Love: Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her...

By uthinkucandraw - United States

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I received a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

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Love

Season finale

My body, my choice

Kick the bum out, part 2

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

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By rofld - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

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By kaileekat517 - United States

Today, instead of going to a romantic dinner with my boyfriend like I'd planned, I ended up babysitting his queasy little sister. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after days of looking for it, I finally found the ring my boyfriend gave to me. It was on my roommate's finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2021 08:02

I guess that's why they call it an intravitreal injection

Today, the eye doctor told me I only had 90% vision on my left eye, and asked if I wanted treatment. Not being terribly bothered by it, I asked what the treatment would consist of. "We'll stick a large needle in your eye, and pump in some medicine." I quickly wished him a pleasant day and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 14:01

Geyser Söze

Today, I found out why my B&B host looked so pissed this morning. I remember having too much red wine and puking out the window last night. Turns out the lampshade underneath the window spread my puke all over the freshly painted wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my neighbors dressed up in the exact same costume as me. Every house I go to refuses to give me candy because my neighbor has already been there. FML

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By Gg - United Kingdom

Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML

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By Great. - Brazil - Belo Horizonte

Today, I found an old toy that I gave to my daughter several years ago. It was still unopened, and long forgotten, so I decided to re-gift it to one of my friend's children. My daughter immediately remembered her "favorite" toy and started crying inconsolably. FML

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By - United States - Rockville Centre

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

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By iStoleTheBrownie

Paparazzi

Today, my friend asked me to send her a picture of my crush. I've never talked to him so I had to take the picture without him knowing. My flash was on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Inglewood

Today, I tried to be cute by sitting on top of my boyfriend's belly. While getting on top, I accidentally kneed him in his nuts. In pain, he jolted his head up and ended up banging his head against mine. Now I have a black eye and he can't walk without waddling. FML

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By jinxofsocal - United States

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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By SadSister:( - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

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By WhyAppleWhy - United States - Sarasota

Today, I was watching some pretty intense porn on my Macbook. I unplugged the second monitor so I could lie on my bed. Instead of defaulting to the screen, Airplay somehow synced it to the living room TV, where the rest of my family was watching a movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML

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By cls_x - United States - Riverview

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

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By joarasmi

Today, I came home to a completely trashed house and just stood there in shock until I heard something upstairs. I ran to heroically catch the robber and, despite being a 4'10" woman, I did it! How? The fat fuck got stuck in my window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

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By footfood - Slovenia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

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By HeatherFeatherB - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

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By Anonymous

He's still got it

Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML

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By gotmon3y - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

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By Gloria

Today, I got home with my 3 best friends in tow, only to find my husband fast asleep on the sofa, porn playing on his laptop, his boxers around his ankles, and a sticky white mess all down his thigh. I am so beyond mortified I can’t adequately describe how embarrassed I am. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML

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By Fefrank

I broke a bolt on my minivan trying to fix the timing belt myself to save money. I spent about 300 dollars in parts. Today I took the van to the shop and the total to fix it is going to be 1200 dollars. FML

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By kha - United States

Today, I decided to surprise-visit my grandparents. After knocking on the door and not getting a response, I opened it and walked in. Upon entering their house and yelling, "Hello", as I turned the corner I saw my near-deaf grandmother folding clothes while watching TV. She was topless. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

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By natalieeee - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I stuffed my buttcrack with toilet paper right before my job interview because I tend to sweat there a lot and was wearing a white skirt. I went to the bathroom afterward to take it out but it wasn't there anymore. It could have only gone up two places. FML

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By anon - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

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By pantless - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Silver linings

Today, I went shopping for a new pair of jeans. I was feeling good about the fact that I was going down a waist size until the cashier decided to discuss with me, three co-workers, and the ten other people in line how she didn't even know jeans came in sizes that big. FML

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By Letteh

Today, my boyfriend transferred some money to me online. He put a joke reference of "Anal nice 'n cheap". We need to show a month-long bank statement to our mortgage broker tomorrow. FML

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By adad - France

Today, I was walking by a pond when I saw a small frog. I decided to catch it to get a close look. After I picked it up, I realized that it was not a frog. It was dog shit shaped like a frog. FML

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By nattnatt73 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

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By UTRejected - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was selling winter-themed cookies at my university. I cheerfully asked a girl if she would like to buy cookies to support peer tutoring. Her response? "I don't eat food." FML

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Online life

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in my front yard. As I stormed off in my dramatic exit, I realized I had locked myself outside. I had to ask my now ex-boyfriend to borrow his phone so I could call my mom. FML

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Top comments

By F_ME | 0

#8929 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:21

damn that sucks!!!!!!! frickin hoes!!!!!

By AwkwardHomo | 0

#8943 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:37

Yeah, definitely go sex crazy. And go see an All Blacks game, New Zealand rugby is awesome!

COMMENTS

By F_ME | 0

#8929 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:21

damn that sucks!!!!!!! frickin hoes!!!!!

marleytooyou | 0

#967046 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 2:06

awww that does suck

Metzler31 | 17

#968925 - Saturday 27 March 2010 3:57

at first I thought he meant the text message cost him 15,000 dollars! I was all confused.

banna2286 | 0

#976540 - Thursday 8 April 2010 18:34

when will peple realize that these romantic suprises never work out

NoelZ | 0

#1132060 - Saturday 24 July 2010 7:17

115 your fucking stupid. kbye

SW500 | 13

#3264686 - Saturday 10 September 2011 2:04

Yeah there's something with Michigan chicks...

bannamann | 4

#3595633 - Thursday 17 November 2011 1:08

It was only 1,500 dollars not 15,000

muahahahahamoo | 5

#4200486 - Thursday 22 March 2012 15:20

#127 ; hey bro, not all michigan girls have problems. some of them are nice.! like meeee. lol :p

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#8930 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:22

KIWI ZING!!!

By Dr_Phil | 0

#8931 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:25

This reminds me of a song that goes like this (please don't mod me):
Bitches aint s**t but hoes and tricks.
Lick on these nuts and suck the d***.

CrinkleFrie2014 | 0

#4346514 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:44

Where in Michigan?

By JohnnyS_fml | 0

#8942 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:34

You know what dude? I know how you feel... i did the same, except I'm in New York and she was in California... ya just gotta keep on truckin'...or flying.

By AwkwardHomo | 0

#8943 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:37

Yeah, definitely go sex crazy. And go see an All Blacks game, New Zealand rugby is awesome!

By Amkii | 0

#8946 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:39

While you're there, have some crazy fun!

Then make that slut-ass ex-gf of yours pay you back.

Circles | 18

#6222834 - Friday 6 March 2015 6:38

Why should she pay him back? She didn't tell him to fly there. She isn't obligated to stay in a relationship if it's not what she wants

By Ole_Stinker | 0

#8949 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:42

That sucks, but it gives you an opportunity to go on a bender in NZ- I suggest you start now. If you arn't already drunk, make sure there is a cold Steinlager in your hand in the next 15 minutes.

By PureGold | 0

#8952 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:44

Oh no!!! And as soon as you arrived there too, ugh...I'm sorry that happened to you. It sucks x(

And # 14, I think you kinda missed the point of what they were saying haha...reread the posts :P

By secret_fml | 0

#8955 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:44

aww that really stinks, i'm sorry..who breaks up with a text message?! while they are on the other side of the world?!!!
but that was a really sweet thing to do..and i've heard new zealand is beautiful=]

vanillacocoa | 6

#4315553 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 5:56

It is, I live there

By MyFullContrast | 0

#8961 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:53

Forget her !
Enjoy yourself now!

It'll be stupid if you spent all that money and just went back home.