Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML
Today, I found out my wife isn't cheating. She says she's just getting older and sex isn't important anymore. She's 27. FML
Today, on my Facebook, the stripper my ex-husband cheated on me with showed up in the "People You May Know" box. FML
Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML
Today, I called over my math teacher to ask a question. I have a really bad cold. I asked him about a problem and he reached over my desk to point at the diagram and explain it. Then I suddenly had to sneeze and I got tons of snot all over his hand and arm. FML
Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML
Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year-old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML
Today, a friend thought it would be funny to make a R.I.P. page for me on Facebook. Most liked post? "Too bad this page is fake." FML
Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML
Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML
Today, I briefly left my laptop while I went to use the toilet. When I came back, I found "I" had posted on Facebook, calling my mom a "stupid cunt who should just stay in the kitchen." The only other person home at the time was my grandpa. She didn't believe it, and permanently grounded me. FML
Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML
Today, I went into my former workplace. While there, an ex-coworker told me that after I quit, they split my position into two separate jobs. When I worked there, my boss had told me to suck it up whenever I said there was too much work for just one person. FML
Today, I finally felt ready to have sex for the first time, with my boyfriend of nearly 8 months. When I told him, things became intimate and pants came off. He then looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can't do this." The rest of the night was spent in awkward silence. FML
Today, my 5 year old swallowed her loose tooth, which she was going put under her pillow for the toothfairy. My wife then told her 'what goes in must come out'. And now everytime she does number 2, she makes me dig for her lost tooth. FML
Today, I bought a cat. Somehow that cat is now stuck inside my antique piano. I have to break the piano to get her out. FML
outthelabyrynth tells us more.
Okay, maybe break the piano was a bit of a drastic solution. It's really heavy and my dad got it as a gift from one of his patients, so I'm not really familiar with the thing. It's really old and out of tune, we do get it tuned once in a while, but it doesn't make any difference. We are trying to find someone who's interested in it, since we don't use it anymore, and for that reason we had placed the piano in a side part of the house. I'm a responsible cat owner and I know that when you get a new cat you have to let it get used to your house room by room. Unfortunately for us, it was the piano room... I still have no idea how she got in, since the piano is a really massive thing, no holes or stuff like that. We had to take of the front (which also happens when it gets tuned) to get her out, but she was completely fine and so was the piano, so, that turned out all right :) For those of you who were asking if I bought or adopted the cat, I meant bought. I really think adopting is better! But this cat species is hypo-allergic, and since my dad is allergic to cats, this was the only way we could get one. I've wanted a cat for whole my life and after 16 years, my dream came true, and everyone here loves our little kitty :) I laughed at all your musical kitty jokes, and thanks for all the advice! Happy holidays xxx
Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see binoculars, tissues and vaseline. FML
Today, I had to hand write a 10 page essay for one of my classes. When I turned it in I got an automatic zero. It was written in blue. Not black. FML
Today, my mother and I were discussing how we couldn't believe it's been nearly a year since my dad died. Not paying attention, my husband absentmindedly added, "Time flies when you're having fun." FML
Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML
Today, I got home from work, and saw a note on the counter my roomate left saying "Sorry about the basement." I then went into the basement, and found that it was flooded. My TV, Xbox360, mini-fridge, and couch were all destroyed. Good thing he tried to stop the leak with scotch tape. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed: he told me the feeling he gets from being in love with me is the best feeling in the world, even better than the feeling he gets when he poops. FML
Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML
Today, I was berated by a pharmacist, who said that kids these days are on so many unnecessary medications for "fake diseases". I was just trying to pick up the medication I've been prescribed to control my epilepsy. FML
SSeizeTheDay tells us more.
In retrospect it probably was the pharmacy tech who made the comment, I'm never sure who's who behind the counter. Regardless, I'll be calling the store in the morning to report them and figure out if I need to do anything else to get their ass fired. Also, just for the record epilepsy is far from a "mild ailment". I consider myself lucky that I've come away from most of my seizures scoff free. But even so, I've broken three ribs, had a concussion, and incurred facial scarring from falling when I seize. Not to mention that my short term memory is shot to hell and with every seizure I have I run the risk of further cognitive decline. But yeah, the medicine is definitely unnecessary. Right.
Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML
Today, an attractive guy came up to me and told me that I looked sexy in a picture online. He then asked himself why he had never asked me out before. Apparently, he doesn't remember our 6-month relationship, or how it ended when he slept with my sister. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML
Today, I got my period at school. I didn't notice until a boy asked me if I'd killed someone in my pants. FML
Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML
Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML
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