Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming.... - FML

By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 02:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML

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My body, my choice

A beautiful truck decoration

Recycling helps

By Sarahfizzeller - 26/5/2010 20:13 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is moving out to California to be with a girl he met while on Chatroulette. We broke up because he thought we were moving too fast. FML

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By thoughtidseenitall - 2/2/2013 01:01 - United States - Englewood

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

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By sneezer - 30/12/2009 04:54 - France

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

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By nj - 10/2/2009 17:41 - United States

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

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By smells like ass - 2/8/2020 23:03

Gross, dude

Today, my boyfriend has only showered about three times since we’ve been on lockdown. Our whole place smells like a sewer main burst in a pro-sports locker room filled with sweaty nut sacks and dead feet. His excuse? "It’s not like we have anywhere to go babe." I can’t even eat around him. FML

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By anonymous - 28/3/2011 18:48 - United States

Today, I dropped my blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 19:31 - France - Paris

Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML

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By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - 23/9/2015 23:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 02:16 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at a science-fiction convention, a woman came up to me and told me that my white face paint was a mess, my contacts looked cheap, and my costume was an all-round failure. I wasn't wearing a costume, I'm an albino. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2020 01:56

Keys, how do they work?

Today, I had to call a locksmith because I got locked out of my apartment. It cost a total of $350 to break in and repair the lock. Not even 3 hours later, I dropped my only key in the sewer. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2013 23:29 - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

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By Olorin - 12/8/2010 23:21 - Germany

Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

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By Cereal_mistress - 7/10/2013 18:54 - United States - Sonoma

Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 11:46 - United States - Gaffney

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

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By owmyhead - 11/4/2011 06:23 - South Africa

Today, I woke up with a fever and a migraine. I work at an audiology clinic and my day consists of being shouted at down the phone by practically deaf people. FML

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By Ryuuchild666 - 1/10/2018 13:30

Today, I bought a 3 lb bag of pears. The first two bites were delicious! The third bite revealed a worm and its thousands of eggs. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 05:07 - United States

Today, in my rush to do my hair and get to work, I managed to trip over my dog, hit my eye on the counter, and sprain my ankle. I arrived at work with a black eye and a painful limp. My boss didn't care, and fired me for showing up late. FML

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By Christopher - 13/12/2010 09:16 - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 06:10 - United States - Batesville

Today, I decided to change my hair color. After waiting in anticipation, I took a shower to rinse out the dye and reveal my new, blue hair. Rinsing revealed not only blue hair, but blue skin caused by the watered dye running over my body. I now look like a smurf, and it's not coming out. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I got into my first car accident. Extremely upset, I called my parents, because it was their car and I didn't know what to do. I told them what happened, and asked if they were on their way to where I was. My dad's response was "Hell no, we're eating dinner." FML

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By hdat - 11/6/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2016 07:03 - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2015 03:52 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 23:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home, turned on my laptop, and turned the TV on mute so I could check my email. My mom came home an hour later, took a look at me on the couch, then the TV, and asked what on earth I was watching. I looked up from my laptop and realized it was porn. FML

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By scars - 16/12/2014 15:01 - United States - Edwardsville

Today, my parents decided to "discipline" my kitten by spraying her with water. This somehow managed to completely un-train her, and now she's back to being the compulsive biter she was when I first brought her home. FML

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By Bob - 11/4/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, I finally bought the toy my two year old son always wanted. He would always tap on the TV when the commercial for it would appear. I give him the present, and he starts playing with the bag. FML

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By ReComatosed242 - 9/3/2016 00:29 - Bahamas - Eleuthera

Today, my co-worker and I got into an argument. It ended with him threatening me to roll my balls with a paint roller until they looked like "fresh, popping doughs". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2019 22:15

Cheater

Today, as I was finalizing my divorce with my soon to be ex-wife, she thought it would be a good idea to bring our two children to the divorce court. Before custody was put in place my ex-wife gave them both a piece of candy and promised them a trip to Disneyland they chose her. FML

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By malicious_melons - 7/7/2013 23:41 - United States - Santa Paula

Today, my mother had a full-on hissy fit because of the clothes I was wearing. Not because she thought they were inappropriate, but because I was "stealing her look." FML

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By Nikki - 20/11/2019 05:00

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 20:00

Give me a break!!

Today, in an effort to avoid having the same break as my annoying coworker, I went a little earlier than I usually do. Guess who got moved to a position with an early break? She sat next to me. FML

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By Upbrakie - 12/1/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend. I told her that I loved her. She asked me how much wind-shield wiper blades cost. FML

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By whovian - 25/12/2014 15:17 - United States - Gorham

Today, my mom got me a Christmas present. Since I'm a whovian, she thought it would be cool to get me what she thought was a sonic screwdriver. It was actually a dildo shaped as one. I opened the gift in front of my entire family. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2018 22:30

Today, I was headed towards the unisex bathroom at physical therapy when another patient looked up at me and quickly looked away. I knew instantly and prepared for the smell, but I wasn't expecting remnants still floating in the toilet. FML

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By FoxyManicLiar - 27/9/2010 21:06 - France

Today, I got a bad cut on my dominant hand while at work. My boss decided to order me to juice lemons... all 300 of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 20:56 - United States - Arlington

Today, I returned home from an extended vacation only to find out my cousin wasn't kidding when he said he was going to steal my boyfriend. I thought I was dating a straight guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2017 22:00 - United States - Kennebunk

Memory man

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the dirty, when she told me to say her full name, including her middle name. I'd forgot her middle name. It was completely awkward after. I'm a dumbass. FML

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By NotTheFavoriteChild - 3/4/2016 16:53

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

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By no salt, no burning, just STFU - 8/3/2015 14:41 - United States

Today, I woke up this morning in a panic. Last night, I heard scratching at my door, but I thought it was just my cat and went back to sleep. This morning, it hit me that my cat is 600 miles away living with my mom in Iowa. I'm terrified to even sleep now. FML

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Top comments

By Lily_Rain77 | 25

#7830909 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 3:00

Isn't it just common courtesy that you don't put sharp knives into the sink? Only next to the sink, for safety.

By ajh1800 | 25

#7830914 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 4:42

More like fuck your girlfriend's life. Hope she's ok.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7830906 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 2:30

Well, that would certainly make the flat warmer ... with blood!

By Lily_Rain77 | 25

#7830909 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 3:00

Isn't it just common courtesy that you don't put sharp knives into the sink? Only next to the sink, for safety.

Reply

thisisbutaname | 38

#7834162 - Monday 19 August 2019 9:26

I never put sharp knives in the water, not even if I'm the one doing the dishes. It's just a bad idea.

By ajh1800 | 25

#7830914 - Tuesday 13 August 2019 4:42

More like fuck your girlfriend's life. Hope she's ok.