Health: Today, I burned my right boob. I got it by eating a hot pocket...

By Nikia818 - 06/02/2014 18:23 - United States - Newport News

Today, I burned my right boob. I got it by eating a hot pocket and accidentally spilling the extremely hot filling. I never thought I'd get laid before. This has just confirmed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 116

You deserved it 7 064

Nikia818 tells us more.

Nikia818 6

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Friday 7 February 2014 6:47

Thank you all so much! To clarify, I wasn't naked. I had a tank top on. I'm only kidding about worrying about getting laid. I'm studying to get into med school, so I really don't get laid in real life. But it doesn't bother me. I let the hot pocket sit and it was the perfect temperature until that bite...which was at the very end... I do have a nickel-sized pink scar and it blistered a little bit, but nothing major. All in all, I now know that the filling of a hpt pocket is hotter than the fiery pits of Hell.

Health

Late term

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mother of the year

By stupidprankster - 09/03/2012 10:10 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 414

You deserved it 7 449

My alarm

By Anonymous - 20/02/2020 14:00

Today, yet again, I woke up at the sound of my parents having sex like apes, and couldn't get back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 892

You deserved it 219

Malfunctioning equipment

By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/09/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 416

You deserved it 264

By Duellist - 13/04/2017 02:00

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 393

You deserved it 249

By beautifulme - 31/01/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 073

You deserved it 4 863

Childlike

By Anonymous - 03/08/2020 20:01

Today, I asked my fiance for some attention. He licked my cheek and attached himself to my leg. He's 34 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 109

You deserved it 454

By Noname - 27/02/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, during a game of manhunt, my brother and his friends thought it would be funny to tie me to a telelphone pole with my very own multicolored jumprope from when I was younger. They left me there. My mom drove by, stared and then laughed, She kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 586

You deserved it 5 105

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 03:19 - United States - Warsaw

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 006

You deserved it 52 366

By Anonymous - 07/04/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 789

You deserved it 53 533

Nice try

By hkbaer - 27/09/2019 22:00 - United States

Today, my dad tried to charge me $3000 for a car that my dead grandma, his mother, left to me in her will. I have to live with this asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 010

You deserved it 106

By Anonymous - 20/01/2010 06:50 - United States

Today, my older brother and I were teasing our mom about her age. When we jokingly told her it was hard for us to watch our parents get old, she responded by saying "yeah, well, it's hard for me to watch my kids grow up and not have anyone who wants to marry them". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 309

You deserved it 47 352

Where were you?

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Stamford

Today, I came home from the hospital after six days. Despite having a cat sitter, they managed to shit on the bathroom floor and pee on my bed in protest for being gone too long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 102

By sgibson982136 - 03/06/2019 20:00

Today, I spent 30 minutes ringing up a Guinea pig and supplies for a customer who talked like a sloth, all while she argued with over the price of everything, only for her to return it all 5 minutes later because her sister "changed her mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 109

Halloween (slight return)

By fuck you and that stupid mutt - 02/11/2021 08:00

Today, I was outside carving pumpkins with my kids in the grass in my apartments. This rabid Karen starting screaming about the mess we were making. First of all, we were putting the pulp in a bag; second, she lets her dog bark all night and never cleans up it’s shit whenever it goes on our property. FML

I agree, your life sucks 964

You deserved it 71

By Unfortunate - 08/10/2012 00:24 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I realized that my life would make an excellent meme: Nerd girl goes to college, finally loses virginity; gets chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 980

You deserved it 13 919

By Anonymous - 09/11/2010 07:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got so drunk that he was sick in the taxi, sick on me, then sick on himself when he was sitting on the toilet. What's more, I can't get into bed because he's been sick all over my half of the bed. So I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 477

You deserved it 5 345

By DetergentFrog6 - 07/04/2014 20:54 - United States - Rahway

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 807

You deserved it 5 031

By niii - 26/11/2008 04:26 - France

Today, as I often do, I had sex in my old car. I'm 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we're still living with our parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 122

You deserved it 13 948

USA! FUCK YEAH!

