Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no...

By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 07:29 - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no other choice but to walk home. I got to my house and realized I'd left the front door key and garage clicker in my car 5 miles away. FML

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Miscellaneous

Work name

No one likes a smart-ass

Who's a good boy?

By peepa - 10/9/2017 04:30

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 11:04 - India

Today, I left my brand new iPhone on the counter, and went to get its cleaning cloth. My grandmother saw a mosquito, and used my iPhone as a fly swatter. I now have a broken iPhone. Good news though: no more mosquito. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2011 13:04 - United States

Today, the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with posted pics of them kissing on Facebook, and tagged me in them. FML

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By Cindell Hanson - 2/3/2020 05:00

Kids these days…

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2012 02:36 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year old boss's new breast implants. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2015 04:42

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML

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By tanya - 25/10/2010 12:32 - Canada

Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was of the toilet, with the caption: "This is what Taco Bell does." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2018 15:00

Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

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By guy - 15/3/2013 05:31 - Canada - Port Coquitlam

Today, I met my mom's fiancé. He's a nice guy, he's also my wife's dad. I'll soon call my wife my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2017 16:00

Today, I got a phone call from my boss, who'd hired me after two months of waiting and begging for this position. A week into the job, the company is closing our store. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2013 19:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out why my daughter eats so many sugary baked goods. According to her, when you bake things, all the sugar and calories are "released" and so you can't gain weight from it. It seems I raised a moron. FML

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By MrOh - 9/8/2011 17:29 - Canada

Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML

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By internetadvice - 1/4/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out that she wasn't really in love with me. She got that advice from an internet survey. FML

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By Shaun - 16/6/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. While biking on the road, I gave a hand signal for turning left. A car passing the opposite way veered towards me and attempted to give me a high five. I now have cuts all over my body and my bike is in two pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2016 07:29 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By okay - 22/7/2015 04:58 - United States - Woodstock

Today, a customer complained he never got his sandwich, even though I put it in the oven, dressed it up and served it to him. When I went to clear his table off, I saw the sandwich basket. We had to give him his money back. FML

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By goddamn chicken subs - 24/3/2016 16:51 - United States

Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML

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By BangBangBzzz - 15/12/2015 22:01

Today, I went for a much needed relaxing massage. As I lay down, the renovation works in the next building started up. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2015 12:14

Today, my pregnant girlfriend and I moved into our first home together, signing a 1-year lease. Less than 12 hours later, we've discovered that the place is infested with cockroaches and we have a mouse. The landlord won't let us out of the contract. FML

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By Busted - 21/10/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend, and things were getting pretty heated. Trying to be sexy, I told him that every time we touched was a guilty pleasure. He rolled off of me, and said "Oh, you're married too?" FML

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By supervisor - 6/11/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

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By notnicefools - 29/5/2012 02:51 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went to visit my husband's grave. I was unable to mourn in peace because some teenagers were smoking pot and talking about a government conspiracy "to change the way gravity works" on the next grave over. FML

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By HeMayHaveSomeIssues - 28/2/2014 20:01 - Denmark

Today, I left for work. Halfway to my car, my neighbour's son jumped out and emptied a bucket of water all over me. The little pissant screamed with laughter and ran back to his house. His mum's reaction was essentially "kids will be kids" and slamming the door on me. FML

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By jumpedjogger - 14/9/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By cerulean - 10/10/2017 01:30

Today, a nurse berated me for not being able to lift my leg myself so she could put a cast on. My leg is broken in two places. FML

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By mummer11 - 15/11/2013 17:49 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

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By ROBERT - 8/8/2013 18:52 - United States - Cresskill

Today, I actually had to explain to two of my friends that neither Alaska nor Nebraska are in Canada. I think I need new friends. FML

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By yankeeboy123 - 12/1/2015 05:03 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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By dumbgirl4lyf - 1/10/2012 18:24 - Ireland - Monaghan

Today, I finally realized how stupid I am, when I answered a question correctly in class and my teacher started clapping and cheering. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2014 20:04 - Cura?ao

Today, I read a book by a former client who did time for fraud. She swears she's innocent, and blames everyone for her "ordeal": the police, court, judge, and me, her own attorney. She conveniently forgot to mention her two full confessions, one of which was given before the judge. FML

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By CandyCrushAddict - 21/9/2013 15:09 - United States - Wilson

