago, and of course I didn't have an account when I posted then either. Also, my brother did not willingly hang out with me haha. My family and a few other families were travelling together, and the teenagers, who all happened to be friends of my brother, went to eat together.
Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML
Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML
Today, I had a car accident. In the same place, at the same time, and with the same friend in the passenger seat as last week. FML
Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML
Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our parking space and stood in line for two hours. My friend was supposed to have the tickets in her purse. She actually had, but she left her purse in the car. FML
Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML
Today, I blushed when a fortune cookie said, "You have the attitude of a winner." My self esteem is that low. FML
Today, while ice-skating with my girlfriend, I tried to do what they do in the movies and make her gently fall into my arms. Instead she slipped, fell, and hit her head on the ice. FML
Today, my deadbeat dad threatened to press charges against me for harassment if I ever contact him again. I've contacted him twice in the last two years, once to tell him he was going to be a grandfather, and once to send him a birthday card from my son. FML
Today, I invited a girl back to my house and she seemed cool. I then left to go to the toilet. When I came back, there was a giant wet patch on the rug. The girl then blamed it on my dog, whose picture is on the wall. My dog died last week. FML
Today, my professor let a guy into my philosophy class 30 minutes late because his excuse was, "Time is just an illusion." This is the same professor that kicked me out of the classroom for being 2 minutes late. FML
Today, I cut my finger with a knife while cooking. I work in a hospital and have to use hand disinfectant at least every twenty minutes. It hurts badly. I have to work for eight hours. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML
Today, I was woken up by my husband attempting to breastfeed off my lactating nipples. FML
Today, I was consoling my drunk husband as he violently emptied his stomach contents into our toilet. One particular retch made me nauseous, and I vomited all down his back, causing him to turn his head and vomit all over the wall. I got to clean it all up. FML
Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. FML
Today, I had to go into school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why period blood couldn't be saved and donated to the hospital for transplants. FML
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