By dinkley7 - 20/03/2021 21:30

Today, at work, I had to tell someone to put out a cigarette. He yelled at me saying it’s a free country. I work at a gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 981

You deserved it 57

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 992

You deserved it 7 630

By Anonymous - 31/08/2012 02:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got rear-ended. An old woman got out and came over to my car window. I thought she was coming to apologize and trade insurance companies. Instead, she poured her soda on my head, ran back into her car, and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 567

You deserved it 1 798

By reallythough - 13/04/2013 18:07 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 675

You deserved it 48 084

By MYLIFESUX - 12/04/2009 06:50 - United States

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, I was also eating a bag of starbursts. They bag slid off the bed, I went to catch them and in the process my knee hit my laptop which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my $2,500 laptop to save 11 starbursts from falling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 125

You deserved it 56 834

Stay at home

By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 08:01 - Canada

Today, after working several months through the pandemic at a medical clinic, my coworkers and I got a gift to thank us for our hard work during this time. Was it a raise or a bonus? Nah. Just a small Tupperware container. We were also told later on that all time-off requests were suspended until further notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 55

By Anonymous - 07/01/2013 11:11 - Australia - Hurstville

Today, an intoxicated gentleman stumbled into my shop requesting alcohol, which I do not sell. When I informed him of this, he expressed his disappointment by urinating on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 284

You deserved it 2 245

Nice family you've got there

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 10:34 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, while chatting with my in-laws, I told them about my upcoming spinal surgery. Soon after, when I went to get us some drinks, I overheard them murmuring about how many surgeries I've already had, how I'm a drain on the healthcare system, and how I should ideally just die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 697

You deserved it 2 630

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 23:39 - United States

Today, I went over to my friend's house. We were teasing each other, when she stood up and began to jokingly walk away. Trying to be cute, I tried to pull her onto my knee. I miscalculated and she ended up sitting right on my boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 540

You deserved it 19 799

Gross!

By mybfpeedonme - 30/09/2017 16:00

Today, a bug crawled inside my ear. In a panic, I called my boyfriend to come over and help me. His mother told him to put pee in my ear to kill the bug so it would just fall out. I ended up in the hospital because the pee made the bug want to claw its way out through my eardrum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 748

You deserved it 1 562

By Sean - 25/12/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, my parents were having a Christmas party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to find most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn't freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 229

You deserved it 53 684

By FrozenAnonymus - 14/07/2016 18:05 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 801

You deserved it 1 505

By xoragebaby - 24/01/2015 01:29 - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 618

You deserved it 5 007

By mrrichkid - 06/03/2010 01:05 - United States

Today, my wife of four years confessed to me that she only married me for the money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 944

You deserved it 3 683

By heartbrokenhaley - 23/01/2014 20:57 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend of 6 years told me that since I've proven my loyalty and faithfully stuck by his side, he has no reason to ever consider marrying me, because "It's not like you're going anywhere, honey." He seems not to understand why I am upset by this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 583

You deserved it 5 564

By hungry - 06/04/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, I was hungry and decided to nibble on some cheez-its I had in my room. After I had enjoyed some of them, I looked into the box to see how many I had left, where I noticed a lot of little black moving dots. Apparently I wasn't the only one enjoying the crackers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 479

You deserved it 16 888

By tomuchtime - 02/06/2011 08:46

Today, my doctor told me I have tennis elbow in both arms. I don't play tennis, I just have way too much free time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 769

You deserved it 43 700

By Oze - 18/02/2010 09:48 - United States

Today, my roommate will fall asleep to Muppet Treasure Island. We sleep 3 feet away from each other and he has been doing this since Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 637

You deserved it 2 858

By fatty - 23/01/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 612

You deserved it 8 161

By thisisavirus.exe - 31/12/2013 20:57 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 130

You deserved it 5 515

By lauz - 03/10/2009 12:20 - Australia

Today, I slept for the first time with my boyfriend. I'd always imagined it to be a romantic moment. It turned out that 'Saw 5' was on the TV in the background, and the sex was so fantastically tragic that I ended up watching/listening to it, on the sly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 775

You deserved it 4 169

By danii - 04/10/2011 01:19 - Reserved

Today, I woke up after a few friends came over last night. There are eggs, coins and Oreos glued to the ceiling, 10 broken jars, no food left, and most of the contents of my house are in the garden. And I'm naked and covered in permanent marker drawings of Pokémon. My parents return in an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 254

You deserved it 54 565

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Top comments

emmingle 24

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:04

Slow down, hotstuff.

mpkpm 19

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:05

Well at least something hot got to 2nd base with you!

emmingle 24

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:04

Slow down, hotstuff.

