Miscellaneous: Take the W - FML

Take the W

By FML - 18/01/2012 19:41 - United States

Today, I blushed when a fortune cookie said, "You have the attitude of a winner." My self esteem is that low. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 698

You deserved it 4 752

Age difference

Mother of the year

A boy can dream

By SmileEveryday - 17/03/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, I decided to ask my friend to the school dance. It's one where the girls ask the guys. I spent hours placing signs down his street so he would see them on his way home. As I'm waiting in his driveway with balloons I see his car reverse and go the other direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 936

You deserved it 20 365

By Anonymous - 10/06/2012 19:50 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying he had to move away to be with his dad, who's just been diagnosed with cancer. After talking to his sister, I discovered that not only is his dad healthy, he's not moving away either; he's just gotten back with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 434

You deserved it 2 533

Scammers gonna scam

By CrystalsDontWork - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer, as well as a soothsayer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 163

You deserved it 2 807

Worst father ever

By Dick. - 13/05/2021 22:01

Spicy

Today, my father was watching the story on the TV news of a girl who was killed by an Uber driver when trying to return home. The only thing he said was, "Serves her well for being a slut." I have two younger sisters and one among them had a miscarriage after her abusive ex-boyfriend raped her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 411

You deserved it 97

By christacat - 28/09/2016 10:24 - United States - Delaware

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 987

You deserved it 921

By gengiskarn69 - 12/03/2012 14:55 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 952

You deserved it 38 564

By Elayne Warthen - 25/04/2018 01:30

Today, I found out my soon-to-be husband and father of my unborn child is already married to another man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 173

You deserved it 519

By adeeri - 04/09/2014 01:24 - United States - Jackson

Today, a little kid accidentally ran into me at the pool. He apologized by biting my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 245

You deserved it 3 212

By Anonim23 - 25/06/2019 00:15

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 178

By aerythia - 08/12/2012 16:12 - United States - Nashville

Today, it's my birthday and my ex husband texted me at midnight to tell happy birthday. Too bad he couldn't have texted my new husband to remind him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 587

You deserved it 5 486

By CrimsonChin - 26/08/2017 04:30

Today, out of boredom, I decided to clean shave my beard and moustache for the first time in 3 years. My new nickname at work is The Crimson Chin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 209

You deserved it 571

By beachbumb8538 - 15/07/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 665

You deserved it 5 226

By 4fucksake - 18/07/2010 23:26 - Ireland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend showed me how he gives himself a semi-erection before he goes into the men's showers after training so his penis will look bigger in front of all the guys. I find it worrying that he won't have sex with me, but has no problem walking around in front of men naked with a semi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 262

You deserved it 4 675

By Anonymous - 28/05/2011 00:56 - United States

Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 101

You deserved it 53 811

Baked

By Anonymous - 07/06/2020 05:05

Today, I was supposed to have my first job interview for a bakery franchise. Turns out all the applications are submitted to every store, and I was called to the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 330

You deserved it 102

By Anonymous - 11/03/2018 15:00

Today, the girl I thought I was dating introduced me to her boyfriend. We've gone on dates and have slept in the same bed, but it turns out she thought I was her gay best friend and was planning to introduce me to her boyfriend's brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 275

You deserved it 836

By Diachronic - 12/09/2014 08:05 - United States - Lewiston

Today, at the restaurant where I work, a guest choked on a bone from her crosscut ribs. She asked me to bring the manager over, so I did. When he got there, she complained that the bone could have seriously injured her, and we should be more careful of where we put the bones in the ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 191

You deserved it 3 069

By Anonymous - 13/02/2014 01:12 - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 239

You deserved it 7 725

By crosseyed - 10/06/2009 19:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the cafeteria when I noticed a new worker cleaning a table. As I passed her, she looked up and smiled at me. Thinking she was pulling a funny face, I jokingly crossed my eyes and smiled back. She looked hurt and continued working. Later, she served me my lunch. She was actually cross-eyed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 295

You deserved it 74 393

By jennabean - 12/08/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I was petting her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 808

