Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation...

By JJMan217 - 29/3/2011 06:28 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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Intimacy

Boozehound

Everyone's an expert

Time don't heal nothing

By XxespoxX - 11/5/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, my Dad took me to a yankee game at the new Yankees stadium. During the 5th inning the camera crew put a man on the big screen. I then yelled out "Look at that ugly asshole!" It was the guy sitting 4 seats to the left of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2011 13:25 - Australia

Today, I had to walk through an extremely crowded pub wearing a dorky prisoner outfit to get to a dress-up party at the back. When we got there, I soon realised it wasn't fancy dress, but just black-and-white themed. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 12:00 - Croatia

Family values

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

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By crazy cat lady - 3/11/2016 19:31 - Canada - Fredericton

Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

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By PoorGramps - 9/12/2009 07:39 - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

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By loko0909 - 4/1/2016 04:57 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my ex-boyfriend admitted the reason he broke up with me was because he cheated and felt awful about it. The girl is now pregnant, but he swears it isn't his. Guess we'll find out in a few months if my daughter has a sibling. FML

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By - 18/1/2017 09:02

Today, I realized that I hadn't heard anything about my upcoming class reunion. Turns out it was an invite via Facebook that I didn't receive because most of my classmates are on my block list. FML

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By stillshakinggd - 28/11/2012 21:16 - United States

Today, I was mugged at gunpoint by a senior citizen. She now has a lousy $20, and I probably have PTSD. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 17:00

Mind control

Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML

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By Not Mrs Soprano - 8/7/2013 11:57 - United States - Irvington

Today, my husband's recent obsession with The Sopranos since James Gandolfini died went a step further into the ridiculous, when he tried to encourage some ducks to land in our swimming pool by throwing loaves of bread into it, while bellowing at them with a 'Noo Joisey' Wise Guy accent. FML

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By hockeymango57 - 24/9/2017 23:15

J'accuse...!

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

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By bagadigi - 27/10/2016 14:18 - Canada - Nepean

Today, I was sitting in my old rusty truck in an empty parking lot, when some old lady parks beside me and opens her door, hitting my truck. Having a used up truck, I didn't mind. But you could tell that it made her mad, when she came back with the manager demanding that I pay for her paint job. FML

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By .__. - 16/7/2013 20:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my husband and I came clean to his overbearing parents about our private wedding. It started with them accusing him of making rash decisions, and somehow descended into an argument amongst themselves that ended with his mom deciding to divorce his dad. FML

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By a hex upon your anus, sir - 25/5/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I got on the subway with a broken leg. A kind woman stood up and offered me her seat. Before I could sit down, a guy shoved past me and took it for himself. The woman and I pointed out my cast and crutches, and asked him to give up the seat. He responded by flipping us off. FML

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By Anon - 10/6/2012 04:19 - United States

Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML

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By stupdude3 - 26/3/2012 14:51 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2011 11:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that the mother of his children, from whom he is not divorced yet, is moving back into his house because she broke up with her boyfriend and has nowhere to go. FML

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By Brooke - 9/8/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML

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By GGimabeast - 29/7/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2014 00:59

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2018 03:00

Today, I was cuddling with the girl I've been seeing for the past few months. She was saying how much she liked me and how much I meant to her. Reciprocating those feelings, I asked her to be my girlfriend. It was a HARD no for her. Then she drove me an hour and a half home. FML

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By lovehurts - 28/12/2010 20:41 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

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By mental - 2/9/2019 18:01 - United States - Norfolk

Insanity

Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML

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By SonofDonald - 22/1/2013 17:20 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a co-worker I've been interested in for some time. The topic of discussion she chose over lunch: how she's living a double-life as an escort in Flint and that she thinks she's picked up an STD from unprotected sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 12:58 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML

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By intheairtonight - 25/4/2012 06:22 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML

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By hborkowski - 27/12/2012 04:03 - United States - Asheville

Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

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By notsick - 17/3/2019 22:00

Today, my roommate invited her brother over to drink. Neither can handle their drink and her brother is a sympathy spewer. He’s not my guest but I had to clean up vomit until 4 in the morning. FML

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By "Cass Lyles" - 22/12/2019 20:00

It was a phone call

Today, I was talking to my fiancé on the phone. I said "alright see you in 10 minutes babe". My boss must have thought I was talking to him because he said "alright (my name) see you later". FML

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By screamo - 2/5/2009 20:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

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By "belladonna1025" - 29/12/2018 00:00

