The Top

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The all-time greatest FMLs

Welcome to the machine

By Ihatecorporatebs - 10/09/2022 14:00

Today, I found out that just because your shift ends at 6 p.m. doesn’t mean you can leave at 6 p.m. on the dot. You might get written up by your boss when he wants to discuss some projects and needs 5 minutes of your time, and you decline. Apparently, having boundaries is classed as “insubordination.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 324

Weird reasoning

By Anonymous - 18/06/2021 06:01

Today, my girlfriend dumped me when I told her I once got out of jury duty. It was a legitimate reason with evidence from my neurosurgeon, but she thinks I should have done my civic duty, while enduring the pain of screws holding my skull together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 94

All grown up

By Anonymous - 22/07/2022 00:00

Today, I made broccoli and peas with dinner. My girlfriend pouted, sulked, and refused to eat "yucky veggies", demanding fries or chips. Apparently, I'm dating a fucking toddler. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 257

Cum hoc ergo propter hoc

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 10:01 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I fell down my stairs twice after helping a senior get in her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 162

Bye bye baby

By Anonymous - 17/06/2022 14:00

Today, it's been a week since my mom left me at my auntie's, she just called to tell me she took a job abroad. I think I’m an abandoned orphan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 94

Main attraction

By kcountry92 - 02/10/2021 05:01 - United States - Archie

Today, my mother thought it would be a wonderful idea to make me late for me own wedding. It wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't focused solely on my sister because my wedding didn't center on her. The sister in question snubbed being my maid of honor over a year ago, and just decided to randomly show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 91

Cosmopolitan's 50 Top Tips for Lonely Saddos!

By opposites don’t attract - 16/09/2020 20:03 - United States

Today, I was so sad and lonely, so I started browsing articles about how to get a man. Basically every list was naming the exact opposite of everything I am. So I guess if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I have to change everything about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 369

Fancy seeing you here

By mustanggt - 15/04/2022 04:00 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I met my girlfriend's husband for the first time. It went surprisingly well, despite neither of us knowing the other existed before tonight, but it's still a miserable situation no matter what. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 129

Entitled

By WeClosed2MinsAgo - 08/12/2022 14:00

Today, I got fired. There was a customer last night who showed up two minutes after our closing time, 11 p.m.. She knocked on the door many times, but I ignored her and kept sweeping the floor. She eventually left. Turns out she’s the VP’s daughter and told him I was “rude and inconsiderate” to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 225

Welcome to Glasgow!

By Anonymous - 28/04/2022 02:00

Today, we arrived in Scotland for our holiday, specifically because we were told it’s one of the friendliest places in the UK. First I was mugged, then my car was broken into and my laptop stolen, then we tried to at least go out for dinner and a drunk told us to, "Fuck off back to 'Curry Country'." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 201

Compassionate man

By bnaz - 30/10/2020 17:01

Today, my father told me I'm a lazy, pathetic waste. I work and have a one-year-old. Apparently, if you're trying to catch up on sleep, you're lazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 97

Don't go to Sunn O))) concerts, kids

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 18:01 - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, my doctor told me that the intense, non stop ringing in my ears, which started suddenly at the beginning of the year, has no cure, no treatment options, and I just need to learn to live with it. I have severe auditory sensory issues, and have barely been getting by. I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 127

Late stage capitalism

By Anonymous - 11/12/2022 15:00

Today, I got laid off. I spent the last two months planning a conference for my company. They fired me the day before the conference. I skipped my ex-boyfriend's funeral to be at the first day of this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 218

Alternative medicine is bull

By Anonymous - 13/10/2020 23:01

Today, when my neighbor came over to ask about a serious rash her child had, she totally passed by me, the EMT/firefighter, to ask the hippy pastry chef what she thought of it, and if she had oils to "cure" it. So much for my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 221

No introductions needed

By Anonymous - 18/02/2023 10:00 - United Kingdom - Bangor

Today, my younger half-sister discovered my existence. She then went to our grandparents' house, smashed my picture off their wall, and ransacked their house looking for other pictures of me to destroy. She's in her mid-twenties, behaving like a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 108

OK, well, goodbye

By Anonymous - 04/11/2020 14:02

Today I ordered an anchovy pizza without the mushroom. Instead, I got a mushroom pizza without the anchovy. Then, when I went to take it back, the store had closed. Permanently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 219

Wait til he hears about Jesus

By Anonymous - 22/04/2022 22:00

Today, my daughter's new boyfriend must be clinically insane, as he accused me of being a secret Russian supporter because my name is Joseph, which is also the first name of Joseph Stalin. He was completely serious and refuses to be around me in case I’m memorising his pro-Ukraine talk FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 94

