Intimacy: Today, I had to face up to telling the cute guy I just split... - FML

By Crabby - 30/03/2017 17:00 - United Kingdom - Clitheroe

Today, I had to face up to telling the cute guy I just split up with that I have also probably given him pubic lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 380

You deserved it 6 181

Compromises

Dementia or hate? You decide

This Charming Man

Monday blues

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 11:02

Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 66

By Jenievonteese - 12/06/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I was having a nice dream in which a beautiful butterfly flew by me and got stuck in my hair, fluttering its wings against my neck. Then I woke up and realized the "butterfly" stuck in my hair was actually a giant wood roach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 713

You deserved it 3 237

By Anonymous - 20/04/2011 03:05 - United States

Today, I picked up on a telemarketer and started speaking in Portuguese. It turns out that this particular telemarketer spoke it as well. Every time I hung up, he called back. Telemarketers get really excited when they find out someone else speaks their language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 448

You deserved it 10 431

By snownerd - 03/11/2011 16:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 733

You deserved it 39 586

By jswag2004 - 11/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Elgin

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 336

By Mack - 31/08/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I rented a drill to a straight-up valley girl, with the speech affect, Von Dutch patrol cap and all. I tried to disabuse of her of the idea that aluminum is a form of steel. Apparently, that constitutes being a smartass, so she threw her change at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 547

You deserved it 8 372

By ProAwkward - 18/06/2013 04:07 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, as I was walking home, I noticed a man and a woman arguing in their driveway. To avoid an awkward situation, I crossed the street. I then had to walk past a creepy guy watering his plants in his underwear while looking directly at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 733

You deserved it 5 835

By xnickx - 16/04/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, I changed the locks on my apartment so my crazy ex girlfriend couldn't get in. I went to her house to return her house key. I accidentally gave her the key to my new locks, and can't find her old house key. Now I need her to come let me in to my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 643

You deserved it 58 776

By Anonymous - 02/05/2013 15:04 - United States - Houston

Today, my future father-in-law showed everyone a picture of his poop because it was "shaped like a banana." My fiancé's whole family thought it was funny and "looked more like a banana than last time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 628

You deserved it 4 301

By Rory - 23/07/2009 04:26 - United States

Today, I got very dressed up and was excited for my uncle's wedding. While standing in line for photos, I heard my dad's voice from behind me say "Who's the hot chick in the brown dress?" My uncle responds "Uh, that's your daughter." Silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 369

You deserved it 4 794

By amy - 30/06/2018 19:00

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 415

You deserved it 339

Not a morning person

By crazybitch - 18/06/2012 04:57 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 938

You deserved it 4 027

By STOPTAKINGPICTURES - 08/07/2013 23:45 - United States - New York

Today, it's been the tenth restaurant meal in a row that my husband has to ruin with Instagram, in the belief that anyone cares. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 857

You deserved it 5 077

By Anonymous - 28/09/2011 15:53 - United States

Today, campus security called me to let me know a lawnmower crashed into my car. Apparently the guy mowing the lawn lost control. My car wasn't parked by any grass. I need a new bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 797

You deserved it 2 169

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 02:45 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was threatened to be held back because of the lack of teacher-parent communication. My parents refuse to sign my report card because of my one mark below ninety percent. My teacher was dead serious about failing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 761

You deserved it 1 453

By soon to have a fist shaped hole in my ass - 23/01/2016 07:49 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my neighbors in the apartment above me yet again had a loud fight, well past midnight while I was trying to sleep. I stood on my bed and pounded on the ceiling to shut them up. And now I'll have to explain the two fist-shaped holes in the ceiling to my landlord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 943

You deserved it 8 621

By Anonymous - 17/07/2011 20:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 566

You deserved it 8 851

Better Al than Ted

By Anonymous - 07/11/2021 23:00

Today, the older I get, the more I realise I married a clone of Al Bundy, right down to the sticking of his hand down his pants, the refusal to have sex with me except under protest, and the toilet he built in the garage only he is allowed to use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 890

You deserved it 207

By rutho - 27/03/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 878

You deserved it 208 546

By bonehead69 - 31/05/2015 07:06 - United States - Taylorville

Spicy

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 578

You deserved it 5 364

By Anonymous - 08/01/2013 05:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 903

You deserved it 8 702

The Talk

By Ken - 10/05/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I asked my 13-year-old son if he thought he was mature enough for a talk about "the birds and the bees." His response was, "They fly, so what? Why would I care?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 788

Running

By Anonymous - 18/11/2021 08:00 - United States - Yorktown

Today, I'm a teacher and was diagnosed with a sinus infection and UTI. The doctor warned me the two antibiotics may cause the runs. My doctor was right, they did, during class. I made it to the bathroom, did the deed, only to find out there was no toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 14:09 - Hong Kong

