Animals: Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 569

You deserved it 92

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 576

You deserved it 40

08/04/2009 00:11

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 038

You deserved it 243 573

Animals

You tried

Another great day to be alive

Chill out, dad

08/10/2009 17:31

Today, while working on my girlfriend of three years' computer I found a file called 'My future wedding'. I assumed it was very old and decided to look through it. Of the list of 5 potential grooms I was not one of them. This didn't bother me until I saw that it had last been edited two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 843

You deserved it 4 462

15/09/2016 20:13

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 422

You deserved it 740

07/01/2015 17:07

Today, one of my friends posted on Facebook saying if you're held up at an ATM, putting your PIN in backwards will alert the cops. I pointed out it's an urban legend, and asked how it'd work if their PIN was the same backwards. He drove over and beat the crap out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 731

You deserved it 6 017

10/03/2018 09:00

Today, during the garter toss at a wedding, all the eligible men yelped and scrambled, evading it like a falling meteor. They apparently wanted to stay single, rather than put it on and dance with the one who caught the bouquet, which was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 558

You deserved it 413

06/12/2016 20:12

Today, I applied online for a position and typed, "OH&S Certificate." It autocorrected to, "OH&SHIT Certificate." I didn't notice until the site e-mailed me a copy of my completed application. They'd already received it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 999

You deserved it 1 985

29/07/2019 04:00

Today, I think I found out just how many times I've ordered through UberEats when my delivery guy told me that, "We should stop seeing each other like this!" with a chuckle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 447

You deserved it 480

07/04/2015 00:58

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 239

You deserved it 2 678

09/03/2010 08:57

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 528

You deserved it 2 622

Happy Mother's Day

By ImScrewed - 10/05/2021 05:01

Today, I had my husband’s family over. Our adopted 4 year-old daughter drew a cute card and gave it to me saying, "Happy Mother’s Day mommy! I love you." My mother-in-law scoffed, "She’s infertile and not even your real mom, but ok." Now our daughter won’t stop asking all sorts of questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 802

You deserved it 55

02/11/2018 17:30

Today, I was so parched I had to take way too long at the water fountain. I was drinking for so long a line started to form. As I finished my drink, the guy behind me puked on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 333

You deserved it 492

04/03/2016 14:52

Today, I made the decision to lighten my hair from dark brown to blonde. I thought the stylist knew what she was doing, but I ended up with my hair fried off and orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 466

You deserved it 2 575

18/03/2013 19:38

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 542

You deserved it 3 488

03/10/2011 03:29

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 971

You deserved it 2 266

Jim Henson lives

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 17:55

Today, I was at the gynecologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 353

You deserved it 5 102

13/09/2016 18:28

Today, I managed to stop my supervisor from falling into a trench, only for the ground to give way and for me to fall in instead. My supervisor didn't even notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 925

You deserved it 845

04/11/2009 20:00

Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 321

You deserved it 4 091

04/06/2017 00:00

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 665

You deserved it 351

04/03/2011 07:13

Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 957

You deserved it 29 266

09/07/2009 06:21

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 270

You deserved it 58 182

19/05/2013 04:16

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 127

You deserved it 21 353

02/06/2012 16:55

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my dad. I thought it was a good idea at the time, at least until he took her aside for a private chat. During the chat, he told her all about my two previous marriages and advised her to "get out while you can". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 862

You deserved it 7 341

The diet plan from hell

By Mustanggt - 01/11/2020 14:01

Today, I learned that the vomiting and uncontrollable flatulence I've been suffering from is normal with my new diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 255

01/11/2018 15:30

Today, I woke up in a puddle of blood after 7 hours of sleep. Before going to bed, I had inserted a tampon that should've kept me dry for at least 8 hours. Apparently it doesn't work well if sleepy me forgets to take the top part of the plastic wrapping off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 385

You deserved it 1 190

Bored of you

By ajwwfc - 19/10/2020 23:03

Today, I realised that whenever I make eye contact with a stranger, I yawn. I work at a McDonald's FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 129

26/01/2013 21:51

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 179

You deserved it 8 756

19/07/2019 00:01

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 716

You deserved it 134

10/06/2009 13:12

Today, my adorable five and a half year old boy told me that when he grows up he's going to be my boyfriend. I thought it was kinda cute until I asked him why. "Because you need one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 155

You deserved it 7 275

15/01/2011 17:39

Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 948

You deserved it 3 496

13/04/2012 09:43

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 732

You deserved it 4 241

12/12/2009 01:03

Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 928

You deserved it 41 947

09/10/2015 18:54

Today, I saw my cat attacking a suitcase under my bed for apparently no reason. I laughed and picked it up to show him that there was nothing there, only to find a huge wasp hiding under it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 22 834

You deserved it 2 659

28/08/2011 21:41

Today, while bitching some girl out for spilling coffee all over me, she looks at me with accepting eyes and says after I'd finished, "I can understand your anger, big girls like you get grumpy when they're hungry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 792

You deserved it 48 395

12/03/2015 01:50

Today, I went running. I live in a small town and people know me fairly well. It was dark when I went to avoid the heat. I was almost finished with my run when the cop comes up and asks me what I'm running from. Clearly being fat and out of shape is not a good enough alibi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 260

You deserved it 2 570

05/08/2011 01:47

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 179

You deserved it 8 121

13/12/2009 18:39

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 812

You deserved it 32 197

23/01/2012 14:19

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 675

You deserved it 3 193

06/12/2011 17:24

Today, I found out that if a cop asks you if you have any weapons, and you reply by saying "only these guns" while flexing your biceps, they won't take it very well. And neither will the cops down at the station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 878

You deserved it 50 112

12/11/2010 11:06

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 997

You deserved it 11 289

27/05/2015 16:25

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 327

You deserved it 3 390

Unrequited lover

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 11:31

Today, I had to give advice to my best friend and love of my life. What kind of advice? What to wear while on a date with some guy. We're roommates, and she wouldn't stop telling me about everything when she got home. This happens on a regular basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 878

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Top comments

Druu 53

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Thursday 9 March 2017 21:20

You monster.

ArbiterOfFML 24

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Wednesday 5 July 2017 0:49

how could you not determine a cat from a squirrel?

Comments

Druu 53

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Thursday 9 March 2017 21:20

You monster.

DemCherries 4

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Wednesday 29 March 2017 2:57

monster

DemCherries 4

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Wednesday 29 March 2017 2:58

monster

KeenBird 2

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Wednesday 12 April 2017 15:47

Wasn't it so hard to fucking stop when you saw an animal on the road, you dick, shouldn't be driving

ArbiterOfFML 24

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Wednesday 5 July 2017 0:49

how could you not determine a cat from a squirrel?

Fluffster97 15

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 18:06

Someone hit my cat also. You are a horrible person.

dontworryyo 4

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Friday 1 December 2017 4:20

Poor kitten

Eshaan7 7

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Monday 1 April 2019 13:26

Dwight, is that you?