Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth...

By Ariel - 2/6/2009 12:19 - Israel

Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Boom, headshot

By Deety - 18/1/2017 08:11

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By anun - 14/1/2014 14:06 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

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By someoneelsessaliva - 5/6/2010 06:59 - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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By corasmom - 27/7/2011 18:09 - United States

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2014 18:46 - United States - Swartz Creek

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML

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By sally - 4/11/2018 12:00

Today, my son watched some ridiculous Japanese cartoon about shokugeki cooking and is convinced he's the greatest cook ever by copying what happens in the show. He set fire to my frying pan, panicked, and dumped it in the ceramic sink, which cracked from the heat and flooded my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2019 00:00

Today, my anxiety has been so bad, I have had vivid dreams of my boyfriend of 6 months cheating on me. This is not the first time these dreams have happened, and I know for a fact he is not cheating. My anxiety is going to turn me into the crazy girlfriend from hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 08:16 - Australia

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

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By "lildale92" - 5/11/2019 02:00

So cute

Today, my youngest decided my phone needed a bath in the toilet. FML

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By danthecomplicate - 29/9/2011 02:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend changed her relationship status on Facebook to 'It's Complicated' because I didn't give her my last cookie. This happens all the time. FML

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By engagedmaybe - 2/2/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2015 20:55 - Australia - Caroline Springs

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

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By sochunky - 5/1/2016 22:23 - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By keifer13 - 3/6/2009 05:22 - United States

Today, it was my high school graduation. I brought my camera to capture these last memories, only to discover that the batteries were dead. When I got home and went to change them, I realized they were not dead, they were just put in the wrong way. FML

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By Don't text and work - 23/6/2009 05:04 - France

Today, at work I got told off by my manager for texting while working. Enraged by this, I trash talked her to the new girl at work. The new girl, a.k.a. my manager's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2013 22:29 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

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By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 17:35 - United States - Keuka Park

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

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By need an appendickectomy - 17/3/2013 20:12 - Finland

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for months. It all started while I was in the hospital, he says, because we were supposed to go out that day, but then I "had to go and get sick". He blames my emergency surgery for his infidelity. FML

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By Sherry - 11/7/2012 13:29 - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

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By Why Me - 20/10/2014 03:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my neighbor finally decided that when she walks her dog, she should pick up his poop. She also decided to leave the poop-filled bags in my driveway. I confronted her about this and she claimed it's never happened. I've watched her multiple times from my front window. FML

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By Unclicked - 1/8/2009 11:58 - Singapore

Today, my long-distance boyfriend wanted to spend time online with me. He kept quiet on Skype and went on a hundred different stupid websites, laughing by himself. Afterwards, he told me he really enjoyed our time together. FML

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By kitty - 18/10/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, while talking about my plans for college, I was interrupted so my family could discuss my brother's zit. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2016 01:43 - Canada - Moncton

Today, I discovered that the pain I've had for the past couple of weeks was actually due to a broken collar bone. Now work won't pay for the treatment I need because I continued to work despite the pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 00:01

BFF

Today, I just found out my best friend is a hooker. I just thought she worked nights and had terrible taste in clothes. FML

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By blarp - 17/10/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom. The guy in the urinal next to me was making loud sounds of discomfort. I ignored him and finished up. I turned around to be greeted by his red swollen beehive of a crotch, and him asking, "Is my penis supposed to look like this?" FML

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By my eyes!! - 27/5/2020 08:00

Knock next time

Today, I walked in on my husband's elderly parents getting it on. It’s beautiful they still love each other, I just wish they hadn’t decided to express that love on our living room sofa. FML

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By That Girl with the Amazon Parrot - 4/1/2014 07:21 - United States

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 23:06 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

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By Anonyname - 18/5/2014 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2011 06:34 - Canada

Today, I was chased on my bike by a couple of guys in a car. I rode into a public park to cut through and try to lose them. I looked by to check if they were following me, but they had to stop. I laughed, looked forward, and rammed into a little girl. FML

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By frustrated girlfriend - 29/12/2016 03:30 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend and I spent all day preparing an amazing meal for my extended family, and then 3 hours before dinner his crazy mother forced him home because she felt "excluded". He's spent the past 3 days with her. There's no way for me to keep him and get rid of her. FML

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By Does this thought count? - 1/8/2014 00:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my ex-boyfriend surprised me with a gorgeous, giant stuffed tiger as a belated birthday gift. I thought it was a lovely gesture until a friend told me she had thrown it in the dumpster behind our building this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2015 05:03

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

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By FathersDay - 22/6/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

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By AshamedDaughter - 17/8/2011 07:14 - Canada

Today, my Dad and I went to McDonald's, only to have him shove two handfuls of sugar packets into the bag. He said, "If it's for free, why only take one?" To make it worse, my crush was at the till, watching what was happening. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2012 20:13 - Canada - Pierrefonds

Today, I was at a Chinese buffet, and I got a fortune cookie. I opened it, and it said, "The love of your life is sitting across from you". The only thing across from me was an empty chair. FML

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By How strange - 20/4/2013 12:02 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was in the kitchen, he got three text messages, all of which were from "Babe 2", "Babe 3", and "Babe 4". FML

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Top comments

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#255226 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:13

damnnn thats rough. forward her a breast enlargement offer

By DarthFurby | 0

#255194 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:08

Haha ouch.

Kind of a bitch way to give you the hint.

COMMENTS

By DarthFurby | 0

#255194 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:08

Haha ouch.

Kind of a bitch way to give you the hint.

xxbadassbitchxx | 0

#973287 - Friday 2 April 2010 23:38

is she a slutty wife? lol dump the bitch

liamkilcoyne | 0

#1023260 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 0:55

hahah so funny. try and find one to revive bucket fanny and wizards sleeves :D

By Mr_Positive | 3

#255195 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:08

I think she was really jk, otherwise she'd talk to you about it and suggest it straight up front

By Fisshie | 0

#255205 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:10

Take the hint.

By hpnerd | 0

#255206 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:10

your name is Ariel?

By seonfire | 0

#255209 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:10

*HINT HINT*

By trish27 | 0

#255210 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:10

Oh....wow.... I'm sorry, but that is hilarious!

By genius_man16 | 0

#255221 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:12

I hope she was kidding.

If she wasn't I'd leave her. You don't want to be married to someone so superficial.

By Ilovelife07 | 0

#255226 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:13

damnnn thats rough. forward her a breast enlargement offer

ChronicReese | 3

#7744190 - Friday 28 December 2018 3:04

lmao

By FYourSEXLYFE | 0

#255228 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:13

#7 has obviously never given someone an orgasm...

By deliciouskaek | 1

#255229 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 20:13

I lol'd.