Health: Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down... - FML

By TheSneakyNugget - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down her shirt to scratch a rash on her back, before putting it back on the shelf. FML

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Commando

Rich people problems

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because "Nobody's that happy without drugs". FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By kengu - Norway

Today, I mopped all the floors in my house. When I was finally done, I accidentally knocked over an open bottle of soda. My cats took this as a perfect opportunity to chase each other around, step in the soda, and track sticky paw prints everywhere. FML

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By highlycontagious - United States

Today, while walking through the fragrance area in a shopping center a women behind me asked; "Excuse me miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line." I'm a 19 year old male. I turned around expecting her to correct herself. She didn't. FML

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By Longhorn2011 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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By mike - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my dead phone that had been missing for two weeks. I turned it on to see that I had only gotten 2 text messages during the two weeks. They were both from my mother. FML

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By mnote - United States - Sapulpa

Today, I didn't make dinner fast enough so somebody had a yelling and screaming temper tantrum. It would be understandable if the person who threw the tantrum was a child, and not my 57-year-old father. FML

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By gkid92 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

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By unluckycounsellor - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

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By Jenn - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

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By Getmeout - United States - Hartfield

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By Ladieda - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, my parents think it's so hot outside that it's okay for them to work in the garden naked. FML

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By raspberrysachere

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

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By OverweightTeen - Canada

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By JurassicHole - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

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By never thought I'd say that - Norway - Stavanger

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I opted to stay cool and wear my bathing suit all day. My mom took it as me rubbing in the fact that I'm thinner than her and grounded me. FML

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By fear - 17/12/2020 00:02 - United States - Denver

CIA-level batshittery

Today, an angry customer from my old job and punched me in the face before screaming; “You thought you’d seen the last of me?” I moved seven states over and she followed me here just to do that. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2020 17:00

Let it all out

Today, I had too much to eat at dinner. I had to cut sexy time with my husband short because I couldn't do it. I feel bad because it's his birthday today but we stopped. I then proceeded to throw up everything I ate today. FML

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By Hollywoodanonymous - United States

Today, I had a relaxing night watching movies with my room-mates. Everyone but I had a girl over to lie with during the movie. The closest I got all night was the multiple times my room-mate's dog tried to mount me. FML

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By Glutton for Punishment. - France

Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

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By Bandking - United States - Cleveland

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

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By Ravhi Karia - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

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By burned - United States

Today, my boyfriend was cooking me dinner. He walked away and I decided to help by giving the pan of veggies a sautee flip. My boyfriend failed to mention that he had just pulled that pan out of a 500 degree oven. FML

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By Should have stayed in the closet

Today, I was leaving college when my yearlong roommate said that he "needed me inside him" before I left. Having just accepted that I’m gay, we had sex. Only later did I learn about the floor-wide bet about me being gay. I still don’t know if my roommate fucked me for fun or for 5 cases of beer. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By TrolleyCollector - Australia - Seymour

Today, at work, the shopping carts have coin locks on them so people put them back or don't go stealing them. A lady couldn't find a coin, so I unlocked one with my key and said to her, "It doesn't look like you will run off and steal it" as a joke. She replied, "I can't run darling, I have an artificial leg." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

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By yum yogurt - United States

Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML

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By JMU - United States

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

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By -_- - United States - Amherst

Today, my boss gave me the job of dealing with the guys doing the roofing at our store. His reasoning is that since we're all Hispanic, I'm perfect for the job because "You guys all know each other." FML

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By coral - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

Today, I never really thought that my boyfriend and brother having the same name was too weird. Until I called out his name during climax. FML

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By .__. - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

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By yblamemebiatch - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

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Top comments

By Bonafonte | 24

#6588108 - Monday 25 April 2016 10:39

Maybe it wasn't the right brush for her backhair. Don't judge.

By TabooSushi | 24

#6588130 - Monday 25 April 2016 11:17

I hope you told someone, or sent it to your claims department as a biohazard if you are an employee. That's disgusting. I always wash new brushes before I use them anyway, but now I might flat out BOIL THEM.

COMMENTS

By wheresmymary | 22

#6588098 - Monday 25 April 2016 10:32

Ew

By team_garra | 8

#6588101 - Monday 25 April 2016 10:34

Well, I guess it's alright because it wasn't a hairy situation. I would give you a scratch on the back for noticing, but that sucks.

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#6588129 - Monday 25 April 2016 11:15

Please stop.

Reply

ADOG2645 | 17

#6588156 - Monday 25 April 2016 13:07

That... That was just... No

Reply

krazy789 | 28

#6588211 - Monday 25 April 2016 14:54

you're trying way too hard

Reply

Miss_Whipped | 43

#6588240 - Monday 25 April 2016 15:30

'Tis the FML tradition: pick an FML, make shitty pun(s) in the comments, get downvoted into oblivion.

Reply

RebelDiaries | 11

#6588273 - Monday 25 April 2016 16:19

Nice to know that people can't take a joke on this site anymore...

Reply

trollcrusher | 17

#6588964 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 6:58

People can take jokes and leave them. Forcing a string of awkward puns together isn't enough to make me laugh; it merits a cringe at the most. There are still plenty of good jokes to be found around here, usually with lots of thumbs up, so I have to say you're mistaken.

By llama_monicz | 21

#6588102 - Monday 25 April 2016 10:34

This is why I have trust issues

By wheresmymary | 22

#6588103 - Monday 25 April 2016 10:35

Ew

By Bonafonte | 24

#6588108 - Monday 25 April 2016 10:39

Maybe it wasn't the right brush for her backhair. Don't judge.

By anyagrande | 31

#6588116 - Monday 25 April 2016 10:48

I wish i could unread this

By tranced_ | 44

#6588123 - Monday 25 April 2016 11:02

is it just me or anybody else getting turned on rn?! jk

Reply

wheresmymary | 22

#6588127 - Monday 25 April 2016 11:08

Just you

Reply

rag97 | 6

#6588205 - Monday 25 April 2016 14:30

Definitely just you.

By domolovesyoshi | 33

#6588126 - Monday 25 April 2016 11:05

You really should tell the staff that could be infectious

By TabooSushi | 24

#6588130 - Monday 25 April 2016 11:17

I hope you told someone, or sent it to your claims department as a biohazard if you are an employee. That's disgusting. I always wash new brushes before I use them anyway, but now I might flat out BOIL THEM.

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6588143 - Monday 25 April 2016 12:07

Burn the brush.