Intimacy: Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave...

By Jack - 08/07/2011 15:10 - United States

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 613

You deserved it 5 152

Intimacy

Wakey wakey

The mainframe had been haxored

Men and their balls

By thatgirl - 10/10/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a respectable, successful, polite, and attractive guy. Ten minutes into the conversation, I find out he's a neo-Nazi and earned a swastika tattoo in prison for "something shady." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 015

You deserved it 3 537

By K-9cop - 09/09/2009 23:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I hadn't popped the question to her yet. For the last six months, I have been respectfully trying to convince her over protective father to give me his blessing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 933

You deserved it 5 080

Sixth sense

By Anonymous - 11/08/2021 17:01 - United States - Wyoming

Today, I started crying at work for absolutely no reason. My pregnant coworker walked up to me and said, "Pregnancy hormones, huh?" I never even told her I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 199

By embaressed - 27/01/2009 17:33 - Canada

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 238

You deserved it 33 980

By strawberrykiwi62 - 11/06/2009 09:09 - Israel

Today, I found out that my extremely-flat chested cousin recently got a boob job. When my mom found out, she said "Oh that's great! They look so good!". Then she looks at me and tells me that I should get one. Everyone including my own mother thinks I should get a boob job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 010

You deserved it 5 509

I'm orry!

By minac11 - 26/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went to give my boyfriend a hug and accidentally knocked his brand new phone out of his hand. The screen was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 340

Sad sad sad

By Anonymous - 09/09/2015 00:03

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 532

You deserved it 7 707

Classy

By 1234 - 11/07/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled, "She likes to eat beans." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 485

You deserved it 10 407

Catflap time

By Anonymous - 24/01/2021 17:01 - Germany

Today, our cat doesn’t care much whether she gets into my room or not. Except at about 3 a.m. each night. That’s the time she sits outside the door, meowing to be let in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 128

By Hunter cat - 02/11/2018 13:30

Today, when I got back to my bedroom, I found my cat had left not one, not two, but four dead lizards for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 295

You deserved it 359

By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 00:51 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 665

You deserved it 8 945

By Anonymous - 19/11/2009 13:36 - Sweden

Today, my boyfriend gave me an early wedding present. I opened the box and inside was the most adorable cat I've ever seen! It got scared, jumped out, clawed my face and pissed everywhere. My wedding is tomorrow and I look like Frankenstein's bride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 805

You deserved it 3 834

By Anonymous - 20/05/2019 18:00

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend. She dumped me because she was moving to Wyoming. I guess Wyoming is code for my friend's apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 137

You deserved it 126

By Anonymous - 17/01/2015 19:00 - United States - Bowler

Today, my girlfriend asked me not to love her so much, so she doesn't have to try so hard to match my love for her. What the fuck? FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 274

You deserved it 9 270

By fuck teh poleese - 12/02/2012 21:50 - United States

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 975

You deserved it 29 412

Is that even legal?

By Monkeys aren't pets - 07/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 78

Anger management

By truecountrybitch - 09/05/2020 23:00

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement, for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 478

You deserved it 197

By please_no - 16/03/2010 14:40 - United States

Today, the water in my shower wouldn't drain so I used a snake to unclog it. I pulled almost a full foot of nasty hair and gunk out of the drain. I just moved in, and the previous owner was an elderly woman. I just pulled a foot of old lady pubes out of my drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 489

You deserved it 3 333

By ThisGuy97 - 12/08/2011 20:46 - United States

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 892

You deserved it 32 217

By Anonymous - 04/07/2015 08:55 - United States - Hood River

Today, one of my friends asked me to flirt with her boyfriend to see if he would flirt back. Knowing this was a trust test, I agreed. She got pissed at me when he flirted back and still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 918

You deserved it 5 209

Crotch rot

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 00:01 - United States

Today, I discovered that baking soda is not the same as Gold Bond powder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 171

