Health: Fancy a snatch? A *snack, sorry.

Fancy a snatch? A *snack, sorry.

By Crabcake - 21/09/2017 19:30 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my husband bought a luxury soap that smells like lemons. Now, every time I wash my private parts in the shower, it smells like a special at Red Lobster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 100

You deserved it 925

Health

Stop talking!

Deadbeat

Untidy

By Smirky - 13/02/2017 02:30 - India - Bangalore

Today, while walking down the aisle of a movie theatre, I passed gas so loudly that the audience missed the climax of the film laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 583

You deserved it 1 696

By well then... - 15/06/2013 05:04 - Canada - London

Today, as I was crossing to the US, I got pulled over by border patrol for looking "suspicious". The female cop searched my purse and found a condom. She smirked and said, "I doubt you'd ever need that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 348

You deserved it 4 774

By Madi Jenna - 04/05/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 178

You deserved it 5 835

By "Kymberly Hams" - 09/04/2019 10:00 - Australia

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 942

You deserved it 306

By arse-face - 28/06/2013 23:22 - Ireland - Caher

Today, a group of friends and I went out to a fancy club together. The doorman checked us out and let everyone in. Everyone except me, that is. The doorman's reason: "Her face looks like a baboon's arse." My "friends" all went in anyway, leaving me to walk all the way home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 920

You deserved it 4 851

By Anonymous - 30/09/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I was playing basketball in our company gym. I took a shot from half court, and at that exact moment, an executive walked into the gym with an important potential client. My shot bounced off the side of the backboard, off some bleachers, and right into the client's head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 585

You deserved it 3 695

By coffee - 22/08/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, while getting out of Starbucks there was a homeless guy. I bought him a coffee and he was so happy he gave me a hug. Guess whose wallet is missing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 416

You deserved it 13 599

Leg day

By Anonymous - 24/09/2019 02:06

Today, after waiting a year, I asked a coworker who I like to work out at the gym with me. She said yes. I figured this would be the perfect place to show off my body and impress her. In every exercise we did, she lifted more weights than I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 621

You deserved it 2 155

By poormum - 17/11/2016 11:41 - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 713

You deserved it 821

By Anonymous - 11/08/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replies, "you farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 468

You deserved it 7 926

By Anonymous - 14/08/2012 05:16 - United States - Norfolk

Today, my boyfriend used various infomercial phrases like, "Wait, there's more!" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 335

You deserved it 4 904

By Anonymous - 11/08/2015 04:39

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 919

You deserved it 6 382

By Sam - 03/02/2012 04:00 - Canada

Today, I got punched by a man for making fun of his stutter. I didn't. I stutter too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 452

You deserved it 2 647

Priorities

By ill - 02/10/2009 17:18 - Canada

Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that "my school was too expensive and he couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii, apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 478

You deserved it 3 593

By DSM - 14/03/2009 11:05 - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 777

You deserved it 117 270

By Phazzer - 16/10/2009 13:39 - United States

Today, I went outside to enjoy the cool air without my glasses. I saw my neighbor doing the same, so I waved and said hi. When she didn't respond, I yelled and went back inside. It was only later when I went back out with my glasses on that I realized I was being ignored by a Halloween decoration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 469

You deserved it 33 626

Who's a good boy? Not you.

By Anonymous - 21/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Newark

Today, while walking my dog in a cemetery, she stole a stuffed animal off a child's grave and began to play with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 611

You deserved it 3 364

By whotouchedyou1 - 26/08/2014 02:37 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 109

You deserved it 11 738

By Anonymous - 25/08/2015 17:44 - United Kingdom - Saint Leonards

Today, I shaved my pubes while staying at my senile grandma's place. I guess I didn't clean up properly, because she found some hair and insisted someone must have broken in while we were out and used the shower. I had to play along to spare myself embarrassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 497

You deserved it 7 176

Fuck this pandemic

By Anonymous - 07/02/2021 11:01 - Canada - Mirabel

Today, working from home and to escape my own toddler, I moved my work area into the bedroom. Perfect timing for the neighbor's toddler to scream at the top of his lungs. All day long, underneath my bedroom. I just wanted some peace and quiet to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 743

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 06:43 - United States

Today, I was kneeling down at work to do some cleaning. My co-worker said, "Oh don't your knees hurt, kneeling like that for so long?" Without thinking how it sounded, I said, "Oh no, it's not a problem. I'm on my knees all the time." He's yet to stop hitting on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 969

You deserved it 49 703

Real friends

By MartinGitGud - 13/03/2021 08:01

Today, I was saying goodbye to all my close friends before I move out of state. I'd made plans with one friend in particular to meet up before I move away; he didn't bother to respond to my message or calls. Guess I confused a coworker for a friend, huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 127

By culodegrillo - 13/05/2013 20:36 - Spain

Today, a woman approached me in the street and slapped me, ranting about how I stole her man. I don't even know her man, or her, and I live over a thousand miles away in Scotland. I'm back in town for the first time since my childhood to attend a wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 958

You deserved it 3 263

By woodre - 02/09/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I was emptying a bag of grass from my lawn mower when I saw pieces of what used to be a 50 dollar bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 107

You deserved it 6 163

Set up, punchline

By Anonymous - 28/11/2021 10:59

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 136

Very frustrating

By Anonymous - 18/01/2020 05:00

Today my Assistant Manager decided to pull a prank on me by walking up behind me and screaming my name. I screamed in terror and then swung around and punched him full force dead center in the chest right in front of my supervisor, manager, and several other employees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 326

You deserved it 238

By anonymous - 31/03/2015 16:47 - United States - Denver

Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 778

You deserved it 2 705

What the fuck was that?

