Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation...

By JJMan217 - 29/3/2011 06:28 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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Intimacy

Clocked

Ambien conversations are the worst

Doomed

By ghost? - 16/12/2012 08:31 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

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By YaytoSeniorYear - 5/9/2017 20:00

Today, my roommate revealed that she's dating my ex. I later had to navigate around them caressing each other just to grab my noodles from the microwave. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

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By whatarethisss - 29/1/2016 16:20 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had to teach my 16-year-old brother how to use a toaster. He thought you just plug it in and wait for it to "pre-heat." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, I found out that the blind man I've been helping for months at the grocery store by carrying his shopping around and stuff was actually faking his blindness. FML

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By didntevenknow - 13/8/2012 15:06 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML

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By lakb - 13/12/2010 15:27

Today, I missed work because I was at the hospital getting treated for accidentally inhaling chlorine gas. I didn't realize that using Comet Industrial Strength Cleanser to scrub out a cat litter pan could be so hazardous. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2015 19:54 - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 19:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my dad speaks to me the same way he speaks to my dog when she's done something bad. FML

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By caaarl - 19/4/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

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By Helena - 25/9/2018 03:00

Today, I was on my Wheel of Time fanfiction roleplay chatting seductively with my virtual lover while taking a break from doing some work, only to realize that I had accidentally sent the revenue report to my fellow fanfiction lover and used magic to undress my boss. FML

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By :) - 22/4/2010 17:37 - Greece

Today, I was getting my portrait done. The artist told me to smile. He looked at me, then said, "Oh, don't smile." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 12:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to catch a coach to London at 4 in the morning. I was late so I had to take any free seat, so sat down next to a seemingly sweet old man. Within ten minutes, the sweet old man was trying to kiss me and trying to pull me on top of him. Nobody said anything. The journey was 4 hours long. FML

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By fml_anon - 19/3/2016 08:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

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By forgetable - 28/4/2019 02:00

Today, I offered to stay late at my delivery job because it was snowing and several people called out. An hour later I got rear ended. FML

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By kennarama - 16/2/2010 16:35 - United States

Today, I sat a client down for his haircut. He pulled off his hat and his hair was dripping wet. I asked him if he had just washed it. He responded, "No, but isn't it a hot day out?" No, it's twenty degrees and overcast today. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, I spent an hour writing 80 thank you cards to everyone who attended my graduationg party. After carefully personalizing each one and sealing them shut, I realized I did not mark the envelopes with names. FML

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By weddingcrashed - 19/9/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 21:48 - United States - Round Lake

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about super heroes." FML

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By sochunky - 5/1/2016 22:23 - United Kingdom - Bromham

Today, someone had thrown up onto the last remaining seat on the train. Guess who accidentally sat in it. FML

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By "refines" - 23/9/2017 16:00

Today, I woke up to my living room covered in 8 cm of water. My $2k computer was on that floor. FML

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By have it your way - 29/4/2014 19:13 - United States - Rochester

Today, during a boat trip with my boyfriend's family, I got seasick and went to the side of the boat to puke. A current rocked the boat so badly that I fell overboard, prompting a panicked rescue and my boyfriend's mom muttering that I'm a pathetic attention whore. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2010 10:36 - South Africa

Today, my mother forwarded me an email my stepdad had sent her because he was annoyed that I left a light on last night. Talk about communication problems. I wonder how I'm going to tell them I'm pregnant. FML

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By shallowvomit1013 - 23/12/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to my house. Hoping to get a little action, i started to make out with her. Unfortunately I was wearing basketball shorts so when I got an erection all she did was bat it back forth like a cat toy. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2015 04:31 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I began taking a French language class. After completing and submitting some homework, I got a response. A response that was completely in French. I can't understand shit. FML

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By sara - 17/9/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, during gym class, my teacher insisted that everyone should relieve some stress by throwing a basketball at the wall. I wound up and hurled the thing at the wall, it bounced back and hit me in the stomach. I began to vomit uncontrollably. Even my teacher laughed. FML

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By Bex - 20/1/2017 16:00

Today, I got back home after traveling in internet-scarce areas. The first thing I did when I got a solid connection was withdraw from a study abroad program I couldn't afford. Later I found the email telling me that I had been offered an all-expenses-paid scholarship. Too bad I'm not going now. FML

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By EyesofStone - 1/6/2016 01:03 - United States

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

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By Zzz - 30/1/2017 16:00 - United States - Brighton

Today, I took a team meeting from home. More specifically, my bed. Because I make great decisions, I ended up falling asleep. At some point during my nap, my cat walked over my keyboard, turning on my webcam. I woke up to my video on and no one left in the meeting. Everyone saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Spearfish

Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I realized that my virus protection program now has a virus. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, my first graders released the butterflies we've been raising. The kids were sad that one had died in his cocoon and wouldn't be set free. Turns out that butterfly may have had a better fate: a flock of birds ate half of the others. Immediately after releasing them. In front of the kids. FML

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By Travolta - 20/5/2019 02:13

Dancing With The Stares

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

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By gkid92 - 16/8/2011 16:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

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By Scarred4Life - 11/10/2015 03:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

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By clo_bo - 30/8/2019 20:00

Today, I saw a message on my boyfriend's phone from one of his friends, saying I was a downgrade from his ex. FML

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By djfail - 1/9/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I was DJing on a popular local radio station when a pop-up window appeared on the station's computer. Of all the possible sounds that could have played, it was a girl screaming in pleasure. It went out live on air. FML

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By IhatebeingtheDD - 15/10/2010 14:08 - United States

Today, I was the designated driver for my friend's 21st birthday. On the way home from the bar, he threw up all the pasta and tequila he'd had onto the back seat of my car, and told me it was part of his whole party plan. FML

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By retailshell - 28/1/2015 15:01 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was ringing up a woman at work. I saw she'd bought a birthday cake, so I smiled and said I hope whoever it was for has a happy birthday. She looked at me in disgust, told me to mind my own business, then called me a "chucklefuck bitch". Okay then. FML

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By Celina - 12/1/2009 09:55 - United States

Today, I have -$700 in my current account, $500 from overdraft fees because I spent money they told me I had. I don't get paid till the 15th and when I cash in my paycheck all of it will go to bringing me even. So the $9 I found in my wallet this morning will have to last me untill the 30th. FML

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Top comments

By beeship321 | 5

#2261591 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

By deputy_g | 5

#2261617 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

COMMENTS

By beeship321 | 5

#2261591 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

largefoofighter | 0

#2261626 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

least your dicks clean.... not from the hand sanitizer but all the sex you're not having!! dumbass

marinus_fml | 19

#2261679 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:12

lol #9, nice one.

sterlingarcher | 1

#2261829 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:50

hahahaha ydi!!

Awesomastic | 0

#2261917 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:12

hand sanitizer has more alchohol than most drinks so its safer to just dip it in your beer next time.

Scalabrine44 | 0

#2262406 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:48

hehe good one ;)

Somedood117 | 0

#2263272 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:13

I'm dying to know which hand sanitizer so I know for future reference ;)

jakedasnakeman | 0

#2263518 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:45

rofl

Awesomastic | 0

#2263544 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:50

65, substitute beer with vodka

kruzito | 0

#2264706 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:45

62, that's poisonous alcohol

MiGman | 5

#2265385 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:47

#62 it's a slightly different type of alchohol

fHISl | 0

#2267118 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 13:18

it's a fake... saw that in american pie..

TheVariableX | 0

#2271786 - Thursday 31 March 2011 9:32

Was it purell? that stuff burns like a sonuvabitch.

iateyourmuffin | 0

#2273102 - Thursday 31 March 2011 18:17

ya just a tad :P

PedoPancakes | 7

#3961362 - Sunday 29 January 2012 14:40

Well said #1

jbuckets_404 | 38

#6653348 - Tuesday 19 July 2016 18:20

LOL! Did you too have to wear a diaper for a week? ;-)

By KZN02 | 18

#2261596 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:58

I'd rather not know the reasons ...

JtownDude | 0

#2261848 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:55

chuck Norris masterbates with lava

loski87 | 4

#2261869 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:01

^ lol

Naomiiiii | 0

#2261907 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:10

Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he gets off by roundhouse kicking Siberian tigers in the face.

docscientist | 9

#2262453 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:01

Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he fucks the universe.

maa_rico | 4

#2262660 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:00

Sorry but Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norry's ass.

maa_rico | 4

#2262694 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:05

Norris' * lol

bawpo | 2

#2262870 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:29

Perhaps in a movie Snookie. Not in real life.

rmbaker1993 | 0

#2265320 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:35

haha omg she does look like snooki!!!

crissy1234 | 0

#2265335 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:40

it is snooki!!!

MadPercussion | 0

#2265503 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:10

FUCK JERSEY SHORE. THAT SHIT IS PURE TRASH AND I AM VIRTUAL YELLING TO FURTHER EMPHASIZE IT'S MY FRUSTRATION.

devinmurnan | 0

#2265691 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:45

chuck Norris uses a blow torch and a monkey wrench to masturbate

grizzvolleyball9 | 4

#2265695 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:46

win ^^^^

LTHoratioCaine | 4

#2267165 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 13:35

but i cant do that so this pic of you will do

eragon2262 | 6

#4671474 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 10:12

Bruce Lee trained chuck Norris, and could beat chuck norris' ass until the day he died. that's a fact.

