Love: Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 93

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 53

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383

You deserved it 27

04/08/2013 16:45

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 786

You deserved it 11 256

You tried

Leave us alone

Business school of business school

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

By Anonymous - 10/03/2020 02:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 929

You deserved it 166

Vibe check

By Anonymous - 06/07/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, I started my first day of nursing clinicals. My first patient was none other than my ex-girlfriend, who I recently broke up with. She has an STI. She told me I needed to get checked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 123

Hard to believe

By Anonymous - 02/01/2020 18:00

Spicy

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 190

You deserved it 539

14/11/2018 22:00

Today, my husband took me to an airsoft shop so he could try a new pistol. We went on the range to shoot it, but while he was loading it went off and shot me. I was only wearing my leggings, so I felt the full power of that BB as it traveled at 200 feet per second at my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 867

You deserved it 460

Artists are unpredictable

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 10:01

Today, I sent a tweet to my favourite artist to tell him that I loved his work. He replied that I was being rude and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 110

18/09/2017 16:00

Today, I found out the works council won't let the company offer me the job for which I was the only applicant because the council requires 3 years experience with the company. I've only been here for 2 years, 10 months, and 26 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 776

You deserved it 208

19/05/2009 01:11

Today, I'm on vacation. I spent $4000 to surprise my boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. We have been together over a year. Turns out, he hates the outdoors. He's mad at me for bringing him here and is upset at everything. He's in the room reading, I'm at the bar drinking $10 Mai Tai's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 469

You deserved it 17 476

22/10/2010 02:25

Today, my girlfriend told me on facebook to stop calling/texting her because she lost her phone. Right under her post was "sent from facebook for iPhone." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 373

You deserved it 4 639

18/10/2012 23:52

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 363

You deserved it 2 018

Right in the snowglobes

By Anonymous - 29/09/2020 13:02

Today, my sister kicked me in the balls just before I went into the bathroom, as she wanted to use the shower first. Later, when I came out of the bathroom, she kneed me this time in the same spot because apparently I always make a mess in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 120

You deserved it 156

22/07/2013 18:29

Today, I won an award for Employee of the Month. Shocked, I asked my boss if he'd gotten my name mixed up or something. He had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 224

You deserved it 10 855

Communication

By ohyaknow - 30/09/2010 09:56

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 963

You deserved it 37 465

18/12/2013 21:20

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 572

You deserved it 3 938

12/08/2013 04:49

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 246

You deserved it 6 532

Road hog

By sin - 01/06/2021 04:01

Today, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t recognize a funeral procession when I see one. It just looks like a bunch of cars to me. I should probably get off the road for good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 566

You deserved it 263

07/02/2011 03:18

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 672

You deserved it 5 108

09/09/2018 23:30

Today, I finished my 83-page thesis for my Stanford class and put it on my desk. Then, as a prank, my girlfriend hid it. She forgot where she put it. The thesis is due in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 615

You deserved it 630

11/12/2011 11:54

Spicy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 102

You deserved it 8 591

29/06/2009 17:31

Today, I got a facebook relationship request from my crush of 2 and a half years. I was so excited until he posted on my wall, "Sorry wrong Catherine". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 202

You deserved it 5 916

23/08/2013 06:23

Today, I was walking home when I made eye contact with some guy, just being friendly. He then started rapping to me while pointing at his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 023

You deserved it 4 622

28/01/2010 17:27

Today, my best friend became my ex-best friend. I have finally gotten over the guy she stole from me a year ago and have developed a crush on another guy. My best friend called me today to tell me that she broke up with the first guy and is now going out with my current crush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 047

You deserved it 4 998

03/11/2016 19:31

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 453

You deserved it 857

Acting 101

By jazzyfizzle - 31/05/2009 01:13

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 164

You deserved it 71 229

15/06/2009 01:23

Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 391

You deserved it 4 045

Influencer behavior

By Anonymous - 01/07/2021 19:59

Today, I thought it would be cool to take a picture of the guy whose kids I’m babysitting's Tesla and post it on my Instagram, passing it off as mine. I learned to keep my profile private, because the guy found my pic and posted, "Actually that’s my car." FML

I agree, your life sucks 130

You deserved it 2 067

24/03/2009 15:41

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

I agree, your life sucks 280 526

You deserved it 47 363

26/04/2012 12:08

Spicy

Today, I walked into a public restroom to find that they had set up a free health clinic for the homeless; by that I mean that I found one bum inspecting and cleaning the infected, bloody genitals of another bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 785

You deserved it 2 933

18/11/2010 16:27

Today, my boyfriend emailed me this morning to let me know that he had forwarded the joke that I had sent to him to all of his workmates and friends. He was quickly given the heads-up by one of his friends that all of our intimate emails from the day were also included. I'm dating a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 151

You deserved it 7 714

I get around

By Permafucked - 12/05/2009 14:23

Spicy

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer, I ended up in bed with one of them, who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 871

You deserved it 85 398

09/03/2016 19:30

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 279

You deserved it 6 586

Maternal monitoring

By Mils - 26/11/2019 03:00

Today, I learned the hard way that my parents leave the baby monitor in my room when my boyfriend stays over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 198