Eahae3 12

Thursday 6 February 2014 23:07

I always love it when hot juicy filling spills on my boob...

SgtAssCheeks 21

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:11

#6 Get out.

Mynamewontfi 40

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:25

#6 You should close your mouth if you drool that bad.

Sports_guy3 28

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Friday 7 February 2014 1:34

#6- We know how hungover you got when the Seahawks won. Just, next time, stay off FML.

tweetypie 18

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Friday 7 February 2014 2:41

Weird, this happened to me the other day but with soup. As if the domino's cinna stix burn on my arm wasn't bad enough.

DocDrose 20

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Friday 7 February 2014 5:16

them hot pockets be sneakily dangerous! ... and hot!

livinlifeCJ 4

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Friday 7 February 2014 7:50

#51 That comment was really random..

sdroze1389 31

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Friday 7 February 2014 11:09

#51. I'm a Denver fan but that comment was so pointless that it hurt my brain. it's FML not ESPN

sdroze1389 31

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Friday 7 February 2014 12:48

but I do regret the Denver ass whooping

LadySalazara 6

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Thursday 13 February 2014 17:31

Boob filling

mpkpm 19

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:05

Well at least something hot got to 2nd base with you!

HelloooooNurse 20

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:06

"Death Pockets" as sung by Jim Gaffigan

j_cat187 19

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Friday 7 February 2014 0:05

Diarrhea pocket

DavidKnows 11

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Friday 7 February 2014 23:51

Ha!

beaglegal 42

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:06

Usually mine are burning on the edges and frozen on the inside. Or a different temperature with each bite.

junkman6 22

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:31

Hot pockets, open wrapper drop in toilet. Congratulations you have just eaten a hot pocket properly.

SadisticStephyy 21

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Friday 7 February 2014 5:30

I used to have that problem. Then I got a new microwave and now the whole thing is hot as fuck.

sdroze1389 31

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Friday 7 February 2014 11:13

get one of those plastic covers, changed my life. the corndog industry invented them and everyone won, take advantage of this modern technology.

omgcyndaquil 23

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Thursday 6 February 2014 23:08

You're alright. The right boob is only the backup boob. The left one is the important one. Feel better!

xerbrus 14

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Friday 7 February 2014 0:25

What she says is true left is almost always bigger

Narttu 20

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Friday 7 February 2014 0:39

I must be a real freak then, my right boob is much bigger! :(

Mauskau 35

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Friday 7 February 2014 0:55

My right boob is much bigger than my left but men tend to go for the left. wut

Ihavegas 22

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Friday 7 February 2014 1:44

I'm assuming all the men you know are right handed?

irocksox2014 13

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Friday 7 February 2014 2:00

My right boob is bigger than my left! 0.0

xerbrus 14

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Friday 7 February 2014 2:30

hence why i said almost always there are exceptions

kandys8o 4

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Friday 7 February 2014 4:26

Shouldn't it be oO ?

Curlytwirly22 17

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Friday 7 February 2014 9:15

You really shouldn't have said that cuz there's a pervert In the comments

jellybeens_fml 16

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Friday 7 February 2014 9:54

I wish I had boobs. wat.

sdroze1389 31

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Friday 7 February 2014 11:18

I'm a fan of both, but I'm ambidextrous so I really can't choose sides.

falcon1987 10

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Friday 7 February 2014 12:13

Everyone is a perv in their own way; some are more open about it.

AngelSpit 18

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Friday 7 February 2014 16:22

@40 it depends on which is your dominant hand. Right handedness is more common so women who predominantly use their right hand/arm will build a larger pectoral muscle on that side causing a partial enlargement of that breast and if a woman is left handed vice versa. The more you know.... this service announcement was brought to you by the letters B, double O and BS. We'd also like to remind you of all the poor neglected sweater puppies in the world show your support by adopting one to love and care for today (please take into account sweater puppies are very social and thrive better in pairs)