The Top

Couple of things. I couldn't have unlocked both, as the doors swing shut and relock as soon as you let them go. The customer was a natural born woman who looked and sounded a lot like a male. When they asked why I opened the men's, I just told them the women's was occupied. I have never made the mistake before and it was mortifying. She luckily was very cool about it:) also, both restrooms use the same key.

By me - 30/04/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 261

You deserved it 5 210

By nuttedthefout - 28/04/2011 13:16

Today, I bought my boyfriend a gold watch for our 2 year anniversary. He bought me a jar of Nutella. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 639

You deserved it 9 632

Fast and Furious

By Anonymous - 02/03/2020 01:00

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks 890

You deserved it 1 818

By vsshopper - 22/02/2012 19:21 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 247

You deserved it 3 878

By movingout - 26/01/2013 23:50 - Australia - Ringwood

Today, I heard an owl near my house. I got excited, as they are not common in the area, and I listened intently to try and locate the source of the sound. After a few minutes, I realized I was not listening to an owl, but to my mother's sex noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 657

You deserved it 5 314

Lockdown 4: Covid strikes back

By yuyu - 10/07/2021 08:01 - Japan

Today, here in Japan, it was announced that we are going into ANOTHER state of emergency, for the fourth time, meaning restaurants, movies, theaters, all will be closed. BUT they will still host the Olympics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 148

You deserved it 134

By alopez1994 - 21/04/2011 05:28

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was, "Don't, you'll regret it later." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 097

You deserved it 13 802

By Mofisto - 15/02/2009 10:43 - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 255

You deserved it 89 036

Thin skinned

By cbad - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 151

You deserved it 48 802

By The Sbeak - 13/02/2009 15:54 - United States

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 51

By Seriouslynow - 22/05/2016 17:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up at 6:30 this morning, but I didn't have to be at work till 11. I walked the dog, made breakfast and read for a little bit. I then woke up again at 11:30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 946

You deserved it 3 046

Graded

By HDcashier - 24/04/2020 17:00

Today, while cashiering, I rang out a father and his son who looked about eight years-old. The dad jokingly told his son that I was a 10/10 in looks. The son then looked at me for a few seconds and said, "No, probably more like a seven." Thanks a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 223

Money first

By Anonymus - 31/01/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 937

You deserved it 334

By WillaminaL - 20/01/2012 03:33 - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 122

You deserved it 40 377

No pain, no meds

By I don’t stink - 01/05/2020 20:00

Today, I finally got to come home after hours spent in a locked down ER after a car accident. My injuries were non life-threatening, but pretty damn painful. I asked my sister to pick up my pain meds from the pharmacy for me. She got drunk and "lost them", AKA gave them to her dirtbag boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 008

You deserved it 315

By human - 21/06/2019 00:01

Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 551

You deserved it 258

By Anonymous - 09/08/2009 13:27 - Canada

Today, I worked at my job at an amusement park at one of the roller coasters. I have to go around and make sure that every seat belt is around the passenger. I saw my boyfriend in a seat and ran over to say hi. I saw a girl next to him. I had to strap down my cheating boyfriend and the new girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 987

You deserved it 3 904

Caught

By losingstreak - 31/01/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said, "You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 260

You deserved it 38 093

By Anonymous - 10/12/2012 22:40 - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 605

You deserved it 7 213

By Screwupify - 06/08/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, while eating at a restaurant, I commented to the waiter about how large the pizza was. He then writes down his number, pats his crotch fondly, and informs me that "everything" I'm going to find at that restaurant is going to be big. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 910

You deserved it 7 270

By Anonymous - 02/01/2012 17:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 326

You deserved it 7 902

By Anonymous - 21/04/2016 04:55 - India - New Delhi

Today, while trying to get my boss to reconsider laying off much of my department, I accidentally convinced him to lay me off too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 992

You deserved it 6 153

By goldie09 - 18/02/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 816

You deserved it 5 236

Make it stop

By firstandlastjob - 13/06/2020 14:11

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 893

You deserved it 219

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, all I wanted was to spend some time with my husband, since we're always very busy. He couldn't be bothered to put down his video game. Guess I'm forever alone, even in a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 488

You deserved it 152

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 942

You deserved it 9 446

Today, I thought everyone was smiling at me because they liked my "skateboarding behind a police motorcycle" prank. Turns out, they all saw the open sewer manhole 10 metres ahead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 277

Today, my grandmother introduced me to her friends as her 16-year-old granddaughter "who has never been kissed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 296

You deserved it 3 219

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the floodgates are opening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 715

You deserved it 408

Today, I spent thirty minutes ringing up a Guinea pig and supplies for a customer who talked like a sloth, all while she argued with over the price of everything, only for her to return it all five minutes later because her sister had "changed her mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 860

You deserved it 130