Today, I was helping my elderly dementia client with her toilet....

By Poorlittlelady - 8/10/2018 22:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I was helping my elderly dementia client with her toilet. I reached in both front and back to pull up her pants for her. "Not too hard, nice and easy..." she said with a weird smile. I looked over to see I was actually pulling her nipple. FML

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Work

Intimacy

Dangling modifier

Capitalism kills

Last dates

By HumanNature - 1/2/2009 00:01 - Canada

Today, I was waiting after work in a parking lot for my ride and was dancing a little to keep warm. Next thing I know the cops pull up to me and said that someone called in to report someone dancing in an empty parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2012 22:06 - Thailand - Bangkok

Today, my girlfriend, who I've loved and dated for over a year, confessed that she's actually straight as an arrow. All this time, she's basically been using me as an accessory to enhance her "social status" and make her guy friends horny. FML

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By Emily - 21/9/2012 01:39 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was driving home, it was 80 degrees out. Making a rare attempt to be eco-friendly, I turned off the A/C and lowered the windows. A bee then flew in through the window, hit my cheek, and stung me. That's what I get for attempting to be eco-friendly. FML

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By NotTheMomma - 22/7/2016 14:06

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2020 05:00

Beautiful

Today, my boyfriend wrote me poetry. Here's how it went: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your tits." That's the most romantic thing he's done for me. FML

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By kjdhfakjs - 20/5/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

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By brelni - 28/11/2010 17:17 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend came over to visit. Being nice, I let him walk down the stairs first, following after him. I still managed to reach the bottom before he did; after taking one step, I lost my footing and fell all the way down, scraping the skin off my arms and legs, and bruising my butt. FML

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By Shadowfigure23 - 10/7/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 01:52 - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

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By acapelladisaster - 13/3/2015 00:39 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML

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By Courtney - 12/11/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML

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By RIP Turd (peacebeuponit) - 17/12/2014 18:47 - Lebanon - Beirut

Today, I took a crap. When I stood up to admire my handiwork and flush, I noticed blood-red everywhere in the toilet. I freaked out like a little girl, thinking I was bleeding out of my ass. Then I noticed the ketchup packets my roommate had slipped under the seat to prank me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 12:29 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I finally found out why my new co-worker has been shooting me dirty looks, being rude to me, and generally trying to avoid me. It's because I have blonde hair and blue eyes, and she thinks people like me are Nazis. FML

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By paaaallllmmmssss - 26/9/2015 03:40 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

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By Steph - 19/8/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, I was at a soccer game when some guys walking behind me yelled that I had a nice ass. I then heard someone shout, "Hey, assholes. That's my daughter." He yelled at them for quite a while. He wasn't my dad, just some weird dude. FML

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By king400 - 25/11/2012 08:09 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me. When I explained the situation to the "other guy", he exclaimed that I was lying because I was jealous and trying to ruin his relationship. He punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2018 15:00

Today, accustomed to dealing with my old car's faulty accelerator, I pressed the pedal way too hard in my new car and crashed into a pillar, totaling the engine and giving myself a concussion. I could still see the dealership down the street. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By needsnewshorts - 16/7/2013 01:42 - United States - San Clemente

Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML

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By NUsConstantine - 19/10/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, my research partner emails me 2 hours before our deadline saying that she can't complete her half of our 20 page report because when she woke up this morning she couldn't see. How did she write the email? FML

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By Badday - 25/10/2009 04:38 - Canada

Today, I went on a date with a girl that I really like. I picked her up from her house, and as I was pulling out of her driveway, I hit her dad's BMW, knocking off the bumper. FML

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By Kilania - 10/9/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend was talking about video games. Bored of the subject, I started kissing his neck and chest in hopes of him to stop talking and getting some action. He did stop, only for him to say about a minute later, "You're lucky my games can't do this." FML

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By supervisor - 6/11/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, at work I wrote up my boyfriend (whom I've been secretly dating, because I'm his supervisor) for being $40 short on his register. Our policy is to write up anyone short over $10. He got mad and told my boss we're dating, and I was instantly fired. Then I got dumped for being a "tattle-tale". FML

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By Biggest Jerk - 14/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

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By friend - 29/6/2012 20:48 - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I was babysitting a little girl, and we were playing with dolls. After we fed her babies, we put them down for a nap. After a few minutes, I asked if they'd had enough sleep. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "Uh, they're not real babies, you know..." FML

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By MrMagicMan000 - 25/8/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2013 21:39 - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

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By that guy - 24/5/2012 16:41 - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my phone ever rings is because someone needs help with their computer. FML

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By Dinho - 15/5/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, I was in a public bathroom, and a little boy walks in and he has an accident. He asked if I could help him clean it up. So I decided to help. I started to walk to him to assist him. That's when I walked straight into the pee and I slipped. My whole back was covered in pee. FML

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By james88 - 7/1/2013 21:39 - United States - Altoona

Today, in an elaborate plan to finally meet my cute neighbor, I convinced my friendly mailman to switch up our mail so I'd have an excuse to meet her. After I delivered her mail, I waited for her to mention that she had my mail, but she never did. I even saw her take it out of her mail box. FML

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By marray - 23/7/2018 12:46 - United States - Aurora

Today, I received a grade of 0 for a paper I worked really hard on. When I emailed my professor for feedback, she told me she gave me a 0 because I misspelled Colombia as "Columbia" and that she's not responsible for my low IQ. FML

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By MaggotMother - 20/4/2013 10:51 - United States

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

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By Victoria - 21/10/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. When he saw I had something in my pocket, he began to ask if it was a weapon. After arguing for a few minutes I was put in handcuffs. I was too embarrassed to pull the tampon out my pocket. FML

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By Xero_316 - 5/11/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was doing my paper route. I throw the papers onto people's driveways while sitting on the back of my dad's truck. To be funny my dad decided to suddenly speed up, causing me to fall off the back of the truck, face first onto the road. He didn't realize I fell off and kept driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 16:05 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad told me to knock it off with my "stupid gangster walk", saying it made me look like an idiot. I didn't have the balls to admit I'd sharted my pants and was awkwardly waddling to the bathroom to clean myself up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2013 10:17 - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

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By Peta2nNoMore - 4/7/2009 10:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML

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Top comments

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7705893 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 5:40

I don't understand the logistics of the situation, and I don't think that I want to.

By mutlupb | 4

#7692776 - Thursday 13 September 2018 18:34

What was her nipple doing in her pants?

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7689190 - Friday 7 September 2018 14:58

Oh baby!

By mutlupb | 4

#7692776 - Thursday 13 September 2018 18:34

What was her nipple doing in her pants?

lisyaorancrazed | 16

#7705926 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 7:29

maybe she has some extremely saggy boobs.

Tiffany Herrera | 4

#7705959 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 8:28

It’s called sagging. It’s the inevitable reality of getting old. Don’t try too hard to picture it

By PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7705893 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 5:40

I don't understand the logistics of the situation, and I don't think that I want to.

By LAUGHINGKOMODO | 25

#7705902 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 6:16

TF did I just read?

By bluhbluhbluh | 14

#7705948 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 8:13

I physically and mentally rebuke this fml.

By aruden | 25

#7705968 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 8:43

Old lady problems. Welcome to sag town

By darkshadus | 10

#7706078 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 12:44

At least you made her day, you are now her favorite caregiver

By disturbedgd | 26

#7706150 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 16:22

Haunting

By Mark Leeis | 4

#7706293 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 19:53

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By TheSminty1 | 17

#7706321 - Tuesday 9 October 2018 20:29

Gravity has clearly taken its toll