Work: Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

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Proactive

There's no helping some people

Please like me

By oncehipjr - United States - Dallas

Today, I found out I'm allergic to condoms. Which would be great if my girlfriend wasn't allergic to birth control. FML

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By mcdman - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

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By 4_and_20_blackbits - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while baking, I was joined by my roommate who doesn't really cook. I was making a batch of dough and she volunteered to help. After showing her how to knead, she really got into it. Afterwards, I asked why she wanted to help. "It really cleans my nails", she said. FML

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By PUA - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

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By InnocenceBlue - Australia - Perth

Today, after I've been nauseous for a week straight, barely eating or sleeping, I was going to see my doctor. She then called in sick and I can't get an appointment for another week. FML

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By Nerrh - Australia

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

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By shadowfigure - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up with some chips in my bed. I thought it was funny so I went to tell my roommate. Her response was, "That's so funny! It's a typical night out for the two of us. I wake up the next morning with a boy in my bed and you wake up with food in yours." FML

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By issue

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clearwater

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

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By Peter80 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

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By unknown - United States

Today, I called my husband, who is currently stationed in Japan, to see how he was doing. According to his girlfriend, he's doing fine. FML

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By oconron - United States

Today, I put my picture into a celebrity look alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

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By SIK of everything - United States

Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked. It was MY party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling confident enough to approach a guy by asking the bartender if I could buy him a refill of whatever he was drinking. He was drinking water. FML

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By jacey chreyest - United Kingdom - London

Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

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By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - United States

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex for our first time, my boyfriend decided to test out a theory he heard about, that conversation during sex makes it more enjoyable. His way of doing it? He looked me straight in the eye and asked "How 'bout them Brewers?" We're from Wisconsin. That's our local sports team. FML

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By lookwhereyasittin - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, it was the first day in my life that I fell into a toilet because someone left the toilet seat up. I'm a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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By I quit - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

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By Emma - United States

Today, while waiting at the park for my friend, an intoxicated tramp came up to me and asked me out. After I politely declined, he snatched the phone from my hand, threw it on the ground, screamed that I was a "two-timing whore", and staggered away. FML

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By deadfish - United States

Today, my 9 year old little sister is coming back in town with the rest of my family. She specifically asked me to feed her fish. I totally forgot until she called me 10 minutes ago to tell me she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see her fishie. He's dead. FML

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By bride2be - United States

Today, I received my first wedding present in the mail. I opened it immediately and called the sender to say thanks. She yelled at me for opening it and, because she shipped it to me by mistake, requested it back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

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By goodgrief - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

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By crimsoncon

Today, my dog nearly died when my mom fed him chocolate. After finding out dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate, she promptly grounded me for not telling her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Is this Brexit?

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

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By princev - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

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By tallesttree54

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By Kev - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By stepshart - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, my thieving, layabout stepmom planted weed in my bedroom and showed my dad. Well, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but her smirk and telling me later that I shouldn't fuck with her again seems conclusive to me. Goodbye freedom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

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By burnnotice - United States

Today, I was trying to turn on my computer and couldn't. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what was wrong when I finally called my husband for help and made him leave work. He came in, looked at the wall, and plugged it back in. The look on his face said it all. FML

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By buryuntime - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, due to my lagging browser, I accidentally "liked" a status my friend made about the deterioration of her relationship. Then, the computer froze, making it impossible to "unlike" it immediately. My friend won't accept that it was a mistake. FML

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By ruhrohraggy

Today, I got a haircut. I wanted three inches cut off. When the lady finished, she had cut off everything but three inches of my hair. FML

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By Doggy... - Australia

Today, my neighbours watched and laughed as I chased my dog around the lawn, trying to rescue the only clean pair of underwear I had in my house. FML

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Top comments

By lillypilly35 | 0

#1950579 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:19

so she saw your ass crack and then got sick because of it? she really needs to get a life or some pepto bismal or something...

By amysousa | 6

#1950525 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

aww. pull up your pants it's not the belts fault

COMMENTS

By icet911 | 0

#1950516 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:11

"today I was eating lunch when I saw this waiters hairy ass crack n hurled..fml"

Reply

eddy199427 | 2

#1950793 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:57

HA!! yea I would too I mean that says ur Fat cuz if u had a nice body then lady wouldn't care >_>

By amysousa | 6

#1950525 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

aww. pull up your pants it's not the belts fault

Reply

22cute | 17

#3282387 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:20

Really, how is this not your fault? Who else might be responsible for your own buttcrack, hmm?
Some People's ability to place blame outside themselves is just amazing.

By nicknesser | 0

#1950529 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

Keep your junk in the trunk, plain and simple.

Reply

vlbaby19 | 0

#1951398 - Monday 10 January 2011 15:42

aha y'all crazy.

By CutiePie_101 | 7

#1950533 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

You should of tighten your belt? lol

Reply

fiveonefiveoh | 0

#1950577 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:18

that's very good advice! he should definitely do that.. in the past! when the advice woulda made a difference!! ;p

Reply

truthinlies | 1

#1951162 - Monday 10 January 2011 14:42

thanks captain hindsight

Reply

goonie85 | 0

#1951663 - Monday 10 January 2011 17:00

Have. They should HAVE tightened their belt. See how correcting someone after the fact makes a difference?

Reply

TomPusslicker | 21

#1952365 - Monday 10 January 2011 22:17

the belt holds the pants up, and the belt loops hold the belt up...whos the real hero?

By jeremiah889 | 0

#1950546 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:15

4th. could nearly be first but my iPhone lagged

Reply

gooBUZZ | 0

#1950626 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:26

No one cares. And you're fifth, dumbass.

By Angel_Vice | 0

#1950548 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:15

Wear pants that fit!

Kids these days...

Reply

#1950672 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:31

that's alot of whales

By MagicMushrooms | 0

#1950559 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:16

Crouch don't bend?

Reply

Bosia | 0

#1953642 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 6:28

Exactly. I've learned MY lesson after my German Sheperd attempted to butt-rape me while I was picking up a penny.

By underguarded | 20

#1950561 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:16

Your belt obviously wasn't doing it's job.

Reply

FMLephant | 2

#1951435 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:00

The belt should be fired, Trump style.

By Angel_Vice | 0

#1950569 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:17

Oh, and learn to wipe.

Reply

Sheldaddy | 0

#1951186 - Monday 10 January 2011 14:50

tmi

By lillypilly35 | 0

#1950579 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:19

so she saw your ass crack and then got sick because of it? she really needs to get a life or some pepto bismal or something...

Reply

descend2rise | 0

#1952833 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 2:21

I know, right?