By Anonymous

Sashay away!

Today, someone called out "Ma'am!" while approaching me from behind, but then said "Oops, sir!" when I turned around. I was wearing a corset and miniskirt with leggings. They were correct the first time. FML

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Empathy lives

Making connections

These people never learn

By NoPainNoGain - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. Apparently the medicines don't work on me. I woke up in the middle of the surgery and felt EVERYTHING. One of the nurses asked if I was okay, and the doctor just kept saying "Don't worry she's just dreaming", while tears were pouring down my face. FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I was at work, the Disney Store. A little boy was crying so I went over to him. After talking to him for a little while I found out he couldn't find his mother. When he became comfortable I went to help him stand up, he choked back his tears and then puked all over me from the waist down. FML

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By drfrogpepper - United States

Today, I was dumped by the guy who serenaded me with his guitar and admitted he had feelings for me. Why? Because the girl who had continuously been rejecting him for so long finally decided to give him a chance. FML

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By fmjob - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Distrito Federal

Today, I opened my heart to my father-in-law, telling him how he was a very good example for us and how his name would be great for our first born son, he interrupted, saying, "Cut the cheesy crap, now." FML

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By thanksbaby - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Easley

Today, as I walked around town I noticed some guys and even a couple of girls checked me out. When I got home later I realized they probably weren't checking me out, so much as wondering why the hell I had thick black eyeliner on only one eye. Oops. FML

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By cmzraxsn - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2020 02:01

Boundaries

Today, I walked in on my parents, who are in their late 50s, having sex. That's not the worst part, it's understandable; we all have needs. However, I walked in on them doing it on my bed. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my sister called me and asked if my boyfriend of 3 years had proposed to me yet. And now the surprise is ruined. FML

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By ReallyUniverse??

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

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By rita

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

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By Anonymous

No exit! No choice!

Today, I drove my car and suddenly I got diarrhea & shit my pants. I put a plastic bag under me to not let all the shit go through my pants and get to my seat. Then, one of my work mates saw my car and came to say hello, she saw all the shit and the plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

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By Ipickthegoodones - United States

Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML

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By KilledTheMoment - United States - Mundelein

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

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By Jessica - Romania

Today, at 21 years of age, my doctor confirmed that I am, indeed, going bald. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, even expected, if I wasn't a woman. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, my family went out to dinner at a seafood restaurant. While we were eating our food, my grandma demanded to see the manager, and loudly complained that her fish was "too fishy". FML

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By anonymous - United States - Gerald

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, saying, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship." We're supposed to get married in a month. FML

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By IneedMaury - United States - Lowell

Today, the girl who broke up with me and disappeared 6 years ago wished me a happy Father's Day. FML

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By stagedivefail - Australia

RAWK N ROLL!!!

Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I went to the dentist. My dentist kept talking to me while his hands were in my mouth. I attempted to tell him that it was difficult and dangerous to respond. My talking made him slip and slice my mouth open with one of his instruments. FML

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By aero00 - United States

Today, I was fooling around on the trampoline with this guy, when a bounce caused us to bang our heads together, knocking me out cold. FML

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By Chewy - United Kingdom

Today, after my girlfriend telling me for years that she would marry me in a heartbeat, I finally proposed. She said no. FML

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By So little trust. - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

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By Angus - France

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whisky, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

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By Gee

Today, I helped a stranger exchange 3,000 Argentinian pesos for US dollars through my bank. They gave him $3,000. The exchange rate is close to $195. My bank realized their mistake and now my bank account is -$2,805 expecting me to pay it back. All this happened before my recent paycheck came in. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my prom date and his family came over to take pictures. His dad happens to be my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By shoeaddiikt - Australia

Smurf mouth

Today, I was in an exam and was chewing the end of my pen, stuck on a question. My mouth filled up with ink. I wasn't allowed to leave, so I had to sit for another hour with a foul-tasting blue tongue and a half-working pen. FML

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By gotmon3y - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

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By Why me. - United States - Kent

Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

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By Frustrated

Today, I couldn't convince my grandmother that no matter how much she called AT&T, they will not come and fix her dead computer. FML

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By hugme101 - Canada

Today, after a long time convincing my parents that my boyfriend is really a good guy, not only did he decide to come by the house completely drunk, but he also ended up trying to kiss my mom, thinking it was me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, for my 18th birthday my mum gave me a black lace thong. I'm a guy. FML

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By oxbbabexo - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for 4 years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML

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By workerbee - United States

Today, I was on a conference call in my office with the door closed. I let out some loud farts and felt liberated. Forgot my phone was NOT on mute. There were only 3 people on the conference call - including me. FML

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Top comments

By Chris Smith | 9

#7540402 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 20:02

Don't worry, it must've just been really dark at the strip club you were working at that night.

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7540452 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 22:42

Maybe next time you'll remember to tuck in your balls when you go out in drag.

COMMENTS

By Chris Smith | 9

#7540402 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 20:02

Don't worry, it must've just been really dark at the strip club you were working at that night.

By acmariner99 | 25

#7540413 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 20:28

I am groot

By duckmunch | 10

#7540438 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 22:10

kmko

By Donut_Wizard | 23

#7540452 - Tuesday 12 September 2017 22:42

Maybe next time you'll remember to tuck in your balls when you go out in drag.

By jfsiv | 17

#7540505 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 1:49

That! That! Dude looks like a lady!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7540527 - Wednesday 13 September 2017 3:34

Getting rid of that upper lip mustache would cause less confusion.

By lucasj2345 | 7

#7540856 - Thursday 14 September 2017 0:15

I'm just guessing you need to work on your feminine look.