By Anonymous - 12/9/2017 20:00

Sashay away!

Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML

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Family values

Banished

Night terrors

By thatstinks - 7/4/2011 03:12 - Iceland

Today, I finally found out what the weird sour smell that's been in my dorm room for a while is. My roommate's sweat. FML

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By Lilie - 17/12/2008 10:25 - France

Today, my sweetheart came round to drop off some underwear which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

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By Boarder - 1/6/2009 12:32 - United States

Today, I was riding a longboard down a hill and I fell off. I was all scraped up so I made sure to clean my wounds and put bandages on them. Turns out I'm allergic to the glue on the bandages and I have itchy hives all over and around my open wounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 03:20 - United States - Auburn

Today, I fell in the shower and the doors jammed shut. I was stuck in there for hours, waiting for my parents to come home. They had to open the door for me while I was still naked inside. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 1/8/2019 14:00

Today, the boss's arrogant son thought it necessary to demonstrate how to use a hole punch while explaining slowly how he wanted things punched. I have worked admin for years, and I'm the contracts admin, not his PA. FML

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By love_letter - 29/8/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a over a year broke up with me. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't written him a long letter about how much I love him, and that I'm so glad we're together and so glad that he promised he would always be there. He'll be getting it in a few days. FML

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By lillymean - 3/2/2012 01:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2010 19:08 - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was a conversation about Disney, which ranged from Pocahontas lunch boxes to Disneyland Paris. I don't know who was more excited; me, a 20 year old man, or the 6 year old girl I was talking to. FML

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By hurikan68 - 27/7/2010 23:25 - United States

Today, I requested two hours off for tomorrow afternoon. My supervisor and manager called me into the office to talk to me about how important it is to be in the office as much as possible. A little later, my supervisor told me that for budgeting reasons, I have to take 3 non-paid days off. FML

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By Sheliton - 18/1/2012 01:39 - United States

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

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By ew. - 17/8/2010 04:28 - Canada

Today, I learned that I was conceived on a public bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 14:22 - United States

Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML

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By lola1313 - 18/9/2013 02:17 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, I forgot my blind date's name 3 times during our conversation. FML

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By His name is now "Cunt" in my phone - 5/4/2017 14:00

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I was "angry" at him. I was angry because last night he turned off his phone and left me locked out of the Airbnb that I had paid for. Until 3 am. In a foreign country. FML

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By anon - 28/12/2019 05:00 - United States - La Puente

Explication between girl

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking this to me. FML

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By ChangoFett - 26/5/2013 06:46 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, I changed my teacher's PowerPoint picture to me making a funny face. He saw it and changed it to a picture of him, with a middle finger. FML

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By Babygirl - 17/5/2010 23:01 - France

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. Why? He said his mom didn't want us together anymore. His mom died three years ago. FML

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By notthatkinkyanyway - 13/11/2011 12:46 - China

Today, I'm on holiday with my boyfriend. Going through Chinese customs, an officer pulled us aside, removed a suspicious metal object from my boyfriend's luggage and called six other officers to have a look. It was a kinky pair of handcuffs. FML

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By WhatsThatSmell - 25/2/2011 13:25 - Australia

Today, I took a busy train into the city. I was lucky enough to get a seat. People were forced to stand in the aisle in front of me, and the person directly opposite me, whose butt was level with my head farted in my face. Twice. FML

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By drunk under 18 teenager - 19/8/2014 13:37 - Morocco - Marrakech

Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML

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By Wetarse - 15/3/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was laughing at the new granite stool sculpture our work put in the office garden. I said to my colleagues for a laugh that I'd be the first to sit on it. Turns out it was a bird bath. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 20:21 - United States - Slidell

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

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By ronnieG - 16/7/2013 16:06 - United States - Decatur

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

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By Lyingg - 5/10/2011 20:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a job interview. The only moment I impressed the interviewer was when I talked about drama. He started to talk about a play I hadn't seen, but I decided to agree on everything he was saying. Suddenly he said, "the play doesn't actually exist." I silently left the room. FML

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By emilyhendrix0414 - 28/9/2012 10:53 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old, overweight Siberian Husky tackled me because he thought that my lipstick was food. FML

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By mumfordandsonimdisappointed - 29/8/2015 05:09 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my dad how I rear-ended the car in front of me because of a particularly intense banjo solo. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2016 21:11 - United States - Lawrence

Today, my family got detained by airport security thanks to one of their dogs. It didn't even bark to indicate there was something wrong, though. It only kept smelling my dad, probably because we had our dog with us in the car on the way there. FML

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By eww657 - 16/12/2009 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

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By laydeegaga - 7/3/2010 08:13

Today, my mom cleaned my room, while doing so she found a very detailed sex book I got from an ex boyfriend as a "gift". For years I had her convinced I was still a virgin, until today. FML

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By Anonymous1221 - 21/11/2016 07:12

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

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By teach - 14/11/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, my teacher turned around from the blackboard and screamed, "Stop chewing your gum like a cow!" That wasn't so bad.--The bad part was when she realized it was me, she apologized saying, " I am sorry. You are not really a cow. I don't want to traumatize you; you're just overweight." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 17:41 - United States

Today, I was drawing while on the train, when a very good-looking woman looked at my work and said, "Wow, she's pretty. Is it supposed to be me?" She said it in a flirty tone, but before I could stop myself, I'd said "nah, it's just a generic face". FML

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By mystery - 7/12/2013 21:55 - United States - Minot

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

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By Loney - 22/4/2018 19:00

#blessed

Today, I had to let my nosy landlord into my apartment to ensure I didn't have an unapproved guest over. Why? Because she overheard me sneeze, and then bless myself. FML

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By babysitter - 6/1/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, I was on a walk when I ran into the woman whose kids I babysit. We had a quick chat, and I noticed she had just blown her driveway clean. As I left, I said "You did a nice blow job!" FML

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By Omi - 20/10/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I microwaved a cup of soup. While walking back to my desk to eat and do homework, I noticed a message that said, "WARNING: Hold cup by sides, as lid may not be secure." At that exact moment, the lid that I was holding fell off and the soup drenched my Nintendo DS, and printer. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2012 22:03 - United States

Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML

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By I can still feel it... - 24/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my contact split completely in half at a wedding. Not only did I interrupt the vows with my scream of pain, but I was only able to fish out half of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cell phone alarm buzzing. It wasn't time to wake up yet, so I snoozed it. It buzzed again, this time with "One New Voicemail." I had "snoozed" my nephew. Stationed in Iraq. FML

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By jjhach - 12/9/2014 22:27 - Canada - Aldouane

Today, while fishing my remote out from behind the couch, I found my fiancé's stash of old toenails. FML

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Top comments

By Chris Smith | 9

#7540402 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 20:02

Don't worry, it must've just been really dark at the strip club you were working at that night.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7540452 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 22:42

Maybe next time you'll remember to tuck in your balls when you go out in drag.

COMMENTS

By Chris Smith | 9

#7540402 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 20:02

Don't worry, it must've just been really dark at the strip club you were working at that night.

By acmariner99 | 23

#7540413 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 20:28

I am groot

By duckmunch | 10

#7540438 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 22:10

kmko

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7540452 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 22:42

Maybe next time you'll remember to tuck in your balls when you go out in drag.

By jfsiv | 17

#7540505 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 1:49

That! That! Dude looks like a lady!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7540527 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 3:34

Getting rid of that upper lip mustache would cause less confusion.

By lucasj2345 | 7

#7540856 - Thursday 14 September 2017 0:15

I'm just guessing you need to work on your feminine look.