By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 10:58 - United Kingdom

Hmmm, twins

Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML

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Family values

Messed up

Race against the clock

By crazylobster - 14/11/2009 16:52 - Australia

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote "I also have an eye.", instead of "I also have an eye for details.", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

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By worst day of my life - 6/7/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Tilehurst

Right in the snowglobes

Today, my sister kicked me in the balls just before I went into the bathroom, as she wanted to use the shower first. Later, when I came out of the bathroom, she kneed me this time in the same spot because apparently I always make a mess in the bathroom. FML

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By segal1010 - 28/2/2013 00:27 - United States - Potomac

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

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By sweet_02 - 1/6/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I was talking this guy I'm dating and stated that the only reason I am with him is because of what he buys me. I was joking. He then responded that he doesn't care because the only reason he is with me is because I give good head. He was serious. FML

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By Cold - 17/12/2012 05:08 - United States - Richmond

Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

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By fme - 24/9/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I took the family to the Rainforest Café. There was no parking and I detest paying $12 for valet parking. I parked at Wal-Greens across the street in the only spot without a "patrons only, violators will be towed" sign. It was covered by the tree branches. It cost me $225 for the cab and fine. FML

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By boob sisters - 2/7/2014 17:01 - United States - Lilburn

Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my boobs. I quickly found out that I'd accidentally sent it to my sister instead. She sent me one back. FML

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By FathersDay - 22/6/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

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By mcds2 - 18/3/2013 08:28 - United States

Today, an attractive guy came up to me and told me that I looked sexy in a picture online. He then asked himself why he had never asked me out before. Apparently, he doesn't remember our 6-month relationship, or how it ended when he slept with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 23:00

Zedonging intensifies

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2013 22:24 - United States

Today, my coach held a BBQ for the whole team. He told us to eat up, because we wouldn't be working out today. He lied. After eating the equivalent of a Thanksgiving dinner, we had to do team relays. FML

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By Bec99 - 19/4/2020 17:00

Spotted

Today, the pimples on my face are finally clearing up. They seem to have migrated to my ass. FML

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By DeadBroke - 7/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years because I was tired of his childishness and anger, so he decided to send me 540 random text messages of scrambled letters in order to mess up my phone as well, as make me pay 20 cents for each message. FML

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By fernie vazquez - 10/6/2012 09:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to meet my girlfriend's parents at her sister's play. The moment I introduced myself, I realized that her father was my probation officer. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 19:09 - United States - Tampa

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

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By drinkdrankdrunk - 27/9/2013 07:33 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

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By forgotten - 28/2/2013 00:42 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I saw my car being broken into on the street below my apartment. Too scared to stop them myself, I called the police. Before I could even tell them what was going on, they put me on hold. It was a good 5 minutes before I realized they'd hung up on me. FML

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By notacaveman - 16/4/2013 13:27 - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2018 03:00

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

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By Allie cat - 2/12/2016 13:43

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML

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By bacon lovers worst nightmare - 26/9/2012 06:57 - United States - San Diego

Today, I heard of an inevitable world-wide bacon shortage on the news. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 13:39 - United States - Revere

Today, my brother set me up on a blind date. I've been single for years and he said she was a perfect match for me, so I was excited. Turned out the fucker was playing a prank. The girl was my sister, who was just as surprised as I was. FML

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By - 29/1/2019 14:00 - Germany - Bad Frankenhausen

Today, I asked my Mom to buy me new shorts. She bought fluffy bubble shorts. I'm a 20 year old guy. FML

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By sweet_stufz - 11/11/2010 13:30 - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

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By LightsOut - 21/5/2013 22:47 - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By Username - 12/3/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 16:34 - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2014 22:18 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I finally told my dad that I hate his girlfriend. I said her daughter's a complete whore, and her son is annoying as fuck. Turns out they were in the house and within earshot, ready to throw me a birthday party. FML

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By retailshell - 28/1/2015 15:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By partypooper - 28/7/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, a friend asked me if I could help him set up the stage for his wedding. Feeling honored that he considered me a close enough friend to aid him on his special day, I agreed to help. Turns out we aren't so close. I was asked to leave after I was done because I hadn't actually been invited. FML

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By petlover - 23/11/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I had to put my 17 year old cat down. I cried the whole way up to the vet's office and back. After finally coming to terms with the situation, and trying to forget, my dad's friend walks up to me and says, "So, I heard you killed your cat?" FML

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By allidoiswrkwrkwrknomttrwht - 23/10/2016 15:59

