Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled... - FML

By Smooth - 11/4/2009 07:38 - United States

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16319

You deserved it

112005

Tweet

Share

Boozehound

The best cat

Everyone's an expert

By aunty_social - 25/8/2018 14:30

Today, I took my 5-year-old nephew camping. I was about to take him to the outhouse for a bathroom break when he flung the door of the camper open and shouted at the top of his lungs to the entire campground, "We are going to poop now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2204

You deserved it

290

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 21:08 - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41738

You deserved it

9728

Tweet

Share

By suhleedah18 - 24/4/2012 18:49 - United States

Today, I realized just how bad my problem with making eye contact is, when I caught myself looking the other way when the singer in a music video looked directly at the camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24734

You deserved it

4928

Tweet

Share

By MynameisntToby - 10/12/2009 03:26 - United States

Today, it was raining downtown. I saw an elderly woman crossing the street so I lend her my umbrella and help her across. When we get to the other side, she says "Thank you Toby," and then refuses to give back "her" umbrella to me, loudly enough for a nearby cop to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31877

You deserved it

2774

Tweet

Share

By tingleballs - 28/4/2016 14:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14707

You deserved it

5188

Tweet

Share

By sashimi9999 - 7/2/2014 01:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, while cleaning a carpet in my house, something in it sliced my foot. I couldn't find what it was, so I went to clean the wound. 10 minutes later, I sliced my foot again on the same thing. I still can't figure out what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50121

You deserved it

5855

Tweet

Share

By sue - 31/5/2017 00:00

I agree, your life sucks

2597

You deserved it

259

Tweet

Share

By toonice - 17/7/2014 20:48 - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47601

You deserved it

4713

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 20:35 - United States

Today, I found out I have an abscess in my bellybutton which causes me extreme pain and discomfort when I sit down. I am a receptionist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30036

You deserved it

2641

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/10/2015 06:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my friend to come sit next to me in class. I pulled out the chair next to me. Coincidentally, she started to sit at that same moment. Now both she and my teacher are convinced I did it on purpose, and they want to have a talk with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23306

You deserved it

2393

Tweet

Share

By leosmom - 25/11/2018 03:00

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1889

You deserved it

1197

Tweet

Share

By bonnmo - 11/11/2018 11:30 - United States

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2869

You deserved it

267

Tweet

Share

By I hate Walmart???? - 24/2/2014 09:36 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I went to the self-checkout line at Walmart. When I tried to pay, the cash wouldn't go in, so I stood there trying to cram money into the thing that's supposed to take your money. What I didn't realize was that there was a sign up top that said: "No Cash. Cards Only." FML

I agree, your life sucks

17875

You deserved it

41472

Tweet

Share

By Not A Pervert - 4/11/2014 00:00 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36859

You deserved it

5677

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/2/2010 20:36 - United States

Today, I discovered that when business is slow at my family-owned store, my daughter and another employee make a habit of sneaking away to the back room. I have literally been paying this kid to screw around with my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35328

You deserved it

5176

Tweet

Share

By Watchyourstep - 20/10/2009 17:11 - France

Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37525

You deserved it

4738

Tweet

Share

By gas money - 22/11/2015 04:34 - United States - Reno

Today, I found $100 on the ground. My mom is taking $40 because she was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25708

You deserved it

3459

Tweet

Share

By blonde - 29/9/2010 07:08 - Australia

Today, I saw a crash on the highway. The police weren't yet there, so I pulled over to help because I know CPR. No one needed CPR, but I had locked myself out of my car. My roadside assist won't come to highways, so I had to get towed away in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27808

You deserved it

6516

Tweet

Share

By mama - 30/6/2019 07:09

Today, I went to the doctor's office after getting a positive pregnancy test. She did another one to confirm the result, which came back negative. My husband is wandering around with a great big smile on his face, because he isn't going to have a "rugrat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1597

You deserved it

305

Tweet

Share

By embarrassed4life - 25/6/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when the girl in the stall next to me started asking me how I was doing. Thinking it was weird but not wanting to be rude, I answered her questions. Halfway though our conversation she said: "Hold on, the girl in the stall next to me thinks I'm talking to her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51023