You deserved it 4 599

By CombatShadow45 - 25/11/2009 22:39 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 729

You deserved it 5 423

Not quite there yet

By Anonymous - 06/05/2021 05:59

Today, I was denied entry into Hong Kong after flying here from Canada and paying thousands of uncancellable dollars for quarantine hotel and other plans, because the immigration company fucked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 133

Rumble in the night

By Deanna - 02/10/2019 06:00

Today, I spent the night with in a hotel with my boyfriend's parents, because I went with them to visit him in Atlanta. This morning when I woke up, the first thing they said to me was, "Wow, you're a small girl but you snore like a man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 473

You deserved it 261

You're in the army now, oh ohoh

By Anonymous - 01/07/2020 17:03

Today, my dad set the smoke alarm off at 6 a.m. as a "practice drill." I was woken up so suddenly, I fell out of bed into the bucket of sick I had been throwing up into the night before due to flu. Dad yelled at me for not getting out of the house in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 125

Chill out, dudebro

By Anonymous - 17/04/2021 20:00

Today, my hair is so long hair that it touches my shoulders now. My father attempted to bribe me into cutting my hair several times. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 215

By MitchRapp - 04/03/2016 22:11 - United States

Today, my brother asked me what I want for my birthday, so I said that we could just hang out. He told me I should ask for something more realistic, like a gift card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 998

You deserved it 1 640

By Anonymous - 20/06/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I had to go to a birthday party for 10 year old triplets. They've all been dead for more than 9 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 153

You deserved it 6 660

By Ouchithurt - 04/08/2009 07:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 874

You deserved it 20 995

By Just..why - 25/03/2019 14:00

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 311

You deserved it 186

By FGum - 30/07/2009 05:56 - United States

Today, I was running on a soccer field and accidentally dropped my gum from my mouth. No one had noticed so I picked it up and started chewing again. It was a different flavor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 456

You deserved it 87 687

By Murphy - 26/08/2018 03:30

Today, I bought ingredients for one of my favorite meals and went home to take a nap. When I woke up, my sister had cooked them for everyone else in the house, who ate it all without me. I was told that I shouldn't be angry, but instead proud of my adult sister because, "She cooked!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 993

You deserved it 213

By loganHchrist - 09/01/2014 00:53 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. They thought it would be funny to pretend that they're nudists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 967

You deserved it 4 948

By Anonymous - 04/12/2015 22:17 - United States

Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 464

You deserved it 1 427

By WELLFUCKYOUTOO - 14/08/2012 15:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 184

You deserved it 2 308

By ThatWasntFun - 29/01/2015 21:00 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I went to have a pre-cancerous mole removed off of my nose. When the doctor numbed my nose, she didn't check to see if the anesthetic actually worked, and began hacking away at my nose, leaving me to feel every last flick of the razor. Turns out I have an immunity to that anesthetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 423

You deserved it 2 423

By harro101 - 05/03/2010 05:24 - Australia

Today, the guy I liked for years asked me out. I instantly said yes. As I was walking away, I forgot I was at the top of the stairs and fell down 20 steps. He stood at the top and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 404

You deserved it 6 174

By left-out - 17/02/2013 07:38 - United States

Today, my sister posted on her Facebook that she hates moving because of all of the packing that she and my family have to do. I didn't even know we're moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 974

You deserved it 2 577

By Ewwwwno - 19/09/2017 11:00 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found out that most of my family has the same fetish as I do. I don't know whether to be revolted or relieved that I'm not the only one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 449

You deserved it 560

By chris - 14/06/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 814

You deserved it 3 857

By MDWilde - 30/03/2012 18:28 - United States - North Pole

Today, my husband and I found out that our daughter's chronic stomach aches are due to gluten intolerance, so we need to cut all wheat out of our diet. We're bakers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 302

You deserved it 3 074

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:27

Not everyone can be a winner. Feel honored.

