Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 06:45 - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

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Territorial pissings

Property law

Clocked

By CanStandup - 13/4/2017 22:00

Today, a very large lady was sitting down and panting as she watched me stock the bottom shelves at my store. Apparently, being able to squat down and stand back up repeatedly means I'm mocking her, and she threatened to report me to corporate. FML

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By etgohome - 26/8/2013 00:10 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I almost got run over on my bike by a truck who raced through a red light. After narrowly avoiding a collision, the car slowed down. Instead of apologizing for almost killing me, the driver stuck his head out of the window and yelled, "Nice ass!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2013 04:26 - United States - Austin

Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

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By Queerbait - 5/11/2015 06:52 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother insisted she's not homophobic, but however people only 'turn gay' because they were sexually abused, or are 'making it up to get attention'. She informed me I'm the former and my girlfriend is the latter. Uh huh. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2014 04:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML

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By Frenchgirl - 16/9/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, it was my first day at school in the United States. Being from France, my French accent is really strong. After being made fun of all day, I met someone from Montreal. I was so excited and said, "Parlez-vous Français?" And his response? "HUH?!" FML

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By stepsister - 10/6/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

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By KidCudi227 - 23/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Empathy

Today, my boyfriend sent me a bouquet of roses with a message attached. The message said, "Ever since your dog died you've stopped putting out, so I think we should break up." FML

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By SoSoRachel - 31/10/2012 21:03 - United States - Dunlap

Today, while giving a speech at work, I started sneezing. After what seemed to be the last sneeze, I went on talking. Apparently it wasn't, and I blew out my eardrum. FML

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By notagoodtime - 6/2/2016 20:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was forced to get up in front of ten swim teams, including my own, and a hundred spectators to swim 100 yards with an obvious boner sticking out of my suit. FML

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By iamnotfat - 6/2/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2019 06:01

Today, I had to stand outside the changing room while two of my coworkers had noisy sex. I just needed my car keys. FML

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By sick - 6/1/2011 12:21 - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 13:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 21:03 - United States - Newport

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML

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By MrsFart - 18/8/2018 01:30

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

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By look at the fucking universe, lady - 18/5/2013 18:44 - United States - Montgomery

Today, I spent hours debating with a lady who claimed she'd spent years "studying the big bang theory". Not only did she not know the scientific meaning of the word "theory", her killer argument was "If the big bang happened, where are the fossils?" I'm not sure whether or not I just got trolled. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 19:49 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

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By shawty - 22/8/2010 12:14 - Australia

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my Dad sent me an e-mail wishing me a "Happy 21st Birthday, sweetheart!" The message went on and on about how much he loves and misses me and wishes we were closer, and can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm 23 and my birthday is in December. FML

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By wellthisisawkward80 - 6/11/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I was attending my bachelor party. I watched a very attractive young girl dancing on a pole, giving me a seductive look. As she walked up to me, I realized it was my soon-to-be wife's younger sister. FML

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By ThisGirl - 21/8/2012 02:30 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I lost two terabytes' worth of photos to a friend's incompetence. He said he could save me some money and fix my slow computer for free. He ended up wiping the hard drive, and along with it, my photography portfolio from the last five years. FML

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By Username - 23/3/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law informed me that since she is putting money into our wedding, that all the planning and arrangements are under her authority. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 15:38 - United States

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she'd had a horrible day at work. They showed her my "hysterical" badge picture to cheer her up. FML

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By ihateyouatt - 18/3/2010 13:30 - United States

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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By aprilfooled - 2/4/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, for april fools day, my entire class decided to prank our religion teacher. During our daily meditation time, while his eyes were closed, we slowly got out of our seats and left the classroom. Two minutes later he opened his eyes, locked us out, and called the dean to give us all detention. FML

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By superdrinkingbud - 23/6/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, after having diarrhoea all week, my girlfriend dragged me to London. Expecting to not be able to find a toilet, I decided to fast for the day. We spent 3 hours wandering the food stalls of Camden market with her friends. So many free samples I had to refuse… FML

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By mishie1 - 21/2/2012 12:44 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 00:23 - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

