Intimacy: Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation...

By JJMan217 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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16246

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Intimacy

Serious times

Covid depression

The end of the road

By LockedDown - 3/2/2021 23:03 - United States - Vancouver

Need warmth

Today, due to the pandemic and living alone, I finally had some physical human contact for the first time in six months for my dental checkup. Which was also the last contact I had almost a year ago. FML

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720

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By SOdamnNervous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on the importance of dental hygiene. I got really nervous, so I did what I've heard in movies. I pictured everyone naked, began staring at a hot blonde in the front, and got hard. FML

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16539

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53012

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By Sicko - France

Today, it was really hot in my house so I pulled my shorts down so I was just in my boxers. My family and I were watching tv and I got a spontaneous erection. When I discreetly tried to pull my shorts back up, my penis flipped out of my boxers. FML

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39841

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25913

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By ApparentlyEmo - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31692

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2074

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By Text - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36154

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8345

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By kyla - United States

Today, while shopping at American Eagle, I found the same "$1,500" wedding ring my fiancé proposed to me with, marked on sale for $10.95. FML

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54977

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9574

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By bonehead69 - United States - Taylorville

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

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34553

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5362

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18974

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96291

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By Anonymous

Today, I was walking on the street when a woman in front of me dropped a couple of dollars. I picked them up and chased her to return it all. She insisted that it wasn't hers. I tried to tell her it was, but she wouldn't accept it. A cop saw me and arrested me for solicitation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1907

You deserved it

168

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By car keyer - United States - Mary Esther

Why would I do that to me?

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20719

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54355

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By areyoukiddingme - United States

Today, I got yelled at by my mom for not being surprised enough at my surprise birthday party. She'd told me about it while drunk the night before. FML

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47344

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14284

You deserved it

45938

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By tomcat69 - Canada

Today, after spending 6 months and $15,000 on lawyer fees at my 13 year old son's request, his abusive, alcoholic father no longer has any legal right to see him. How did my son repay me? He ran away to live with his father the very first time I told him he couldn't have friends sleep over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48094

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7769

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By _philliesfan - United States

Today, I was prioritizing my extreme amount of homework. I read over the front page of my psychology paper seeing that it was pretty easy questions, I decided to do it last. Little did I know there was a 8 page essay on the back of the page. It's 12:19 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36630

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By datingablonde - Australia - Attadale

Today, I told my girlfriend that my identical twin and I are not in fact related, that he's adopted, and that the only reason we look exactly the same is because we eat and drink the same things. She actually believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38174

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9574

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By lildale92

Today, I asked my husband to watch our kids while I cooked food for him. Apparently I asked in the wrong tone, because now he's pouting and won't eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2776

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354

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By sadgf - United States

Today, my boyfriend said that being with me was his payment for past sins. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54627

You deserved it

6097

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By cookie_lover_xx - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24475

You deserved it

2026

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By Anon - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

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36192

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125991

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By sarahijklmnop - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27026

You deserved it

2004

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By Lizofsmeg - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23129

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3202

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By HP_22 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44597

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Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

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2040

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290

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By max - United States

Today, I went jogging with my girlfriend. I'm pretty sure my moobs bounced more than her breasts. FML

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18039

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30330

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By fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt - United Kingdom - Sittingbourne

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27513

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2753

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34512

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried sneaking over to my girlfriends house to be romantic and knocked on her window. She went and got her mother to see who was at the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17431

You deserved it

23710

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By single - China

Today, my wife and I were watching TV. The lady on the show began to talk about how to have a smooth divorce. My wife discreetly turned the volume up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46754

You deserved it

4502

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant on a first date. FML

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42728

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2981

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By mhmm... cumsquats - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17796

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60396

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By walkingdead_1029 - United States - Peoria

Today, the girl that I've been madly in love with was demanding I tell her who I liked. I told her no, I should just keep it a secret, but she demanded I tell her. After I told her, the only response I got was, "You're right. You should have kept that a secret." FML

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68685

You deserved it

6439

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 04:56 - United States - Marietta

Bye Herbie

Today, after hours of waiting and $300 spent, I find out my transmission is dying. My car is old, so the price of rebuilding it is more than it's worth. That's money well spent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

744

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By notsolucky - Canada

Today, I woke up at 11:11am. I was happy because I thought it was a sign that it was going to be a good day. I then realized that I was over an hour late for a job interview. FML

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12914

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By thathurt500x - 26/6/2020 20:08

You rang?

