Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights... - FML

By Sara - 4/3/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

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True hero

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Race against the clock

By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 00:20 - Australia - Spearwood

Today, at the café I work at, I was yelled at by a woman because the drinks and food she ordered were "taking too long". Before I had the chance to get a word in, she stormed out and said she would never come back. I didn't get the chance to inform her that she hadn't ordered yet. FML

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By saltynutz20 - 7/4/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML

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By OopsMonkey - 13/9/2011 13:43 - Netherlands

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

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By Hopper - 3/12/2017 23:00 - United States

Today, I was the only carhop at work for the last 2 hours. In that time, I waited on about 50 cars. I make server pay so I depend on tips, but none of them tipped me even a penny. I averaged under $3 an hour tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 07:11 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 23:30 - United States - Trenton

Today, I walked from my friend's wedding to my divorce. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 16:44 - France

Today, my boyfriend cancelled our vacation plans because I'll be on my period, arguing that, "It wouldn't be a real holiday." FML

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By ...... - 8/10/2011 02:40 - United States

Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML

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By mitsuko045 - 10/8/2010 00:33 - Ireland

Today, after moving into my new house, I agreed to let my house mates have a house warming on the condition it be a small one, as I have exams all day that day and one that I can't fail on the very next morning. The facebook event guest list now has 100+ confirmed guests. FML

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By mortified - 30/10/2010 04:12 - Canada

Today, at work, I was caught picking my nose, on camera, in an elevator. The security guard stopped me on my way out of the building to tell me how funny it was. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2013 16:14 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, my estranged father, with whom I haven't spoken in years, called me and demanded to know where his Father's Day gift was. FML

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By Rabite - 15/9/2016 14:48 - Germany - Bonn

Today, I called a cab to get me and my cat home from the vet. After a 40 minute wait and three calls to the taxi company, the operator told me that the driver she sent to my location just confirmed that he already has a woman with my name and a cat in his car. FML

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By iGotSkill - 31/10/2009 01:32 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her mom who had passed away years ago told her that I was cheating on her, telepathically. FML

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By Bummer - 30/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

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By drake86 - 9/1/2013 16:42 - United Kingdom - Helensburgh

Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, I sat across from a cute boy in my English class. I thought it was cute when he winked at me, so I laughed and winked back. I didn't understand why he shot me a dirty look, until I later found out he has eyelid spasms. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2013 15:53 - United States

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

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By Charity Taylor - 5/10/2019 18:00

Totally worth it

Today, after 8 years of being guinea-pigged for medical testing that "might work" on my ribcage for chronic pain, I finally caved and tried going to a pain clinic. The doctors' responses mostly consisted of, "That's weird" and, "That doesn't make any sense." FML

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By SMCHR - 9/5/2011 03:22 - Ireland

Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML

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By littlebigbrother - 23/5/2012 06:13 - Japan

Today, we got a call that my brother stuck a rock up his nose and couldn't get it out. My mom had to pick him up and take him to the hospital. My brother is 20. FML

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By lillymean - 3/2/2012 01:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I reached a new low in my relationship: my boyfriend got so drunk I had to help him take a piss. FML

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By Danielle22291 - 29/4/2017 17:27 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, as a waitress at Denny's, I had a 25 top table. Only 3 of them spoke English. FML

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By mute - 16/4/2016 00:56 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I wouldn't have to be so silent when we had sex anymore, I went over to spend the night. His bedroom is right next to his friend's 4-year-old daughter's room. FML

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By DabTheFuckOut - 16/9/2016 19:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By MyPrecious... - 11/3/2015 00:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I thought the ring my boyfriend bought for me had fallen off while emptying the trash into the bin. After panicking and emptying a week's worth of rubbish onto the ground, I found my ring safe and sound. On my other hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 06:32 - Canada

Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML

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By Ellowise - 24/12/2009 10:06 - Belgium

Today, I used the tanning booth for the first time. Not only was I so white that I received first-degree burns all over my body, but I also forgot to remove my knee-high socks. FML

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By umm - 8/12/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The rest of the family stood there laughing. This is what I'm marrying into? FML

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By missPiggy - 26/10/2015 08:27 - Norway

Today, a colleague found out that I struggled with anorexia when young. After ranting about how it's a silly 'Women's disease', he renamed me 'Miss Piggy' and made oinking noises every time I ate something. FML

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By Ewwwww - 27/5/2019 11:59

Today, while working the register, I told a kid his total was $2.15. He then took his shoe off and handed me his money. It was damp. FML

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By disgustedgf - 28/6/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

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By ronz - 8/2/2012 13:26

Today, I sneaked off work early. As I was in the elevator on the way down to leave, it stopped at my boss's floor, and he got in. FML

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By Completely Fed Up - 20/4/2016 18:55 - United States - Spokane

Today, after 2 weeks of hard work in the heat planting a garden, just as I thought the most stressful part was over, my wife's mother comes over and brings a huge dog. She then threw a tennis ball for the dog into my freshly seeded garden multiple times, completely destroying most of it. FML