Today, I found out my request to have off on Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years was denied, because I work the evening shift every year on Thanksgiving and that's convenient for everyone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 12:00

Today, I have a gigantic zit inside my left nostril. Good news: no one can see it and no need for makeup on it. Bad news: my nose really itches, and I constantly feel like I'm about to sneeze it out like a foreign object. FML

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By man2 - 23/9/2010 11:18 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was unsuccessful at a job interview, and she didn't want to be with someone who "has no future". She's unemployed too. FML

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By anonymous - 9/8/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML

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By Noname - 17/2/2009 08:30 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

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By fml - 27/9/2011 19:25 - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went on vacation. We flew 2000 miles, got off the plane, got our bags and stood outside the airport for our ride. She looks at me and says, "I can't do this anymore." So, she broke up with me and flew back home. Now I'm on vacation alone. FML

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By his word vs mine = me suspended - 10/8/2013 18:41 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML

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Top comments

By Helldozer | 0

#615449 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:21

It could that it's because you fuck like a porn star.

By blackicysheep | 8

#615474 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:35

hahahahaha what's the porn stars name?? and you should be flattered. guys jack off to you :)

COMMENTS

By Helldozer | 0

#615449 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:21

It could that it's because you fuck like a porn star.

Reply

White667 | 0

#615544 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:44

Most guys pick their porn stars that look like their girlfriends, so at least your guy is interesting.

Reply

truelyawesome | 0

#969646 - Sunday 28 March 2010 4:58

which one?

Reply

victoria4161993 | 0

#1019998 - Saturday 5 June 2010 7:37

hahaha so Ive had guys only date my for my boobs i'm not complaining

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#3849651 - Sunday 8 January 2012 10:03

At least he thinks you're attractive

By matthew91 | 0

#615457 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:25

dump him. he's a low life. no joke.

Reply

Dr_Jalepenos | 0

#2778997 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 12:34

isnt that wat all guys do?

Reply

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#4541228 - Friday 8 June 2012 19:10

No

Reply

Autistic_Slut | 9

#6560206 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 5:36

i doubt you can find a guy that doesnt watch porn, does that mean that all men are no lifes?

By blackicysheep | 8

#615474 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:35

hahahahaha what's the porn stars name?? and you should be flattered. guys jack off to you :)

Reply

alexg823 | 0

#2449363 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 3:47

Amen.

Reply

randomstudios | 0

#2547497 - Sunday 22 May 2011 5:52

What does "amen" even mean?

Reply

olive47_fml | 0

#2685100 - Wednesday 15 June 2011 8:36

"let it be so" thats what it means

Reply

tutuluzer5968 | 0

#3656178 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 4:03

Yeah but it's the only reason he's dating her that's fucked up

Reply

threer | 30

#5946471 - Friday 16 May 2014 0:08

Not only guys; girls masturbate to porn as well.

By Jizzylol | 0

#615476 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:36

why dump him? its a compliment

By dmmd8686 | 0

#615489 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:49

I'm sure this comment will be removed but it's true and should be said anyway: no matter how much we say otherwise, we (guys) are with you (ladies) for your looks. so be flattered! that's a lofty compliment.

Reply

ryguy1997 | 0

#973472 - Saturday 3 April 2010 8:08

No not always...

Reply

CamBam97 | 7

#6250657 - Thursday 2 April 2015 17:19

Word,

By mycintosh | 0

#615498 - Sunday 11 October 2009 16:58

I really don't know what are you complaining about ...

By scateice | 0

#615508 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:07

figgle bop giggity goo u r my favorite porn star oh sweet honey dew you

By flyboy57 | 0

#615512 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:12

that means you're hot. get over it!

By burnquist764 | 0

#615537 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:39

Porn stars are hot, take it for the compliment is.

Reply

gameoverman_fml | 0

#615626 - Sunday 11 October 2009 18:45

Unless of course her boyfriend is into overweight midget porn...

Reply

CynicComedian | 2

#625208 - Sunday 18 October 2009 3:36

LMAO!

At any rate, if there's a way to show images on this site, I think we need comparison pics...;)

Reply

mknewt95 | 0

#974943 - Tuesday 6 April 2010 4:13

Oh snaps!! (>^.^<)

Reply

loganm22 | 0

#1841429 - Tuesday 14 December 2010 8:09

or anime porn...

By Bunny702 | 0

#615551 - Sunday 11 October 2009 17:51

Dont ruin his dreams. Thats a dream that all of us men hold dearly and few ever accomplish.