Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights... - FML

By Sara - 4/3/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

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Running commentary

Does it taste good?

Honesty is the best policy

By bhnja_ - 18/4/2013 20:34 - Philippines - Mandaue

Today, I got cut from my track team. My coach told me it was because my sprints were "too fast" for his liking. Huh? FML

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By ewww - 3/12/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

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By superclutz - 7/7/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I left something in my boss' office. The door was closed which usually means she isn't in there, so I asked her coworker/friend for the key. When I opened the door, she screamed at me to get out of there. Turns out, she has just stopped breast feeding her son and was pumping her breasts. FML

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By maddieex - 4/12/2014 02:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend brought me to a restaurant on a surprise date. I guess he didn't know that my ex-boyfriend now works there, and that he would be our waiter for the evening. FML

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By Anon - 10/10/2011 15:24 - Canada

Today, my mom yelled at me because I refused to lend her money. The reason I won't lend her money? The last time I did, she and my dad went out and bought a Macbook and a new car instead of paying bills. Apparently I'm being 'selfish' by keeping my own money and putting it towards university. FML

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By jailey - 26/7/2016 02:26

Today, my friend decided that we should go clubbing together to "catch up". Her version of catching up is me standing beside her making out with some random dude in the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2012 17:24 - United States - Newnan

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By flowerging - 11/4/2013 04:53 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2019 22:00 - United States - Athens

Close, but no cigar

Today, my boyfriend tried to compliment my date-night attire. His brain couldn't decide between, "So pretty" and, "You're the shit," so his mouth decided, "You're so shitty" would suffice. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2015 17:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I thought I would treat myself to a shave and a haircut at a proper barber, instead of just a haircut at Supercuts. After many "Oops", "Sorry", even an "Oh dear", I left with no hair cut, and blood streaming from multiple slices in my face from the shave. I think one might need stitches. FML

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By Kelli - 28/8/2010 04:56 - United States

Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML

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By Appelflap - 29/3/2013 22:18 - Belgium - Sint-niklaas

Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML

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By FeedTheBirds - 6/9/2017 22:30 - United States - Estero

Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML

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By antwo - 22/1/2012 04:50 - United States

Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn't noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the cracks. I quickly looked away, and about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 02:02 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

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By fmysexlife - 27/7/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

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By chinchilla4404 - 2/8/2011 14:17 - United States

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

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By ewww - 3/4/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, I used the community vacuum to clean my dorm. When spots started appearing on the floor, I assumed it was leaking water. By the time I finished there were tons of wet spots on the floor. Later I found out that someone had just used that very vacuum to suck up vomit. FML

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By hockey - 26/11/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

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By retail hell - 12/7/2015 13:11 - United States - Waterbury

Today, a customer berated me and told me to stop whining because I have to work on the weekend. What did I do to deserve this? I said, "Hi, how are you doing today?" FML

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By Noname - 9/3/2009 02:48 - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

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By Creep - 15/7/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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By noooo!!! - 19/4/2012 18:45 - United States

Today, I made my brother go to the grocery store to get some frozen pizzas. Ten minutes after he left, the power cut out. Still no power. Still hungry. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2011 23:02 - Canada

Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML

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By notanazigrandchildafterall - 21/9/2015 11:32 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, going through my late grandmother's papers, I found out that my grandfather had never been in the Nazi party. The reason he was not allowed to work as a teacher was that he had never passed his university exams. He found an invented Nazi past less shameful than academic failure. FML

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By lolfayce - 6/12/2009 18:37 - United States

Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML

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By notthesame - 18/8/2016 04:45 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my overprotective dad bolted all of my windows shut so that I don't turn out like my sister and sneak out or sneak boys in. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:27 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 17:24

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By not crazy enough - 17/11/2014 18:48 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, at work, a crazy customer forced me to promise to take a holiday greeting picture of my cat and myself for her. She says she'll be back and expects one. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2019 16:04

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

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By kiwibox - 26/10/2013 01:50 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, my dog had an upset stomach and diarrhea. To avoid a mess on the carpet, I confined her to a gated area in the kitchen with sheets over the floor, so any mess could be cleaned up easily. Instead of going on the sheets, she sprayed shit all up the walls. FML

