Love: Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her...

By uthinkucandraw - United States

Today, I flew into New Zealand to surprise my girlfriend on her trip. In the New Zealand Airport I received a text message saying she wanted to break up with me. I live in Michigan and just spent $1,500 for this romantic surprise. FML

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Love

Late term

And today, on Dr Phil…

Thanks for the help

By sorry, kiddo - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I was explaining to my son that porn isn't a realistic depiction of sex. Just as I finished explaining to him that threesomes rarely happen in real life, he started crying. I feel like a dream-crushing monster. FML

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By Knaxer - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was riding my motorcycle when a guy cut me off at a light. I honked and swore at him when a bug flew into my mouth. FML

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By Evolution mama - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, I got a zero on my math test. My teacher was convinced that I had written the answers on my arm. No answers, just really thick, black arm hair. FML

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By footfetish - Australia - Brisbane

Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML

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By Perry85

Once again

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I said the wrong name in bed. On top of that it was the name of her ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Who he cheated on my girlfriend with while they were together. FML

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By BaconBreathBlonde - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out, holding hands, and he was playing with a strand of my hair. I thought the whole thing was very romantic. He then said he loved how my mouth tasted like bacon. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was diagnosed with a tumor and had to cancel on the holidays with my crush of 4 years. He is taking another girl with him instead. FML

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By lanbon182 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Akron

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Today, after a year and a half, I finally cut things off with my ex completely because I was starting to have feelings for someone else. Right after I cut my ex off, the other girl that I liked cut things off with me, and threw my ass in the friendzone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be hilarious to secretly swap her and my mom's numbers in my phone, then sexually tease me before going to work. I found out about the prank when I texted my "girlfriend", saying I was going to fuck her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for days. FML

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By zephyrgk - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was grounded by my dad for "popping pills like a gangbanger". I take prescription ADHD medicine and a multi-vitamin. FML

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By QueenCee - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at work, a guy complained about me "touching his fries." At first I thought it was a joke, because he kept smiling, even after I offered him new ones. I realized it wasn't a joke when he threw the fries on the counter. FML

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By MadSon - United States

Today, my dad had something to tell me. He'd cleaned out my bank account to pay off 38,000 dollars worth of gambling debt. My wedding is in 5 months. FML

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By forgetable

Today, I offered to stay late at my delivery job because it was snowing and several people called out. An hour later I got rear ended. FML

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By I need cuddles

Today, I realized that the only time my boyfriend is physically affectionate with me is when he wants to have sex. When I suggested we just cuddle, he looked at me and said, "What’s the point in that?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I thought the bullying had finally stopped, the bullies had actually been sponsored to be nice for charity. FML

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By nohalloweenforus

Today, it's Halloween and my boss changed his mind at the last minute, telling us we're no longer allowed to carve pumpkins in our lunch hour because, "It would be too distracting". What are we supposed to do with 12 pumpkins now? FML

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By nottililgirl - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

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By Username

Today, I got attacked by my own dog. I don't know what will be harder, telling everyone how my dog thought I was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle. FML

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By rejecteddd - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By iluvcoconutrough - New Zealand

Today, at school I was sitting with a friend outside, talking about irregular periods and unshaven legs. Ten minutes into the conversation, a teacher sticks her head out the window above us and tells us to leave. We were distracting a classroom who were trying to finish a test. FML

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By pi_power_15 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I have been dating an incredibly gorgeous woman. She had a poor self image and after the longest time, I finally convinced her to seek counselling to help her self esteem. It worked. So well in fact that she just broke up with me because she "finally realized she could do so much better" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after I went to collect my pay for babysitting, the girl's dad pulled the old "Can I pay you in Trident Layers?" bull on me. Hoping to show that I wasn't going to play ball, I told him that watching his gran inhale a cock would be funnier. If scowls could kill... FML

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By cartrouble - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

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By whinywiper - Canada

Today, I realized that the reason there is no toilet paper in the house is because both my parents are too stubborn to be the one who goes out to buy more. It's been five days. FML

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By nozVail - United States

Today, I drove to my cousin's house so he could help me fix my broken tail light. On the way there, I got pulled over for having a broken tail light. FML

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By Julie - United States - East Brunswick

Today, I woke up to find our Christmas tree knocked over, unwrapped presents scattered everywhere, and my mom passed out on the sofa with a bottle of booze. Merry Christmas. FML

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By pipers - United States - Northfield

