Intimacy: Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his...

By biblewanker - 17/12/2010 16:05 - Australia

Today, while in a public restroom I could hear a guy having his way with his hand. He was quoting verses from the bible. I was in a cubicle and he was at the urinal. I was too frightened to leave. This went on for a very long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 588

You deserved it 3 550

Intimacy

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Triage

Dysfunctional

By Anonymous - 01/05/2013 15:55 - United States

Today, my mom asked me what a MILF is. Apparently that's her nickname at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 837

You deserved it 4 527

By omfgmaya - 05/10/2009 17:29 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend brought me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 239

You deserved it 3 912

The eyeball zone

By crazylobster - 14/11/2009 16:52 - Australia

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote, "I also have an eye.", instead of, "I also have an eye for detail", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 523

You deserved it 31 516

By KilteDKilleR - 15/10/2011 14:02 - United States

Today, I went to visit my grandpa. He has an easily excited dog, who barreled into my freshly broken knee. I felt my knee move out of place again. The dog chipped a tooth. We went to the vet first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 624

You deserved it 3 119

By manicmandy - 01/08/2010 20:24 - United States

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 487

You deserved it 78 418

By sexyfail - 26/01/2010 08:59 - Australia

Today, I learned that removing your boyfriends boxers with your teeth is waaaay less sexy when you accidentally bite a chunk of his pubes and yank them out in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 167

You deserved it 27 704

By Anonymous - 20/12/2016 04:02 - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 289

You deserved it 745

By broke4life - 28/10/2015 22:16

Today, my boyfriend called me to ask if I knew the serial number for my laptop. I had given him my $650 gaming laptop to sell in his electronics store because I didn't need it and could use the money. Apparently it was stolen at some point yesterday and his cameras were turned off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 346

You deserved it 1 908

By FYLyfer - 26/10/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, while at Wendy's with my boyfriend, I realized that he made more pleasure sounds when eating his Baconator than he did while sleeping with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 942

You deserved it 5 579

By Anonymous - 06/12/2009 22:13 - United States

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 130

You deserved it 3 371

By CaptainFluffyPaw - 29/06/2015 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer complained about me for getting their order wrong. This would have been fine if they hadn't sent their ten-year-old kid to order for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 707

You deserved it 1 853

Nice to see you too

By mcfatty - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - India - Bangalore

Today, despite having a bunch of work and school related things to do, I made time to go visit family I hadn't seen in a while. The main topic of discussion was how fat I've gotten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 098

You deserved it 1 629

By not my bf anymore - 05/11/2015 21:15 - United States

Today, I found out that my new boyfriend is a "Men's Rights Activist". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 529

You deserved it 7 524

By me. - 01/12/2012 14:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 432

You deserved it 7 313

Don't know, don't care

By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 437

By boudinette - 15/04/2015 10:14 - France - Saint-martin-d'heres

Today, I received the beautiful dress I'd ordered on the internet. It's a size smaller than my usual, just to encourage me to lose weight. I managed to fit into it and wear it all day, but I've now been struggling for a couple of hours to remove it without tearing it to bits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 732

You deserved it 14 141

By mcdman - 19/01/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, one of my employees lit my tie on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 894

You deserved it 5 869

By Anonymous - 01/01/2012 18:09 - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 849

You deserved it 10 836

By lonely loser - 22/08/2014 18:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer not to hang up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 680

You deserved it 6 748

By janie - 30/01/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I was sexiled. So that my roommate and the boy who I confessed my love to two days before could hook up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 567

You deserved it 2 391

Voice over

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 00:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I realized anytime I try to say anything, relatives will talk over me, change the subject, or go off on tangents about ancient family history that I don't want to hear for the 1000th time. Yet if I interrupt them once, I'm the bad one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 69

By ashleynicolle - 25/02/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 659

You deserved it 36 785

By great 1st impression - 25/05/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 674

You deserved it 7 858

By goblue - 21/12/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I was sleeping in my room when I awoke to an unfamiliar female voice in my apartment followed by a thud. I walked out to find a drunk girl I've never met collapsed in my doorway. After puking all over the place, she had me call her father who picked her up 10 minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 391

You deserved it 3 154

By badtasteinmen - 15/10/2015 18:19 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 319

You deserved it 1 827

By MisterT - 19/05/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 473

You deserved it 7 234

By Anonymous - 29/04/2012 09:45 - Canada - Thompson

Today, at a concert, I got into a fight with a man in a banana suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 300