Today, my mum and I were walking down a road where we met an old neighbour who recently got divorced. Her son who we hadn't seen for about 10 years was with her and he looked very handsome. I said, "oh wow ! your son has grown up so much !" The woman replied, "this is my boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 405

You deserved it 8 915

By nothowitworks - 03/02/2018 19:30 - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 772

You deserved it 322

By Jim - 10/03/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, my friends told me that they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner unless I changed the time, because I'd made dinner reservations that would clash with the new episode of Jersey Shore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 597

You deserved it 9 039

By MonsieurH - 03/04/2014 07:44 - France - Perros-guirec

Today, my dog wouldn't stop pestering me while I was eating some chocolate mousse. I tried to get him to leave me alone for a bit by pretending to throw the mousse far away. The pot stayed in my hand, but I covered the furniture in chocolate mousse. My dog enjoyed cleaning it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 566

You deserved it 48 128

By Shoe - 27/02/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year old daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 903

You deserved it 39 803

By That Girl with the Amazon Parrot - 04/01/2014 07:21 - United States

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 214

You deserved it 4 229

By okay17 - 29/12/2014 05:00 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 903

You deserved it 5 086

By Anonymous - 21/05/2009 16:41 - Canada

Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 719

You deserved it 59 835

By Anonymous - 16/03/2019 16:00

Today, my wife who knows I am attracted to women with long hair -just like 95% of men-, instead of growing her hair long, she said she is going to stop being friends with any women who have long hair because she does not want me to be attracted to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 616

You deserved it 1 682

By Anonymous - 09/01/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 324

You deserved it 7 662

By CathyM - 27/09/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I was in the ER where I work as a registrar. A patient received a plastic urinal to use in his room. Most patients throw them away when they leave. He, however, decided to take it with him, and as he checked out, put it on the registration counter. Two feet from my face. It was used. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 830

You deserved it 2 784

By Anonymous - 14/01/2014 20:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Spicy

Today, my dad and I got royally bitched out by my mother, because she found a bill for a porn site subscription, which was paid by my dad, but made out to my name. I had no idea about any of this, but she now thinks I'm a filthy porn addict and that my dad is an enabler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 690

You deserved it 5 828

By Scarred Nephew - 10/05/2016 22:28 - United States - Allen

Today, I surprise-visited my uncle after not seeing him for 4 years because of college. When he opened the door to his house, he was wearing Crocs. Of course, that would have been completely fine if it weren't for the fact that they were the only thing he was wearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 752

You deserved it 1 379

By YOURMOM - 31/12/2011 07:24 - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 986

You deserved it 5 986

Foot-in-mouth syndrome

By Anonymous - 26/05/2010 12:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was talking to this guy I liked at work. He was flirting with me, and everything was going great, I was so happy, until he started talking non-stop about the extent of his foot fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 128

You deserved it 5 615

By Anonymous - 11/09/2013 18:10 - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 095

You deserved it 10 032

By maryfaithh - 27/01/2012 16:30 - United States

Today, I tried to open a can with a potato peeler. For a minute I forgot what a can opener looked like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 495

You deserved it 25 928

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Thursday 30 March 2017 18:19

Sounds like FHL to me...

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Thursday 30 March 2017 18:26

Just tell the truth, no lice.

Comments

STARLORD_459143196 2

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Thursday 30 March 2017 18:14

I'm in tears. Sorry to hear about that.

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Thursday 30 March 2017 18:19

Sounds like FHL to me...

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Thursday 30 March 2017 18:26

Just tell the truth, no lice.

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Thursday 30 March 2017 18:34

pubic lice are an endangered species due to the scourge of people cutting down their habitat. He should be proud to provide a home to such a noble species!

Fucc_Logic_4evah 13

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Thursday 30 March 2017 19:15

Hoe terrible.

species4872 19

Thursday 30 March 2017 19:21

Sounds like both of you had a lice time.

lccc_ 18

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Thursday 30 March 2017 19:26

also? what else did you give him

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Friday 31 March 2017 6:14

Read it again. ALSO.... she just broke up with him. That's the "what else".

species4872 19

Friday 31 March 2017 19:47

Duh, the comment was directed at the time when she apparently gave him the lice. Not their last encounter. I would have thought the comment and its implication would have been well understood.

clairboisson 19

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Thursday 30 March 2017 21:10

That's a crabby situation.

EVOEVO_Monkey 10

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Thursday 30 March 2017 21:26

Anyone else read this as public lice?

superpandamonium 7

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Friday 31 March 2017 1:14

Really? You give the guy crabs and you expect sympothy for your embarrassment? Grow up sweetie.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 9

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 639

You deserved it 142

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 91