Today, I told a customer her total was $89.40. She put her leg up on the counter and dug a $100 bill out of her nasty sock. It was damp. FML

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By Tamps - 13/2/2009 09:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave my girlfriend a new TV as a 10th anniversary present. She gave me a torch on a keyring. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2011 02:10 - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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By JK710 - 23/6/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that the hearing in my left ear is still good. I haven't been able to hear that well out of it for 2 weeks and I thought I popped an eardrum and waited for it to heal. I stuck a Q-Tip in there to clean it out. Turns out there was actually a dead fly in my ear. For 2 weeks. FML

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By Charles Pennington - 22/11/2011 11:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2010 11:16 - Canada

Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him but I hear him in the walls. FML

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By Nightmares - 7/8/2012 02:00 - United States

FML Uncensored

Today, I surprisingly found two empty seats on the subway. Before anyone could get to them, I rushed and triumphantly sat down, enjoying my victory, until I noticed why they were empty. I had just sat down next to a guy vigorously trying to fellate himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that my dad invested my entire college fund into some shady internet stock, despite my dire warnings about being careful. He told me not to worry as he'd done some research, and he guaranteed everything would be fine. Two hours later that same stock dropped almost 75%. FML

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By Firepants - 28/8/2010 16:04 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

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By Clueless - 14/5/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to my phone company and had my text history pulled. Why? Because a few days ago my 4 year old daughter told me that, "Daddy has a wife and a girlfriend." Turns out she was right. FML

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Top comments

By beeship321 | 5

#2261591 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

By deputy_g | 5

#2261617 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

Comments

By beeship321 | 5

#2261591 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

largefoofighter | 0

#2261626 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

least your dicks clean.... not from the hand sanitizer but all the sex you're not having!! dumbass

marinus_fml | 19

#2261679 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:12

lol #9, nice one.

sterlingarcher | 1

#2261829 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:50

hahahaha ydi!!

Awesomastic | 0

#2261917 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:12

hand sanitizer has more alchohol than most drinks so its safer to just dip it in your beer next time.

Scalabrine44 | 0

#2262406 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:48

hehe good one ;)

Somedood117 | 0

#2263272 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:13

I'm dying to know which hand sanitizer so I know for future reference ;)

jakedasnakeman | 0

#2263518 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:45

rofl

Awesomastic | 0

#2263544 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:50

65, substitute beer with vodka

kruzito | 0

#2264706 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:45

62, that's poisonous alcohol

MiGman | 5

#2265385 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:47

#62 it's a slightly different type of alchohol

fHISl | 0

#2267118 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 13:18

it's a fake... saw that in american pie..

TheVariableX | 0

#2271786 - Thursday 31 March 2011 9:32

Was it purell? that stuff burns like a sonuvabitch.

iateyourmuffin | 0

#2273102 - Thursday 31 March 2011 18:17

ya just a tad :P

PedoPancakes | 7

#3961362 - Sunday 29 January 2012 14:40

Well said #1

jbuckets_404 | 38

#6653348 - Tuesday 19 July 2016 18:20

LOL! Did you too have to wear a diaper for a week? ;-)

By KZN02 | 18

#2261596 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:58

I'd rather not know the reasons ...

JtownDude | 0

#2261848 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:55

chuck Norris masterbates with lava

loski87 | 4

#2261869 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:01

^ lol

Naomiiiii | 0

#2261907 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:10

Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he gets off by roundhouse kicking Siberian tigers in the face.

docscientist | 9

#2262453 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:01

Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he fucks the universe.

maa_rico | 4

#2262660 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:00

Sorry but Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norry's ass.

maa_rico | 4

#2262694 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:05

Norris' * lol

bawpo | 2

#2262870 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:29

Perhaps in a movie Snookie. Not in real life.

rmbaker1993 | 0

#2265320 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:35

haha omg she does look like snooki!!!

crissy1234 | 0

#2265335 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:40

it is snooki!!!

MadPercussion | 0

#2265503 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:10

FUCK JERSEY SHORE. THAT SHIT IS PURE TRASH AND I AM VIRTUAL YELLING TO FURTHER EMPHASIZE IT'S MY FRUSTRATION.

devinmurnan | 0

#2265691 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:45

chuck Norris uses a blow torch and a monkey wrench to masturbate

grizzvolleyball9 | 4

#2265695 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:46

win ^^^^

LTHoratioCaine | 4

#2267165 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 13:35

but i cant do that so this pic of you will do

eragon2262 | 6

#4671474 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 10:12

Bruce Lee trained chuck Norris, and could beat chuck norris' ass until the day he died. that's a fact.