By Hatty - 14/03/2010 10:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 674

You deserved it 23 611

By crazycora - 13/12/2010 19:32 - Belgium

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 218

You deserved it 3 510

By slapstick1982 - 31/12/2016 17:25 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 925

You deserved it 156

By stuckass - 05/04/2016 09:02 - Pakistan

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 900

You deserved it 1 509

By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 18:00

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 209

You deserved it 404

By Anonymous - 25/06/2016 13:51 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my mom and I staged an intervention for my alcoholic dad. Within minutes he'd turned everything around on us, claiming we're in no position to judge him for drinking since we use "too much water" when we shower. Apparently that's on the same level as being an abusive alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 662

You deserved it 806

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 23:00 - Canada

Today, I found that my "lesbian" best friend and roommate is now dating the guy I've been trying to get a date with for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 964

You deserved it 3 329

By ohshittttttt - 04/04/2009 16:15 - United States

Today, I set my AIM status to be the currently-playing file on my iTunes. I've downloaded a lot of porn to my iTunes, and I wanted to watch some. My status changed to "Girl in Latex gets fucked in the ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 475

You deserved it 158 194

By Anonymous - 17/07/2012 16:20 - United States - Palmdale

Today, my boyfriend of several years, and father of our one-year-old child, finally proposed. He was making idle conversation from twenty feet away and casually said, "By the way, you wanna get hitched?" This is as romantic as my life will ever get. Yay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 081

You deserved it 9 592

By ManInPain - 12/07/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street to go to the movies, when I got punched in the back of the head. When I turned around, a stranger said, "HAHA! It's punch a random person day!" When I asked him why he chose me, he replied "You're ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 054

You deserved it 4 896

By mrsfantastic - 12/09/2010 14:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I was recovering from an operation. After I felt better, I checked my phone. There were 35 missed calls and angry text messages from my boyfriend asking why I wasn't at his house to cook his dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 493

You deserved it 6 478

Too. Much. Information.

By knnev - 05/09/2021 08:01

Today, I had to explain to my mother that she needed to buy a new mattress, telling her that we could hear the springs rattling every time she had sex with my dad. She then went on to explain that that is why they have sex on my bed when I'm not home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 412

You deserved it 141

By Noname - 19/02/2009 16:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me from a payphone because he lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from someone who stole it [because it was still on whenever I called], I received a message back saying, "Love the pics. Send more ;]" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 265

You deserved it 8 671

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Top comments

GhostFox 33

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Monday 18 September 2017 1:39

... you may want to get that checked out with your GYN and see if there's an underlying cause for the non-citrus component to that particular smell combination.

chrisbrownizhott 15

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Friday 22 September 2017 1:49

Maybe you should go to the doctor and get checked for a yeast infection or BV it shouldn't smell like fish...

GhostFox 33

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Monday 18 September 2017 1:39

... you may want to get that checked out with your GYN and see if there's an underlying cause for the non-citrus component to that particular smell combination.

chrisbrownizhott 15

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Friday 22 September 2017 1:49

Maybe you should go to the doctor and get checked for a yeast infection or BV it shouldn't smell like fish...

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 22 September 2017 1:59

Red Snapper with a side of Crabs?

Glowworm56 25

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Friday 22 September 2017 2:01

So now you're your husband's catch of the day!

awildwhisper 30

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Friday 22 September 2017 2:02

Sounds like you've upgraded from fish to lobster, your husband might need to start making reservations with you and giving tips

Tripartita 44

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Friday 22 September 2017 2:20

So your genitals normally smell of lobster, and the addition of /lemon/ scent is the FML?

Lobby_Bee 17

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Friday 22 September 2017 2:53

Your husband will be eating in a lot more now.

Donut_Wizard 23

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Friday 22 September 2017 3:25

"Waiter! There is a pube on my lobster!" "Oh I am so sorry sir. We charge extra for that."

skippydoda 32

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Friday 22 September 2017 4:15

1. You shouldn't wash your private parts with soap, especially with scented soap. It's very harsh and vaginas are self cleaning. 2. If the smell is that bad you might want to get checked by your gynecologist.

TaysDarkLust 11

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Friday 22 September 2017 4:26

I second this. Also remember to only wash the outside (thighs, labia majora) and use clean hands and regular water to rinse inside (labia minora & etc)