Today, while having sex with my wife, my Candy Crush addiction hit me full force, and all I could do was think about possible moves I could make in the level I'm stuck on. FML

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By Anaconda - 7/3/2017 14:00

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

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By Angela17 - 24/10/2018 05:00

Today, it's 3:42am and my son is crying because I won't let him play with his dirty diaper. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 16/4/2011 00:52 - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2015 17:44 - United States - Riverside

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2016 05:52 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my colon got perforated during a routine colonoscopy. Apparently, it's a rare complication and I have no legal recourse. So now I'll need to use a colostomy bag for the next 6 months until I can get surgery to fix their mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2016 13:20 - United States - Lynchburg

Today, a classmate found out I have a boyfriend. He said, "Really? YOU??" FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2011 12:40 - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By willywonks - 21/3/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I went over to surprise my girlfriend of two years with flowers and dinner at her apartment. After I knocked, a handsome young man answered the door. Thinking I had the wrong apartment, I apologized, only to hear my girlfriend's voice call from the background, "Baby, who's there?" FML

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By ihatelongflights - 21/8/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was on a flight coming back home. On my right was a fat monk who was snoring very loudly, and on my left there were two old women who were talking about their teenage love lives in detail. The flight was 17 hours long. FML

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Top comments

By sarah2144 | 14

#4866091 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:10

Well, at least you got a good workout! Haha.

By thawny_fml | 21

#4866100 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:11

I bet you were pretty tired after that flat effort.

Comments

By sarah2144 | 14

#4866091 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:10

Well, at least you got a good workout! Haha.

Sexy_Kisses14 | 8

#4866286 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:50

It's called a cab :p

By exotica_fml | 6

#4866096 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:11

Your fault

scrappy23 | 4

#4866339 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:05

She(or he) told u!

FirebirdF350 | 7

#4868345 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 8:51

75, you misspelt actually on your profile

mat_sib | 18

#5935904 - Monday 5 May 2014 23:25

Theres a button for that

By thawny_fml | 21

#4866100 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:11

I bet you were pretty tired after that flat effort.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#4866170 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:21

The key is to plan ahead so you don't lock like an idiot.

dinorider_fml | 4

#4866623 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:29

It's lucky OP had some spare time

Awkward_Science | 2

#4868598 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 10:42

She should've run flat-out back to her car for the keys, or she could've been in some Jeep trouble!

By karamman | 5

#4866104 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:11

I know how you feel man I've been locked out plenty of times. That's why I've taught myself how to break in and climb through my backyard windows.

NothernNightmare | 18

#4866700 - Monday 27 August 2012 19:00

You must be an expert at sneaking back in after a long night of partying, huh?

karamman | 5

#4866897 - Monday 27 August 2012 19:52

I make sure the side door is open if I'm going out :) Wouldn't wanna climb through windows at 2 am and drunk that's for sure

By Kayla860 | 8

#4866114 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:13

FYL indeed

By FuckYouScience12 | 8

#4866145 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:17

duh.

MissMae93 | 23

#4866525 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:50

First comment on FML? Way to make an impact.

supportcommand | 17

#4866630 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:30

I was thinking the same thing. Must be a newbie and just had to make a comment.

pradip | 26

#4868360 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 9:08

not many people go out with extra house keys

By Warden1986 | 16

#4866157 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:19

It's called roadside assistance. Try it sometime.

neilykins | 28

#4866359 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:11

Some people can't afford roadside assistance.

TheDrifter | 23

#4866408 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:24

Switch insurance companies, many offer it at little or no extra cost.

mollysticks | 10

#4866416 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:28

Like a good neighbour, State Farm is here.

JustDerpin | 11

#4867037 - Monday 27 August 2012 20:53

With a giant stuffed panda!

xxGheTToGumbYxx | 16

#4867046 - Monday 27 August 2012 20:57

Puking rainbows!

celine21_fml | 0

#4868666 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 11:28

Well that escalated quickly

By emeraldisle | 30

#4866165 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:20

I can't tell you how many times I've left my keys in my car. Sorry OP. You're not the only one.

By smilepatrol | 7

#4866167 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:21

I wouldn't have thought to leave my keys in the car, desperate people would still steal it.

By j_cat187 | 19

#4866178 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:23

It would be funnier if you walked back and your car was towed.