Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her...

By uthinkucandraw - 27/2/2009 21:19 - United States

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I received a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

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Love

No Gods, No Masters

Not a cheating!

Bad news

By CC - 11/10/2011 14:51 - Sweden

Today, I met an old friend, with whom I have a complicated history and we hooked up. He came before we even started. In his sleep, he pushed me out of the bed. When I woke up, he had peed himself in his sleep. Glad I let that ship sail. FML

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By NoPeeGiven - 14/4/2013 05:10 - United States - Palatine

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

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By blegh - 1/4/2011 02:42 - United States

Today, I fell going down the stairs to the subway platform during rush hour. Someone was kind enough to help me up and someone else was kind enough to steal my iPhone which had fallen out of my pocket and landed nearby. FML

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By ohno - 10/3/2010 11:05 - United States

Today, when I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were 3 girls loudly discussing blow job techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML

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By Deety - 18/1/2017 08:11

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By MissPerspirent - 28/9/2011 02:18 - Canada

Today, I have come to the point in my life where I need to Google how to stop excessive back sweat. FML

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By bitchypast - 27/1/2015 23:50 - United States - Rockland

Today, is the blizzard. I have to go into work, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. I sent him a picture of the snow completely covering my car. He said I moved the snow there and could move it back. FML

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By Nancy - 8/7/2009 14:01

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

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By BlueBirdWings - 31/5/2019 02:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 04:50 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

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By starboi - 20/12/2016 19:19 - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

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By yogabbagabba - 3/9/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during naptime. I'm the teacher. FML

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By ohn0es - 23/1/2009 10:45 - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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By Forgotton - 1/8/2009 23:10 - Canada

Today, I realized how invisible/forgettable I am. At work, I went to ask my supervisor what I was working on today. My supervisor admitted that he forgot I was working today. My supervisor is my brother. We drove to work together this morning. FML

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By SatelliteUser - 3/12/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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By kneesarethenewdesk - 19/8/2009 22:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

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By ilovecharliesheen - 17/3/2015 07:14 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally ate a cat treat instead of a cinnamon glazed pecan. I thought it must have been burnt by the way it tasted, so ate a few more before I figured out my mistake and spat them out. FML

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By Faluna - 17/2/2011 21:27 - Sweden

Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 16:00

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

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By Where is it coming from?! - 10/6/2014 02:46 - United States - Brightwood

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

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By markderanjer - 4/11/2012 00:37 - United Kingdom - Ealing

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

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By El Sayer - 3/3/2020 23:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Hey, Big Spender!

Today, I put a lock on my account because of several unknown purchases for large amounts. Turns out it was my girlfriend, without asking. Who is now mad at me for blocking her parcels. FML

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By Savy - 13/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Mesa

Today, I was tailgated by a car with his high beams on for an hour. Any time I changed my speed or lane, he would do the same. I finally managed to get away from him because a cop pulled me over and gave me a speeding ticket. FML

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By TitMunch - 23/10/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, at my mom's wedding, I tripped as I was walking down the aisle. I was holding the train of her dress. It ripped. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2016 07:26 - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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By scammed - 18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2016 22:35 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I saw my ex best friend and my cheating ex-girlfriend hanging out at the gym, where I work. They signed up here just to piss me off. It's working. FML

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By Drewski - 22/12/2016 00:11 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I am recovering from my second back surgery. I survived four years in the Army with one combat tour without major injury, only to destroy my back the day after discharge by lifting my mother-in-law's suitcase into the trunk of her car. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 02:04 - United States - Yorktown

Today, I was home alone when I heard the carbon-monoxide detector beeping. Panicking, I grabbed my dog, ran out of my house as fast as I could, and waited outside for 3 hours for my mom to get home. Turned out the detector was just out of batteries. FML

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By Arthur - 7/5/2014 19:16 - United States

Today, my neighbor scolded me for "allowing" her son to be bitten by one of my dogs. This would be reasonable, except for the fact that her kid had jumped my fence and tried to steal a rattle out of my daughter's hands. FML

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By poolfail - 6/8/2014 21:14

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

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By GonnaGetFired - 31/3/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. She won't tell me what I said. She just laughs when she sees me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2009 12:44 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a girl. She drove while texting someone then stopped at a house and told me to wait in the car. She left her phone so I looked at the last text and it says "I'm here for the quicky". Our "date" was a decoy to throw her mom off so she could sleep with another guy. FML