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By mr_cheese - 22/10/2014 20:24 - United States - Seattle

Today, I discovered that if you heckle a mime, it's possible that the mime will actually kick your ass. FML

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By Host grandfather - 21/9/2018 06:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 23:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

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By ThisGuy775 - 19/9/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, my dad asked to borrow some money off me, so I said okay. Later on, he told me he'll be using it to help divorce my mom. I pretty much just helped pay for my parents' divorce. FML

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By EyesofStone - 1/6/2016 01:03 - United States

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

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By smoothmove - 26/6/2011 04:29 - United States

Today, I sprained my knee while going down on one knee to propose to my girlfriend. She laughed as I rolled in pain. I still haven't gotten an answer. FML

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By boss_daughter - 20/5/2015 12:03 - United States

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

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By kerry - 20/1/2010 05:30 - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

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By ethawesome1125 - 3/11/2014 00:11 - United States - Round Rock

Today, I found a $20 bill on the ground, so I decided to pick it up. It was actually attached to a string and was meant to be a prank by some kids. They failed miserably, so I took the money. They ran up to me and punched me in the balls for taking their cash. FML

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Top comments

By lillypilly35 | 0

#1950579 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:19

so she saw your ass crack and then got sick because of it? she really needs to get a life or some pepto bismal or something...

By amysousa | 6

#1950525 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

aww. pull up your pants it's not the belts fault

COMMENTS

By icet911 | 0

#1950516 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:11

"today I was eating lunch when I saw this waiters hairy ass crack n hurled..fml"

Reply

eddy199427 | 2

#1950793 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:57

HA!! yea I would too I mean that says ur Fat cuz if u had a nice body then lady wouldn't care >_>

By amysousa | 6

#1950525 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

aww. pull up your pants it's not the belts fault

Reply

22cute | 17

#3282387 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 12:20

Really, how is this not your fault? Who else might be responsible for your own buttcrack, hmm?
Some People's ability to place blame outside themselves is just amazing.

By nicknesser | 0

#1950529 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

Keep your junk in the trunk, plain and simple.

Reply

vlbaby19 | 0

#1951398 - Monday 10 January 2011 15:42

aha y'all crazy.

By CutiePie_101 | 7

#1950533 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:12

You should of tighten your belt? lol

Reply

fiveonefiveoh | 0

#1950577 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:18

that's very good advice! he should definitely do that.. in the past! when the advice woulda made a difference!! ;p

Reply

truthinlies | 1

#1951162 - Monday 10 January 2011 14:42

thanks captain hindsight

Reply

goonie85 | 0

#1951663 - Monday 10 January 2011 17:00

Have. They should HAVE tightened their belt. See how correcting someone after the fact makes a difference?

Reply

TomPusslicker | 21

#1952365 - Monday 10 January 2011 22:17

the belt holds the pants up, and the belt loops hold the belt up...whos the real hero?

By jeremiah889 | 0

#1950546 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:15

4th. could nearly be first but my iPhone lagged

Reply

gooBUZZ | 0

#1950626 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:26

No one cares. And you're fifth, dumbass.

By Angel_Vice | 0

#1950548 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:15

Wear pants that fit!

Kids these days...

Reply

angelo8320 | 0

#1950672 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:31

that's alot of whales

By MagicMushrooms | 0

#1950559 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:16

Crouch don't bend?

Reply

Bosia | 0

#1953642 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 6:28

Exactly. I've learned MY lesson after my German Sheperd attempted to butt-rape me while I was picking up a penny.

By underguarded | 20

#1950561 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:16

Your belt obviously wasn't doing it's job.

Reply

FMLephant | 2

#1951435 - Monday 10 January 2011 16:00

The belt should be fired, Trump style.

By Angel_Vice | 0

#1950569 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:17

Oh, and learn to wipe.

Reply

Sheldaddy | 0

#1951186 - Monday 10 January 2011 14:50

tmi

By lillypilly35 | 0

#1950579 - Monday 10 January 2011 12:19

so she saw your ass crack and then got sick because of it? she really needs to get a life or some pepto bismal or something...

Reply

descend2rise | 0

#1952833 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 2:21

I know, right?