Link5794 | 16

#5099482 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 3:00

But what if Chuck Norris actually trained Bruce Lee, and was such an amazing teacher that he created a foe even he couldn't defeat?

By xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2261598 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:58

haha

JtownDude | 0

#2261852 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:56

OMGWTFCARBBQ

xFuZioN | 0

#2266256 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:43

might as well jerk it with vodka ya yard. main ingredient alcohol

xFuZioN | 0

#2266274 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:45

tard* stupid auto correct

bananahannahjo | 0

#2267818 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 18:12

lol! I thought calling them a yard was funny :)

By smump | 0

#2261603 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:59

.....

JtownDude | 0

#2261856 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:58

dotdotdotdotdot

KaySL | 24

#2261901 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:08

Don't make fun of the siamese ellipsis.

brainsoverbeauty | 21

#2269858 - Thursday 31 March 2011 2:50

This was the only time I clicked the "you totally deserved it" button while simultaneously saying out loud that the person totally deserves it.

wise1 | 1

#2273371 - Thursday 31 March 2011 19:44

op does deserve it.

but am wondering that if only certain sanitizer causes that, which sanitizers has the op used in past without any problems?

By deputy_g | 5

#2261617 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

JtownDude | 0

#2261864 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:00

Your grammar sucks.

ninjacapo | 2

#2262971 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:55

refering to bensyn? hahaha "unless u dont know where ur penis has been. in that case. purell it up"

deputy_g | 5

#2263562 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:53

51 I'm a nuclear engineer so stfu

and yep a bensyn reference

jmmille | 0

#2265442 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:59

176, He could be a nuclear engineer at 19 in the military.

ginger467 | 2

#2266319 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:58

he's 18 idiot. the fact that you cant count automatically makes your comments rubbish, Beaner.

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2269017 - Thursday 31 March 2011 0:18

What does you being a nuclear engineer have to do with anything??

insomniac8400 | 13

#5273969 - Sunday 23 December 2012 18:55

there's no such thing as a BA of science... it's called a BS a BA is a bachelor of the arts

By flockingshpoo | 0

#2261620 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

what is anti flood protection

No_LoveMM | 3

#2261706 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:15

Satan wanting your soul.

JtownDude | 0

#2261842 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:53

winning duh!

DieselBT | 0

#2261883 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:04

Anti-flood protection is what the adult diaper's for, duh.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2262023 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:49

Something that the Japanese didn't have.

I know, that was pretty bad.

nocarehere | 0

#2262035 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:53

^win. haha.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2262348 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:37

lol #74 made me crack up....now I feel like a terrible person.

Aoifexzx | 3

#2262568 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:24

it always says anti flood protection to me when I post a comment for some reason ?

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2262956 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:48

It is when you post too much, it stops you "flooding" the comments section with spam, racism or inane bull shit.

rebekahah | 7

#2263501 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:43

#74 I laughed so hard that I think I'm going to go to hell now.

cheetahbud159 | 7

#2264529 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:16

... fantastc

Ronan_k | 0

#2265101 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:01

74 - Epic win Bro

scotty2hottie48 | 0

#2265573 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:22

74 had a Charlie Sheen moment! lol

cheerislove | 0

#2282457 - Saturday 2 April 2011 18:41

hahahahhahaha i laughed so hard at this comment.!(:

lotrgeek | 10

#4056623 - Sunday 19 February 2012 20:53

Muahahahhahaha excellent!

By symwashere | 0

#2261622 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

y would you use hand sanitizer to jack off??

tylerjs12 | 0

#2261732 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:18

i know right

Tcaret300 | 12

#2262428 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:54

if the Japanese do it, who gives two shits?

Funny? IDK STOP STARING AT ME!!! D:

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#2261624 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

What in the hell made you think, "this is a good idea"?

By notquite69 | 0

#2261636 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:06

Try bleach next time.

crissybear | 8

#2261660 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:10

ha ha ha GOOD ONE 

Alicia17C | 2

#2262536 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:18

Hahahaha he probably will

benjimm1 | 0

#2263158 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 23:39

michael Jackson did.
too soon? to effing bad

laxguy96 | 6

#2265051 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 3:54

anal bleaching!

By badkittykills69 | 0

#2261649 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:09

Seriously... Why??? Ydi

DarkHelmet | 10

#2262518 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:14

because they're a fucking moron!!!