Animals: Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights... - FML

By Sara - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

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Mama's boy

Skipped

Get me out of here

By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 22:49 - Canada - Toronto

Classic canine move

Today, I was walking my dog when another dog barked at him. My dog ran, pulling me with him. I fell to the ground in pain, with my hand still holding the leash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I entered a raffle at a local fashion designer event; the prize was $400 credit at the store that was hosting it (which was just enough for one of their dresses). Good news: I won! Bad news: they don't carry a single thing above a women's size 5. I'm 6'2" and 180 lbs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I treated my boyfriend to an expensive dinner using the last of my paycheck. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few minutes in. I came back to find my plate empty. His excuse was, "I didn't want the food to get cold." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Pewaukee

Today, a guy I have been crushing on since forever finally talked to me. Too bad it happened after an anxiety attack when he carried me from class to the nurse's. The first thing he said to me when I came to was, "You're heavier than you look." FML

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By single and not mingling - Canada

Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

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By fu2then - Canada

Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He says "yeah well you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

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By onthemarket - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Big whoops

Today, I was at a party with a few of my friends. We saw a guy walking around with bright pink lipstick all over his mouth, so we made a bet to see who could match the lipstick to the girl first. I won. It was my girlfriend's. FML

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By Fish Breath - United States - Bloomington

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

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By levi69 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pass Christian

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try some "prolonging gel" to help him last longer between the sheets. Surprisingly, it worked, and he lasted 3 times longer than usual. I can now enjoy 4 whole minutes of sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

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By stinky skunk - Canada

Today, my dog ran away. It was dark, so I couldn't see very well, but I ran after him anyway. Thinking I had caught up to him, I grabbed him. It wasn't my dog. It was a skunk. FML

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By thefailure - United States

Today, it was my wedding day, and while I was standing next to my husband in front of all of our guests, I was rocking on my heels because I was nervous. I rocked too far and fell backward. My husband didn't come to help me up. He just said at the top of his lungs, "FAIL!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, changing the garbage in the bathroom at work resulted in a hospital visit after an incorrectly disposed used needle scraped into my thigh. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked a coworker if she would cover for me on Easter because I want to spend it with my 3 year old daughter. She said no because she wants to spend Easter with her kids, too. She doesn't have kids. FML

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By LadyJane

Today, I was trying to exercise more, so I went for a walk. I was quickly overtaken by a middle-aged lady with cankles, carrying heavy shopping bags in each hand. I'm 19, skinny, and apparently very unfit. FML

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By maya - 9/3/2021 20:01

Emergency room time

Today, I was called a "wimp" and a "pussy" for crying and screaming after lightly bumping my hand on a wall. It’s been five hours and it still feels as though my skin is being ripped off the bones in my hand. FML

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By hearing too much

The sound of silence

Today, the walls in my house are so thin that I heard my roommate yell from the bathroom upstairs, "Hear my butthole roar." Now I’m scared to use the bathroom after him. FML

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By Emmz91

Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was time to lose our virginity. After our clothes were removed, we spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to actually have sex, and eventually gave up. FML

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By goodstudent - United States

Today, I left my grandmother's burial to take a midterm. Earlier I e-mailed the professor to ask permission to take it later, and she flat out said "no." I left my grieving family, and traveled hours back to school. I went to class, only to discover that the prof decided to move the exam date. FML

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By kewtness_17 - United States

Today, I got mad at my 4 year old son for cussing me out. Afterwards, I went upstairs to get ready for the day. When I came back downstairs I found him pooping on my brand new leather couch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a big family dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't been invited until we were about to sit down to eat. There were 12 chairs, 12 plates, 12 forks, and 12 glasses. I was the 13th person to arrive. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my brother, the plumber, was called to unblock a toilet. Whenever this occurs, he takes a photo of it and sends it to me. It always seems to happen around meal time. FML

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By weeping_willow

Cheeky little bastards

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Temecula

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

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By sadbuttrue. - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I went to the very back of the crowd of women waiting to catch the bouquet. Not only did I end up catching it, I was accosted by a crazy chick who ripped it out of my hands, screaming at me in Italian. I later found out she was already engaged. FML

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By Tom

Long day

Today, I got the bus to work instead of walking so I could be there faster. However, I accidentally got on the wrong bus which let me off a mile and a half away from my workplace. Then, after another half-hour of trying to walk there, I found that it wasn't even open that day. FML

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By Champion the wonder horse - United States