You deserved it 872

08/10/2009 05:14

Today, I was on the phone with my friend, when my four year old nephew came in, asking who I was talking to. I told him it was Santa Claus, so he insisted on talking to him. I handed over the phone and I hear, "Santa is fake. Grow up." I spent the next two hours with a screaming child proving Santa exists. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 852

You deserved it 41 827

08/08/2016 18:19

Today, I left my phone at work. After returning to the office to retrieve it, I noticed it was not on my desk as it usually is. I went to the front office and found it on the desk, unattended. When turning on my phone, I was greeted by my new lockscreen: a crap someone took in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 122

You deserved it 1 957

31/05/2013 04:20

Spicy

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 373

You deserved it 5 040

24/04/2015 15:07

Spicy

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 236

You deserved it 4 005

02/09/2009 11:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a hole in my tooth filled. After the dentist had injected the anesthetic into my gums, she realized that none of the electrical equipment were working. She sent me home. My entire right side of my face is completely numb and swollen for no reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 083

You deserved it 3 011

21/07/2012 07:40

Spicy

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been in love with for the past two years. Five minutes in, he passed out on top of me from a pain pill overdose and had a mini seizure. He finally woke up and groans, "Those bastards! They confiscated my clothes!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 463

You deserved it 5 394

23/12/2013 08:24

Today, a guy punched me in the subway for staring at his girlfriend. I had dark glasses on, and was fast asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 751

You deserved it 3 605

17/03/2018 08:00

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 290

You deserved it 289

21/10/2014 00:29

Spicy

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 301

You deserved it 14 420

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:20

Tell the bartender you'd like small dick because it reminds you of home. :)

Mat35 8

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:19

Tell your husband and bartender this : screw you guys I'm going home. ( just like Eric Cartman)

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Mat35 8

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:19

Tell your husband and bartender this : screw you guys I'm going home. ( just like Eric Cartman)

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Monday 5 August 2013 6:34

OP - learn to take a joke. #1 - improve yours (I've seen worse though)

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Monday 5 August 2013 11:02

Then start acting like a bitch

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Monday 5 August 2013 17:38

@ #62 - or she should STOP acting like one,

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Monday 5 August 2013 18:38

just act like Eric Cartman, best sollution.

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:19

Order the most expense drink then get up and leave when you're done.

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:22

I think they're adults... Adults. Not teenagers. Adults don't do that kind of stuff. Well I don't, but I'm a kid-adult.

CoGhostRider 31

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:33

Since its her husband that won't work.

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Monday 5 August 2013 3:25

I'd order a blow job and say that's the closest he's going to get to one.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Monday 5 August 2013 3:40

It's pretty obvious he was just kidding around. I'm sure the bartender got a kick out of it. Sure it may be a tad embarrassing but it's just a joke. I wouldn't be with a girl very long if she got overly upset over something this minor. Laugh it off, OP, like others said order some other goofy drink name and fight fire with fire. You'll both get a laugh from it.

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Monday 5 August 2013 3:52

I've had boyfriends like that, that would say stuff similar to this and I would play along cause I knew they were joking and we both knew the bartender. Nothing's better than having a relationship when you can joke with one another!

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Monday 5 August 2013 4:36

What an asshole

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Tuesday 6 August 2013 5:16

Very female-like...

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:20

He's trying too be cool. This happens a lot

PterodactylMan 23

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Monday 5 August 2013 4:32

He was being "Punny"

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:20

Tell the bartender you'd like small dick because it reminds you of home. :)

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:23

That would either offend or excite the bartender. Probably both.

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:37

OP should tell the bartender to hit her with the hardest "cocktail" he's got.

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Monday 5 August 2013 3:04

Make sure it's straight up with a twist! (:

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:20

Sounds like it's going to be an interesting vacation.

RoboCunnilingus 23

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:21

Tell him to get used to his next drink. The "No sex on the beach".

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:29

Or the 'Underachiever in Bed' or maybe even the 'Premature Bust' ?

Legendslayer222 26

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:33

The 'Premature Bust' sounds interesting. What's it taste like?

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:52

Bitter disappointment and it quite doesn't hit the spot... very dry and unsatisfying aftertaste in guessing.

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Monday 5 August 2013 3:43

how bout the tornado? exciting at first but always ends in disaster.

Garagedwella 26

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Saturday 24 August 2013 5:38

I'm going to guess it tastes like failure.

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Wednesday 7 January 2015 2:52

Isn't that the hurricane?

Mads_1234 28

Monday 5 August 2013 2:22

Just laugh it off. You're the bigger person here (obviously) so don't let your husband pull you down to his level.

CoGhostRider 31

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:35

Or laugh it off as its meant to be a joke. Hopefully

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:22

Hahaha. That's really mean but funny. Hopefully he was joking

lightanddark 17

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:22

what a son of one. do they have a drink called sons of bitches?

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Monday 5 August 2013 2:23

Give that guy a medal. And your life sucks.