Miscellaneous: Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so... - FML

By charitableidiot - United States - Portland

Today, I went to a fancy charity dinner. I'm a schmoozer, so I decided to introduce myself to someone important. I asked enthusiastically, "So, how are you involved with all of this madness?" He frowned at me. I then remembered that this particular charity assists people with mental issues. FML

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Instadrama

Triage

And today, on Dr Phil…

By CanadianEH

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

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By Reaper - South Africa

Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I love her. She said: "me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!" FML

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By Kim422 - United States

Today, I gave the toast at my sister's wedding which was outside. Before I started, the wind blew up my dress and wouldn't let up. Instead of giving my heartfelt speech, I spent five minutes fighting with my dress as 130 people pointed at my floral-printed underwear and laughed loudly. FML

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By studentdriver828 - United States

Today, I got my drivers license suspended until I am 18 for driving without a license. Where was I driving to? My last day of Drivers Ed. The high school where I take Drivers Ed. classes at is across the street from my house. I gave up 3 years of driving to drive 100 feet. FML

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By The nice guy finishing Last

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

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By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 23/12/2020 22:58

Slow

Today, my fiancé told me he loved me just the way I am. But admitted he wished he had met me before my head injury that made me "slow." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southampton

WTF VHS?

Today, a teacher asked me to edit a video of her class. Unfamiliar with cameras that work with video tape, I accidentally recorded over her video. The footage is impossible for me to get back. FML

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By in_hardik - United States

Today, at my workplace, I saw a system crashing. I mean literally, my manager was throwing my colleague's laptop at him while shouting around the office. This is only my second day. FML

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By moms know best??? - Canada - Morinville

Neat

Today, I received some unwanted anal sex tips. They were unwanted because I'm not into anal sex, and the tips came from my drunk mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

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By betrayed - United States - Portland

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

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By holyshitsnacks - Canada - Woodstock

Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML

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By thissucks - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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By lk07

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

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By Holyguacamoly - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

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By dicksonthebrain - United Kingdom

Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

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By sweetsixteenyay - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother who passed last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By dck128 - United States

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss called me into his office and bitched me out for a good half hour for my attitude to our customers. Apparently I always look pissed off and sound sarcastic. That's just my face at rest. FML

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By "liisiuu"

Today, I went on a date with a guy who turned out to be my older brother's friend. In the middle of the night we were drunk and got stuck in my room after the key broke inside the lock. My brother had to help my date climb out of the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Missouri City

Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML

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By queen_lol - United States

Today, I was at a party at my boyfriend's house. As I was walking past him, he pulled me onto his lap and started introducing me to a childhood friend. I sneezed and accidently peed on him. I'm 6 months pregnant and can't control my bladder. FML

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By Shianna - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

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By slukaa - United States

Today, for the first time in over a year, my mother actually called me. I excitedly picked up the phone. All I heard was rustling; her purse dialed me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad decided I was too hairy and taught me to shave. This would be a great bonding experience if I weren't a girl. FML

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By stolen - United States

Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML

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By khaoslife - United States - Louisville

Today, I had to have a cervical biopsy. The doctor said I would feel slight cramping as she scraped cells from inside the cervix. I guess by "slight cramping" she meant I would shit, throw up, and then pass out. FML

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By How strange - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was in the kitchen, he got three text messages, all of which were from "Babe 2", "Babe 3", and "Babe 4". FML

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By OytoBeAfather - United States - Nesconset

Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML

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By Tristan - 30/7/2020 02:01

Send message

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

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By carriageway - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

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By eternal

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

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By Notorch - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I went to see a once-in-a-lifetime moment when the Olympic torch passed through my town. I waited for 3 hours only to get a bruise from a man shoving me out of the way at the exact moment it went past. FML

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By Joy - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was on an airplane and had to go to the bathroom. The guy next to me was asleep and blocking the aisle. I tapped him on the shoulder, and he responded by punching me in the stomach. FML

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By KoNi - France

Today, my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Framingham

Today, my fiancé pawned off my engagement ring so he could buy himself a PS4. FML

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By Brooke - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

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Top comments

By lonelyfreak_fml | 17

#5966673 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:59

That's crazy talk...

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5966672 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:58

Ouch. Hopefully they weren't too mad

COMMENTS

By icnburbbygrl | 23

#5966672 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:58

Ouch. Hopefully they weren't too mad

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5967411 - Saturday 7 June 2014 4:44

Anthrax - Mad House...

Reply

\ | 28

#5967670 - Saturday 7 June 2014 9:34

That was insanely inappropriate.

#56 Ooh can I mention a song too?
"I Need Help" - Hopsin

By lonelyfreak_fml | 17

#5966673 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:59

That's crazy talk...

Reply

Wolvander88 | 19

#5966804 - Friday 6 June 2014 13:18

OP sounds a lot like Phil Dunphy.

Reply

Applesarefum | 9

#5966988 - Friday 6 June 2014 18:07

You win #2

Reply

mattrd_fml | 31

#5967065 - Friday 6 June 2014 20:13

#28 I can no longer read this FML without picturing OP being Phil Dumphy. lol

By joea21 | 21

#5966674 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:59

Honest mistake, at least you didn't say anything worse than that.

Reply

girI | 20

#6039382 - Saturday 16 August 2014 12:46

Struggling to think of something worse...

By noobsatin | 19

#5966675 - Friday 6 June 2014 8:59

could've played it cool and said you meant it as a good kind of madness.

By gracehi | 31

#5966680 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:02

I think a have a solution to your predicament.

Step 1) Take a seat
Step 2) Firmly grasp foot
Step 3) Open mouth
Step 4) Insert foot into mouth

Try that, OP. It's just CRAZY enough to work!

Reply

BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5966687 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:06

Is there a pun somewhere in your comment? I don't see one; I must be losing it.

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5966690 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:09

A pun? Mmmm... No. Not intentionally anyway.

By BoltTheSuperdog | 22

#5966681 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:04

Ah, the 'ole slip of the tongue; providing FMLs since 2010.

Reply

Liamj774 | 36

#5966964 - Friday 6 June 2014 17:34

*2009

Reply

Sirin_fml | 46

#5967113 - Friday 6 June 2014 21:44

*2008

By IllestRated | 17

#5966682 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:04

I think his secret is out

By ckerane | 16

#5966684 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:06

I guess youll be donating alot of money

Reply

chuksnwali | 34

#5966904 - Friday 6 June 2014 16:00

He better.

By papayeya | 18

#5966685 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:06

TlNext time think of what u r about to say before u do.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5966903 - Friday 6 June 2014 16:00

or before you comment to FML

By arianenv | 5

#5966686 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:06

Madness? This is Sparta!

Reply

gracehi | 31

#5966693 - Friday 6 June 2014 9:13

Funny. I thought this was SPAAAAAAAAAARTAAAAAA!!!! Must have taken a wrong turn somewhere to end up here in Sparta instead.

Reply

AnOriginalName | 19

#5966746 - Friday 6 June 2014 11:10

No, this is Patrick!