You deserved it

15632

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2019 20:00

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1515

You deserved it

931

Tweet

Share

By HelloDrMeAgain - 24/12/2016 14:45

Today my girlfriends "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting & cold sweating while passing acidic/blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

I agree, your life sucks

8840

You deserved it

593

Tweet

Share

By IPicasso - 27/3/2017 00:00

Today, my brother sent me over a dozen screenshots from his phone, because he couldn't work out why it wasn't capturing all the paint he'd managed to smear on the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3286

You deserved it

255

Tweet

Share

By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36182

You deserved it

4120

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/1/2015 01:26 - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29351

You deserved it

4368

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/6/2015 05:03

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33406

You deserved it

2560

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 10:26 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, after finally falling asleep, my boyfriend woke me up and got extremely mad at me. My offense? My pillow was touching his side of the bed. After yelling at me, he's now sleeping on the couch, and I'm lying in bed wide awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26377

You deserved it

3018

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 14:18 - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for various people; 17 to be exact. It wasn't until I placed the last present on top of the stack that I realized I didn't put gift tags on any of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12969

You deserved it

40627

Tweet

Share

By dazzla08 - 26/3/2011 00:07

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54420

You deserved it

3313

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/3/2017 16:00

Today, I got a phone call from my boss, who'd hired me after two months of waiting and begging for this position. A week into the job, the company is closing our store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4603

You deserved it

325

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 20:48 - United States

Today, my pet rat had babies. We've only ever owned one rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31566

You deserved it

6006

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/11/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, my son told me he was afraid of monsters under his bed. When I poked my head under to show him nothing was there, the family cat sprang out and clawed me in the face. Now I have a gash on my chin, and my son refuses to go anywhere near his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36895

You deserved it

3795

Tweet

Share

By Killmenow - 11/2/2009 14:08 - United Kingdom

Today, having just told me what a great job I've been doing and how he'd really like to start giving me some more responsibility, my boss asked me if I'd sharpen a couple of pencils for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32618

You deserved it

2729

Tweet

Share

By rowie1311 - 27/3/2011 18:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48420

You deserved it

30997

Tweet

Share

By J - 30/8/2016 17:20 - United States - Englewood

Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13417

You deserved it

1501

Tweet

Share

By sopissed - 13/6/2012 18:13 - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29531

You deserved it

3586

Tweet

Share

By anal-retentive - 23/6/2016 20:00 - United States

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15091

You deserved it

4158

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/8/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, wanting to be romantic, I came home with flowers, and told my girlfriend I love her and that I never want us to fall apart. Before I could finish my second sentence, she farted, said, "Aww, that's so sweet" and quickly excused herself to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26008

You deserved it

2884

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/7/2012 14:50 - United States

Today, I received my best compliment of the year so far when an ER doctor commented positively on the clarity of my urine sample. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22635

You deserved it

2340

Tweet

Share

By Jared - 25/2/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7986

You deserved it

30704

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Wandering_fml | 0

#102644 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:57

Sucks for you. YDI for just leaving like that.

By manoverboard | 0

#102648 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:58

ROTFL.
That's what you gettt.
Karma much?

Comments

By guitardedman | 0

#102640 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:57

hahaha smooth

By Wandering_fml | 0

#102644 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:57

Sucks for you. YDI for just leaving like that.

By manoverboard | 0

#102648 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:58

ROTFL.
That's what you gettt.
Karma much?

By guitardedman | 0

#102650 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:56

hahaha smooth

By guitardedman | 0

#102658 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:03

haha smooth

By Jaxro | 6

#102689 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:20

Repost....

By cyxx | 0

#102700 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:05

Yeah YDI for just hooking up and then leaving.

By caitie_roxs13 | 0

#102703 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:07

that is why you keep keys in your pants and you wouldn't have this problem.

By ohshitcock | 0

#102722 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:33

Hahaha that sucks. I've tried sneaking out of a guy's house after hooking up but I guess he was a light sleeper because he woke up. Yeah I left anyway.

By AsianGuy | 2

#102730 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:34

haha just go back repeat what you did and leave again.
rinse and repeat. if that doesnt work, 3rd times the charm