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By andrew - 4/4/2018 06:00

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

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By - Moved Across the Country - 6/8/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I found out my ex is applying for a job at my current company. She may be my boss. FML

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By michelle91 - 2/12/2009 11:36 - Malaysia

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I "selfishly made it about me." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2016 12:40 - Canada - Toronto

Today, two customers complained about the shitty service they received from my coworkers. I apologized and asked about the complaint. Their issues were legitimate and I promised to pass them on. They demanded to speak to my manager and my coworkers got in trouble. Now they think I'm a snitch. FML

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By anonymous - 4/5/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I went into work to set up a new store. There was a lot of lifting so I dressed casual. This happened to be the day the owner brought in his conservative family to check out the store. I was wearing a shirt that says "everyone poops" and has a donkey and elephant pooping. FML

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By tammy999 - 31/1/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend bumped into me at McDonald's. I was sitting alone at a table with a big mac, two large fries, a large drink and 1 case of chicken nuggets. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2014 18:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

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Top comments

By F_ME | 0

#8929 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:21

damn that sucks!!!!!!! frickin hoes!!!!!

By AwkwardHomo | 0

#8943 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:37

Yeah, definitely go sex crazy. And go see an All Blacks game, New Zealand rugby is awesome!

COMMENTS

By F_ME | 0

#8929 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:21

damn that sucks!!!!!!! frickin hoes!!!!!

marleytooyou | 0

#967046 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 2:06

awww that does suck

Metzler31 | 17

#968925 - Saturday 27 March 2010 3:57

at first I thought he meant the text message cost him 15,000 dollars! I was all confused.

banna2286 | 0

#976540 - Thursday 8 April 2010 18:34

when will peple realize that these romantic suprises never work out

NoelZ | 0

#1132060 - Saturday 24 July 2010 7:17

115 your fucking stupid. kbye

SW500 | 13

#3264686 - Saturday 10 September 2011 2:04

Yeah there's something with Michigan chicks...

bannamann | 4

#3595633 - Thursday 17 November 2011 1:08

It was only 1,500 dollars not 15,000

muahahahahamoo | 5

#4200486 - Thursday 22 March 2012 15:20

#127 ; hey bro, not all michigan girls have problems. some of them are nice.! like meeee. lol :p

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#8930 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:22

KIWI ZING!!!

By Dr_Phil | 0

#8931 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:25

This reminds me of a song that goes like this (please don't mod me):
Bitches aint s**t but hoes and tricks.
Lick on these nuts and suck the d***.

CrinkleFrie2014 | 0

#4346514 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:44

Where in Michigan?

By JohnnyS_fml | 0

#8942 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:34

You know what dude? I know how you feel... i did the same, except I'm in New York and she was in California... ya just gotta keep on truckin'...or flying.

By AwkwardHomo | 0

#8943 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:37

Yeah, definitely go sex crazy. And go see an All Blacks game, New Zealand rugby is awesome!

By Amkii | 0

#8946 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:39

While you're there, have some crazy fun!

Then make that slut-ass ex-gf of yours pay you back.

Circles | 18

#6222834 - Friday 6 March 2015 6:38

Why should she pay him back? She didn't tell him to fly there. She isn't obligated to stay in a relationship if it's not what she wants

By Ole_Stinker | 0

#8949 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:42

That sucks, but it gives you an opportunity to go on a bender in NZ- I suggest you start now. If you arn't already drunk, make sure there is a cold Steinlager in your hand in the next 15 minutes.

By PureGold | 0

#8952 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:44

Oh no!!! And as soon as you arrived there too, ugh...I'm sorry that happened to you. It sucks x(

And # 14, I think you kinda missed the point of what they were saying haha...reread the posts :P

By secret_fml | 0

#8955 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:44

aww that really stinks, i'm sorry..who breaks up with a text message?! while they are on the other side of the world?!!!
but that was a really sweet thing to do..and i've heard new zealand is beautiful=]

vanillacocoa | 6

#4315553 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 5:56

It is, I live there

By MyFullContrast | 0

#8961 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:53

Forget her !
Enjoy yourself now!

It'll be stupid if you spent all that money and just went back home.