Work: Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service... - FML

By He Hates Me... - United States - Ogden

Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service our company recommends, I accidentally downloaded a virus that is now working its way through our website, randomly sending our customers Viagra ads via our email. I personally had to tell the founder of the company. FML

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Shoulda, woulda, coulda

Bored

Power tripping

By sayno - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

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By burgerpants - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my younger sister had maxed out all three of my credit cards when I tried all three of the cards, and realized that I didn't have $5.29 to buy tampons and Advil. FML

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By TheGreatAndPowerfulDerp - 13/9/2020 05:02

Great move

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Knowing how much more it would cost in the long run, I handed the officer my license with $300 in cash, "as something to consider for just a warning." He came back with a ticket and verbally warned me that police bribery is a felony. He kept the money. FML

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By tsukinoie - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

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By busybuzzybee - United States

Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML

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By andrea99 - United States

Today, I spent an hour and a half washing my car. As I was driving down the highway, a large bird flew over my car and accidentally dropped the dead animal he was about to have for dinner. It landed on my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Porche - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend called me at work and said, "I hate to do this over the phone..." I burst into tears, thinking he was going to break up with me. Turns out he only ate my last doughnut. Now my co-workers think I'm a weirdo. FML

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By dinomite

Today, I quit my job after I overheard my boss doing a 'hysterical' impression of me telling her about my dad's heart condition. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

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By Forever alone Guy - Australia - Narre Warren

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

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By "mynameissecretlyjeff" - United States

Today, my brother put a mac-n-cheese cup in the microwave without any water. My entire house smells like burnt cardboard. FML

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By AbhorrentApplication - United States - Reston

Today, my ten-year-old sister had to write out my job application because no one can read my terrible handwriting. FML

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By Ungrateful Guy - 10/3/2021 08:01

Birthday blues

Today, it's my birthday. With all the lockdowns and curfews, my inner introvert was looking forward to enjoying a delicious meal and a bottle or two of wine by myself. My friends had other plans, namely a surprise Zoom party. Nice thought, I'm grateful for my friends, but I hate using Zoom. It went on for three hours. FML

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By thisisbad - Malaysia

Today, I was in the toilet when somebody started banging on the door loudly. I panicked and immediately cleaned my self and opened the door. As I opened the door, my brother vomited all over me. FML

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By 5220 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML

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By NewDrugs - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went back home after seeing the doctor, I told my boyfriend my new medicine might cause some mood swings. He immediately grabbed his phone and pretended to take a call, then rushed out. FML

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By Pikababy19 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I woke up and heard the shower running. Would have been nice to know my father in law was here before I walked in naked. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend asked me how I did on my test. I got an 85%. She asked me what my secret was, and I said "I'm just smart". She replied, "No you're not. How did you pull it off?" FML

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By Unlovable

Ah, puppy love…

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 14:01

The Other Woman

Today, I found out that my boyfriend’s other girlfriend is pregnant. He doesn’t know that I know. A few days ago he told me that he couldn't have a baby with anyone. She has to be the right one, I guess I wasn’t. FML

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By watch_corn_dance - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Wuppertal

Today, my coworker keeps loudly saying things like, "Oh, now THIS!" If I don't ask, "What?" she pouts. If I do ask, she tells me, at length and with very bad grammar, how every one of our colleagues and partners is either stupid, rude or out to get her. FML

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By SenescentSouthernBoy - United States

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Niles

Today, somebody kicked the crap out of my car and spray painted "CHEATER" on the sides. I've never even had a girlfriend. FML

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By Plasticface - United States

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Ed. - 20/7/2020 05:01

That Monday feeling

Today, I have to go into work for the first time since the Covid-19 lockdown. I've been working from home since March. Today was also the first time since going on lockdown that I cut myself shaving. FML

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By not on life, that's for fucking sure - United States

That went well

Today, I went to a big job interview. As I walked in, I tripped and fell flat on my face. Other highlights include my voice cracking multiple times, sweating profusely and getting uncontrollable nervous giggling. The interviewer eventually stared at me in disbelief and asked if I was high. FML

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By angry mama

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

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By Broke as a joke

Today, I received the bill for my trip to the ER months ago. Almost $1000 for a quick 2.5 hour stay, only to find out that I had bad gas from drinking far too much of the seltzer I had bought on sale. FML

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By larry_richard - United States

April Fool

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

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By maggie - United States

Today, I got a round brush stuck in my hair so badly that I couldn't get it out for 45 minutes, and had a panic attack. I had to drive through town with a brush dangling from my head, to the hair salon, and listen to them laugh while they got it out. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I received an email from my friend in South Africa, with whom I'll soon be staying for 2 months. She was telling me that she had bought me a few things so I would be prepared for my stay. What did she buy me? A taser and some pepper-spray. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Furry - United Kingdom

Today, I looked outside with a grimace at the very heavy rainfall through which I had to trudge a long way. I waited ten minutes for it to let up, only to find it was getting heavier. So, I started walking anyway. After getting soaked to the bone, I walked through my door, and it stopped. FML

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By Spider-Sham

Today, my mom volunteered me to help out at her coworker's 5-year-old son's birthday party. I didn't realize until I got there that "helping out" meant "dressing up as Spider-Man". FML

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Top comments

By alexis83188 | 24

#6440665 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:40

I'm sure he'll take the news pretty... Hard

By ellabellaboom | 24

#6440674 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:53

Looks like you're in a stiff position...

COMMENTS

By kibster9 | 20

#6440664 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:38

K

Reply

kibster9 | 20

#6440669 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:43

I down voted this by the way, it wouldn't fricken delete

By alexis83188 | 24

#6440665 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:40

I'm sure he'll take the news pretty... Hard

Reply

cole_tyler42 | 21

#6440678 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:00

It'll hit him pretty hard. OP, if your boss is still pissed after 4 hours, then he needs to consult a psychiatrist.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6440878 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 16:34

He might even use that ad to buy that stuff. Who knows

Reply

rlak111 | 19

#6441238 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 23:00

#10 deserves more up votes than that

By kibster9 | 20

#6440667 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:42

I bet that was real HARD to tell your boss... I'm bad at puns, but in all seriousness that stinks OP. I hope you can get rid of the virus and apologize to your customers and get this sorted out!

By quickit | 24

#6440668 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:43

Hopefully he doesn't take the news too hard...

Edit: Didn't see #2's comment.

By tranced_ | 44

#6440670 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:44

Did you tried turning it on and off again ?

Reply

pedopears | 18

#6441006 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 18:57

try*

By ellabellaboom | 24

#6440674 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:53

Looks like you're in a stiff position...

By odamaliekh | 26

#6440675 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:55

Don't let it get to your head, OP. Just keep on working hard! It sucks, but it'll be okay, hopefully it won't penetrate the customers fire wall!

Reply

manlytarts | 28

#6440677 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:57

Hehe, penetrate

By gosh_mate | 30

#6440680 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:05

Chin up OP, at least you have the excuse that the website was recommended to you!

By Chloe555_fml | 27

#6440683 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:07

I'm sure the punishment will be stiff. Lesson learned, a very rigid lesson learned.

By MrsPegg | 45

#6440684 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:17

Haha, that blows but is freakin hilarious at the same time. Hopefully it turns out ok for you OP. You did use a service they recommend, so it wasn't purposely malicious