Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML
Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML
Today, I snooped around my parents' room looking for hidden Christmas presents. The only hidden things I found was a whip, two ball gags, several other sex toys, and a load of newspaper clippings about the JFK assassination. What the fuck? FML
Today, I was hanging out with a guy for the second time, and he was helping me buy a Christmas present for my dad. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, he was gone. He left me alone and took my dad's present with him. FML
Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML
Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service our company recommends, I accidentally downloaded a virus that is now working its way through our website, randomly sending our customers Viagra ads via our email. I personally had to tell the founder of the company. FML
Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no other choice but to walk home. I got to my house and realized I'd left the front door key and garage clicker in my car 5 miles away. FML
Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML
Today, it's my 25th birthday and all of the friends who promised they could come had excuses why they couldn't make it. Now I'm at the bar, alone. FML
Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my mother felt the need to remind me not to fall in love with a fictional character. After laughing and reassuring her that I knew the difference between fiction and reality, she replied, "You know, honey, sometimes I'm not so sure." FML
Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML
Today, I was playing with my four year-old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML
Today, while driving to work, I stopped to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honked their horn, so I drove slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pulled into the car park and noticed the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML
Today, I finally managed to sleep, after two days of being kept awake by the miniature floodlights my neighbors have installed to scare off burglars. Only a couple of hours into my sleep, I woke up to the sound of their car being broken into. FML
Today, in the middle of a localised drought, and an accompanying hosepipe ban, my mother has decided that she still needs to water her lawn. To balance out the water usage, she's placed a complete ban on the use of our shower until the weather lets up. FML
Today, I finally got a job so I could stop missing out on going out with my friends every weekend. Turns out I work only Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, and there's no way around it. FML
Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML
Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML
Today, my cat played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML
Today, I was walking on my crutches towards the bus through the rain. The bus driver looked into my eyes, punching the button to close the doors while I was still a few meters away. As he drove off, he kept his eyes on me, while I had to wait for another 15 minutes for the next bus in the rain. FML
Today, I accidentally ran a stop sign. It wouldn't have been so bad if the stop sign hadn't been in a traffic cop's hands. FML
Today, for the third day in a row, my 10-month-old is refusing to eat any of the meals that I prepare for him. He will however eat anything semi-edible lying on the floor, cat kibble included. FML
amusedslovenia tells us more.
OP here... My son is 10 months old. I'm really at my wits' end. He had been a good eater from the start, unlike his older brother who I couldn't get to eat anything either. I set out to feed my kids all organic, home-made, fresh and so forth. I gave up with my first after having spent literally hours a day preparing healthy, nutritious and yes, tasty foods that he wouldn't touch beyond a spoon or two. My two year old grew fine on very little food and now eats the same we do. My younger. however, is tiny for his age - he wears clothes for 3mo (but developing normally, thank God, and the pedi's not concerned). I can only get him to taste a spoon of something and then it's over. But anything he picks up from the floor (bread crumbs, and yes, cat kibble (food), he will eat. And scream when I take it away from him. Maybe he's on a strike or teething or... I don't know. Maybe I should start placing food on the floor for him LOL.
Today, I realised there's a reason that no one talks to the weird guy from choir practice. I was nice to him a couple weeks ago and now he won't stop following me around the school and watching my group at lunch from behind a pole. FML
Rainbow_Rhinos tells us more.
OP here. My friends and I checked him out and he has a history of doing the same thing to girls in his own grade (he's a year below me). He bugs them online and invites himself into their lunch group, as well as watching from behind poles. He isn't very physically threatening, so no one sees him as a threat, but more of an annoyance. And very creepy. I'm not rude to him, but I don't want to encourage the behaviour so I just ignore it. When he comes over to our group we start talking loudly about bras or tampons and he wanders away soon enough.
Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML
Today, on my day off, despite working a night shift the night before I was up early to clean and cook all day to spoil my boyfriend. At 10 p.m. when I finally settled down into the bathtub, my phone rang. It was work, asking where I was for my shift. I didn't have the day off. FML
MadelynGraceS tells us more.
This was my post! To clarify, I worked a night shift and woke up early in the morning. I guess someone told my work ( I work at a hospital) that I was covering their shift so I was supposed to come back in that night but never heard about it. People change schedules without notifying everyone a lot lol. And that would suck! if my boyfriend called to break up with me I'd just get out of the tub and go beat him up since we live together :p
Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML
Today, my doctor called with my test results, which seem to tell him that there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. I'm still sitting here with an appendage that I'd swear was dispensing napalm, but now I have a $500 bill to go with it. FML
Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML
Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "The Virgin Cave". FML
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