Today, I spent several hundred dollars having our pipes and septic system fixed. Tonight, I watched my husband pour about a half-liter of bacon grease into the sink. Better keep the septic guy on speed dial. FML

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By Mister_FML - 12/8/2020 08:01

Didn't think it through

Today, I was at my new store, fixing it up. I was about to leave, so I took my clothes off to let the dirty ones dry, as I had other clothes in my car. I walked to the back of my store and the back door locked. The car was locked. I was in my boxers with no phone and no way to go home for 3 hours. FML

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By okay17 - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. I hadn't even gotten her name yet, because the first thing she said to me instead was that she wanted to hang her confederate flag on the wall. I'm black. FML

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By Jeathrow - United States

Today, after recently moving to an apartment, we've already been asked if we wanted to buy drugs, had a children's chair thrown through the front window, our door painted with "CUNT LICKER" and my laundry stolen. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend still won't get a job, because he's convinced he's going to make millions inventing and selling carbonated ketchup. FML

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By cathouse - United Kingdom

Today, my family came back from holiday to discover that my little sister had messed with the cat flap before we left. Several stray cats were able to come in, but were unable to get out, and left shit in various areas around the house. FML

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By Phil - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

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By MrOh - Canada

Today, my wife didn't say a word to me because her horoscope told her not to. FML

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Top comments

By F_ME | 0

#8929 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:21

damn that sucks!!!!!!! frickin hoes!!!!!

By AwkwardHomo | 0

#8943 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:37

Yeah, definitely go sex crazy. And go see an All Blacks game, New Zealand rugby is awesome!

COMMENTS

By F_ME | 0

#8929 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:21

damn that sucks!!!!!!! frickin hoes!!!!!

marleytooyou | 0

#967046 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 2:06

awww that does suck

Metzler31 | 17

#968925 - Saturday 27 March 2010 3:57

at first I thought he meant the text message cost him 15,000 dollars! I was all confused.

banna2286 | 0

#976540 - Thursday 8 April 2010 18:34

when will peple realize that these romantic suprises never work out

NoelZ | 0

#1132060 - Saturday 24 July 2010 7:17

115 your fucking stupid. kbye

SW500 | 13

#3264686 - Saturday 10 September 2011 2:04

Yeah there's something with Michigan chicks...

bannamann | 4

#3595633 - Thursday 17 November 2011 1:08

It was only 1,500 dollars not 15,000

muahahahahamoo | 5

#4200486 - Thursday 22 March 2012 15:20

#127 ; hey bro, not all michigan girls have problems. some of them are nice.! like meeee. lol :p

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#8930 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:22

KIWI ZING!!!

By Dr_Phil | 0

#8931 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:25

This reminds me of a song that goes like this (please don't mod me):
Bitches aint s**t but hoes and tricks.
Lick on these nuts and suck the d***.

CrinkleFrie2014 | 0

#4346514 - Tuesday 24 April 2012 1:44

Where in Michigan?

By JohnnyS_fml | 0

#8942 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:34

You know what dude? I know how you feel... i did the same, except I'm in New York and she was in California... ya just gotta keep on truckin'...or flying.

By AwkwardHomo | 0

#8943 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:37

Yeah, definitely go sex crazy. And go see an All Blacks game, New Zealand rugby is awesome!

By Amkii | 0

#8946 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:39

While you're there, have some crazy fun!

Then make that slut-ass ex-gf of yours pay you back.

Circles | 18

#6222834 - Friday 6 March 2015 6:38

Why should she pay him back? She didn't tell him to fly there. She isn't obligated to stay in a relationship if it's not what she wants

By Ole_Stinker | 0

#8949 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:42

That sucks, but it gives you an opportunity to go on a bender in NZ- I suggest you start now. If you arn't already drunk, make sure there is a cold Steinlager in your hand in the next 15 minutes.

By PureGold | 0

#8952 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:44

Oh no!!! And as soon as you arrived there too, ugh...I'm sorry that happened to you. It sucks x(

And # 14, I think you kinda missed the point of what they were saying haha...reread the posts :P

By secret_fml | 0

#8955 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:44

aww that really stinks, i'm sorry..who breaks up with a text message?! while they are on the other side of the world?!!!
but that was a really sweet thing to do..and i've heard new zealand is beautiful=]

vanillacocoa | 6

#4315553 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 5:56

It is, I live there

By MyFullContrast | 0

#8961 - Saturday 28 February 2009 0:53

Forget her !
Enjoy yourself now!

It'll be stupid if you spent all that money and just went back home.