Work: Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service... - FML

By He Hates Me... - United States - Ogden

Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service our company recommends, I accidentally downloaded a virus that is now working its way through our website, randomly sending our customers Viagra ads via our email. I personally had to tell the founder of the company. FML

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Out of it

The ole answer/forward conundrum

Pay up, dude

By Jamie - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

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By theawfulpresent - United States - Germantown

Today, my boyfriend tried to hypnotize me into breaking up with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

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By leahkasscar

Today, I decided to clean the whole house as a surprise for my mother. When she came home, she screamed at me and called me a bitch because she had wanted to clean it herself. FML

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By representative

Today, I was let go without warning at work. Why? Because my boss saw some comments I'd posted. Nothing I'd said was offensive or controversial, but he said he didn't care, because he didn't agree with it and didn't want me to "smear" the company name. I represent the company? I just serve coffee. FML

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By jasmine - United States

Today, I realized I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Too bad he has never once made me orgasm in the two and a half years we've been together. FML

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By Gee

Today, I helped a stranger exchange 3,000 Argentinian pesos for US dollars through my bank. They gave him $3,000. The exchange rate is close to $195. My bank realized their mistake and now my bank account is -$2,805 expecting me to pay it back. All this happened before my recent paycheck came in. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I found out that my parents used all of the college money I have been saving up for 8 years to buy a beach house. The reason they waited until now to tell me? A tree fell on it, and they need more money for repairs. FML

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By FishStampede - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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By twoface_chick - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have bad adult acne. This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's only on one side of my face. I look like a Batman villain. FML

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By GettingACat

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

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By nitwit - Greece

Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

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By norestforthewicked

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By Bartender - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By BigBlue - United States - Seattle

Today, I was texting an artist friend telling her I wanted to buy her paintings; going on and on about how much I wanted it and loved the way they looked and couldn't wait to have them. I realized my phone had corrected paintings to panties. FML

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By jackass - United States

Today, I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. I'm twenty. FML

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By SpitBreathe - 25/10/2020 14:00 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Drink it instead!

Today, I found out why the amount of mouthwash hasn't been decreasing much recently when I walked in on my dad using it and then spitting some of it back in the bottle. FML

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By mimo - France

Today, I ate at a friend's house. Her 5-year-old son, who was at the table with us, looked at me and said quietly, "You're ugly." My friend told him off, causing him to cry, and shout, "But she isn't pretty!" FML

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By not a whore! - 30/8/2020 07:05 - United States - Madison

Can't catch a break

Today my sister was complaining about all the inaccuracies in Grey's Anatomy and how it negatively portrayed nurses. I’m a massage therapist. Almost everything portrays us as cheap whores. I’ve even been propositioned several times. When I pointed this out, she and the rest of my family laughed. FML

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By 3rd wheel, 2nd dick

Today, my best friend asked if I'd join him and his girlfriend for a 3-way. Since I've always had a crush on his girlfriend, I eagerly agreed. When I got there, I learned that their idea of a 3-way was them watching me jerk off while I watched them have sex. FML

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By unwanted - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I woke up to a text from my mother-in-law saying, "Happy birthday! I hope you have great birthday sex!" I'm now afraid to go over there for dinner tonight. FML

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By JohnB - United States

Today, I discovered that nothing kills a wet dream faster than a kitten who pounces on things that wiggle under the blanket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

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By Thai rice mistake - United States - Oakland

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

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By maybe next time? - Australia - Greystanes

Today, I was participating in an activity to join a program which I really wanted to join. One of the teachers in charge seemed to notice my efforts and asked if I wanted to join the program. I said yes, thinking I had a chance. She laughed, shook her head before saying no and walking away. FML

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By Adan - United States - Monroe

Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML

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By Dead_Eye - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2021 15:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Sore loser

Today, after graduating from the same program, I was offered several jobs, while my boyfriend wasn’t. He couldn’t be happy for me, saying, "She got in with the right people, and they just keep handing her jobs," and dismissing my work ethic. FML

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By Deadbed

Today, I had sex with my wife. After we finished and were cuddling, she said, "This is the part I like." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML

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By polemania - United States

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my date took me to visit his farm. As we were walking, a wild rabbit darted past me and startled me. I tripped and fell face first into cow dung. FML

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By depressedkiwi - 15/7/2020 08:01

Weight watcher

Today, I found out my mother-in-law is trying to force me to lose weight, even though I am trying, and have a medical condition. FML

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By why - United States

Today, it's easier to buy a house than it is to get out of a gym contract. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By fluent in two, unlike you - Mexico

Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

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Top comments

By alexis83188 | 24

#6440665 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:40

I'm sure he'll take the news pretty... Hard

By ellabellaboom | 24

#6440674 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:53

Looks like you're in a stiff position...

COMMENTS

By kibster9 | 20

#6440664 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:38

K

Reply

kibster9 | 20

#6440669 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:43

I down voted this by the way, it wouldn't fricken delete

By alexis83188 | 24

#6440665 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:40

I'm sure he'll take the news pretty... Hard

Reply

cole_tyler42 | 21

#6440678 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:00

It'll hit him pretty hard. OP, if your boss is still pissed after 4 hours, then he needs to consult a psychiatrist.

Reply

vikky538 | 28

#6440878 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 16:34

He might even use that ad to buy that stuff. Who knows

Reply

rlak111 | 19

#6441238 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 23:00

#10 deserves more up votes than that

By kibster9 | 20

#6440667 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:42

I bet that was real HARD to tell your boss... I'm bad at puns, but in all seriousness that stinks OP. I hope you can get rid of the virus and apologize to your customers and get this sorted out!

By quickit | 24

#6440668 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:43

Hopefully he doesn't take the news too hard...

Edit: Didn't see #2's comment.

By tranced_ | 44

#6440670 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:44

Did you tried turning it on and off again ?

Reply

pedopears | 18

#6441006 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 18:57

try*

By ellabellaboom | 24

#6440674 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:53

Looks like you're in a stiff position...

By odamaliekh | 26

#6440675 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:55

Don't let it get to your head, OP. Just keep on working hard! It sucks, but it'll be okay, hopefully it won't penetrate the customers fire wall!

Reply

manlytarts | 28

#6440677 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 10:57

Hehe, penetrate

By gosh_mate | 30

#6440680 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:05

Chin up OP, at least you have the excuse that the website was recommended to you!

By Chloe555_fml | 27

#6440683 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:07

I'm sure the punishment will be stiff. Lesson learned, a very rigid lesson learned.

By MrsPegg | 45

#6440684 - Wednesday 21 October 2015 11:17

Haha, that blows but is freakin hilarious at the same time. Hopefully it turns out ok for you OP. You did use a service they recommend, so it wasn't purposely malicious