You deserved it 1 025

Sing me to sleep…

By anonymous - 25/09/2020 20:01

Today, my best friend informed me that he had lost his virginity to my sister, which I already knew. However, he told me the location. My room. While I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 337

You deserved it 121

By NoComparison - 14/05/2009 00:59 - United States

Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 799

You deserved it 5 166

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 19:10 - Ireland

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 810

You deserved it 5 603

By Pissy pants - 24/11/2018 13:30

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 124

You deserved it 217

By jcesom - 29/07/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 469

You deserved it 15 899

By thicklysettled - 20/07/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 458

You deserved it 3 368

By proteinboy - 16/11/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 688

You deserved it 30 364

By nicki - 14/11/2010 17:18 - United States

Today, it took me a full ten minutes to finish on the toilet. I was babysitting at the time, and it took the kids those ten minutes to destroy the kitchen and shave the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 396

You deserved it 8 097

Covidiots are why we can't have nice things

By Fakin' It - 18/07/2021 20:01

Today, I finally got an answer as to why I've felt like crap this past week when I tested positive for COVID. My wife, a healthcare professional, is now madly Googling proof that COVID is fake, because she thinks it an elaborate ruse for me to not visit her grandmother next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 179

You deserved it 120

By Kiki - 12/07/2018 12:30 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 264

You deserved it 275

By daycare worker - 23/12/2016 18:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my 4-year-old daughter that when she grew up she could work at a daycare, like me, to help all of the little kids like her. She started crying because she thought it was a bad job to have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 719

You deserved it 1 698

By Anonymous - 09/05/2019 20:00

Today, I had to explain to a coworker that even though, yes, I’m Polish and, yes, my family’s from Poland, that, no, we’re not from The North Pole. We’re not from Antarctica either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 850

You deserved it 109

Classy move

By Username - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my son invited his girlfriend over to our house, just to break up with her. Then he asked me to drive her home. I was then stuck in a car with a bawling teenage girl who lived over twenty minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 050

You deserved it 6 083

By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 03:06 - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 799

You deserved it 1 763

By Oops - 04/07/2014 17:35 - United States

Today, I was at the gym, when I saw my uncle at the front desk. I quietly went up behind him and slapped him hard on the back while yelling "What's up, loser?!" He turned around. It wasn't my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 939

You deserved it 43 481

By SeverelyAnnoyed - 31/03/2016 17:53 - Netherlands

Today, a crow somehow got stuck in my ceiling. It's been making tons of noise for 9 hours now, including crowing very loudly. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I have no access to the attic and the property owner doesn't give a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 491

You deserved it 1 129

By He Hates Me... - 21/10/2015 00:15 - United States - Ogden

Today, I'm in my third week at a new job. Using an online service our company recommends, I accidentally downloaded a virus that is now working its way through our website, randomly sending our customers Viagra ads via our email. I personally had to tell the founder of the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 383

You deserved it 4 221

By anyone - 02/09/2010 04:48 - Lebanon

Today, while browsing facebook I found out that today was my school's class reunion. I was the ONLY one not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 755

You deserved it 4 481

Rookie mistake

By Anonymous - 29/01/2021 05:01

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend. Two weeks before Valentine's day. She expects me to buy her a present because we've known each other for a while, and apparently thinks it's more than a drunk hookup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 312

You deserved it 1 612

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Top comments

rhyleigh 1

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Friday 8 July 2011 18:56

I would actually be happy that he gave you something personal.

mike3775 34

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Friday 8 July 2011 18:57

LOL You may think it sucks, but at least grandpa had a sense of humor. Sure it may seem like it sucks, but really, I think its hilarious. Let the negative votes reign supreme, as I know its coming. But unlike others, I like having a sense of humor and having fun in life, and wait till I die and see what I left for my kids when they read my will(which my wife thinks is hilarious)

rhyleigh 1

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Friday 8 July 2011 18:56

I would actually be happy that he gave you something personal.