You deserved it 22 198

By anonymous - 10/11/2015 22:15 - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 630

You deserved it 1 744

By Chels - 18/08/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 839

You deserved it 3 096

By grlzze444 - 16/11/2010 00:19 - United States

Today, my swim coach had me swim a 400 meter freestyle. Feeling a little sick near the end, I lifted my head to breathe, then burped, and threw up violently all in the pool. All my team mates screamed horrified running out of the pool, and now they have to drain it. I was told not to come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 376

You deserved it 4 121

By Anonymous - 11/04/2018 06:00

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 588

You deserved it 2 130

By mafille - 19/03/2015 03:22 - France

Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 251

You deserved it 5 464

By Brooke - 14/08/2015 16:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 712

You deserved it 2 332

No-life

By Anonymous - 03/12/2020 20:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to spend alone time playing FIFA instead of having a relationship. If I ever find the CEO of EA Sports, I’m throwing hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 231

By samboob - 01/09/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mouth did I find it was actually perfume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 091

You deserved it 44 421

By Anonymous - 19/10/2015 09:26 - United States - Lexington

Today, my husband won't seek medical treatment for a condition he's been living with for years because he saw an episode of House, in which the treatment made the condition worse in a very rare instance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 974

You deserved it 1 807

By Anonymous - 10/05/2011 05:12

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 170

You deserved it 11 947

By unknown002 - 12/02/2010 01:25 - United States

Today, I stepped on the scale because I'm trying to maintain a good weight. The scale read that I had lost 6 pounds. Feeling really good about myself, I stepped off the scale only to see that the corner of the scale was sitting on the rug, making the scale mess up and tell me the wrong weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 186

You deserved it 18 624

By Acesup111 - 02/03/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I informed my grandparents of my upcoming graduation from college. My grandma looked at me with tears in her eyes, and told me how proud she was that I was able to make it so far in spite of being autistic. I am not, nor have I ever been autistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 013

You deserved it 3 450

By Brad - 08/03/2009 05:33 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for someone else. An hour earlier I had just gotten permission from her dad to propose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 157 141

You deserved it 7 488

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Top comments

Doortje 29

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:06

You should've said, with a hollow voice, "God sees everything, son".

krushr 3

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:13

Brings a whole new meaning to "holy crap."

marleyvk 0

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:03

aawwwweh! :( id jump out and be like "Surprise! you dirty, dirty boy" then go call the cops.

Blippety 23

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Sunday 20 April 2014 21:55

Why would you call the cops because someone was masturbating?

TheRealStunts 27

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Saturday 16 April 2016 16:31

#102 gee i wonder why

KupkakeKitten 8

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:04

haha that sux! sorry man

Doortje 29

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:06

You should've said, with a hollow voice, "God sees everything, son".

yazmi_09 3

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:07

haha win

BoredomKillsinc 0

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Friday 17 December 2010 22:38

lmao XD

Tbshim 1

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Saturday 18 December 2010 7:15

epic haha

poppyseed420 9

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Saturday 18 December 2010 11:42

that's what I would have done

estelleselene_CX 12

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Tuesday 21 December 2010 5:02

lol!

krushr 3

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:13

Brings a whole new meaning to "holy crap."

lukethe 0

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Saturday 18 December 2010 2:54

lol!

ImaginaryFoe 0

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:14

HE was at the urinal? Bold. You should've made some noises and scents that would've encouraged himto leave.

satomi_ishida 0

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Friday 17 December 2010 20:54

Lol Foe. Also, how did no one walk in on him? That would have made him stop too. .....I hope.

kiwi00 0

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Friday 17 December 2010 22:07

He was probably hoping someone would walk in.

cat444des 0

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:14

Tell him the church is across the street. Bathrooms are not confessionnals. lol

orphinz 3

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:17

Should of Came out with a camera, You know you wanted to...

yousirareamoron 0

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Saturday 18 December 2010 3:46

Should have*

perdix 29

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:34

Hopefully, he got to that one about Onan spilling his seed and getting whacked. Make a run for it when the smoke and brimstone clear!

iPunchedBigFoot 5

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:40

Wtf

lol_ironic_life 9

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Friday 17 December 2010 19:41

Terrifying indeed! Perhaps he knew you were there and wanted an audience?!

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 6

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 511

You deserved it 64

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 228

The eyeball zone

Nice to see you too

Don't know, don't care

Voice over

No-life

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