Today, my boyfriend's tooth got caught on my nipple ring and ripped it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1806

You deserved it

510

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By Yellowsmellow - Canada - Windsor

Today, and for the past two weeks, the people living directly above me have decided to add rearranging their furniture to their daily routines. Not only that but apparently, 6 a.m. is the most optimal time for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10287

You deserved it

670

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By Anonymous

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2107

You deserved it

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By :( - Sweden - Ume

Today, my grandma reduced me to a sobbing wreck in two short sentences, just to win a bet against my mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40594

You deserved it

4805

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By notfuckingpaidenough - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31388

You deserved it

2060

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By Bouh - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51139

You deserved it

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By goodbyeGPA

Today, the first day of school, I went to the book store to purchase my textbooks. Not only did I wait for 30 minutes, but they didn’t even have my books in stock. I was advised to visit another campus 45 minutes away. They didn’t have it either. I have assignments due already. FML

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2749

You deserved it

707

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Top comments

By beeship321 | 5

#2261591 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

By deputy_g | 5

#2261617 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

COMMENTS

By beeship321 | 5

#2261591 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

largefoofighter | 0

#2261626 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

least your dicks clean.... not from the hand sanitizer but all the sex you're not having!! dumbass

marinus_fml | 19

#2261679 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:12

lol #9, nice one.

sterlingarcher | 1

#2261829 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:50

hahahaha ydi!!

Awesomastic | 0

#2261917 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:12

hand sanitizer has more alchohol than most drinks so its safer to just dip it in your beer next time.

Scalabrine44 | 0

#2262406 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:48

hehe good one ;)

Somedood117 | 0

#2263272 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:13

I'm dying to know which hand sanitizer so I know for future reference ;)

jakedasnakeman | 0

#2263518 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:45

rofl

Awesomastic | 0

#2263544 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:50

65, substitute beer with vodka

kruzito | 0

#2264706 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:45

62, that's poisonous alcohol

MiGman | 5

#2265385 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:47

#62 it's a slightly different type of alchohol

fHISl | 0

#2267118 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 13:18

it's a fake... saw that in american pie..

TheVariableX | 0

#2271786 - Thursday 31 March 2011 9:32

Was it purell? that stuff burns like a sonuvabitch.

iateyourmuffin | 0

#2273102 - Thursday 31 March 2011 18:17

ya just a tad :P

PedoPancakes | 7

#3961362 - Sunday 29 January 2012 14:40

Well said #1

jbuckets_404 | 38

#6653348 - Tuesday 19 July 2016 18:20

LOL! Did you too have to wear a diaper for a week? ;-)

By KZN02 | 18

#2261596 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:58

I'd rather not know the reasons ...

JtownDude | 0

#2261848 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:55

chuck Norris masterbates with lava

loski87 | 4

#2261869 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:01

^ lol

Naomiiiii | 0

#2261907 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:10

Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he gets off by roundhouse kicking Siberian tigers in the face.

docscientist | 9

#2262453 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:01

Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he fucks the universe.

maa_rico | 4

#2262660 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:00

Sorry but Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norry's ass.

maa_rico | 4

#2262694 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:05

Norris' * lol

bawpo | 2

#2262870 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:29

Perhaps in a movie Snookie. Not in real life.

rmbaker1993 | 0

#2265320 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:35

haha omg she does look like snooki!!!

crissy1234 | 0

#2265335 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:40

it is snooki!!!

MadPercussion | 0

#2265503 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:10

FUCK JERSEY SHORE. THAT SHIT IS PURE TRASH AND I AM VIRTUAL YELLING TO FURTHER EMPHASIZE IT'S MY FRUSTRATION.

devinmurnan | 0

#2265691 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:45

chuck Norris uses a blow torch and a monkey wrench to masturbate

grizzvolleyball9 | 4

#2265695 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:46

win ^^^^

LTHoratioCaine | 4

#2267165 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 13:35

but i cant do that so this pic of you will do

eragon2262 | 6

#4671474 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 10:12

Bruce Lee trained chuck Norris, and could beat chuck norris' ass until the day he died. that's a fact.

