Intimacy: Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled... - FML

By Smooth - United States

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

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KoBabe

Fashion Police

Billy no-mates

By tryingnottocare - United Kingdom

Today, after being supportive for nearly a year, my brother finally came out of the closet and introduced the family to his new boyfriend. His new boyfriend happens to be my ex-boyfriend. Guess I know why that didn't work out now. FML

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By idiot says pussy - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good... you left a nipple..." and slowly licked it off. FML

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By ktiskool - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

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By assassinmaster

Today, I saw a kid taking a dump next to my lawn. The good news: his mother picked up the poop to discard it. The bad news: she put it in my mailbox. I now have a pile of smelly brownish tissue-wrapped goo baking under the hot sun inside my mailbox. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clermont

Today, I was given a lapdance by a pregnant stripper. FML

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By RandomTurtle109 - United States - White River Junction

Today, I woke up late, got ready within 10 minutes and drove to work. I walked in and apologized to my boss. He said, "Go Home, it's your day off..." Walk of Shame. FML

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By grossedout - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to ask one of my coworkers if we were supposed to return a client's teeth to her. I work at a jewellery store. FML

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By You Are My Sunshine - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, a guy from work that I barely know gave me sunflowers for my birthday. He told me, "You mentioned they were your favorite." I mentioned it to my family at home a few days ago. FML

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By DreDre

The charity

Today, I found out that the dude I love has been taking the money I used to support him and buying heroin with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while going up a ski-lift I accidentally dropped my ticket. The ticket I needed at the top to come back down. I had to hike down the mountain in flip-flops. FML

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By Nicole557 - United States

Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though, with my cat. FML

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By 2234 - United States

Today, I was tossing my car keys into the air and catching them. I threw them up really high, only to have them land in the branches of the palm tree outside my door, at the very top. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - France

Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML

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By Dor51 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 05:02

Gotta start somewhere

Today, I found out my parents paid my "best friend" to be my friend for the past 7 years. She's my only friend too. FML

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By Lord Kane of Flatulon - Australia - Warrnambool

Today, I found out my dad has been using the flip-flops I wear in the shower. The reason I wear them is to prevent myself from getting his nasty foot fungus. FML

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By Jaymz

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

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By EwwEwwEww - United States - Portland

Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML

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By dont_shit_where_i_eat

Today, during the few free minutes I had while rushing between meetings, I grabbed a plain slice of pizza to go. I stepped outside, ready to eat and walk, when a friendly pigeon flew overhead and added a "free topping" to my slice. FML

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By David Ryan - 11/9/2020 09:02 - United Kingdom

Brain worms

Today, I was walking by a neighbour when he said, "Is your dad home?" I swiftly replied, "I'm good thanks." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

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By Oragami - 12/6/2020 14:07

Galaxy brain take

Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

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By whatrights - United States

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

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By bird problems - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, since I've been paying attention to my newborn, my pet cockatoo learned to cry like the baby on the middle of the night. I haven't gotten more than four hours of sleep. FML

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By metalmeow

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

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By WellShit - United States - New Richland

Today, I found out that there's something my new wife hates more than spiders. Black people. FML

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By ChubbyAmerican - United States

Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML

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By fuckingcool

Today, my mother once again brought up how I would have done so much better in my Track season if I just smiled while I ran. Apparently, if you just smile, your brain won't know you're in pain. I don't think it works like that, but thanks for the advice mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2020 02:00

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML

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By experience_to_get_experience - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I turned 25. I'm single, still living at home and doing an unpaid internship in an industry I have no interest in, because it was the only accepted application after 6 months of unemployment. The daily 45-minute drive means I'm losing money every week for being "employed" with a PhD. FML

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By Time for a haircut - United States

Today, I was getting out of my car, when my new neighbor asked if I'd help him unhitch a trailer. On my way over, he said, "Oh never mind, I thought you were a boy." I am a boy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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By loverpants - United States

Today, I made the "Good luck, We'll miss you!" sign for my own going away party. FML

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By chairlee - United States

Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend uninvited to me a party because she said her ex would be there, and since she hasn't told him about us, she didn't want him getting upset. FML

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By McFizzy321 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

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Top comments

By Wandering_fml | 0

#102644 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:57

Sucks for you. YDI for just leaving like that.

By manoverboard | 0

#102648 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:58

ROTFL.
That's what you gettt.
Karma much?

COMMENTS

By guitardedman | 0

#102640 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:57

hahaha smooth

By Wandering_fml | 0

#102644 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:57

Sucks for you. YDI for just leaving like that.

By manoverboard | 0

#102648 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:58

ROTFL.
That's what you gettt.
Karma much?

By guitardedman | 0

#102650 - Saturday 11 April 2009 19:56

hahaha smooth

By guitardedman | 0

#102658 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:03

haha smooth

By Jaxro | 6

#102689 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:20

Repost....

By cyxx | 0

#102700 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:05

Yeah YDI for just hooking up and then leaving.

By caitie_roxs13 | 0

#102703 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:07

that is why you keep keys in your pants and you wouldn't have this problem.

By ohshitcock | 0

#102722 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:33

Hahaha that sucks. I've tried sneaking out of a guy's house after hooking up but I guess he was a light sleeper because he woke up. Yeah I left anyway.

By AsianGuy | 2

#102730 - Saturday 11 April 2009 20:34

haha just go back repeat what you did and leave again.
rinse and repeat. if that doesnt work, 3rd times the charm