Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no...

By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 07:29 - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no other choice but to walk home. I got to my house and realized I'd left the front door key and garage clicker in my car 5 miles away. FML

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Miscellaneous

This is fine

Recycling helps

Non-baby fever

By mastermind - 1/9/2019 02:00

Today, I can add "Ferrari" to the long list of cars I’ve almost been hit by. FML

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By efff my life. - 31/5/2011 02:58 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I was driving her to a surprise party where I was going to propose. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, my husband told me the only reason we're still together is because he can't afford to move out. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2013 18:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML

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By awkward wedding - 18/10/2018 22:00

Today, a girl confessed that she's loved me for years and wants to marry me and have my children. It was my half-sister and she said it in front of everyone at a family wedding. I don't know who to be most afraid of at this point: her fiancé or my stepdad. FML

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By dragonstooth257 - 3/2/2019 12:00

Today, while on vacation with my siblings and the horde of nieces and nephews, me and hubby managed to sneak in a quickie. It was a quickie alright. Ihe first time in our marriage he blew his load after 2 strokes because he was afraid of being interrupted. FML

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By fmlTGOD - 24/8/2011 11:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

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By Username - 8/2/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I wanted to propose to my girlfriend, so I bought M and M's which I had customized with the words "Will you marry me?" on them. She ate them all without reading them. FML

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By aineroo - 5/11/2014 21:25 - Ireland - Galway

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

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By NoHamForMeThanks - 9/3/2015 02:36 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2011 03:11 - United States

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

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By - 20/1/2020 20:00

I'm in a hurry

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

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By sick of life - 23/9/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, I called in sick to work for a second day. After months of my boss trying to get me sacked by spreading vicious rumors about me, taunting me into retaliating, and generally making my life a living hell, he finally got his chance. He sent me a text saying, "yeh dont bother son ure fuckin fired." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2016 03:02 - Canada

Today I was very excited to go to the post office to claim a parcel. I didn't know what it could be, so I assumed it was a gift. It turned out to be a speeding ticket. FML

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By Makeitdance - 11/5/2014 14:46 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, a customer asked me how long our 6-inch sandwich was. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 19:11 - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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By therealkathl - 5/3/2015 13:32 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

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By NairyAGoodIdea - 15/1/2015 21:05 - United States

Today, I tried to manscape with some Nair. Nothing helps the pain. FML

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By mommymo - 16/9/2010 10:59 - Australia

Today, while tearfully telling my closest friends that I had miscarried my first pregnancy, the first thing out of their mouths was, 'So, does this mean you're going to start drinking with us again?' FML

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By Nickname - 27/8/2018 06:00

Today, I came home to find my wife and my ex-wife naked in my bed. Apparently they've been in a relationship for five months. When I told my kids, they said that they were helping to keep the secret. FML

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By Muina - 23/10/2015 11:08 - Morocco - Mekn?s

Today, I got mugged for my phone. I stupidly offered to give the guy my money if he'd let me keep my phone. He took both. FML

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By fatass - 19/2/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

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By why me - 24/10/2017 01:30

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

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By beerpong26 - 6/2/2009 19:54 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

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By Ashley Youngman - 16/6/2019 20:04

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

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By armybrat - 10/7/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap while babysitting my neighbors kids for the day. I was woken up by this obnoxious sound, only to find the youngest kid holding scissors in one hand, a pony tail of hair in his shorts jumping around like a horse, oh, and a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Jekyll - 6/8/2019 08:00 - United States - Norwell

Today, I decided that after three days, I had to cut short my hiatus from social media. I saw a correlation between that and my anxiety going through the roof, causing my work performance to suffer. I’m so addicted to social media that in my off time, I think I was having withdrawal symptoms. FML

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By Matei - 12/3/2015 00:36 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after 4 years of nicely asking, I wrote an official memo to our logistics department, asking for new chairs for my subordinates. The logistics people came and concluded that there are more broken chairs than good ones, but suggested that perhaps we should all go on a diet. FML

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By BlueBirdWings - 31/5/2019 02:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

