Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML
Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML
Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML
Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML
Today, a guy who I hate commented on my Facebook profile picture that I "look like I've fallen off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." Sixty people liked this, including my boyfriend and my best friend. FML
Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML
Today, my brother came out of the shower and sat with my mom and me on the couch. He then says he liked the idea of the extra toothbrush in the shower, it helps him clean between his toes. I have been using that to brush my teeth for the last two weeks. FML
Today, I watched my boss try to stick a magnet to cardboard. FML
MegaBear tells us more.
MegaBear 0
Boss wasn't playing around. I did find it amusing and sad at the same time that they are my boss...
Today, my brother joked that our dog was more attractive than I was. I looked to my mom for support, and she said "Well, she is pure bred." FML
Today, trying to impress my in-laws, I put a lot of effort into selecting a nice bottle of wine for dinner at their house. When I got there, I gave the bottle to my wife's mother. Later, my father-in-law emerges from the kitchen to berate his wife over her poor choice of wine. It was mine. FML
Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML
Today, after moving house, changing my number, my email, and beginning legal action to get away from a girl who was stalking me, I decided to go to the movies to relax. As soon as I got in my seat, that same girl walked into the nearly empty theatre. She sat next to me. FML
Today, my boss pretty much told me that I'm too ugly to meet clients, and should stay in the office doing the paperwork. So basically, I'm a modern day Hunchback of Notre Dame. FML
Today, my two best friends decided to boycott Valentine's Day, ditching their boyfriends to hang out together. Not only am I single, but I wasn't invited. FML
Today, I went to work despite having a nasty cold. I didn't call up sick because last week when I called in, my boss said I was being "unprofessional and unacceptable." My boss sent me home with a written warning today, claiming that coming to work sick was "unprofessional and unacceptable." FML
Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML
Today, I'd gathered enough solid evidence to justify dumping my cheating girlfriend. When I turned up, she broke up with me before I had a chance to confront her. Why? Apparently I have trust issues. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate and planning on having sex for the first time. I picked her up off the couch, and in so doing, accidentally lifted her too high, putting her head through the ceiling. She had a mild concussion. FML
Today, I walked around for hours with a Post-it on my back reading, "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML
Today, after coming home from school, I found that two birds had made a nest above the porch light. This wouldn't be a problem if they stopped attacking me every time I get within 5 feet of them. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I came across the topic of school while chatting. He asked me what high school I went to and where I moved from. I have lived here my whole life, he was my crush for four years, and was in my classes throughout those years. He doesn't believe me. FML
Today, my 11 month-old son started viciously biting whatever part of my anatomy he can sink his teeth into. He thinks it is hysterical to latch on while I scream helplessly in pain for him to let go. FML
Today, someone came into the store I work at, laughed at my name on my name-tag, and left without even buying anything. FML
Today, the girl my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with had a job interview at my place of work. If she gets the job, she'll be my manager. FML
Today, my cat decided to hide in the garbage can so he could get a free trip outside, but was too fat to climb all of the way inside of it. He got stuck half-way in. It took me ten minutes to get him out. FML
LyraAlluse tells us more.
LyraAlluse 25
He got stuck in one of those oddly shaped bathroom trashcans. And it was his tail end that got stuck, so he was sticking out of the trashcan like a jack-in-the-box. Because the can was oddly shaped it was hard to figure out how to get the cat free and make it as humane as possible. Also, the cat kept trying to roll around in the trash can because he thought it would help. My cat isn't the brightest crayon in the package but he is pretty funny.
Today, I saw two kids having a fistfight in the street. I ran over to stop them, and one ended up hitting me in the eye. I now have a black eye over what turned out to have been a fight over who was going to get the last slice of pizza. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me with a voice card. It said "Marry me Amber?" I'm not Amber. That's his ex. FML
Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML
Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML
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