Glitterhinoceros 14

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:31

Buy a lifetime supply of fortune cookies, so whenever you're feeling sad, you get a compliment and a cookie c:

Comments

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:27

Not everyone can be a winner. Feel honored.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:32

Everyone CAN be a winner.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:36

No, they can't be. But they can give it a shot.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:40

That sounds like loser talk to me.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:40

It was a typo, duh. It was supposed to say,"You have an attitude of a wiener."

mfjkr 10

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Thursday 19 January 2012 2:14

#23..or tiger eyes..

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Thursday 19 January 2012 2:15

yea not every one is a winner..... if everyone is then..... i don't know where I'm supposed to be...

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Thursday 19 January 2012 2:21

I'm not trying to be depressing, but in reality 11 is right. There just isn't enough room for EVERYONE to be a winner, and plus many aren't given the opportunity to be winners. However, the harder you try the farther you'll go. :)

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Thursday 19 January 2012 2:50

We're all winners!

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Thursday 19 January 2012 3:27

So, a winner has a low self-esteem? Damn. I've got it all wrong.

AnonymousTroll 2

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Thursday 19 January 2012 3:47

Charlie Sheen is always winning!

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Thursday 19 January 2012 3:50

Everyone CAN be a winner. It just depends on what people perceive a winner to be. Some people see a doctor as a winner but others see a manager at McDonalds as a winner. Don't worry OP, the only person that can stop you from being a winner is yourself. It depends on what you perceive as a winner.

skata 4

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Thursday 19 January 2012 5:42

were all born winners

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Thursday 19 January 2012 6:38

OP, you're easily the most amazing person I know, now go out there and have a great day!!

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Thursday 19 January 2012 13:33

Yes, I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen.

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Friday 20 January 2012 2:15

Go on YouTube, listen to Justin Bieber. Feel good that your voice is deeper than his. Your welcome!

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Friday 20 January 2012 5:01

That is pretty darn cute lol

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Friday 20 January 2012 7:22

What if it's not?

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Thursday 26 January 2012 8:20

Lmao that's the same thing I was hearing

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:27

Lol

borkchop1992 15

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:29

All you need is a little sugah to boost that

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Thursday 19 January 2012 1:42

?

drawmesunshine 17

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Thursday 19 January 2012 1:57

I'm pretty sure he's hitting on OP, but in a really creepy way..

silentbutfunny 0

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Friday 20 January 2012 6:24

Creepy? I find it oddly arousing (Sarcasm)

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:29

Well maybe you should work on improving your self esteem!! It may be difficult and take time, but it'll be worth it!

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Thursday 19 January 2012 4:19

Cookies!!! The irony in this all is that cookies make you fat which lowers self esteem... It's a continuous fuck in the ass.

BayleeWasHere 1

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:29

Yes, yes it is.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:53

hush

TheRealBrianGrif 7

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:30

... In bed

monkeysareyummy 0

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Thursday 19 January 2012 4:52

You could literally add "in bed" at the end of every fortune and it makes it x10 hilarious.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 6:58

To make it 20X funnier, you say in bed, naked

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Thursday 19 January 2012 7:38

You will have a very successful career, ...in bed.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 8:01

~ read in Brians voice ~

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:30

At least it was coming from a cookie.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:32

But it did come from a cookie...

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:55

That's what he said...

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Thursday 19 January 2012 1:28

Confused people... Smh.

Glitterhinoceros 14

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:31

Buy a lifetime supply of fortune cookies, so whenever you're feeling sad, you get a compliment and a cookie c:

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Thursday 19 January 2012 6:27

Call me 12396005636

thethatoneguy_21 4

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Thursday 19 January 2012 7:29

I love fortune cookies, except when I ask for one at a Japanese restaraunt and get cussed out because apparently they're a Chinese thing.......

TheLoneWandererX 2

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Saturday 21 January 2012 0:51

In bed?

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:38

What's wrong with a compliment from a cookie??

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Thursday 19 January 2012 6:33

Nothing. Just don't trust the cookie.

Cryptic_Equinox 0

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Thursday 19 January 2012 14:57

89- thats the cake you shouldnt be trusting.

Pelreskovich 11

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Thursday 19 January 2012 0:40

But at least you're a winner!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 19

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 553

You deserved it 160

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 812

You deserved it 241