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By same - 21/11/2015 06:39 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, my boyfriend decided to gift me soap, a razor, and deodorant for my birthday. FML

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By tracy4191 - 13/6/2016 15:27 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

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By Disgruntled - 16/3/2016 12:01 - United States - East Lansing

Today, my 2-year-old daughter started showing signs of understanding the potty training concept. She announced to my mother-in-law that she needed to go potty, only to be flatly told, "No, you don't." So she crapped herself. Now it's going to take forever to train her. FML

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By sadness - 12/10/2012 02:48 - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

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By crazyhair docare - 8/7/2019 16:00

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

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By Rants - 1/5/2019 16:00

Today, we've had some auditors with us and I chat with some of them during the day. It's Friday so I asked one of them until what time they were working. It was late and I loudly exclaimed, "That's so late! Your bosses have no hearts!" The auditor then points to their table where the boss is sitting. Glaring. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 17:43 - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

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By ugly - 3/9/2012 08:17 - United States

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

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Top comments

By sarah2144 | 14

#4866091 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:10

Well, at least you got a good workout! Haha.

By thawny_fml | 21

#4866100 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:11

I bet you were pretty tired after that flat effort.

COMMENTS

By sarah2144 | 14

#4866091 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:10

Well, at least you got a good workout! Haha.

Sexy_Kisses14 | 8

#4866286 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:50

It's called a cab :p

By exotica_fml | 6

#4866096 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:11

Your fault

scrappy23 | 4

#4866339 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:05

She(or he) told u!

FirebirdF350 | 7

#4868345 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 8:51

75, you misspelt actually on your profile

mat_sib | 18

#5935904 - Monday 5 May 2014 23:25

Theres a button for that

By thawny_fml | 21

#4866100 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:11

I bet you were pretty tired after that flat effort.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#4866170 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:21

The key is to plan ahead so you don't lock like an idiot.

dinorider_fml | 4

#4866623 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:29

It's lucky OP had some spare time

Awkward_Science | 2

#4868598 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 10:42

She should've run flat-out back to her car for the keys, or she could've been in some Jeep trouble!

By karamman | 5

#4866104 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:11

I know how you feel man I've been locked out plenty of times. That's why I've taught myself how to break in and climb through my backyard windows.

NothernNightmare | 18

#4866700 - Monday 27 August 2012 19:00

You must be an expert at sneaking back in after a long night of partying, huh?

karamman | 5

#4866897 - Monday 27 August 2012 19:52

I make sure the side door is open if I'm going out :) Wouldn't wanna climb through windows at 2 am and drunk that's for sure

By Kayla860 | 8

#4866114 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:13

FYL indeed

By FuckYouScience12 | 8

#4866145 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:17

duh.

MissMae93 | 23

#4866525 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:50

First comment on FML? Way to make an impact.

supportcommand | 17

#4866630 - Monday 27 August 2012 18:30

I was thinking the same thing. Must be a newbie and just had to make a comment.

pradip | 26

#4868360 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 9:08

not many people go out with extra house keys

By Warden1986 | 16

#4866157 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:19

It's called roadside assistance. Try it sometime.

neilykins | 28

#4866359 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:11

Some people can't afford roadside assistance.

TheDrifter | 23

#4866408 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:24

Switch insurance companies, many offer it at little or no extra cost.

mollysticks | 10

#4866416 - Monday 27 August 2012 17:28

Like a good neighbour, State Farm is here.

JustDerpin | 11

#4867037 - Monday 27 August 2012 20:53

With a giant stuffed panda!

xxGheTToGumbYxx | 16

#4867046 - Monday 27 August 2012 20:57

Puking rainbows!

celine21_fml | 0

#4868666 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 11:28

Well that escalated quickly

By emeraldisle | 30

#4866165 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:20

I can't tell you how many times I've left my keys in my car. Sorry OP. You're not the only one.

By smilepatrol | 7

#4866167 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:21

I wouldn't have thought to leave my keys in the car, desperate people would still steal it.

By j_cat187 | 19

#4866178 - Monday 27 August 2012 16:23

It would be funnier if you walked back and your car was towed.