Today, I woke up, rolled over, and kissed the boy who was peacefully sleeping next to me, cheerfully saying, "Good morning, baby!" That boy is my dog. FML
Today, I took multiple pictures of my blanket and pillow pet, trying to get the "perfect pose" so I could post it on Facebook with a cheesy joke. I'm 30. FML
Today, I rubbed chilli powder on my fingers in an attempt to kick the habit of biting my nails. Ten minutes later I went to the bathroom. It still burns. FML
b5b0n36 tells us more.
b5b0n36 27
hey, OP here. thanks for the suggestion! I will look into it cause chilli powder was a horrible disaster hahaha
Today, while making love, my girlfriend accidentally kicked me in the face when changing positions. She then got mad at me when I went soft due to the pain. FML
ItsGoneForever tells us more.
Hello, I am OP. Just a bit of clarification :-) Things were really heated and my gf was just really aroused as we hadn't seen each other for a while, so she was really into it. However, when she was cooled down again she apologized and we had a good laugh about it. And of course had another go later that evening ;-)
Today, while finishing up raking leaves, I decided it would be a fun idea to jump into them. After rolling around in the leaves for a bit, I smelled something funny. Turns out I was rolling around in dog shit. FML
Today, I bought a new goldfish. While leaving my fish on my balcony to go get fish food, I hear a loud squawk and splash, I race outside to see a bird flying off with my fish. FML
Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML
Today, my housemate and I had rough passionate sex in every room of the house. Being that I'm 18 and he's 32, it was a new thing for me. I just received a call from my mother stating that they would not be paying for the baby they watched us make through their wireless cams in our house. FML
BabsZilla tells us more.
OP Here. To answer some questions and lay down some facts. My housemate and I lived with my parents for a long time until I turned 18, then we had a house all lined up, and we moved out together about 15 minutes away. Not far, I am still in High School, and I wanted to remain close to my parents. I am of legal age here in Cali, and we are "careful" (Meaning we have safe sex with the pull-out method and birth control) My parents came into our house with the spare key I gave my mother for EMERGENCIES and planted 28 nanny-cams EVERYWHERE! We had to go through every piece of furniture and decor that we have to find them all. She called me literally 5 minutes after we finished having our "fun" to tell me she was watching me. I love my mum, but if this was to "protect" me, that's taking it too far. Thanks for commenting. Needless to say, we only have sex in the bedroom now...
Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds of passive-aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML
Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML
Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML
Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML
Today, it was pouring rain outside, I had two textbooks in my hands. I took a shortcut, and instead of running around the small pole that directed the line at the cafe, I decided to jump over it. In front of a group of guys, my foot got caught and I faceplanted with my books flying everywhere. FML
Today, after meeting my new girlfriend, my mom dyed and cut her hair the exact same way my girlfriend has hers. FML
TacoMan32 tells us more.
TacoMan32 21
Holy shit, this got published. I was having a garbage day, and this just made it! Okay, so My girlfriends a red head with medium length hair, while my mom was a blond. They met a few days ago, but when I got home from school yesterday, my mom, low and behold, sported her new hairstyle. When she asked me how I liked it, I was speechless. When I told my girlfriend what had happened, she looked at me like I was crazy ;-; Anyways, I hope I did the follow up right, never done one before
Today, we got our results for our final grade English paper on which I worked my butt off on, and also which I let my best-friend copy off from. I received a E- and two detentions for plagiarism. My friend got a A-. All she said was, "Oh well, at least you tried your best". FML
Today, I decided to wear string panties. While in line at the mall, they became untied. I was wearing a skirt. FML
Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML
Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down her shirt to scratch a rash on her back, before putting it back on the shelf. FML
Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML
Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML
Today, while driving to a client's home, I received a text. Since I loathe those who text and drive, I pulled into a convenience store's parking lot. While I was texting, a car sped into the lot, rear-ending my car. FML
Today, I was showing my new iPhone case to my friends, saying how it was scratchproof, shockproof, and waterproof. I demonstrated it by dropping it on the sidewalk from about 5 feet. It bounced onto the road. Apparently, its not truck-proof. FML
Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML
Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML
Today, I was in the park for a walk when a ball rolled to my feet. Figuring it belonged to the kids not far off, I wound back and kicked. The ball had actually been kicked by someone else for their dog to chase and I ended up punting it in the head. FML
Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML
Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me while I had a fever from a stomach virus. I was shivering with cold sweats while she explained there was nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would regret not giving her cheating ex a second chance. FML
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