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By Person15 - 26/11/2011 23:13 - United States

Today, I was at the mall and started singing along to the playing of "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas." A kid glanced at me and said to her mom, "She IS a hippopotamus." FML

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By anonymous - 20/3/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By poohead - 9/12/2009 05:07 - Australia

Today, I was cleaning out my new guinea pig cage for the first time because one of them had babies last night. After using a spatula to shovel up the 3 inch layer of crap and placenta, I decided to hose it down. The hose came on so hard, it sprayed the dung and birth water all over my face. FML

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By boobmilk - 8/3/2018 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

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Top comments

By nipas13titans | 0

#15144 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

That is fucking crazy! Best of luck on that one... those damn chinchillas are cute, but lurking deep beneath their masks of adorableness lies a malicious monster, waiting to escape...

By spankyness | 0

#15186 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:41

I hate those things... I stayed over at this girls dorm and she had one and of course it got out and every hour when I was about to fall asleep itd bite me and run away

Comments

By Sean123 | 0

#15137 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

matt1234321 | 0

#886992 - Wednesday 24 February 2010 1:43

hahaha yah now tht chinchillas going to be a tasty snack

Reply

lidomissmango | 0

#988435 - Wednesday 5 May 2010 2:10

haha 88

Reply

syddyb | 0

#1032964 - Thursday 17 June 2010 1:27

I think OPs "maximum security cage" needs updated. :)

Reply

omgiitsme03 | 0

#1037220 - Sunday 20 June 2010 16:41

haha your boyfriend is funny

Reply

mackenzieex3 | 0

#1266468 - Thursday 19 August 2010 4:23

#88 is sick. and op that really sucks. :( I used to have a chinchilla and I HATED when he would get out of his cage!

Reply

Pg11 | 0

#1733147 - Monday 22 November 2010 8:05

why even have one if you have to keep it in a cage all the time?

Reply

superswagbro | 7

#4513755 - Sunday 3 June 2012 0:20

Me am very pissed

Reply

smoshiee | 8

#5027733 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 21:00

*How
*are
*you?

Reply

Dawminator | 16

#6017150 - Thursday 24 July 2014 6:25

I have a chinchilla and I have to say that it doesn't matter how mad you are. Those cute fuckers are adorable!

By nipas13titans | 0

#15144 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

That is fucking crazy! Best of luck on that one... those damn chinchillas are cute, but lurking deep beneath their masks of adorableness lies a malicious monster, waiting to escape...

By christinaaa_fml | 0

#15146 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:27

lmao! that sucks

By daniellerose | 0

#15155 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:30

lmao #2, trueee....

By shanghaista | 0

#15159 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:32

So much for the max-security cage...if that is even what you had

Better get a refund

By theluckygirl28 | 8

#15171 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:35

lmaoo!!!!! that is so FING FUNNY!!!!! i had a rabbit who did st like tht once..... it was not pleasant =[

By Sleepzsc | 0

#15172 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:36

Sux0rz

By howdygirlhowdy | 0

#15180 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:39

Well...is the Chinchilla okay?

Reply

cm102 | 3

#3039600 - Thursday 4 August 2011 21:25

Chinchillas die if their head gets wet, they suffocate

Reply

corocoro | 30

#5631580 - Saturday 17 August 2013 15:49

And here I thought they turn into gremlins.

By chieffanLJ27 | 0

#15181 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:39

ouchhhh. id catch him and get a shock collar. that way if he even LOOKS hungry you can shock him and he wont think aobut it again hahah

Reply

afkwarrior | 25

#6037625 - Thursday 14 August 2014 21:45

Jesus fucking Christ you maniac, what the fuck is your problem?!

By equinoxe_fml | 2

#15184 - Thursday 5 March 2009 0:40

oooh i had a rabbit once, and we just let him walk around the house every now and then 'cause we thought it was cute. he bit the cables of our VCR lol it never worked properly after that... but i guess that was our own fault. XD

Reply

isaiaha11 | 2

#1484252 - Saturday 2 October 2010 5:40

nom nom nom zap! x_x