Intimacy: Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation...

By JJMan217 - Canada

Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Technologically challenged

Genius, definitely

By light_talker - United States

Today, I got my cell phone bill. I pay for 700 minutes per month. I used 9 last month. FML

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23399

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By Tigerninjagoalie - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2021 17:01 - New Zealand - Palmerston North

You old fool

Today, after repeatedly telling my partner's family that our daughter is allergic to peanuts, his grandfather decided to feed her one, to "see if she really is allergic." FML

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1075

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By Lovemynewhaircut - United States - Brentwood

Today, I got a new haircut. I was feeling pretty confident, until coworkers and family members kept making comments like, "I think you gained a little weight", "You look older" and "Do you still like guys?" Apparently, my new haircut changed my waist size and my sexual orientation. FML

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31058

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By Magilla - United States

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

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30001

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By shitty shit - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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35953

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I came home to my mentally unhinged roommate jacking off to a frozen TV frame of Peggy Hill from King of the Hill. When he saw me, he threw an ash tray at me and told me to get out. FML

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24689

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By thissucks - United States

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, stilettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. I'm grounded. FML

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52670

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By grossed out - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, my friend asked to borrow my new laptop to email his college professor. When he returned it, it had a virus on it, and I had to fish out two pubic hairs that were sticking out between the keys. FML

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42532

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By MaeMoss - United States

Today, I used a man's shirt as a pillowcase and sprayed it with cologne so I wouldn't feel alone in the night. FML

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25937

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By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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39238

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By bookworm

Today, I had a garage sale and sold some books I don't read anymore. A woman came up and yelled at me, saying I'd stolen one of the books from her house. I later found out that it was a distraction so that her boyfriend could steal my TV. FML

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2240

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By negromancer - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

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56550

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By Username - France

Today, I was driving to my company picnic with 85 lbs of meat in the back seat, and 1 gallon of homemade BBQ sauce and mustard in large pans riding shotgun. As I drove down a steep hill, the BBQ sauce pan slid forward, hit the glove box and exploded in my front seat. FML

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15153

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my dominant hand. My teacher insists we hand-write our essays. I called and asked if it was okay for me to type up the essays. She said no. I have two essays due tomorrow, which count for half my grade. FML

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35258

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked a coworker if she would cover for me on Easter because I want to spend it with my 3 year old daughter. She said no because she wants to spend Easter with her kids, too. She doesn't have kids. FML

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38198

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

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43135

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom and I heard a thump from inside the coat closet. I opened the door, and something fell on me. My mom, who was behind me, screamed, closed the laundry room door, and ran into the garage, leaving me to face the alleged attacker. It was the vacuum. FML

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29194

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By not even interested

Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML

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4102

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193

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By DeadlyKitten - United States - Springfield

Today, my cat followed me into the bathroom. While I was showering, he knocked over the storage shelf behind the toilet. The shelf was the perfect length to wedge the shower door completely closed. No one was home so I had to climb over my tall shower door all slippery and naked. FML

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7052

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By LennyComa

Today, I was punched in the balls by a monkey. FML

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5483

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905

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By hatemylife - United States

Today, a group of girl-scouts came to my door selling chocolate bars. I bought 2 bars and smiled as they left, thinking I'd done a good deed. When the door closed, I heard one of the girls say, "Told you, the fat bitches always wanna buy from us." FML

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46839

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By random - United States - El Paso

Today, at the gym, my boobs were jiggling more than the girl next to me. This would be a good thing, if I wasn't a guy. FML

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52750

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By Anonymous

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

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1431

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By Queasy - Canada

Today, I found out that sitting in the third row at a 3D movie makes me vomit. Today I also found out that the big burly dude in front of me does not appreciate being vomited on. Now I feel nauseous and have a black eye. Not to mention I missed the last part of the movie. FML

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28141

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By anon - United States - Washougal

Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML

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8570

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 20:01

Constant flow

Today, my granny called me to, "Come change me please, I just peed." I interrupted what I was doing, walked over to her bed, pulled down her covers and was just about to go for the pad when she said, "Actually... I'm still peeing. Come back in a couple of minutes." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the main cause of my recent boost in anxiety is in fact the amount of debt that going to a therapist in the first place has put me in. I guess he did help me find the main cause of my emotional issues. FML

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2890

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415

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By kallens - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

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23715

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By rj - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

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47159

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 23:01

Running late

Today, my in-laws missed a special event for my newborn child because they were running an hour late. They always run late and always think its funny. After 15 years, it's just not funny anymore. FML