Link5794 | 18

#5099482 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 3:00

But what if Chuck Norris actually trained Bruce Lee, and was such an amazing teacher that he created a foe even he couldn't defeat?

By xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2261598 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:58

haha

JtownDude | 0

#2261852 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:56

OMGWTFCARBBQ

xFuZioN | 0

#2266256 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:43

might as well jerk it with vodka ya yard. main ingredient alcohol

xFuZioN | 0

#2266274 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:45

tard* stupid auto correct

bananahannahjo | 0

#2267818 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 18:12

lol! I thought calling them a yard was funny :)

By smump | 0

#2261603 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:59

.....

JtownDude | 0

#2261856 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:58

dotdotdotdotdot

KaySL | 24

#2261901 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:08

Don't make fun of the siamese ellipsis.

brainsoverbeauty | 21

#2269858 - Thursday 31 March 2011 2:50

This was the only time I clicked the "you totally deserved it" button while simultaneously saying out loud that the person totally deserves it.

wise1 | 1

#2273371 - Thursday 31 March 2011 19:44

op does deserve it.

but am wondering that if only certain sanitizer causes that, which sanitizers has the op used in past without any problems?

By deputy_g | 5

#2261617 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

JtownDude | 0

#2261864 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:00

Your grammar sucks.

ninjacapo | 2

#2262971 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:55

refering to bensyn? hahaha "unless u dont know where ur penis has been. in that case. purell it up"

deputy_g | 5

#2263562 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:53

51 I'm a nuclear engineer so stfu

and yep a bensyn reference

jmmille | 0

#2265442 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:59

176, He could be a nuclear engineer at 19 in the military.

ginger467 | 2

#2266319 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:58

he's 18 idiot. the fact that you cant count automatically makes your comments rubbish, Beaner.

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2269017 - Thursday 31 March 2011 0:18

What does you being a nuclear engineer have to do with anything??

insomniac8400 | 13

#5273969 - Sunday 23 December 2012 18:55

there's no such thing as a BA of science... it's called a BS a BA is a bachelor of the arts

By flockingshpoo | 0

#2261620 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

what is anti flood protection

No_LoveMM | 3

#2261706 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:15

Satan wanting your soul.

JtownDude | 0

#2261842 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:53

winning duh!

DieselBT | 0

#2261883 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:04

Anti-flood protection is what the adult diaper's for, duh.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2262023 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:49

Something that the Japanese didn't have.

I know, that was pretty bad.

nocarehere | 0

#2262035 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:53

^win. haha.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2262348 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:37

lol #74 made me crack up....now I feel like a terrible person.

Aoifexzx | 3

#2262568 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:24

it always says anti flood protection to me when I post a comment for some reason ?

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2262956 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:48

It is when you post too much, it stops you "flooding" the comments section with spam, racism or inane bull shit.

rebekahah | 7

#2263501 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:43

#74 I laughed so hard that I think I'm going to go to hell now.

cheetahbud159 | 7

#2264529 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:16

... fantastc

Ronan_k | 0

#2265101 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:01

74 - Epic win Bro

scotty2hottie48 | 0

#2265573 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:22

74 had a Charlie Sheen moment! lol

cheerislove | 0

#2282457 - Saturday 2 April 2011 18:41

hahahahhahaha i laughed so hard at this comment.!(:

lotrgeek | 10

#4056623 - Sunday 19 February 2012 20:53

Muahahahhahaha excellent!

By symwashere | 0

#2261622 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

y would you use hand sanitizer to jack off??

tylerjs12 | 0

#2261732 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:18

i know right

Tcaret300 | 12

#2262428 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:54

if the Japanese do it, who gives two shits?

Funny? IDK STOP STARING AT ME!!! D:

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#2261624 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

What in the hell made you think, "this is a good idea"?

By notquite69 | 0

#2261636 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:06

Try bleach next time.

crissybear | 8

#2261660 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:10

ha ha ha GOOD ONE 

Alicia17C | 2

#2262536 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:18

Hahahaha he probably will

benjimm1 | 0

#2263158 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 23:39

michael Jackson did.
too soon? to effing bad

laxguy96 | 6

#2265051 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 3:54

anal bleaching!

By badkittykills69 | 0

#2261649 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:09

Seriously... Why??? Ydi

DarkHelmet | 10

#2262518 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:14

because they're a fucking moron!!!