Work: Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

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Stealth dog

Vicious and unprovoked

Parental guilt

By CasaDeLoser - United States - Kent

Today, my kid made a new friend at school. When I asked her to describe her new friend, she said, "She looks kinda like you, only pretty." FML

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By gabess - France

Today, to amuse my girlfriend I put on her sexy nightshirt and go out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughs until one of her neighbors shouts "HELLO!" from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2021 14:01

All over

Today, after I had my wisdom teeth cut out yesterday, so of course I’m in pain. To top it off, I threw my back out today and can’t bend over. So in the end, I’m loopy from pain meds and my back hurts twice as bad as my mouth. Go figure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Venus

He who smelled it…

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By TimeWasted - 22/9/2020 14:04 - United States - Tallahassee

Out of the frying pan

Today, after I got hired on at a new job with perfect hours and pay, worked my two-week notice at my old job, now one week into new job, they let me go because they’re overstaffed and I’m the newest hire. FML

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By jojo - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By bathroomseww - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant for my friend's birthday. I went to the bathroom and heard the woman in the other stall crying. She couldn't pull her underwear up over her obese, old-lady ass because her arms don't reach that far anymore. I was the only one there. I had no choice. FML

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By Sadness - United States - Atlanta

Today, I have been home sick and depressed for so long that I just found Oreo crumbs in my belly button. FML

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By Angelica - Canada

Today, I finally got the wedding dress I've been waiting months to see. It turns out that my mom ordered the dress 2 sizes smaller than my size, this way it will be "an incentive to lose weight". FML

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By lolo - Israel - Ofaqim

Today, I downloaded a movie that I already own on DVD, because I was feeling too lazy to get up and fetch it from the living room. I think I've hit rock bottom. FML

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By SomeExplainingToDo

Today, I sent a polite yet strongly-worded email to one of my corporate clients in which I expressed my irritation at being asked the same question by the same team for the 4th day in a row. I ended it with "Regards!" but accidentally swapped the 'g' with a 't'. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 09:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Get it out!

Today, I paid movers $125 to move a couch into my house that's much too large for the space. FML

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By worksux - United States

Today, at work, my computer started acting up. I told my boss I could fix it, but he told me to call the IT department instead. Neither the IT technician or his supervisor could figure it out, so I showed them what was wrong and how to fix it. I was promptly fired for wasting 2 hours of company time. FML

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By Lilly - United States - Conway

Today, I was on a dinner date with a guy I really like. I guess I was on my phone too much because halfway through the date he sent me a text saying how much my half of the bill would be. FML

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By Rye - United States

Today, I let my friend cut my hair and after a few minutes, she looked at what she had done and then she ran out of the room, laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 04:01 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Unaware ableist

Today, I sat outside for a half hour hysterically laughing at this kid next door for constantly mooing like a cow. My mum came out to inform me the kid is severely disabled. I even mooed back at one stage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to bribe my cousin with Monster Energy Drinks and Halo 5 so he wouldn't tell my mom I snuck out to meet a boy. I'm 24. FML

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By dinkley7 - 20/3/2021 21:30

USA! FUCK YEAH!

Today, at work, I had to tell someone to put out a cigarette. He yelled at me saying it’s a free country. I work at a gas station. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it she picked it up, put it down and said "no". Then she started to eat the dessert. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

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By Victoria - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

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By anon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after coming home from an AFL match in Melbourne at about 11pm, I saw a woman asleep on the train as we neared the end of the line. Being a nice person, I went to wake her, to which she started screaming and trying to punch me. FML

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By Jilly - Australia

Today, I found out that my son had sold his house key to one of his friends for half a packet of gum. Now there is someone out there who I have never met with full access to my house. My son is 16. FML

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By flowerchildd2 - United States

Today, a creepy old guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "lick it." When I said no, he tried to convince me by telling me that "it tastes good." FML

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By canwesayfail - United States - Gloucester

Today, the only part of my Psychology final that I was 100% confident in was my name. FML

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By SIK of everything - United States

Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked. It was MY party. FML

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By TheHam - Sweden

Restrictions

Today, the school called my dad telling him they want to put me on a diet, because they're worried about my weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2021 05:59

Not quite there yet

Today, I was denied entry into Hong Kong after flying here from Canada and paying thousands of uncancellable dollars for quarantine hotel and other plans, because the immigration company fucked up. FML

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By noooooooo - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

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By upset

Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person that remembered was my creepy stalker. FML

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By Anonymous

Something smells fishy.

Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML

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By HBC - United States

Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad let me borrow his phone while I wait for mine to get back from the shop. I guess he forgot to pass the news along, because within 4 hours I'd received a picture of my mom's tits. FML

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By ripmylife - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend heard me confessing my undying love to someone while we were skyping. He's now convinced that I was talking to some other guy and had forgotten to mute my phone. I was talking to my cat. FML

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By Jesse - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time since I got my license. I have disorganized speech and occasional inappropriate emotional response. I began to laugh due to nervousness and when I tried to explain why, I was arrested because he thought I was high. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I started fixing my hair and unbuttoning a couple of buttons on my shirt, hoping the policeman would let me off with a warning. When he got to the car, he rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. I saw him walk back to the cop car gagging. FML

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Top comments

By lillypilly35 | 0

#1950579 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:19

so she saw your ass crack and then got sick because of it? she really needs to get a life or some pepto bismal or something...

By amysousa | 6

#1950525 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

aww. pull up your pants it's not the belts fault

COMMENTS

By icet911 | 0

#1950516 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:11

"today I was eating lunch when I saw this waiters hairy ass crack n hurled..fml"

Reply

eddy199427 | 2

#1950793 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:57

HA!! yea I would too I mean that says ur Fat cuz if u had a nice body then lady wouldn't care >_>

By amysousa | 6

#1950525 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

aww. pull up your pants it's not the belts fault

Reply

22cute | 17

#3282387 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:20

Really, how is this not your fault? Who else might be responsible for your own buttcrack, hmm?
Some People's ability to place blame outside themselves is just amazing.

By nicknesser | 0

#1950529 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

Keep your junk in the trunk, plain and simple.

Reply

vlbaby19 | 0

#1951398 - Monday 10 January 2011 15:42

aha y'all crazy.

By CutiePie_101 | 7

#1950533 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

You should of tighten your belt? lol

Reply

fiveonefiveoh | 0

#1950577 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:18

that's very good advice! he should definitely do that.. in the past! when the advice woulda made a difference!! ;p

Reply

truthinlies | 1

#1951162 - Monday 10 January 2011 14:42

thanks captain hindsight

Reply

goonie85 | 0

#1951663 - Monday 10 January 2011 17:00

Have. They should HAVE tightened their belt. See how correcting someone after the fact makes a difference?

Reply

TomPusslicker | 21

#1952365 - Monday 10 January 2011 22:17

the belt holds the pants up, and the belt loops hold the belt up...whos the real hero?

By jeremiah889 | 0

#1950546 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:15

4th. could nearly be first but my iPhone lagged

Reply

gooBUZZ | 0

#1950626 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:26

No one cares. And you're fifth, dumbass.

By Angel_Vice | 0

#1950548 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:15

Wear pants that fit!

Kids these days...

Reply

angelo8320 | 0

#1950672 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:31

that's alot of whales

By MagicMushrooms | 0

#1950559 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:16

Crouch don't bend?

Reply

Bosia | 0

#1953642 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 6:28

Exactly. I've learned MY lesson after my German Sheperd attempted to butt-rape me while I was picking up a penny.

By underguarded | 20

#1950561 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:16

Your belt obviously wasn't doing it's job.

Reply

FMLephant | 2

#1951435 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:00

The belt should be fired, Trump style.

By Angel_Vice | 0

#1950569 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:17

Oh, and learn to wipe.

Reply

Sheldaddy | 0

#1951186 - Monday 10 January 2011 14:50

tmi

By lillypilly35 | 0

#1950579 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:19

so she saw your ass crack and then got sick because of it? she really needs to get a life or some pepto bismal or something...

Reply

descend2rise | 0

#1952833 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 2:21

I know, right?