The Top

OP here. Looks like I caused some confusion, so let me clear it up. In the US, the changeable tops of a bottle are called nipples. Basically, a female customer gave my **** a twist.

By Anonymous - 26/06/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I was cashiering at a grocery store when an elderly woman came through my line buying prune juice. She then whispered to me that last time she bought it, she "blew up her toilet". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 609

You deserved it 2 884

By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 16:02 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you can ever witness is two morbidly obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club's run-down, public restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 098

You deserved it 5 583

By anyoldnamewilldo - 11/12/2014 16:10 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 580

You deserved it 3 927

Nice try

By spitballer1 - 06/07/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 228

You deserved it 29 116

By Anonymous - 20/09/2012 04:14 - United States

Today, I went to my dentist of four years. After the cleaning, the hygienist and I scheduled my next appointment, and she briefly left the room, leaving my file open on the computer. The data in a field called "NOTE" caught my eye: "Sissy. Freak. Always late. Ask about family or will flirt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 422

You deserved it 29 108

By Connor - 25/12/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 097

You deserved it 2 658

By Anonymous - 22/06/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 015

You deserved it 84 570

By aprouddaddy - 04/12/2014 23:46 - France - Paris

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 890

You deserved it 6 595

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 145

You deserved it 37 551

By handi-crap - 05/01/2010 17:28 - United States

Today, I had a promo code for a free Redbox movie. Since I knew exactly which movie I wanted, I parked in a handicapped space because it was super close and I was cold. I didn't think anyone would notice, but apparently the cop that parked beside my car did. My free movie cost me $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 012

You deserved it 78 845

Opportunities

By FML Videos - 05/11/2018 00:00

...and just like that, the weekend was over.

I agree, your life sucks 310

You deserved it 77

By baconbxtch - 22/08/2013 02:45 - United States - Orlando

Today, I got rejected for a job because they claimed I faked my entire resume. Their excuse? I'm too pretty to be smart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 043

You deserved it 4 742

By loser - 03/01/2010 12:00 - United States

Today, I handed my friend a $50. I paid her to take care of my farm on Farmville, feed my fish on Fishville, and flip my burgers on Cafe World, while I went on vacation for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 502

You deserved it 67 697

By kat - 28/11/2018 15:30

Today, I posted my phone for sale on Facebook. Someone hit me up to buy it and wanted me to meet them. I didn't really want to drive to them, but I'm a mom of two and I needed food and some extra cash, so I did it. The guy asked to look at the phone… and ran off with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 176

You deserved it 709

Not funny, man

By ChristinaGee - 30/12/2021 20:00

Today, my husband says he wants to file for divorce because he’s tired of me being a “bossy boots.” Apparently, asking him to stop sending a 17 year-old girl dick pics as a “joke” is too much to ask. My tongue is going to fall out from the many times I've had to explain to him why it’s inappropriate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 791

You deserved it 415

Another one bites the dust

By fail - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that yet another of my guy friends liked me. I then posted on social media that I just wanted a guy friend that had absolutely no romantic feelings for me. My crush volunteered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 064

You deserved it 68 591

Classic

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend of a year kissing another girl. When I walked up to confront him about it, he tried to convince the other girl he didn't know who I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 201

You deserved it 3 364

By biblewanker - 17/12/2010 16:05 - Australia

Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 784

You deserved it 3 578

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 959

You deserved it 48 143

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had taken her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the Adderall they found in my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 801

You deserved it 130 385

Random

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 571

You deserved it 1 985

Today, my dad took my phone away because I "had to be texting while driving in order to wreck my car." I was too ashamed to tell him that a huge bug flew into my face causing me to veer off the road and into a brick mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 205

You deserved it 7 619

Today, I spent hours playing my guitar and singing in the street, hoping to make some extra cash. About 3 hours in, I realized some punk had been walking around with a hat taking money as if he was with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 991

You deserved it 5 749

Today, I met my boyfriend's father for the first time. We were at a restaurant and my bofriend kept playing footsie with me under the table. When my boyfriend excused himself to go to the restroom, the game of footsie was still going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 085

You deserved it 4 614

Today, I got an e-mail from a company saying that I would not be a good fit for them. Strangely, it's quite similar to an e-mail they sent me last month. And the month before. They aren't generated e-mails, each one is different. They just e-mail me every month to remind me that I suck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 303

You deserved it 296

Today, I was excited about my new fitness tracker that I decided to go for a run to test it out. Midway through, I looked down and realized I'd forgot to turn it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196

You deserved it 459