genesisnirvana 11

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Friday 8 July 2011 19:05

blow up sex doll > $400

Ugi 26

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Friday 8 July 2011 19:06

Something personal, and hopefully washed!

chrispyy21 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 19:23

creem on da feat of it

garrettsgirl 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 19:37

hahahahaha who says you cant have humor when your dead lol

MrSassypants 32

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Friday 8 July 2011 19:42

36 no one. Who actually says that quote?

hutch66 13

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Friday 8 July 2011 20:25

Yeah. Look on the bright side OP. At least your grandpa had a great sense of humor.

arlekin21 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 20:26

well at least he didnt give you his prostethic leg from that baseball game

pixieyy 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 20:51

your grandpa sounds like he was a legend!

imosim 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 21:00

step 1: blow up doll. step 2: ???? step 3: PROFIT!

Uraharas_Bankai 1

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Friday 8 July 2011 22:50

Well OP's grandpa wants him to be the most happy and obviously cares a lot about his enjoyment in life

bagginzy 14

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Friday 8 July 2011 23:21

Gramps got the last laugh. I'd be happy, to me it seems like you two were closer than your siblings were to him, but that's just me.

NecroParade 3

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Saturday 9 July 2011 0:06

You know... There's a certain point when personal becomes creepy.

coltsluvr123 2

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Saturday 9 July 2011 1:17

lol maybe grandpa meant something by it

tjv3 10

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Saturday 9 July 2011 1:42

I would take it as meaning he thought more of you than the others since he left them just money, but he thought about one last way to make a joke for you. sorry for your loss

stro88 6

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Saturday 9 July 2011 7:34

he wanted to keep it in the family hahaha. spray it with sanitizer an youre on your merry way.

scrapmetal58 9

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Saturday 9 July 2011 19:15

An 82 that point has yet to be reached.

FuniiBunii 0

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Sunday 10 July 2011 5:50

Maybe inside the doll there Is $800 ;) and ur grandpa wanted 2 give it 2 u in a secret way cuz ur special ;) hehe

spollywollyolly 3

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Monday 11 July 2011 3:48

awkward lol

nahgemoohc 17

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Friday 15 July 2011 8:08

Well,might as well make full use of it;)

Rosehart 10

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Friday 8 July 2011 18:56

That was one funny grandpa, sucks for you though

OWNZ 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 19:04

Are you kidding!?!? Its like a million times better than $400!!! ;)

ImAHomosexual 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 21:14

^ And 1000000 x 400 = $400,000,000!!!!!!!!!!!???!?!!??!!!!! You're a fucking millionaire!!!

Tommananaze6T9 4

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Friday 8 July 2011 21:14

yea id be hapoy with that and i had a grandpa that funny

rogergraton 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 23:24

maybe grandpa left a little bit of himself in it

mike3775 34

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Friday 8 July 2011 18:57

barrelroll1472 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 18:58

you get negative votes because of the little rant, other than that your comment was fine

biasedshooter 24

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Friday 8 July 2011 19:24

I don't think it sucks, he didn't buy the attachment

saga_darlin 0

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Friday 8 July 2011 23:11

he didnt get negative votes o_O

iSitt 0

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Saturday 9 July 2011 1:23

unless it's used

bitchslapped22 14

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Saturday 9 July 2011 19:49

He got the opposite of negative votes

iDONTNO54 0

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Sunday 10 July 2011 7:39

what did you put in the will? :D

ryjoy12 0

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Monday 11 July 2011 5:51

nuetral votes?

Arthurie 30

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Sunday 30 November 2014 17:25

149 - The opposite of negative is positive.. not neutral.

icanhazblivions 1

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Friday 8 July 2011 18:58

well at least he thought about you specifically

Metal_Chick 15

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Friday 8 July 2011 22:32

Exactly^^. Op you may think your life sucks because you didn't get $400 like everyone else. But what you don't realize is that there is way more to money, maybe you were your grandpa's favorite and you should appreciate his gift to you no matter what it is.