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Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

by Noname / 02/24/2009 at 8:20pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

by Ondskansgris / 03/12/2009 at 5:59am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took the bus home. A bum sat next to me. Reeking with alcohol and sweat, he pulls out a pair of nail clippers and clips his grimy finger nails. With every clip, the nails would fly up and hit me. As I was about to ask him to stop, a nail flies into my mouth. I swallowed it. FML

by Anonymous / 04/14/2009 at 8:19pm / United States (Florida) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a woman drove through my house. She was texting and eating watermelon at the same time. I didn't know that was even possible, but now my house is condemned. FML

by Fitz / 04/12/2009 at 9:53am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I got married wearing a strapless dress. As I walked down the aisle, our wedding photographer stepped out behind me to get a shot of me approaching my husband. Instead of stepping out, though, he stepped on. Stepped on my dress. Pulling it completely down. FML

by bride / 03/26/2009 at 9:38pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

by badmom / 06/10/2009 at 2:09pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

by juliet / 04/06/2009 at 12:39am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML

by drakx88 / 03/06/2009 at 12:11pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was delivering packages to patients in the hospital for my job. My boss gave me a room to deliver to, and I drop it off as usual. But my boss gave me the wrong room number. I had to walk in, apologize, and take back balloons and a stuffed animal from a crying 6year old patient. FML

by Anonymous / 04/05/2009 at 4:17pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. We haven't had sex yet. FML

by baron / 06/01/2009 at 1:36pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

by Alexa23 / 03/15/2009 at 11:47am / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, I checked my bank account that i've been saving money in since I was a kid for college. I have $100 left out of the $10,000 I had last month. Apparently my parents thought buying a pool and an HDTV for themselves was more important than my college education. FML

by ExtemelyBroke / 06/05/2009 at 10:24pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Money

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2009 at 11:21am / United Kingdom / Intimacy