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1385

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By nick - United States

Today, the horn in my car decided to malfunction. It honked continuously for an hour as I drove down the highway. FML

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30325

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2981

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By HURP - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I wore a sleeveless shirt for the first time in years, when I glimpsed something on my shoulder that looked like a spider. I let out a scream that sounded like a donkey having a stroke and flailed my arms. Then I realized it was my tattoo, and that I was freaking out everyone on the bus. FML

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26000

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By sales ham - United States

Today, I was reciting lines for a play that I'm in. It was going great, until I realized that I was actually reciting my scripted sales pitch from my telemarketing job. FML

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26195

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By CyberPsycho - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

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12055

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By iwannagotomiamitoo - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that apparently I'm in Miami. I am also enjoying a five-star hotel and all of its services. Only one problem: I'm still here, stuck in a small suburban town. F*ck identity theft. FML

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53565

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By duckwater - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

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23758

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Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML

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3559

Phew, glad it wasn't me

471

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By bam.93 - 14/4/2020 17:00

Creepy

Today, my supervisor asked me to help him for some modifications on an Excel sheet. I helped him for some stuff, but couldn't help him completely. He said to me, " Try to learn more about Excel, I want someone to satisfy my needs." FML

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By happyturtle - Croatia

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

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29299

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Top comments

By beeship321 | 5

#2261591 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

By deputy_g | 5

#2261617 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

COMMENTS

By beeship321 | 5

#2261591 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:57

wow that was a smart move. Do you brush your teeth with toilet cleaner?

largefoofighter | 0

#2261626 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

least your dicks clean.... not from the hand sanitizer but all the sex you're not having!! dumbass

marinus_fml | 19

#2261679 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:12

lol #9, nice one.

sterlingarcher | 1

#2261829 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:50

hahahaha ydi!!

Awesomastic | 0

#2261917 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:12

hand sanitizer has more alchohol than most drinks so its safer to just dip it in your beer next time.

Scalabrine44 | 0

#2262406 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:48

hehe good one ;)

Somedood117 | 0

#2263272 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:13

I'm dying to know which hand sanitizer so I know for future reference ;)

jakedasnakeman | 0

#2263518 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:45

rofl

Awesomastic | 0

#2263544 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:50

65, substitute beer with vodka

kruzito | 0

#2264706 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:45

62, that's poisonous alcohol

MiGman | 5

#2265385 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:47

#62 it's a slightly different type of alchohol

fHISl | 0

#2267118 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 13:18

it's a fake... saw that in american pie..

TheVariableX | 0

#2271786 - Thursday 31 March 2011 9:32

Was it purell? that stuff burns like a sonuvabitch.

iateyourmuffin | 0

#2273102 - Thursday 31 March 2011 18:17

ya just a tad :P

PedoPancakes | 7

#3961362 - Sunday 29 January 2012 14:40

Well said #1

jbuckets_404 | 38

#6653348 - Tuesday 19 July 2016 18:20

LOL! Did you too have to wear a diaper for a week? ;-)

By KZN02 | 18

#2261596 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:58

I'd rather not know the reasons ...

JtownDude | 0

#2261848 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:55

chuck Norris masterbates with lava

loski87 | 4

#2261869 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:01

^ lol

Naomiiiii | 0

#2261907 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:10

Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he gets off by roundhouse kicking Siberian tigers in the face.

docscientist | 9

#2262453 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:01

Chuck Norris doesn't masturbate, he fucks the universe.

maa_rico | 4

#2262660 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:00

Sorry but Bruce Lee kicked Chuck Norry's ass.

maa_rico | 4

#2262694 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:05

Norris' * lol

bawpo | 2

#2262870 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:29

Perhaps in a movie Snookie. Not in real life.

rmbaker1993 | 0

#2265320 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:35

haha omg she does look like snooki!!!

crissy1234 | 0

#2265335 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:40

it is snooki!!!

MadPercussion | 0

#2265503 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:10

FUCK JERSEY SHORE. THAT SHIT IS PURE TRASH AND I AM VIRTUAL YELLING TO FURTHER EMPHASIZE IT'S MY FRUSTRATION.

devinmurnan | 0

#2265691 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:45

chuck Norris uses a blow torch and a monkey wrench to masturbate

grizzvolleyball9 | 4

#2265695 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:46

win ^^^^

LTHoratioCaine | 4

#2267165 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 13:35

but i cant do that so this pic of you will do

eragon2262 | 6

#4671474 - Tuesday 10 July 2012 10:12

Bruce Lee trained chuck Norris, and could beat chuck norris' ass until the day he died. that's a fact.

