By owngoalscored

Overreaction much?

Today, I was watching a movie that had a mild sex scene in it. My mother walked in just as that scene was starting and she flipped out. I'm now grounded. She's taken my TV and laptop out of my room and refuses to let me see my boyfriend because she's sure he's the cause of my "disgusting behaviour". FML

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Messed up

Vulture

Seize the means of production

By jazzyfizzle - United States

Acting 101

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

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By rosesareyellow - United States

Today, I dropped my phone in water, and my friends told me to put it in rice to draw out the water. They put my phone in riceroni. My phone now smells like chicken and has rice seasoning stuck all over it. Needless to say it still doesn't work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

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By Iknoweverything - United States - Mankato

Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML

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By failure461 - United States

Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

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By Bleach dat Blood

Panic!

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

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By monkeyzz - United States - Sonora

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out on his deck out back. When leaving, I heard the sliding glass door open on the upper deck, I froze in the yard to not be seen. Too bad I didn't move. Apparently his dad pees off the deck at night. I had to walk home covered in pee. FML

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By Jess

Today, I called a doctor's office for a referral. I was in public, so when she asked me what type of issue I had, I mumbled that I had a vaginal issue. After painstakingly having to repeat this several times, she said she was asking what kind of insurance I have. FML

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By tallvet

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

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By Dizzie Rascal - United Kingdom

Today, I made spaghetti bolognese for three people. Of those three people, only one got food poisoning. Me. FML

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By kippis05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

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By thanksbro - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

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By zl5 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Latrobe

Today, while refereeing a soccer game, I was accused of being racist, blind, and a fascist by spectators. The game was played by a group of third graders. FML

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By slcbabii23 - United States

Today, I realized how much I'm on the computer. I tried to "CTRL+Z" on something I wrote down on my paper. FML

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By lostvideo - Israel

Today, I realized that I hadn't seen my video camera in a while. After searching for several minutes in my room, I remembered that I had given it to my dad to hide before our month long trip (so even if someone broke into the house the video camera would be safe). He's forgotten where he hid it. FML

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By steffansk1997

Today, I had an appointment with the CEO of a big company about a game I'm going to make for them. The first thing I did after sitting down was to throw my coffee all over his desk. FML

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By ray - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother asked my live-in girlfriend if she's had any problems with me peeing the bed. I haven't wet the bed since I was seven and I'd hoped to take that secret to my grave. FML

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By AnAngryyGiraffe - United States - Chatsworth

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 02:02

Helping hand

Today, its been so long since I've been single, I’ve reached the age where I need Viagra just to masturbate since there’s no woman in my life to save the pills for. FML

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By Whipped Cream - United States - Charlotte

Today, I took a picture of myself wearing a whipped cream bra with cherry nipples, captioned, "I hope you enjoyed your dinner, now how about some dessert???" I meant to send it to my fiancé. I sent it by mistake to my dad. FML

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By notmyfam - Australia - Chester Hill

Today, my boyfriend stood me up. At dinner with his parents. FML

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By Bad Child?

Today, as I was brushing my teeth, I heard my mum praying to God to help her "get rid of such a stupid child". I have no idea what I've done wrong, and she's refused to talk to me all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 20:01

Creepy

Today, I had a huge argument with my wife because I declined a lunch invite with a married couple who live nearby. My wife has severe social anxiety, so having a friend nearby is a huge win for her. What my wife doesn’t know is that her new friend keeps hitting on me, and has already sent me unsolicited nudes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

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By bigcityfail - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment building has two new tenants: my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé, the guy she cheated on me with. FML

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By flatfoot - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I discovered the crunching noise your foot will make if you accidentally drop a cement block on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommates gathered together to tell me that they all took turns spitting in my drinks in the fridge, all because I told on them for smoking pot in the apartment. FML

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By Boner Ben

Today, I found out that the play I'm doing requires me to strip naked and get an erection for a few scenes. It didn’t come up in rehearsal and the play starts in 2 days. I'm not sure how to tell my family who are coming from out of town that my first role involves me playing with my boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, a coworker filed a complaint against me, all because I ate a banana at lunch, which he claimed is "threateningly sexual", whatever the hell that means. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store. I saw a very cute guy in the aisle and smiled. He smiled back and blushed a little. He walked over and I flirted with him. He said, "I thought you should know the zipper on your jeans is down" and walked away. It was. FML

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By magomag - United States - Fair Lawn

Today, I learned if you type my full name in Google Images, the 3rd thing that comes up is a naked woman in ropes. Someone on Pornhub thought it was smart to comment that the girl looks just like me. She does. Now my parents think I'm a porn star, and most people at school stopped talking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I've been driving for almost two years and still get excited when I park between the lines on my first try. FML

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By Teaching26 - United States

Descriptive

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

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By lmaofuck - United States - Westerville

Today, I had a guest at my house. I stood up to shake her hand and kiss her on both cheeks, which is common in my culture. When she was kissing my cheeks, I went the opposite way from her and I ended up kissing her on the lips instead. Her eyes went big and I ran away. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7694129 - Sunday 16 September 2018 6:19

Remind her how you came into existence in the first place.

By real life problems | 26

#7697722 - Saturday 22 September 2018 23:19

I was watching Spartacus and had my mom walk in right as they were showing 2 guys having sex. That was fun to explain

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7694129 - Sunday 16 September 2018 6:19

Remind her how you came into existence in the first place.

Reply

Chazzster | 21

#7697772 - Sunday 23 September 2018 1:32

I am guessing that it was Mom’s own experiences that caused her to overreact in the first place - So I’m not so sure reminding Mom that sex has been around for a while would help. Unfortunately some parents are so sexually constipated they are unable to picture their daughter or son ever being ready for sex.

By real life problems | 26

#7697722 - Saturday 22 September 2018 23:19

I was watching Spartacus and had my mom walk in right as they were showing 2 guys having sex. That was fun to explain

By raven_of_azarath | 34

#7697734 - Saturday 22 September 2018 23:51

She didn’t even give you a chance to show her what you were watching and the rating of it?

By Charlie Given | 23

#7697735 - Saturday 22 September 2018 23:54

Umm has your mom no respect has she ever heard of knocking on a door first and does she think it's the 1950's 🙄😒

By kazekai8 | 11

#7697740 - Sunday 23 September 2018 0:03

Is your mom one of those Christian parents?

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#7698165 - Monday 24 September 2018 0:00

That was my very first thought too.

By Emma Marshall | 19

#7697745 - Sunday 23 September 2018 0:22

How old are you?

By Phillycheeze | 20

#7697767 - Sunday 23 September 2018 1:23

Sounds like your mom needs to get laid

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7697783 - Sunday 23 September 2018 2:25

At least you didn't get caught watching an anime with females groping each other.

By Tony Friddle | 11

#7697787 - Sunday 23 September 2018 2:35

change her ringtone to something porn related.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7697823 - Sunday 23 September 2018 6:36

tell her to get her head out of the bible and wake up for once