Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little...

By Connor - 25/12/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I spent the morning in the ER with a broken arm. My little brother was in such a rush to get his presents first, that he violently shoved me out of the way on the stairs. FML

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Health

Basic Instinct

Gas giant

They're everywhere

By Bob - 22/11/2011 18:06 - United States

Today, I went to the orthodontist. The lady took a break and went to use the restroom. Apparently she didn't bother to take her gloves off, and they smelled like straight up pee. She had her hands in my mouth for over an hour. FML

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By vela9002 - 6/4/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2015 19:50 - Argentina

Today, my boss showed me a two-page letter from a customer, complaining about me because I couldn't honor a coupon that expired in 2009. He agreed that I did the right thing by refusing it, but said it would be a black mark on my record anyway due to the complaint. FML

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By nofriends - 27/8/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, after going to T-Mobile thinking my phone won't receive texts, I found out that my phone is perfectly fine, my friends just don't text me back. FML

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By GT716 - 7/4/2009 12:50 - United States

Today, I was at work at a local hot dog chain. A child (about 10, who I've seen there before) came in to order food for his Dad. He orders very excitedly, and I told him he'd be a great worker here when he gets older. He said "oh no, my Dad says I'm too smart to work in a place like this." FML

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By Mark - 27/3/2017 09:00 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I asked out a coworker I really like. She gave me a weird look and said, "You're not gay?" I said no, to which she said, "Well, I am". As it turns out, I was the only one who thought she was straight, and the only one who thought I was straight. FML

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By leah - 16/10/2019 22:00

Whooped

Today, I was standing in the shower drying off when my sister came in the bathroom. She must have thought I was a burglar because she hit the shower curtain and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 04:02 - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

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By Hopeless - 4/12/2018 13:00 - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I had a dream that I met my celebrity crush. As I leant in to kiss him, he rejected me saying “woah no thanks”. I get rejected even in my dream. FML

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By ghgfd - 6/3/2013 14:53 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

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By steffansk1997 - 15/12/2016 21:08

Today, I had an appointment with the CEO of a big company about a game I'm going to make for them. The first thing I did after sitting down was to throw my coffee all over his desk. FML

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By Laurendorcus - 14/3/2010 23:13 - France

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 04:41 - United States - Greeley

Today, I enlisted in the military. My dad now finds it necessary to act like a drill sergeant. This includes yelling at me everywhere we go to prepare me for basic training. Training begins in four months. FML

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By notadoorman - 25/7/2014 18:16 - United States - Elmont

Today, I held the door open for a woman and her kids on my way out of the bank. She started accusing me of patronizing her, and when I just let go of the door in protest, she deliberately leaned in so it hit her in the face. I felt the glares from the entire bank as she pretended to cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

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By BellinaNico - 25/5/2013 04:40 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2011 01:48 - Canada

Today, I came home from school to find almost every single personal possession and piece of furniture from my bedroom all laid out or disassembled in the back yard. My dad smugly told me I'd better start moving it all back. This is his revenge for me salting his coffee this morning. FML

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By deserved - 29/10/2009 14:27 - United States

Today, after feeling fat and ugly and a bit depressed, I logged on to Facebook to see my boyfriend had posted "I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world!" I 'liked' it and commented "Aww thank you baby!" I logged in later to see that he commented back saying "I didn't mean you." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2017 05:00

Today, I decided to drive to the airport and park in extended stay. As the plane was going down the runway, I tried to spot my car. I found it very quickly as the car alarm was going off and all its lights were flashing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 22:20 - Denmark - Fredericia

Today, my husband quit his stable job of 12 years at the bank to pursue a career selling kites. If we don't end up homeless because of this, god knows we will when he has a real mid-life crisis. FML

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By John W. - 12/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "douche bag" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 07:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, I noticed that I had forgotten to shave my pits. I went to a party last night, and there are now several Facebook pictures of me dancing, with my arms up and my hairy pits showing for the world to see. FML

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By not twilight - 5/12/2015 00:47 - United States - Charlotte

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

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By jina - 18/3/2009 03:48 - Korea Republic of

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2016 04:56 - United States - Sandown

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

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By Kittykatkrunch - 12/11/2009 05:09 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend was crushing on his best friend. When I found out I asked him about it. He replied. "Don't worry babe, she is perfect and way too good for me". FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I was denied food stamp assistance. Apparently, you need to work 20 hours a week while being a full time student to qualify or have a work study. I was recently suspended from my work study for calling off because my aunt died, and if I worked 20 hours a week, why would I need food stamps? FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad she remembered, I called back to thank her. She was surprised when I brought up going out for dinner, and asked me what the occasion was. FML

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By pubes - 18/3/2010 01:55 - United States

Today, I came back to my room and sat down at my desk to find pile short, curly hairs on it. Neither me or my roommate have curly hair, and it isn't mine. I think he trimmed his pubes over my desk and forgot to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 11:05 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 17:04 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

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By sexualpopcorn - 21/12/2014 03:37 - United States - San Diego

Today, as I was saying bye to my girlfriend, I said "see ya later, alligator." She took offense because she thought I called her ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2014 02:31 - United States - Tampa

Peek a boo

Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2014 02:04 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone interview with a company. Excited, I prepared for the interview and conducted extensive research on the company. The interview ended within a minute. They'd got the wrong person. FML

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By Crystal - 10/1/2009 08:21 - France

Today, I was so bored that I filmed my goldfish while it was eating. FML

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By eemp - 5/2/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 00:01 - United States

Today, I found out where a few of my favorite outfits went. My mother had taken them out of my closet, wrapped them, and given them to my cousin as a gift. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2014 08:21 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML

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Top comments

By TerrorDollie | 0

#1891498 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:04

XD how old?
Materialistic kiddo.

By Imaginaryalbot | 0

#1891500 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:04

Merry christmas!

COMMENTS

By gorina | 0

#1891496 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:04

Sorry :c

fakeaccountX | 6

#1891508 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:06

Some guys just can't handle Christmas.

IndianForLife | 0

#1891598 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:52

YDI for not being an Indian.

mylifestinks101 | 0

#2495196 - Wednesday 11 May 2011 22:49

haha so true

firedude266 | 5

#2635540 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 6:06

lol i love christmas

By TerrorDollie | 0

#1891498 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:04

XD how old?
Materialistic kiddo.

By Imaginaryalbot | 0

#1891500 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:04

Merry christmas!

Leeber | 0

#1896808 - Monday 27 December 2011 17:57

you are the apple of my eye. ;)

By Hockaday | 0

#1891502 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:05

:( remember that next year when shopping for presents

By randomchickkk | 0

#1891504 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:05

why weren't you as excited?

iJasper | 8

#2860353 - Sunday 10 July 2011 10:00

Probably 17?

jwp0211 | 17

#4854663 - Friday 24 August 2012 6:45

That means nothing

By fruitycheerios | 0

#1891520 - Sunday 26 December 2011 0:11

you deserve it. you should be stronger then him. :p

Bano360 | 25

#1891767 - Sunday 26 December 2011 2:16

Actually it's very easy to be pushed down the stairs asshole

SmallTownCutie | 0

#1892124 - Sunday 26 December 2011 5:29

Actually it's called get a sense of humor asshole.

backdownbreh | 0

#1892163 - Sunday 26 December 2011 5:46

#24 your the type of person that makes this world bad

SmallTownCutie | 0

#1892180 - Sunday 26 December 2011 5:52

39- I'm going to sweetly and subtly mention that your 'your' should be a 'you're' before a rude grammar-nazi does. You're welcome and Merry Christmas!