Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went out with this girl I really liked and she came back to my place. Things were heating up and we ended up having sex. I was on top and really into it but in the middle of it she held up her wrist and said, "Huh, look at the time, I gotta get home." She wasn't wearing a watch. FML
Today, I was dead tired and just wanted sleep, so I jumped into bed the second the day's chores were done. Of fucking course, this was the day my fiancée decided to end our eight-week dry spell and came in wearing sexy lingerie. I couldn't stay hard due to exhaustion, and now she's been crying. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML
Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML
Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML
Today, my girlfriend spent the night for the first time. It was like dancing the Hokey Pokey. No, that’s not a euphemism for sex. She stuck her right foot in my thigh, her knee in my spine, then moved her whole fucking body around the bed all night. I didn't sleep a wink all night. FML
Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolled off of me without finishing, and said, "I'm bored." FML
Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML
Today, in the middle of having sex, my girlfriend stopped moaning. I asked what was wrong. She said, "I'm bored." FML
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Top comments
Blunt person 16
Considering it was a one night stand, why the hell do you care?
rickAUS 22
So... time to reflect on what went wrong for the next time? Either she was extremely difficult to please or your game need serious improvement. Either way I'm voting YDI for being oblivious to her lack of interest the entire time.
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Comments (20)
rickAUS 22
So... time to reflect on what went wrong for the next time? Either she was extremely difficult to please or your game need serious improvement. Either way I'm voting YDI for being oblivious to her lack of interest the entire time.
PenguinPal3017 19
It sounds like he was all too aware that she was doing nothing.
rickAUS 22
Not even close to what I was getting at but whatever; thanks captain obvious for pointing out what is written in the FML.
PenguinPal3017 19
It seems like you were unable to see what was in the fml, so it was necessary for me to point out the obvious to you.
OhSnap 5
I have to agree with Rick.
Warmonger_Smurf 29
Bragging about your failures? That’s a bold move Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.
medyas 11
Careless Whisper?
Blunt person 16
Considering it was a one night stand, why the hell do you care?
JoeMe 2
Ego probably
manb91uk 22
You thought a one night stand would be romantic? How cute
Ella_fml 17
If she's not moving, you should have probably talked to her... sounds like it was an FML for her too
Burle 17
Still counts
oldtimer 3
Sounds like it was more of an FML for her than you.
ViviMage 40
Shouldn't be so Careless with that Whisper app!
JoeMe 2
Small?