Parenting in 2021

By Anonymous - 18/03/2021 00:30 - United States

Today, I found out my son's dad stole his unemployment card and took the money. My son was homeless at the time and using his dad's address for mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 121

Downhill from here

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 05:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm in a relationship in which the sex was great and constant at the beginning. Now it’s so quick, bad and inconsistent, it’s like going at it with a virgin who doesn’t even know how the clit works. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 210

Mind of my own

By Bahi - 25/07/2022 10:00

Today, despite the fact that I'm 20 years-old, my parents never allow me to go out and have fun with my friends, under the pretext that I'm a girl. I'm stuck at house all year long, I only go out to the college they forced me to study at, and they decide everything about me. I’m tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 264

Bureaucracy sucks

By Anonymous - 12/12/2021 01:57

Today, I got let go from work all because my work permit expired. I’ve been in the process of renewal with USCIS for over 10 months now, but things are delayed due to COVID. I showed them the notice of renewal, they said it wasn’t enough, “Rules are rules.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 128

Have some patience

By Anonymous - 07/07/2022 18:00 - Switzerland

Today, waiting times in our emergency department were so long that a patient who'd initially presented with just a sprained ankle eventually presented with a sprained ankle and a request to test for STDs because he went to see a prostitute instead of waiting, and his condom broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 251

Romance is dead

By xlees - 18/08/2021 16:01 - New Zealand

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went back to Germany. He lovingly said to me, "I will never find another girl like you. Unless I rip off her leg and tear out her eye." I’m an amputee, and was born with a blind eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 770

Get out

By Let Me go - 27/08/2022 02:00

Today, my husband needs the money from my job, but will in no way support me to work. He NEVER cooks, cleans, or picks up after himself. I've got no place to work, except a nook by the bathroom, and I have to manage my toddler, who always poops only when I'm in a meeting, and cries for me. Quitting my job is "out the question." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 246

The blame game

By stupid child - 24/03/2023 10:00

Today, I asked my girlfriend to stop her preschooler from playing in the kitchen when I'm cooking dinner. She bitched about how I'm "controlling and micromanaging". As she did so, he put his hands on the hot oven and screamed in pain. She then shrieked that it was my fault he hurt himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 630

Little brat

By Anonymous - 21/03/2022 18:00

Today, I learned that being kicked in the vagina by your brat brother not only makes you vomit from the pain, it also makes you get a period an hour later so unbelievably more painful than usual, you're forced to use the real good painkillers left over from your dad's spine surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 147

Soon…

By Anonymous - 03/05/2021 17:01

Today, my 16 year-old nephew gave me advice on how to get laid. At age 30, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 331

Unlucky in love

By Anonymous - 24/10/2022 16:00 - United States - Martinsburg

Today, it was supposed to be my first date with a girl I've been speaking to for three months. Last night, she revealed that she's still married, that her husband is "not so bad", and then confessed it all to him and blocked me. It was gonna be my first date in six years, after the last one stalked me across the country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 166

Teenagers…

By Anonymous - 09/04/2022 10:00

Today, my 17 year-old is pregnant and I was fit to be furious, until my wife steamrollered over me to get to her, hugging her, and crying and how we’ll all raise it together as a big family. We can’t afford another baby. The daddy better be paying us something, or I’m gone kill him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 264

Bitch better have my money

By Anonymous - 29/03/2022 06:00

Today, after I started living with siblings to save money during pandemic, one of them has struggled to pay rent and after 2 years now owes me $10,000, which I will likely never see. I told him this is an unfair living situation, and will not be extending the lease. Now he's acting like a victim and treating me like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 198

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The Top

Today, I went on a blind date. He showed up in a shirt that read, "I F*ck On First Dates". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 099

You deserved it 6 476

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and I asked him to call me something sweet. He called me Honey Boo Boo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 926

You deserved it 8 369

Today, while I was leaving the grocery store, I realized my ignition key was missing from my pocket. After searching the car and retracing my steps, I walked all the way home. Later, when we went to retrieve the car, the key was sitting in plain sight on the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 608

You deserved it 22 927

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 250

You deserved it 9 551

Today, we had an office party. I got extremely drunk and invited my younger coworker into the bathroom to make out repeatedly. Not only did he reject me multiple times, but he also looked super traumatised and hasn’t said a word to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 4 203

Today, I had to accept that my anxiety affects me 24/7, even when while I'm sleeping. I genuinely can't remember the last time I had a pleasant dream after falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 118