By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 05:00

Hello, I love you

Today, I had a very good-looking guy ask for my number while I was at work, but due to our policies I had to turn him down. FML

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1568

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BO Central

Workaholic

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By Cecilly2010

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

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50512

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5219

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By Janitoro - United States

Double-edged sword

Today, I was blessed with a girlfriend who loves giving blowjobs. And cursed with a girlfriend who is also somehow really bad at them. FML

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38258

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By lvegadelgado_6 - United States - Deerfield

Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23464

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2110

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By Stiny - United States

Today, I got kneed in the stomach by a sixth grader. I couldn't breathe. I have a black belt in Taekwondo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32228

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15613

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By Therunawaymoh

Today, my maid of honor and best friend of 10 years won't answer my texts and blocked me on social media. This is because last night she and my fiancé got into a huge drunken fight about who loved me more and she stormed off. I get married in 5 hours and I have no idea where she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3441

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313

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm being evicted from my apartment for not paying rent. My father is the on-site landlord. Meaning I now have to move my stuff downstairs into his place and hear every day how I'm a failure. FML

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16086

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I ran into my crush of three years ago. We used to always walk our dogs together. He still remembered my dog's name. He didn't remember mine. FML

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55059

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3970

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By Rachal - United States

Today, I was standing in the bathroom and farted. It felt like someone stabbed me in the butt. I jumped out of shock, and my head slammed into the mirror. My glasses fell onto the floor and broke. I now need new glasses, a new mirror, and an ice pack for my head. All because I farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26698

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By idiocy Trumps reason - United States - Mission

Today, a customer made a huge scene at work because all of our reading glasses are made in China, and apparently any "moral" person should be repulsed by that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13555

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1220

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By birthday girl - United States - Toledo

Today, it's my birthday. The only thing I received was a bill for a piss test I took earlier this year. FML

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41799

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By journey_Jeanne - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36853

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5108

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By Michele - United States

Today, while babysitting a six year old boy, he asked me if I could show him my "boobies." I said no, that wouldn't be very appropriate. Suddenly, he pulled down his pants/undies and pointed to his package while exclaiming, "Look, my penis is on again!" It was pointing RIGHT at me. FML

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42994

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By lyla - United States

Today, I was on the train ride home from a trip to Florida, and I gave my mom a call. While we talked, I made an offhand comment that all my friends back home must miss me. She knowingly asked if I meant my Sims and my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24288

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By anon - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, my father got out of rehab for his alcoholism. This would be great if he hadn't started drinking the moment he got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11806

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685

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By kibblegirl

Today, I was so hungry that my mouth started watering during a dog food commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1380

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258

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By Anonymous - United States - White Plains

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38653

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5278

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By Fucked - United States

Today, my dog found my marijuana pipe and the bag it was in and brought it to my parents. FML

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14514

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40672

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that my anger problems have gotten out of hand, when I shouted "Fuck you!" at my toaster. My mood swings and loneliness have also reached a new high, evidently, as my next actions were to apologize to the appliance and then continue talking to it. FML

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50192

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9744

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 15:00

Cleanliness is next to someone else

Today, we got new seats in my English class; I was seated next to a boy that I don't know very well. When I sat down, he informed me that he is "opposed" to brushing his teeth. I thought he was kidding. Then he started breathing with his mouth open. These are our seats for the rest of the year. FML

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1685

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By TheThirdWheel

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend of 2 years and my best friend of 10 years making out in my bedroom. I stared and when they noticed me, my boyfriend didn’t even bat an eye and suggested we have a threesome. My best friend immediately agreed. FML

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6127

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623

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By kylie

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

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1157

You deserved it

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By AkaiKitsune

Today, I went to explore a beach that was rumoured to have big crabs on it instead of the usual small tide pool crabs. I found out that the rumours were true went I went to flip over a rock, which was in fact not a rock. I now have to explain to a doctor how I ended up needing stitches again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3826

You deserved it

1215

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By Ian Artis - United States

Today, I walked too close to a first-aid kit sticking out of a wall at work, and it cut my arm. Laughing at the irony, I opened it to get a band aid out. It was empty. FML

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29768

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By lilshoobydoo14 - United States

Today, I met a guy that I liked. We really hit it off, that is until his parents walked by and he started begging them, down on his hands and knees, to buy him a new video game. FML

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32315

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By Anonymous - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18847

You deserved it

1900

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By faceless_sailor8 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

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29583

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 19:58 - United States - Mountain View

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

Today, my entire family was diagnosed with COVID. My son's school decided I was well enough to homeschool him on Zoom all day. My head feels like it’s going to explode and all I want to do is sleep. Did I mention my ADHD son has no symptoms? FML

I agree, your life sucks

850

You deserved it

117

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By Anonymous - United States - Statesboro

Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32327

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5460

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By leah - 7/1/2021 14:01 - United States - San Jose

Cruisin' for a bruisin'

Today, I was beaten up by a complete stranger for “giving her a dirty look.” I can’t see my own face. FML

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771

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By theshameofit - Cyprus

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

I agree, your life sucks

20756

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42128

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By mcpeepants - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36176

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2675

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By Anonymous - Germany - Augsburg

Today, I was awkwardly taking a dump at work, when a coworker in another stall started talking shit to me about our boss. I grunted and agreed, hoping he'd shut up and leave me alone. That's when a third guy sarcastically chimed in with insults from a third stall. It was our boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34815

You deserved it

11165

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML

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25017

You deserved it

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By Shelle - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35000

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2747

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By shecrieseverytimeIremindher - United States - Oregon City

Today, I looked at the revenue from my Etsy shop. After hours and hours of hard work, I was ecstatic to find that I made about $560 so far. That is, until I remembered that it all went to my mom's bank account and I paid all the fees out of my own pocket. And yes, she won't give it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13655

You deserved it

1600

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By CheesyCasey - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37762

You deserved it

5910

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By meow - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26689

You deserved it

4479

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By Anonymous - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I went to the university pool. There was this cute lifeguard there, and every time I got out of the water I saw her looking at me so I walked up to her and asked if everything was okay. She told me she thought I was going to drown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3237

You deserved it

448

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 19:08 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Covidiots

Today, I had to abandon my shopping after a Covidiot directly sneezed all over it. He took his mask off because he was about to sneeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1034

You deserved it

164

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Today, I got pulled over for violating hands-free law and not having an updated address on my driver's license. Two days ago, I got pulled over for the same reasons. Now, I have four tickets I need to deal with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

650

You deserved it

4429

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7897240 - Monday 13 April 2020 9:55

OP, you couldn't have quietly, slyly set up a coffee date for later and "accidentally" run into him there?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7897191 - Monday 13 April 2020 6:02

Dummy!

Fuck the policy!

Hey, if you get fired, unemployment is pretty generous these days.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7897191 - Monday 13 April 2020 6:02

Dummy!

Fuck the policy!

Hey, if you get fired, unemployment is pretty generous these days.

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7897243 - Monday 13 April 2020 9:58

Um, trying to get (re-)hired in your field esp. nowadays in this current "climate" of COVID-19 ain't easy.... :-(

Ainarr | 29

#7897500 - Tuesday 14 April 2020 1:12

where in the world are people hearing that unemployment is generous in the state of this world.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7897240 - Monday 13 April 2020 9:55

OP, you couldn't have quietly, slyly set up a coffee date for later and "accidentally" run into him there?

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7897415 - Monday 13 April 2020 19:04

Pfff. I took tips and even change numbers and dates co workers even thou all those are “against the rules”. You need to do the YOLO