Today, a bunch of guys at work chased me down a corridor with a Febreze spray for smelling like I'd been "sleeping in a hollowed-out horse's carcass" and having "the personal hygiene of a billy goat." FML

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By Nickki - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2021 11:01

The internet hates you

Today, I had to cancel my vacation in Norway, which I had been planning for 2 months and had cried and stressed over all that time because this was the first vacation I'd ever planned myself. Now YouTube won't stop showing me ads about visiting Norway. FML

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By loser

Today I bought the Gold edition to a game for $90. I expected to be very good only to realize it was the same as the previous installment. I went to check the refund policy and it said that I had to have played less than 2 hours, I had 121 minutes. FML

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By thisguy - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating because according to him, our child does not have his hair color, eye color, or other facial features. Our son is five days old, bald and hasn't opened his eyes much. The closest thing I can probably compare him to is an old, wrinkly potato. FML

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By Anonymous - Colombia - Bogot?

Any damage? Who nose?

Today, it's the seventh day after my nose job. I was taking something out of a box and pulled too hard. I punched myself in the nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from the girl I like. I got very excited so I quickly picked up. As it turns out, she was actually prank calling me, pretending to be a "liposuction telemarketer" but forgot to press *67. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

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Top comments

By nipas13titans | 0

#15144 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

That is fucking crazy! Best of luck on that one... those damn chinchillas are cute, but lurking deep beneath their masks of adorableness lies a malicious monster, waiting to escape...

By spankyness | 0

#15186 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:41

I hate those things... I stayed over at this girls dorm and she had one and of course it got out and every hour when I was about to fall asleep itd bite me and run away

COMMENTS

By Sean123 | 0

#15137 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

matt1234321 | 0

#886992 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 1:43

hahaha yah now tht chinchillas going to be a tasty snack

Reply

lidomissmango | 0

#988435 - Wednesday 5 May 2010 2:10

haha 88

Reply

syddyb | 0

#1032964 - Thursday 17 June 2010 1:27

I think OPs "maximum security cage" needs updated. :)

Reply

omgiitsme03 | 0

#1037220 - Sunday 20 June 2010 16:41

haha your boyfriend is funny

Reply

mackenzieex3 | 0

#1266468 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:23

#88 is sick. and op that really sucks. :( I used to have a chinchilla and I HATED when he would get out of his cage!

Reply

Pg11 | 0

#1733147 - Monday 22 November 2010 8:05

why even have one if you have to keep it in a cage all the time?

Reply

superswagbro | 7

#4513755 - Sunday 3 June 2012 0:20

Me am very pissed

Reply

smoshiee | 8

#5027733 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 21:00

*How
*are
*you?

Reply

Dawminator | 16

#6017150 - Thursday 24 July 2014 6:25

I have a chinchilla and I have to say that it doesn't matter how mad you are. Those cute fuckers are adorable!

By nipas13titans | 0

#15144 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

That is fucking crazy! Best of luck on that one... those damn chinchillas are cute, but lurking deep beneath their masks of adorableness lies a malicious monster, waiting to escape...

By christinaaa_fml | 0

#15146 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

lmao! that sucks

By daniellerose | 0

#15155 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:30

lmao #2, trueee....

By shanghaista | 0

#15159 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:32

So much for the max-security cage...if that is even what you had

Better get a refund

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#15171 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:35

lmaoo!!!!! that is so FING FUNNY!!!!! i had a rabbit who did st like tht once..... it was not pleasant =[

By Sleepzsc | 0

#15172 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:36

Sux0rz

By howdygirlhowdy | 0

#15180 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:39

Well...is the Chinchilla okay?

Reply

cm102 | 3

#3039600 - Thursday 4 August 2011 21:25

Chinchillas die if their head gets wet, they suffocate

Reply

corocoro | 30

#5631580 - Saturday 17 August 2013 15:49

And here I thought they turn into gremlins.

By chieffanLJ27 | 0

#15181 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:39

ouchhhh. id catch him and get a shock collar. that way if he even LOOKS hungry you can shock him and he wont think aobut it again hahah

Reply

afkwarrior | 25

#6037625 - Thursday 14 August 2014 21:45

Jesus fucking Christ you maniac, what the fuck is your problem?!

By equinoxe_fml | 2

#15184 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:40

oooh i had a rabbit once, and we just let him walk around the house every now and then 'cause we thought it was cute. he bit the cables of our VCR lol it never worked properly after that... but i guess that was our own fault. XD

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1484252 - Saturday 2 October 2010 5:40

nom nom nom zap! x_x