Miscellaneous: Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so... - FML

By charitableidiot - United States - Portland

Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so I decided to introduce myself to someone important. I asked enthusiastically, "So, how are you involved with all of this madness?" He frowned at me. I then remembered that this particular charity assists people with mental issues. FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Falling Down

Explain that one

By Anonymous

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

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By ForeverAlone - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss fired me for acting "inappropriately" at work. I gave him a hug. He's my dad. FML

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By rhythmbandit - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

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By ZAnon - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

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By hinting - United States - Dearborn

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

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By daddydaughterWTF - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I attended a musical. A new song was played, and I thought I'd heard it before because it sounded strangely familiar. I sang along quietly as the song progressed, positive I knew it. Anticipating the next chorus, I belted out the lyrics with all my heart. It was instrumental. FML

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By randm1 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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By WhatJustHappened - 9/10/2020 14:02 - United States

Some people just never learn

Today, as a millennial, I had to explain to a baby boomer why he needs to use condoms when having sex with his 25-year-old girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 14:00

You ass!

Today, my jerk of an ex messaged to apologize for dumping me two weeks ago. I took the high road and was overtly polite and friendly, hoping to end things civil. Our conversation ended when he casually mentioned he is moving in with his new girlfriend. FML

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By allinicolesmh - United States

Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML

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By jan420 - Norway - Moss

Today, I paid a surprise visit to my parents, after having moved out for university last year. My room had been stripped bare and all the family photos featuring me were missing from the wall. When I asked why, my mom asked me in return why I was asking stupid questions. FML

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By rachel - Germany - K?ln

Today, my little brother told me to give him my phone so he could play a game on it. I said no, because I was taking a call from a friend at the time. He then walked over to the wall, headbutted it, burst into tears, then told my parents that I punched him. They believed him. FML

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By anonymous001 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

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By Dumbass

Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I baked a chicken pot pie in the oven. I pulled it out, and noticed a big piece of tasty-looking, flaky pastry had come loose. Without thinking I ripped it off and popped it into my mouth. I HEARD the skin on the inside of my cheeks burn. FML

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By failure

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2021 20:00

Road rage

Today, I was brake-checking a Dodge Charger who was attempting to run me off. It was an undercover police car. FML

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By Eggs - United States - Port Richey

Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

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By ktm1313 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I donated blood for the first time. It wasn't until I passed out on the ice during hockey practice that I remembered the nurse warning me not to do any type of exercise. FML

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By GT716 - United States

Today, I was at work at a local hot dog chain. A child (about 10, who I've seen there before) came in to order food for his Dad. He orders very excitedly, and I told him he'd be a great worker here when he gets older. He said "oh no, my Dad says I'm too smart to work in a place like this." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my vibrator that I didn't know was missing... underneath my dad's mattress. FML

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By Anonymous

The Gush

Today, I had planned to do a twenty-minute colon cleanse enema for weight loss. Instead, I woke up in the middle of the night with uncontrollable diarrhea that’s still going strong. Eight hours and counting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, the family upstairs decided to play basketball. Indoors. At 3am. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2021 05:01

These boots are made for walking

Today, I went to a strip club for the first time ever and was about to enjoy a private dance when the stripper stepped onto my chair, between my legs, to climb up onto platform. Sexy. Unfortunately, she missed the chair and stood on my balls, full weight, without noticing. I didn't 'enjoy' anything after that. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2021 00:30 - Netherlands

Take what you can get

Today, I got the most action I've had in about 3 years when my dentist pressed her boobs against the top of my head to fill my cavities. I really need to get me a girlfriend. FML

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By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

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By Zoey_M - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my grandmother. Turns out my father found out about my elopement with my husband through my stepmother, because someone she works with told her. We were planning on it being a surprise, and telling people on Christmas. My father won't even talk to me now. FML

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By Predator - 21/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Such a healthy environment

Today, on my first full day on Marine Corps boot camp, my drill instructor pulled me and another kid in front of 200 other recruits to vote on who was uglier between the two of us. I won. FML

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By criminal tit offender - United States - Bessemer

Today, I went skinny-dipping with my friends. At one point, I jokingly pointed out how one of them had the smallest boobs of us all. She calmly got out of the pond, dried herself, scooped up our clothes and phones, and drove off in her car. The cops she called arrived soon after. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the shower and had just finished washing my face. When I put the soap down I noticed a curly, black hair stuck to it. Im blond. The only other person who uses that bathroom is my uncle. I just rubbed my uncle's pubic hair all over my face. FML

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By ren - United States

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML

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By not helping - 17/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Co-parenting

Today, I confiscated my daughter’s tablet, phone and laptop after I caught her exchanging nudes with boys. My ex then called me in a rage, threatening to take me to court over “stealing his belongings” since he purchased them. No concern for our daughter’s behavior, just him wanting the stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML

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By Oh - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

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By WIIslave - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

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Top comments

By lonelyfreak_fml | 17

#5966673 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:59

That's crazy talk...

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5966672 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:58

Ouch. Hopefully they weren't too mad

COMMENTS

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5966672 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:58

Ouch. Hopefully they weren't too mad

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5967411 - Saturday 7 June 2014 4:44

Anthrax - Mad House...

Reply

\ | 28

#5967670 - Saturday 7 June 2014 9:34

That was insanely inappropriate.

#56 Ooh can I mention a song too?
"I Need Help" - Hopsin

By lonelyfreak_fml | 17

#5966673 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:59

That's crazy talk...

Reply

Wolvander88 | 19

#5966804 - Friday 6 June 2014 13:18

OP sounds a lot like Phil Dunphy.

Reply

Applesarefum | 9

#5966988 - Friday 6 June 2014 18:07

You win #2

Reply

mattrd_fml | 31

#5967065 - Friday 6 June 2014 20:13

#28 I can no longer read this FML without picturing OP being Phil Dumphy. lol

By joea21 | 21

#5966674 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:59

Honest mistake, at least you didn't say anything worse than that.

Reply

girI | 20

#6039382 - Saturday 16 August 2014 12:46

Struggling to think of something worse...

By noobsatin | 19

#5966675 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:59

could've played it cool and said you meant it as a good kind of madness.

By gracehi | 31

#5966680 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:02

I think a have a solution to your predicament.

Step 1) Take a seat
Step 2) Firmly grasp foot
Step 3) Open mouth
Step 4) Insert foot into mouth

Try that, OP. It's just CRAZY enough to work!

Reply

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5966687 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:06

Is there a pun somewhere in your comment? I don't see one; I must be losing it.

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5966690 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:09

A pun? Mmmm... No. Not intentionally anyway.

By BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5966681 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:04

Ah, the 'ole slip of the tongue; providing FMLs since 2010.

Reply

Liamj774 | 36

#5966964 - Friday 6 June 2014 17:34

*2009

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#5967113 - Friday 6 June 2014 21:44

*2008

By IllestRated | 17

#5966682 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:04

I think his secret is out

By ckerane | 16

#5966684 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:06

I guess youll be donating alot of money

Reply

chuksnwali | 34

#5966904 - Friday 6 June 2014 16:00

He better.

By papayeya | 18

#5966685 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:06

TlNext time think of what u r about to say before u do.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5966903 - Friday 6 June 2014 16:00

or before you comment to FML

By arianenv | 5

#5966686 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:06

Madness? This is Sparta!

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5966693 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:13

Funny. I thought this was SPAAAAAAAAAARTAAAAAA!!!! Must have taken a wrong turn somewhere to end up here in Sparta instead.

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5966746 - Friday 6 June 2014 11:10

No, this is Patrick!