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The all-time greatest FMLs

By emeraldapostle - 10/11/2018 14:26

Today, while dreaming, I was thirsty and grabbed a glass of water to drink. The taste was so horrible that it caused me to wake up and realize I was drinking the isopropyl alcohol I keep on my nightstand for my CPAP machine. All Poison Control had to say was, "Uh oh." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 795

You deserved it 617

emeraldapostle tells us more.

emeraldapostle 17

Thursday 8 November 2018 23:01

Hey all, OP here. I'm fine, and Poison Control helped me out after saying, "uh oh." Now I keep my isopropyl somewhere besides my nightstand

By DepressedSigh - 27/08/2017 21:45 - Germany

Today, my considerate-to-a-fault boyfriend decided to break up with me because he felt that he made me unhappy. I spent the next 3 hours convincing him that I'm happy with him and just going through a rough patch of depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 790

You deserved it 403

By inappropes - 10/08/2017 16:00

Today, I got an angry text from a random number calling me a lying piece of shit. I then realized that was the first person to text me in weeks. I ended up having a fake argument with someone because I was so lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 788

You deserved it 588

By Dog Person Now - 31/05/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 788

You deserved it 507

Instadrama

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 20:00

Today, after suspecting that my boyfriend was cheating while I was out of town, I came across an Instagram picture of him with another girl. I found out that he told her he was single. When I confronted him in a comment, the girl’s friend replied, "He clearly likes her more than you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 788

You deserved it 603

By Samantha - 25/12/2018 02:00

Today, I discovered that my parents made a game out of my mental illness. Every morning, they have a bet on which one of them can make me cry first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 788

You deserved it 312

By Anonymous - 04/06/2017 00:00

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 787

You deserved it 383

By WeldedShut - 03/03/2017 18:00

Today, I was with a wedding party getting manicures. I absentmindedly used a freshly-painted nail to pick my nose and ended up with two beauticians scraping indestructible bright red gel varnish out of my left nostril with acetone soaked q-tips, while everyone sat waiting in complete silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 787

You deserved it 8 302

By Broke Ass Hoe - 28/12/2017 15:00

Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 784

You deserved it 610

Antivaxxers ruining things again

By Bp. - 01/01/2022 16:59 - United States - Indianola

Today, I'd finally gotten a great job working with kids who I totally loved and attached to super quickly, but the school district has told me they don't have space for me anymore because they caved to local pressure and hired back the anti-vaxxer, and now are overstaffed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 783

You deserved it 305

Where's my shit?

By Still No Phone - 21/05/2017 12:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I checked for the third time this week if my package that 'arrived' five days ago had been found. Not only was it a different employee at the concierge desk, meaning I had to explain everything again, but they told me the same bullshit about how it's "not their fault". The package is my new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 783

You deserved it 330

It's a doggy dog world

By BrokeCollegeStudent - 30/06/2017 18:00

Today, I got a call from my mom-in-law saying I have to buy my own food. I took 3 weeks off on unpaid vacation and came out of state to watch my in-laws' house and dog sit while they go out of country. I'm not allowed to touch their food, even the spoiling stuff. My husband doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 782

You deserved it 372

By deuceaddict - 03/11/2017 21:00

Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 782

You deserved it 308

By nabru - 06/07/2018 15:00

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 782

You deserved it 325

Shame on you!

By Bjax - 11/10/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 782

You deserved it 398

Quickie

By tina - 22/11/2019 20:00

Today, I finally had sex with my new boyfriend, well… penetration anyway. Turns out, he has premature ejaculation, and no idea how bad at sex he is. He actually thought he did a good job by lasting 20 seconds. He was done after 4 thrusts and was somehow confused. I didn't orgasm either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 781

You deserved it 419

By idontunderstand - 07/05/2018 19:00

Today, my father has been unemployed for 8 of my parents' 25 years of marriage, and my mom still supports him. I've been unemployed for three months and my mom is kicking me out. The difference is, I'm actually applying places. He just plays video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 781

You deserved it 327

By Anonymous - 08/11/2017 05:00

Today, my little sister, who's still in high school, proved beyond a doubt she's better at my computer repair job than I am. She proved it in front of my customers and my manager, who brushed me aside and offered her a job as soon as she graduates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 780

You deserved it 1 097

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

By Anonymous - 09/02/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 780

You deserved it 12 112

Cosplay? COSPLAY??

By Shoryugeki III - 07/08/2018 14:30

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 778

You deserved it 234

How sweet

By Birdman - 23/06/2018 15:00

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 774

You deserved it 826

By Anonymous - 07/10/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I was chilling with my boyfriend of 2 years when, out of the blue and with complete seriousness, he asked me if I want kids anytime soon. This wouldn't be odd if we weren't both 14 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 774

You deserved it 583

Sashay away!

By Anonymous - 12/09/2017 20:00

Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 774

You deserved it 398

By dont_shit_where_i_eat - 29/08/2017 23:15

Today, during the few free minutes I had while rushing between meetings, I grabbed a plain slice of pizza to go. I stepped outside, ready to eat and walk, when a friendly pigeon flew overhead and added a "free topping" to my slice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 773

You deserved it 285

So, are you in or are you out?

By The Fishing Pole - 15/06/2017 18:00

Today, I told my long time crush, "I love you," in an elaborate way. She replied, "What an interesting perspective." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 773

You deserved it 806

Repetition

By Ham - 14/06/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I received a letter from my college telling me that my instant tuition was revoked and I’ll have to pay almost twice as much next semester. Yesterday, I received the same letter. I guess they needed to tell me twice. It hurt just as much the second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 772

You deserved it 260

Meep Meep

By MeepMeep - 08/04/2018 01:30

Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that road runners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 771

You deserved it 469

By Anonymous - 18/05/2017 20:00

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 771

You deserved it 736

Happy Easter!

By Dummy - 01/04/2018 15:00

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 770

You deserved it 1 448

By workworkwork - 27/05/2017 20:00

Today, my boss asked me to pick up more waitressing shifts because we are short-staffed. I already work seven days a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 770

You deserved it 262

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The Top

Today, I was working my job as a waitress near my college. I handed a customer her check, and she noticed that I had added her bill wrong. I apologized, and she pointed to my "student" labeled nametag, asking what I was studying. I said English. I'm a math major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 126

You deserved it 47 100

Today, my girlfriend decided that the best place to break up with me was during a movie about two couples breaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 643

You deserved it 153

Today, at a restaurant, I was joking around trying to make my friend laugh by pretending to be a ninja. I did this by putting my napkin in front of my face. I happened to look over at another table and saw that a lady wearing a burqa was giving me the most evil glare I have ever seen in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 734

You deserved it 21 389

Today, I overheard my mom, who quit smoking years ago, saying that I am the only person who stresses her out badly enough to want to smoke a cigarette. I have never once tried to stress her out, and in fact I do everything I can to make her life easier. She works in retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 131

Today, a customer came in without a mask, and called us "liberal sheep" for wearing one. She then coughed on me when I kindly asked her to leave. She told me, "Oh well, if you didn’t wanna get coughed on, you should have stayed home with your silly sheep mask." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 314

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year-old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I gave him the gift, and he started playing with the bag it came in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 819

You deserved it 9 826