Link5794 | 16

#5099482 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 3:00

But what if Chuck Norris actually trained Bruce Lee, and was such an amazing teacher that he created a foe even he couldn't defeat?

By xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2261598 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:58

haha

JtownDude | 0

#2261852 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:56

OMGWTFCARBBQ

xFuZioN | 0

#2266256 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:43

might as well jerk it with vodka ya yard. main ingredient alcohol

xFuZioN | 0

#2266274 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:45

tard* stupid auto correct

bananahannahjo | 0

#2267818 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 18:12

lol! I thought calling them a yard was funny :)

By smump | 0

#2261603 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:59

.....

JtownDude | 0

#2261856 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:58

dotdotdotdotdot

KaySL | 24

#2261901 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:08

Don't make fun of the siamese ellipsis.

brainsoverbeauty | 21

#2269858 - Thursday 31 March 2011 2:50

This was the only time I clicked the "you totally deserved it" button while simultaneously saying out loud that the person totally deserves it.

wise1 | 1

#2273371 - Thursday 31 March 2011 19:44

op does deserve it.

but am wondering that if only certain sanitizer causes that, which sanitizers has the op used in past without any problems?

By deputy_g | 5

#2261617 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

JtownDude | 0

#2261864 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:00

Your grammar sucks.

ninjacapo | 2

#2262971 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:55

refering to bensyn? hahaha "unless u dont know where ur penis has been. in that case. purell it up"

deputy_g | 5

#2263562 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:53

51 I'm a nuclear engineer so stfu

and yep a bensyn reference

jmmille | 0

#2265442 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:59

176, He could be a nuclear engineer at 19 in the military.

ginger467 | 2

#2266319 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:58

he's 18 idiot. the fact that you cant count automatically makes your comments rubbish, Beaner.

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2269017 - Thursday 31 March 2011 0:18

What does you being a nuclear engineer have to do with anything??

insomniac8400 | 13

#5273969 - Sunday 23 December 2012 18:55

there's no such thing as a BA of science... it's called a BS a BA is a bachelor of the arts

By flockingshpoo | 0

#2261620 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

what is anti flood protection

No_LoveMM | 3

#2261706 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:15

Satan wanting your soul.

JtownDude | 0

#2261842 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:53

winning duh!

DieselBT | 0

#2261883 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:04

Anti-flood protection is what the adult diaper's for, duh.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2262023 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:49

Something that the Japanese didn't have.

I know, that was pretty bad.

nocarehere | 0

#2262035 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:53

^win. haha.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2262348 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:37

lol #74 made me crack up....now I feel like a terrible person.

Aoifexzx | 3

#2262568 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:24

it always says anti flood protection to me when I post a comment for some reason ?

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2262956 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:48

It is when you post too much, it stops you "flooding" the comments section with spam, racism or inane bull shit.

rebekahah | 7

#2263501 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:43

#74 I laughed so hard that I think I'm going to go to hell now.

cheetahbud159 | 7

#2264529 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:16

... fantastc

Ronan_k | 0

#2265101 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:01

74 - Epic win Bro

scotty2hottie48 | 0

#2265573 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:22

74 had a Charlie Sheen moment! lol

cheerislove | 0

#2282457 - Saturday 2 April 2011 18:41

hahahahhahaha i laughed so hard at this comment.!(:

lotrgeek | 10

#4056623 - Sunday 19 February 2012 20:53

Muahahahhahaha excellent!

By symwashere | 0

#2261622 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

y would you use hand sanitizer to jack off??

tylerjs12 | 0

#2261732 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:18

i know right

Tcaret300 | 12

#2262428 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:54

if the Japanese do it, who gives two shits?

Funny? IDK STOP STARING AT ME!!! D:

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#2261624 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

What in the hell made you think, "this is a good idea"?

By notquite69 | 0

#2261636 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:06

Try bleach next time.

crissybear | 8

#2261660 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:10

ha ha ha GOOD ONE 

Alicia17C | 2

#2262536 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:18

Hahahaha he probably will

benjimm1 | 0

#2263158 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 23:39

michael Jackson did.
too soon? to effing bad

laxguy96 | 6

#2265051 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 3:54

anal bleaching!

By badkittykills69 | 0

#2261649 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:09

Seriously... Why??? Ydi

DarkHelmet | 10

#2262518 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:14

because they're a fucking moron!!!