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By roselysunset - 29/7/2015 17:07 - United States - Cypress

Today, I came home to find my mom drunk. She asked me for a hug and then started crying, "Where's my daughter?" I'm her daughter. And her only child, as far as I know. FML

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By whipplewhip - 30/6/2013 04:21 - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

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By furryfriend - 16/9/2014 18:46 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was home sick and playing with my dog. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up, so I sprinted to the bathroom. My dog thought this was an invitation to chase me and tackle me to the floor. FML

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By me - 19/5/2012 02:41 - United States - Wyandotte

Today, my husband and I were pulled over by a cop. He was still angry from our earlier argument over his constant freeloading, and when the cop told him we'd been doing 75 in a 55, he retorted, "Yeah? I did 75 in your mom last night, fuzzball." One more ticket I have to pay for. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 15:14 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I woke up with an engagement ring on my left hand. The same one I refused last month. My boyfriend apparently waited for me to be drunk to propose again last night, and has already posted the pics on Facebook. FML

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By Mortified - 31/3/2020 14:00

On the can

Today, I was using the bathroom at Costco when a janitor forced my door open so she could mop, then didn't bother to close it again. Apparently, the handicapped stall was too big for her to see me sitting in the corner, and I had to awkwardly squat-walk all the way to the door to close it. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2016 20:58 - United States - Durham

Today, I fell down a hill out of my hammock, which broke my phone screen and my sunglasses. My idiot brother launched me out of it, so he could "assert his dominance." He's 11. FML

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Top comments

By nipas13titans | 0

#15144 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

That is fucking crazy! Best of luck on that one... those damn chinchillas are cute, but lurking deep beneath their masks of adorableness lies a malicious monster, waiting to escape...

By spankyness | 0

#15186 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:41

I hate those things... I stayed over at this girls dorm and she had one and of course it got out and every hour when I was about to fall asleep itd bite me and run away

COMMENTS

By Sean123 | 0

#15137 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

matt1234321 | 0

#886992 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 1:43

hahaha yah now tht chinchillas going to be a tasty snack

Reply

lidomissmango | 0

#988435 - Wednesday 5 May 2010 2:10

haha 88

Reply

syddyb | 0

#1032964 - Thursday 17 June 2010 1:27

I think OPs "maximum security cage" needs updated. :)

Reply

omgiitsme03 | 0

#1037220 - Sunday 20 June 2010 16:41

haha your boyfriend is funny

Reply

mackenzieex3 | 0

#1266468 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:23

#88 is sick. and op that really sucks. :( I used to have a chinchilla and I HATED when he would get out of his cage!

Reply

Pg11 | 0

#1733147 - Monday 22 November 2010 8:05

why even have one if you have to keep it in a cage all the time?

Reply

superswagbro | 7

#4513755 - Sunday 3 June 2012 0:20

Me am very pissed

Reply

smoshiee | 8

#5027733 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 21:00

*How
*are
*you?

Reply

Dawminator | 16

#6017150 - Thursday 24 July 2014 6:25

I have a chinchilla and I have to say that it doesn't matter how mad you are. Those cute fuckers are adorable!

By nipas13titans | 0

#15144 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

That is fucking crazy! Best of luck on that one... those damn chinchillas are cute, but lurking deep beneath their masks of adorableness lies a malicious monster, waiting to escape...

By christinaaa_fml | 0

#15146 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

lmao! that sucks

By daniellerose | 0

#15155 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:30

lmao #2, trueee....

By shanghaista | 0

#15159 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:32

So much for the max-security cage...if that is even what you had

Better get a refund

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#15171 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:35

lmaoo!!!!! that is so FING FUNNY!!!!! i had a rabbit who did st like tht once..... it was not pleasant =[

By Sleepzsc | 0

#15172 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:36

Sux0rz

By howdygirlhowdy | 0

#15180 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:39

Well...is the Chinchilla okay?

Reply

cm102 | 3

#3039600 - Thursday 4 August 2011 21:25

Chinchillas die if their head gets wet, they suffocate

Reply

corocoro | 30

#5631580 - Saturday 17 August 2013 15:49

And here I thought they turn into gremlins.

By chieffanLJ27 | 0

#15181 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:39

ouchhhh. id catch him and get a shock collar. that way if he even LOOKS hungry you can shock him and he wont think aobut it again hahah

Reply

afkwarrior | 25

#6037625 - Thursday 14 August 2014 21:45

Jesus fucking Christ you maniac, what the fuck is your problem?!

By equinoxe_fml | 2

#15184 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:40

oooh i had a rabbit once, and we just let him walk around the house every now and then 'cause we thought it was cute. he bit the cables of our VCR lol it never worked properly after that... but i guess that was our own fault. XD

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1484252 - Saturday 2 October 2010 5:40

nom nom nom zap! x_x