Link5794 | 18

#5099482 - Wednesday 31 October 2012 3:00

But what if Chuck Norris actually trained Bruce Lee, and was such an amazing teacher that he created a foe even he couldn't defeat?

By xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2261598 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:58

haha

JtownDude | 0

#2261852 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:56

OMGWTFCARBBQ

xFuZioN | 0

#2266256 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:43

might as well jerk it with vodka ya yard. main ingredient alcohol

xFuZioN | 0

#2266274 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:45

tard* stupid auto correct

bananahannahjo | 0

#2267818 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 18:12

lol! I thought calling them a yard was funny :)

By smump | 0

#2261603 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 16:59

.....

JtownDude | 0

#2261856 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:58

dotdotdotdotdot

KaySL | 24

#2261901 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:08

Don't make fun of the siamese ellipsis.

brainsoverbeauty | 21

#2269858 - Thursday 31 March 2011 2:50

This was the only time I clicked the "you totally deserved it" button while simultaneously saying out loud that the person totally deserves it.

wise1 | 1

#2273371 - Thursday 31 March 2011 19:44

op does deserve it.

but am wondering that if only certain sanitizer causes that, which sanitizers has the op used in past without any problems?

By deputy_g | 5

#2261617 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

only time to do that is when you don't know where your penis has been..not for recreational use

JtownDude | 0

#2261864 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:00

Your grammar sucks.

ninjacapo | 2

#2262971 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:55

refering to bensyn? hahaha "unless u dont know where ur penis has been. in that case. purell it up"

deputy_g | 5

#2263562 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:53

51 I'm a nuclear engineer so stfu

and yep a bensyn reference

jmmille | 0

#2265442 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:59

176, He could be a nuclear engineer at 19 in the military.

ginger467 | 2

#2266319 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 7:58

he's 18 idiot. the fact that you cant count automatically makes your comments rubbish, Beaner.

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2269017 - Thursday 31 March 2011 0:18

What does you being a nuclear engineer have to do with anything??

insomniac8400 | 13

#5273969 - Sunday 23 December 2012 18:55

there's no such thing as a BA of science... it's called a BS a BA is a bachelor of the arts

By flockingshpoo | 0

#2261620 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:02

what is anti flood protection

No_LoveMM | 3

#2261706 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:15

Satan wanting your soul.

JtownDude | 0

#2261842 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:53

winning duh!

DieselBT | 0

#2261883 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:04

Anti-flood protection is what the adult diaper's for, duh.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2262023 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:49

Something that the Japanese didn't have.

I know, that was pretty bad.

nocarehere | 0

#2262035 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 18:53

^win. haha.

xoxoMEGANxoxo | 13

#2262348 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:37

lol #74 made me crack up....now I feel like a terrible person.

Aoifexzx | 3

#2262568 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:24

it always says anti flood protection to me when I post a comment for some reason ?

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2262956 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 22:48

It is when you post too much, it stops you "flooding" the comments section with spam, racism or inane bull shit.

rebekahah | 7

#2263501 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 0:43

#74 I laughed so hard that I think I'm going to go to hell now.

cheetahbud159 | 7

#2264529 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 2:16

... fantastc

Ronan_k | 0

#2265101 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 4:01

74 - Epic win Bro

scotty2hottie48 | 0

#2265573 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 5:22

74 had a Charlie Sheen moment! lol

cheerislove | 0

#2282457 - Saturday 2 April 2011 18:41

hahahahhahaha i laughed so hard at this comment.!(:

lotrgeek | 10

#4056623 - Sunday 19 February 2012 20:53

Muahahahhahaha excellent!

By symwashere | 0

#2261622 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

y would you use hand sanitizer to jack off??

tylerjs12 | 0

#2261732 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:18

i know right

Tcaret300 | 12

#2262428 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 20:54

if the Japanese do it, who gives two shits?

Funny? IDK STOP STARING AT ME!!! D:

By anorexicbarbie | 8

#2261624 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:03

What in the hell made you think, "this is a good idea"?

By notquite69 | 0

#2261636 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:06

Try bleach next time.

crissybear | 8

#2261660 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:10

ha ha ha GOOD ONE 

Alicia17C | 2

#2262536 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:18

Hahahaha he probably will

benjimm1 | 0

#2263158 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 23:39

michael Jackson did.
too soon? to effing bad

laxguy96 | 6

#2265051 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 3:54

anal bleaching!

By badkittykills69 | 0

#2261649 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:09

Seriously... Why??? Ydi

DarkHelmet | 10

#2262518 - Tuesday 29 March 2011 21:14

because they're a fucking moron!!!